What would you do?

[ed629]

I have friend, female friend who I do care about. I am not interested in dating her, or having a romantic relationship with her. She is currently in school, and due to her classes, work schedule and other aspects in her life it is difficult for her to do her homework since she only has a computer at home. And in her classes many of her teachers sue power point presentations as part of the class, she has wait until she gets home to be able to review the power point presentation, which means she often has to rewrite her notes or correct her notes from class.

I was recently able to obtain 5 laptop computers for a very small cost... each one came to a few dollars. I have been repairing and working on them, at the moment 3 of them are capable of wifi, along with have MS Office, some graphic programs and other commonly used programs. The three that are running well, each took me some time to get to that point.

Previously she had told me about how difficult it was for her at times to finish her school work, and after losing the power one night, which not only caused her to lose a large amount of a paper she had written, but also left her unable to complete her paper until the next day since the power was out for several hours. She had to miss several hours of work the next day.

After hearing of that, and she was unaware of the laptops I offered her one, granted I could sell it on eBay, and get about $200 for it. At first she was in shock, then was very moved by it, and then said that she could not take it as she didn't have the money to pay me for it. I told her that I couldn't accept payment for it and that it was a gift to her.

It's now been almost two weeks since it has been ready for her to take, and everytime I have attempted to get it to he she has either canceled and on one occasion she didn't show up (her excuse was that she went out with a friend for a girl's dinner), I had also canceled plans so she could pick it up.

I'm at the point of simply placing it on a local BBS and offering it for free to the first person to take respond. And if she does ask for it, I'll simply tell her that I don't mind doing things for people, but when I end up being jacked over it, as in canceling my plans and her simply saying "I forgot" when it was only three hours earlier that she said she would stop by then I get irritated.

Keep in mind that in the past I have also helped her out with several items for her apartment, and again didn't accept payment and even discarded the check she wrote for the items.

What would you do?

 

[Tim]

I'd stop caring about her...and quickly.

 

[auntiehill]

Dude, you tried to help, but she obviously doesn't want it. Maybe it's her pride, or maybe she is too embarrassed or afraid to feel obligated.

I would tell her that you're going to give the laptop away/sell it on a specific DAY, and if she wants it, she has to come and get it herself before then; PERIOD. If she wants it badly enough, she'll come and take it without inconveniencing you any further.

If she doesn't come and get it by that date, then too bad. Don't go out of your way any more than you already have.

 

[ed629]

Dude, you tried to help, but she obviously doesn't want it. Maybe it's her pride, or maybe she is too embarrassed or afraid to feel obligated.

I don't think it's that, she can really use it and does need one. I have helped her out in the past with giving her stuff she needs that I had extras of or didn't use or need myself. When she got her apartment she needed quite a few items, I gave stuff that I could of sold for about $6-800 and have never made her feel obligated to me. Even then she offered to pay and I knew she could really afford to give me anything then.

I would tell her that you're going to give the laptop away/sell it on a specific DAY, and if she wants it, she has to come and get it herself before then; PERIOD. If she wants it badly enough, she'll come and take it without inconveniencing you any further.

If she doesn't come and get it by that date, then too bad. Don't go out of your way any more than you already have.

That's where I'm almost at... yet I know this coming semester she will really need one for one of her classes as almost the entire class is power point in class and her home computer can barely run power point.

 

[auntiehill]

If she really wants it, she'll come get it. If not, too bad for her.

While kindness is a wonderful virtue, you also are not her mother. I'm assuming she's an adult, so it's up to her to take care of it. Helping someone is one thing; taking on their problems is another. Stop worrying about her and what she needs. Offer it to her, tell her to come get it. If she does, great. If she doesn't, then you can sell it, because really, it's on HER---not you.

Take it from an old broad; don't get too wrapped up in your friend's problems. They need to handle their own stuff to a certain degree. Hubby's been helping his loser best friend out for more than 20 years and still can't get out of that entanglement. He's not "helping" so much as "supporting" this loser who is now incapable of doing anything for himself.

Don't go down that road.

 

[ed629]

If she really wants it, she'll come get it. If not, too bad for her.

While kindness is a wonderful virtue, you also are not her mother. I'm assuming she's an adult, so it's up to her to take care of it. Helping someone is one thing; taking on their problems is another. Stop worrying about her and what she needs. Offer it to her, tell her to come get it. If she does, great. If she doesn't, then you can sell it, because really, it's on HER---not you.

Take it from an old broad; don't get too wrapped up in your friend's problems. They need to handle their own stuff to a certain degree. Hubby's been helping his loser best friend out for more than 20 years and still can't get out of that entanglement. He's not "helping" so much as "supporting" this loser who is now incapable of doing anything for himself.

Don't go down that road.

She is an adult... early-mid 20's...and the other thing, I think part of why I do end up feeling bad for her and trying to help her is that she will often tell me about what is going on, or what her problems are. I try not to get too wrapped up, but in the end I always end up being there for her, often the one friend who does listen or is there when all her other friends are too busy or don't seem to care.

Thanks for the advice... very similar to what other people have told me in real life.

 

[FPAlpha]

Easy.. tell her you'll reserve it for her until a specific date and then sell it.

If she doesn't pick it up you don't need to feel sorry.. she's had many opportunities to pick it up and let all of them go.

If she however gives you hard time over it you can give it back the same and not feel guilty.

 

[RJDiogenes]

It's possible that she misunderstands your intentions. It probably would have been a better idea to offer to let her borrow it.

 

[Australis]

Tell her it's a loaner, you want it back after she's finished with it, or she can pay for it then. You and I know that's not the case, but it may make her feel less pressured - you've already done a helluva lot for her. Say the same about the furniture too, if that helps.

 

[shrantastic]

Dude, if someone was going to give me a free laptop, I would have my car idling in their driveway before they finished calling me with the offer. I think this girl's problems have nothing to do with you or your kind gesture (which is really thoughtful btw); she has some of the proverbial "issues" to work through. I agree with the other posters who said make a final date for pickup; if she doesn't take advantage, sell it. And don't take it personally- I think this is all on her.

 

[archeryguy1701]

I am with auntiehill... give her a specific date to work with, and make her aware that if she doesn't come for it by then, then you are going sell it or give it away elsewhere.

 

[Saturn0660]

Heres what you should do.. go get a padded box. PM me and i'll send you my work address.. then you could send it UPS to me..

 

[freak]

I'm with the others on here..don't get too wrapped up in her issues..and don't let her take advantage of you! I think that you were being very nice to give her a free labtop and if she didn't want it, that's her own damn fault and loss! But don't feel sorry for her anymore and tell her you will give her until such and such date and if she doesn't come after it, then you're selling it, end of story. Sounds like she has some of her own issues to work on right now anyway.

 

[Australis]

Heres what you should do.. go get a padded box. PM me and i'll send you my work address.. then you could send it UPS to me..

Or me, I can help you out like that too.

 

[Shatmandu]

Tell her she's got one last chance to pick it up at a certain time on a certain date.

If she misses it, get rid of it another way.

Joe, quick

 

[RevdKathy]

I'd try again. She obviously isn't comfortable with the gift. Offer it as a loan, or tell her to make a donation to charity for it (and don't ask how much).

I'd also make is very, very clear that there's no 'strings' attached to this. A guy giving a girl a laptop might very well be expecting something in return.