The Pace of a Relationship

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous' started by Spot's Meow, Aug 21, 2014.

  1. Spot's Meow

    Spot's Meow Spot's Meow Premium Member

    Jul 1, 2004
    Hotel California
    About how long have you or would you want to be in a relationship with someone before you start considering the major things like moving in together, getting engaged, married, etc.?

    I could say I'm not asking for any particular reason, just wondering. :shifty:

    I have always thought that people who eloped after two weeks or moved in together right away were absolutely crazy. I mean, I was in a past relationship for seven years and although we talked about and planned our future together, we never got married or even engaged. We moved in together after about two years of dating.

    I always had the attitude that, well, could you ever really be sure about someone so soon? Or ever? I probably would have said that you should wait at least a year before moving in together, and at least two years before getting engaged.

    My attitude has changed on this recently, not unrelated to a certain someone entering my life. :luvlove: I feel 100% sure about him and have since the day I met him. Now things that seemed absolutely crazy to me before suddenly seem to make sense...however, to other people, those things still seem crazy.

    I do think that age plays a factor in this as well, as those who are younger should probably wait longer before moving in together or getting married, but the older I get the more confident I have become in what I like, who I am, and what I want, so I feel that I could do with shorter waiting periods now. I assume that this trend would continue as I continue to age.

    So what would you consider a reasonable period of time before jumping into these things? Have you ever done something crazy like run off and get married to someone you just met? Did it end in terrible disaster? Do tell me your experiences.
  2. Pingfah

    Pingfah Fleet Admiral Admiral

    Feb 28, 2005
    Moving in, 15 years, and must have my own lounge & bedroom.

    Marriage, never.
  3. Kestra

    Kestra Admiral Premium Member

    Jul 6, 2005
    I don't think there's a set timeline for something like this. You make the best decisions that you can with the information that you have. I believe in verifying certain things, like the person is at a basic level who they say they are. I'd want to meet other people in their lives. But at the end of the day, you can be with someone for seven months or seven years and still not know everything about them. You and I have both learned this the hard way!

    If you're going to do something like move in together or get married, you need to be aware of the possible consequences. A breakup when you're living together is messy, and divorce is awful. But if these are risks that you are willing to take and can afford the possible negative consequences, why not?

    I also agree that in general these timelines are often shorter as you age. If both parties know who they are, what they want, and what they're willing to give, then there's no reason to draw things out.
  4. Amaris

    Amaris Abiding Eos Premium Member

    Dec 25, 2002
    United States
    I'm a firm believer in letting things move however they need to move. If my partner likes me so much that he or she wants me to move in with him or her, and I feel comfortable with it, I don't see an issue. My parents knew each other two weeks before getting married, and they've been together 35 years.
  5. Captain Kathryn

    Captain Kathryn Commodore Commodore

    Feb 26, 2013
    Captain Kathryn
    This happened to me.

    I was with the same person for 8 years and we were engaged, but something always felt off. When I realized that no amount of time going by would change my mind, I broke it off. He also did some crazy things like curse out my sick mother and he had some mental issues. Even though 99% of the time we were fine, I couldn't deal with the 1% crazy side. And I really just could never marry him despite loving him and being with him for so long.

    The guy I am with now I would have no trouble moving in with because it feels much more right. My previous boyfriend was a bit controlling. I feel much freer now with my new boyfriend and it makes me feel less pressured to move in / get married and more that I just...want to.

    I don't know, but I can definitely relate.
  6. Shanndee

    Shanndee Commodore Commodore

    Sep 6, 2010
    I agree J. Allen. As long as you discuss things openly and are honest with each other things can go smoothly. I also think it is important to see how your significant other acts around their friends and family, and if you like/get along with them.

    When I met my husband was a friend of a friend. I liked most of his friends and I loved his family. We moved in together very quickly and within 8 months we packed up his car and moved to the other side of the country together. We have been together 19 years, married for 16.

    Talk honestly to each other, meet the important people in each other's lives, and hope!
  7. Ancient Mariner

    Ancient Mariner Vice Admiral Admiral

    Jun 3, 2009
    I'm not a fan of setting artificial timetables for things. As J. Allen and Shanndee so astutely point out, it all depends on the circumstances and the level honest communication. If both are open and honest, the pace will move as quickly (or slowly) as it should. So as long as that is happening, I'd say ... enjoy the ride (and may that enjoyment last for a long, long time)! :techman:
  8. Nerys Myk

    Nerys Myk The Walrus Premium Member

    Nov 4, 2001
    Sitting on a cornflake.
    My wife and I dated for about a year. Got engaged and married a year later.

