The Pace of a Relationship

[Kommander]

If by "make an exception for you" you mean state that making serious commitments during the NRE phase wasn't a bad decision in your case, no, I won't do that. It was a bad decision. However, bad decisions don't always produce bad results. At this point, I'm pretty much an expert at making bad decisions that turn out okay. I know very little about your relationship with your wife, so I can't determine whether or no you fucked up. You have to decide that for yourself. You seem pretty happy about how things happened, so... you didn't fuck up? Either way, not my problem.

if by "make an exception for you" you mean make serious commitments to you before two years have passed, only if your wife is okay with it. I'll fax the affidavit for her to sign to your office tomorrow morning.

 

[Robert Maxwell]

What the hell are you doing??

 

[Jedi_Master]

I don't think there's a set timeline for something like this. You make the best decisions that you can with the information that you have. I believe in verifying certain things, like the person is at a basic level who they say they are. I'd want to meet other people in their lives. But at the end of the day, you can be with someone for seven months or seven years and still not know everything about them. You and I have both learned this the hard way!

I also agree that in general these timelines are often shorter as you age. If both parties know who they are, what they want, and what they're willing to give, then there's no reason to draw things out.

I agree. There is no "perfect" time for a relationship to move to new level.

 

[Squiggy]

Oh, I agree. The decision to fly straight into a serious relationship immediately after the two of us had gotten out of disastrous serious relationships was probably one of the dumbest things I've ever done. Had that also turned out bad... I don't know what I would've done.

That being said, affairs of the heart don't always involve the head. Like you said, people make bad decisions that work out great (like me - I've never been happier) and people make good decisions that turn out badly (Hitler?).

Great. Just look me up on the interwebs. I'll have my assistant fax it back to you once my wife can find a notary.

 

[Pingfah]

Moving in, 15 years, and must have my own lounge & bedroom.

Marriage, never.

Right on!

Every case is different.

I could probably move on the 15 years, for the right person. Definitely need my own space though, I've tried living with women before, and I just can't do the 2 become 1 thing, which seems to happen to a lot of people.

In all seriousness, I'd marry to make someone happy. It's just not something I personally place any value upon.

 

[Pondwater]

Moving in, 15 years, and must have my own lounge & bedroom.

Marriage, never.

Right on!

Every case is different.

I could probably move on the 15 years, for the right person. Definitely need my own space though, I've tried living with women before, and I just can't do the 2 become 1 thing, which seems to happen to a lot of people.

In all seriousness, I'd marry to make someone happy. It's just not something I personally place any value upon.

Same here...almost to the tee.

I lived with someone before and got stiffed $3 K. I won't let that bitterness ruin the next. However, if I were to be serious about someone to move in with them and/or marry them. I'd have to have my own space. There are days to where....I just like space.

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

I lived with someone before and got stiffed $3 K.

oh crap, I am so sorry to hear that

I won't let that bitterness ruin the next.

See, you have already proven you're better than them, just by that one statement.

However, if I were to be serious about someone to move in with them and/or marry them. I'd have to have my own space. There are days to where....I just like space.

I have never lived with anyone in a romantic sense. Hell, it's been 20 years since I even *had* a romantic sense. The way I look at it is, I've learned patience. As for space: Hell yeah. I like my personal space as well. And that's in normal day-to-day life, let alone romance.

 

[Kommander]

What the hell are you doing??

Squiggy and I have something real, and magical, and I will not entertain your pessimistic nay-saying on the issue.

Oh, I agree. The decision to fly straight into a serious relationship immediately after the two of us had gotten out of disastrous serious relationships was probably one of the dumbest things I've ever done. Had that also turned out bad... I don't know what I would've done.

Well that's good, both how things turned out and the realizing that I'm right thing.

That being said, affairs of the heart don't always involve the head. Like you said, people make bad decisions that work out great (like me - I've never been happier) and people make good decisions that turn out badly (Hitler?).

I had many examples growing up of how bad commitment decisions can go terribly wrong, so I have the opposite problem. I've only recently gotten to a place mentally and emotionally where I'm even capable of making serious commitments. Other bad decisions, I've made plenty. When I've made bad romantic decisions in the past, it wasn't so much that I thought they were good decisions; I realized they were bad decisions, I just didn't care, because love. Setting a time table doesn't fix the issue. The NRE phase isn't the only time people make poor relationship decisions, it's just the time when people are the most capable of making bad decisions. Even if serious commitments are put off for a few years, people often go through with them against their better judgment out of fear of hurting the other person, because the relationship is familiar, the sunk-cost fallacy, or any number of other reasons. In short: relationships are hard.

