I'm back. Now what?

I've been completely off the board for almost five months and only posted a handful of times in the half-year before that. Events leading up to this year have hit me and my wife really hard. My interests have changed. It's hard to get enthusiastic about things anymore. I don't have much to say.

For the last five years I've been going through increasing stress at work and suffering the loss of close family. (My mother and all my grandparents are dead, my dad and my only brother have moved thousands of miles away.) It feels like I've been thrown on my own. And then for the last three years I've had to deal with the "aging parents" issue with my in-laws. They've always been foolish people who made no provision for their future, but they ceased being able to physically care for themselves and we had to put them in a home. Simultaneously we had to start grappling with their finances or lack thereof and try to get them secure. In the meantime my father-in-law, who was suffering from dementia and paranoia, started calling attorneys on us. (My wife was neither physically nor emotionally able to handle a lot of what was being thrown at us, so I had to take charge of much of it.)

That is all resolved. Their finances and personal care are being managed by a guardian, the attorneys are dismissed, and my father-in-law passed away at the end of last year. Materially we made out fine ... we managed to avoid sinking any serious money into their situation or letting them drag us down with them.

But now my wife is having to come to grips with the fact of a father who was a mean old man even when he HAD all his marbles (and losing them just made him meaner), and a poor father figure or provider to boot. And a mother who's always been childish and is turning more so.

Me, I've had to re-evaluate what's important to me. A lot of things just don't seem important anymore. That was beginning to be true even before ... I intentionally haven't posted in the S&T forum in over two and a half years because of conflicts with another poster. It got to the point where all I was doing was trolling the other guy. It was a rotten attitude to take, and once I realized what I was doing, it was better for all of us that I just walked away. I banned myself!

The BBS is still important to me, I guess. But I don't know what to write and no longer feel compelled to reply to anyone else's comments either. I haven't really formed any friendships here because I've never learned how to get to know a bunch of strangers on a computer screen. When I've tried, it still feels like I'm a stranger to all of you and that what I have to say doesn't really matter. IRL I'm socially out of step a lot. It doesn't feel any different here.

I'm not as depressed as it probably sounds. Just a lot more guarded and having to re-evaluate who I can, or should, or want to, confide in. Trying to decide what to do next. While I was off the BBS I also turned fifty (and passed my 15th anniversary here).

Do you care?

 

Most emphatically we do. Please don't hide another 5 months. It sounds pretty trite and overused but talking with others really helps. There are a lot of friendly people here who had similar experiences or are facing them. You're not alone in this.
Also, how about inviting your wife here? It's a good place to relax, let off steam, regroup emotionally or simply exchange views.
Her dad sounds a lot like my granny. It's a horrible and deeply disturbing experience to watch someone turn into a totally different personality and being unable to stop the process. It shakes the foundations of your very soul and you have to lay new ones. Naturally, both of you will rely on each other in this but maybe we here can assist you a little in finding the energy to do all this.

 

Thank you so much.

This wasn't quite a case of someone turning into another personality, though I believe your experience is worse. This was a case of a person who chose to be miserable his entire life and squandered all his opportunities, and made the people around him miserable too. And then his remaining good qualities went away as his social barriers dissolved. AND we were trying to be responsible for him. The effect on me was mainly despair and resentment, largely because I'd already lost most of my respect for him over the last 25+ years. It was different for my wife and I won't speak for her, but mainly she's trying to understand what her relationship with him was (for her entire life). And vice versa.

I've tried getting her on here, but it's been a couple of years. May have to try again now.

My leaving here wasn't hiding so much as an awful lot of things seeming unimportant. The laptop I'm writing on needed Windows reinstalled, and my shortcut to TrekBBS got erased, and ... I just didn't bother to re-establish it. I let a lot of projects around the house go untouched. I STILL hardly ever turn on the TV anymore, at least if I'm by myself. Heck, I've still got the entire Season 8 of The Walking Dead unwatched on the DVR (and S9 coming in).