  9. Robert Maxwell

    Robert Maxwell memelord Premium Member

    Jun 12, 2001
    Timelines for these things are 100% relative and individual. I've known of people who moved in after a few months and were happily married for decades, and then people who waited years to move in together. Everything happens in its own time.
  10. SPCTRE

    SPCTRE Badass Admiral

    Nov 26, 2008
    Essentially this. I'd also suggest that for a specific individual, it may also differ from one relationship to the next (much like the OP describes).
  11. Robert Maxwell

    Robert Maxwell memelord Premium Member

    Jun 12, 2001
    That's been the case for me, as well. Every situation is different.
  12. Naira

    Naira Rear Admiral Rear Admiral

    Sep 23, 2002
    I am not sure. It depends on the couple. However, I have noticed that people seem to move in together sooner as they get older. Most of my friends who met their partner when we were 20-something are still together but haven't moved in together. On the contrary, many of my friends who met in their 30s are already married with children.
  13. Sector 7

    Sector 7 Vice Admiral Admiral

    Mar 27, 2008
    Rural North Carolina
    Bingo! :techman: He must also be incredibly wealthy and terminally ill... and have me in his will.
  14. Taylirious

    Taylirious Rear Admiral Rear Admiral

    Oct 6, 2009
    We met on a Monday
    Fell in love on a Tuesday
    Married on a Wednesday
    Fought on a Thursday
    Grew worse on a Friday
    Broke up on a Saturday
    Divorced on a Sunday
    That was the end
    Will find a new love someday.

  15. Pondwater

    Pondwater Rear Admiral Rear Admiral

    Jan 27, 2011
    The Backwoods
    Right on!

    Every case is different.

    I hope for the best for you Spot's Meow. :)
  16. Squiggy

    Squiggy FrozenToad Admiral

    Jul 5, 2006
    Left Bank
    My wife and I were dating long term for 3 months before she moved to town. We defacto moved in together...staying at each other's place 6 nights a week pretty much as soon as she got here.

    3 months later, we officially moved into together.

    We were engaged 1 year after our first date.

    We were married 1 year, 2 months, 13 days after that (828 days after we discovered the other existed)

    That being said...sometimes moving that quickly works. Sometimes it doesn't.
  17. propita

    propita Rear Admiral Rear Admiral

    Mar 9, 2001
    fresno, ca, us
    We met at work.
    A year and a half later, went out on our first date.
    Kissed 2 months after that.
    Had sex 2 months after that.
    Moved in 10 months after that.
    Got married 9 years, 2 months after that.
    Been married 18 years, 3 months.
  18. FPAlpha

    FPAlpha Vice Admiral Admiral

    Nov 7, 2004
    Mannheim, Germany
    Taylor Swift might not be the best example when it comes to relationship advice ;)

    As others have said you can't put a timetable on a relationship. If it feels right for both sides it feels right and then it doesn't matter if you marry after a month or 10 years.
  19. Kommander

    Kommander Commodore Commodore

    Mar 22, 2005
    The only strict rule I have about the rate of change within romantic relationships is that I will not make, nor will I ask for, any serious commitments for at least two years. By "serious commitments," I mean long-term commitments that are difficult to back out of or or renegotiate, or that can have long-term consequences. I have two reasons for this:

    1: The Honeymoon Period, (also referred to as New Relationship Energy). Early in romantic relationships, one's brain produces excess oxytocin as well as other hormones and neurotransmitters, causing one to view the relationship more positively than it probably actually is, and can cause one to overlook or dismiss potentially serious problems. Brain chemical production typically returns to normal a year to eighteen months into the relationship. In other words, one is not in their right mind for the first year and a half of a relationship, and making important decisions during that time is a bad idea.

    B: Rushing commitment is something abusive people do. It's more difficult to leave a bad relationship if a couple cohabits or have a child together than if they live separately and/or have no children, and many abusers try to get these things in place as early as possible. I've had enough abusive people in my life at this point.

    I picked two years as the threshold for serious commitment to create a grace period for New Relationship Energy. If the relationship hasn't fallen apart six months after NRE has definitely worn off, it's likely to last a good deal longer, and serious commitments are probably okay.

    Other than that, it's not so much when that's important, but why that's important. Dating for a certain length of time is not a sufficient reason to cohabit or marry. Although, I date solely to form and explore connections with other individuals without specific goals in mind, not to find a life partner like most people do. Dating with a specific end-result in mind doesn't make the slightest bit of sense to me, but apparently it does to most people, so whatever.
  20. Squiggy

    Squiggy FrozenToad Admiral

    Jul 5, 2006
    Left Bank
    Will you make an exception for me?