Great. Just look me up on the interwebs. I'll have my assistant fax it back to you once my wife can find a notary.

For the record, I do actually have Primary Partner Extra-Relationship Romance Release Forms.*

*This is a lie, verbal consent is sufficient for the time being. However, once I am a licensed sexologist, I will likely have some available for clients.

I could probably move on the 15 years, for the right person. Definitely need my own space though, I've tried living with women before, and I just can't do the 2 become 1 thing, which seems to happen to a lot of people.

In all seriousness, I'd marry to make someone happy. It's just not something I personally place any value upon.

I find the idea of combining my life with someone else's to be abhorrent. At minimum I require my own bedroom, at least one computer, and at least one vehicle that are solely mine. I'd also like either basement and/or garage workspace that is mine, space permitting. I'd only agree to a joint bank account if it's a secondary account and there are no automatic deposits.

Marriage I will not agree to until multiple partner marriage is legal.

 

[sidious618]

There have been some studies done on time tables, some saying as long as seven years before you truly know someone, but they tend to differ and I imagine it's difficult to study these things so put stock in them as much as you'd like.

Personally, I don't like the idea of marriage. Cohabitation might work for me. No children, though. That's a definite no for me.

In general, I say there's no reason not to take things slow. Rushing into things can end up putting more importance on the events (moving in, engagement, marriage) than on the relationship itself. It's impossible to state a hard and fast rule, though.

 

[wulfio]

About how long have you or would you want to be in a relationship with someone before you start considering the major things like moving in together, getting engaged, married, etc.?

I could say I'm not asking for any particular reason, just wondering.

I have always thought that people who eloped after two weeks or moved in together right away were absolutely crazy. I mean, I was in a past relationship for seven years and although we talked about and planned our future together, we never got married or even engaged. We moved in together after about two years of dating.

I always had the attitude that, well, could you ever really be sure about someone so soon? Or ever? I probably would have said that you should wait at least a year before moving in together, and at least two years before getting engaged.

My attitude has changed on this recently, not unrelated to a certain someone entering my life. I feel 100% sure about him and have since the day I met him. Now things that seemed absolutely crazy to me before suddenly seem to make sense...however, to other people, those things still seem crazy.

I do think that age plays a factor in this as well, as those who are younger should probably wait longer before moving in together or getting married, but the older I get the more confident I have become in what I like, who I am, and what I want, so I feel that I could do with shorter waiting periods now. I assume that this trend would continue as I continue to age.

So what would you consider a reasonable period of time before jumping into these things? Have you ever done something crazy like run off and get married to someone you just met? Did it end in terrible disaster? Do tell me your experiences.

I think that's pretty much it. Some people do things for the sake of doing them(a lot actually). And some do it because it's right.

Time doesn't matter, but I think rushing in after like a few months or something is like playing russian roulette. Ya there's some success stories. But the rest, I see people staying together for the kids, people dreading going home, people not really having anything in common with their spouses and are forced to let go of their passions because people are supposed to "compromise".

That's just my opinion anyway.

 

[DimesDan]

The only strict rule I have about the rate of change within romantic relationships is that I will not make, nor will I ask for, any serious commitments for at least two years........

And just out of curiosity, have you made it to the two year mark yet?

As for me and my OH, we first met in December 2010, we moved in together in August 2011 and I then asked her to marry me in December 2012 and we're getting married next summer.

We've both got a crap track record of previous relationships and we've just moved at a pace that feels right and natural.

 

[Kommander]

And just out of curiosity, have you made it to the two year mark yet?

Nope. Longest so far was about a year and a half, although it wasn't really a "serious commitment" kind of thing, more of a mild to moderate commitment kind of thing. it also lasted a year longer than it probably should have.

 

[Shanndee]

The only strict rule I have about the rate of change within romantic relationships is that I will not make, nor will I ask for, any serious commitments for at least two years........

And just out of curiosity, have you made it to the two year mark yet?

As for me and my OH, we first met in December 2010, we moved in together in August 2011 and I then asked her to marry me in December 2012 and we're getting married next summer.

We've both got a crap track record of previous relationships and we've just moved at a pace that feels right and natural.