I have seen a counselor though, and I'm actively trying to get some of my interests back (which is partly why I logged in again).

Would like to hear from more of you.

 

Sounds like you had a lot on your plate. This little sub forum is a great place to just get things off your chest. We all need a place like this, and for those of us who post here, this is our place. It lifts us from the quag.

What you say about your family is interesting. I have connections to the Social Care sector, and on the one hand we have a heartless generation ungratefully dumping their elderly parents, but in many cases, those parents were hateful dickheads, and becoming elderly and dependent doesn’t change that.

Stick around. The threads in here are mostly wonderful nonsense, but they live through us. Random thoughts, frustrations, something good, dreams, weather, purchases. It’s only a matter of time before someone, probably me, starts a Christmas thread. I also think it’s high time we had a food/recipes thread.

 

^ great minds! Would you be interested in a few traditional German cookie recipes?

Silvercrest, I can almost see your dad-in-law before me. My late landlady was just like that. The result were 18 months of psychotherapy and medication against PTSD.
I find it very curageous of you to openly talk about your problems. And it's totally cool that you've sought help by a counselor (alas, no half-Betazoid - mine wasn't either) and are getting an interest in 'normal' life again. Well - as normal as things get here on the BBS

I can understand your wife hesitating to join us. After all, we're complete strangers. On the other hand it's often easier to talk about a problem with a stranger than with someone very familiar. Give her time and a shoulder to lean on. I think sooner or later, when she's emotionally ready for it, she'll become curious and join us here.
And in the meantime you'll have a few dozen strong shoulders here to lean on yourself

 

Oh and then there is my Dad. But yeah.

As for a food/recipe thread that is a brilliant idea! Especially now with the food inspired season upon us. I have my Halloween menu worked out. AND cannot wait to put the tree (Christmas) up. Earlier the better

I actually SO like German food, at least what I have tried. I also hope that one day I/we get to have a cold Christmas.

To the OP, yes, we do care.

 

@Silvercrest
Sorry you are feeling poorly and/or depressed. Much of what you describe I have to admit that feel as well (dying, aging and ailing family members and other mid-life gems), so I can empathize with your feelings. It's the age we are at I think... (I vastly preferred my 20s and 30s let me tell you!). I also feel guarded about who to confide in, but that's mostly due to certain people who I am close to betraying my trust in the past when I confided in them. That takes a while to get over since you need enough good experiences to overlay the negative ones. Anyhow, your quote below from your OP I also feel, but I think this is in your (and my own) head, not something others on the board actually feel. I.E. You are not a stranger (not any more than the rest of us are anyway) and your thoughts do matter. So, don't let yourself get too hung up on that. Keep hanging in there!!

 

Thanks for quoting that, cosmic mouse. I had completely overlooked that paragraph.
I felt very much the same in the beginning but after a while, when I got to know people better, they got very close to me. Many people I met online have become RL friends of mine over the years and we visit each other occasionally.
I think friendship and trust are both a bit like trees: it takes time till they grow.

 

I agree completely, boohb (can I call you "boohb"? )
I've also made friends on message boards over the years, though it's very slow-going at times (not unlike my experiences IRL). I think it's more difficult now with FB and other social media drawing many people away from forums, but it's still possible.

 

LOL sure you can but after Halloween I'll switch back to rhubarbodendron again

 

Thanks all. Will peruse Misc. and see if I can add to the fray. I'm prone to snarking instead of saying anything useful, so you can expect that from me.

But I've been here for fifteen years and haven't made a personal friend. Slow-going? Yeh.

 

All good things need plenty of time. I'm sure your wife will confirm that slow is better

 

The last couple of years have been, let's say, difficult for a few of us, but we hang in here for a break from the everyday.

As for 'personal friends', well, that's not where I'm at, for reasons, but you're among people who have similar interests, so that's a start.

Cool you're back.