This sounds a lot like me and my husband. We met, got along really well, and fell for each other. It was a matter of mere weeks until he had a drawer for some clothes and a spot for his toothbrush at my place. We got our own place together at about 4 months. At 8 months he proposed.

I am a child of divorce, and had had only unsuccessful relationships before him. He knew my fears, and told me that he wasn't in a hurry to get married, he just wanted us to commit to each other. I accepted, and weeks after that we packed his car and moved across the country. Just over 2 years later we married. We've been married for 16 years (together for 19).

As long as there is honest, open communication about important issues things and neither party feels pressure I don't see a need to adhere to any sort of artificial timeline.

Congratulations and best wishes for your upcoming wedding Dimesdan!

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

My last girlfriend hounded me relentlessly for us to get engaged. She literally would not shut up about it. And as it turned out - a month later, we broke up. But as much as it hurt at that time, I am so glad we didn't get married...it would not have worked out at all. In the end, you can't start your collective life together with the death of your self-esteem.

To put it another way: This thread may be called the PACE of the relationship, but ours was a PACER of a relationship.

Hint about how long ago this was: When I pawned the engagement ring (at that point, self-esteem wasn't just dead, it was a George Romero zombie), I used the money to buy Star Trek IV...on LASERDISC.

 

[Robert Maxwell]

I met my current primary partner almost exactly 4 years ago. We have not yet lived together but there is a nontrivial chance we will be doing so (and possibly married) in less than 3 years.

 

[Mudd]

I have always thought that people who eloped after two weeks or moved in together right away were absolutely crazy.

That's because they are.

If the entire thing doesn't become a complete and dire fuck-up they're the beneficiaries of extraordinary dumb luck because they haven't behaved in a much more intelligent or responsible way than someone driving down a four-lane highway at eighty-five miles an hour with their eyes closed.

 

[DimesDan]

And just out of curiosity, have you made it to the two year mark yet?

Nope. Longest so far was about a year and a half, although it wasn't really a "serious commitment" kind of thing, more of a mild to moderate commitment kind of thing. it also lasted a year longer than it probably should have.

Ah, so as you haven't reached the two year mark, you don't really know what you're talking about do you then.

The only strict rule I have about the rate of change within romantic relationships is that I will not make, nor will I ask for, any serious commitments for at least two years........

And just out of curiosity, have you made it to the two year mark yet?

As for me and my OH, we first met in December 2010, we moved in together in August 2011 and I then asked her to marry me in December 2012 and we're getting married next summer.

We've both got a crap track record of previous relationships and we've just moved at a pace that feels right and natural.

This sounds a lot like me and my husband. We met, got along really well, and fell for each other. It was a matter of mere weeks until he had a drawer for some clothes and a spot for his toothbrush at my place. We got our own place together at about 4 months. At 8 months he proposed.

I am a child of divorce, and had had only unsuccessful relationships before him. He knew my fears, and told me that he wasn't in a hurry to get married, he just wanted us to commit to each other. I accepted, and weeks after that we packed his car and moved across the country. Just over 2 years later we married. We've been married for 16 years (together for 19).

As long as there is honest, open communication about important issues things and neither party feels pressure I don't see a need to adhere to any sort of artificial timeline.

Congratulations and best wishes for your upcoming wedding Dimesdan!

Cheers. I myself am from divorced parents and have considerable "baggage" left over from that experience, but I consider my OH as my best friend and my rock (and I know she see's me the same) and I am incredibly lucky to have met her.

 

[Robert Maxwell]

I have always thought that people who eloped after two weeks or moved in together right away were absolutely crazy.

That's because they are.

If the entire thing doesn't become a complete and dire fuck-up they're the beneficiaries of extraordinary dumb luck because they haven't behaved in a much more intelligent or responsible way than someone driving down a four-lane highway at eighty-five miles an hour with their eyes closed.

I feel like you aren't quite giving us your honest, unfiltered opinion here.

 

[Spot's Meow]

Yes Dennis, tell us how you really feel.

On a related note, how much time do you think is typical to spend with your significant other in a week, assuming you don't live together? Do you want to see them every day, every other day, only on weekends, etc? How often do you want to talk on the phone or text?

 

[Robert Maxwell]

The one is surely going to vary from person to person. I like to see my girlfriend a couple times a week (or more) but I won't get to see her again until December.