Voyager - The Planning Session

[Oddish]

DRAMATIS PERSONAE
Names have been deleted to protect the ignora... I mean, innocent.
WRITER 1: A writer just assigned to the Voyager writing team, who has no idea what he's gotten into.
WRITER 2: The head writer of the new Trek series.
WRITER 3: Writer 2's main assistant.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: The following effort was created to amuse, not to enlighten. I doubt it ever happened this way... but it does make you wonder, doesn't it? Since it features writers instead of characters, I didn't think it was a fanfiction, but if our good mods feel otherwise, you are welcome to move it.


The UPN Writers' Lounge, bright and early one morning in 1994. Writer 1 walks into the room, where Wiiters 2 and 3 are in consultation.


WRITER 1: "Hello, my name is [REDACTED]. I'm supposed to be meting the writers for the new Trek series, Voyager."


WRITER 2: "That's me."


WRITER 3: "That's us."


WRITER 2: "Welcome aboard."


WRITER 1: "Glad to be here."


WRITER 2: "So, let's get right into it. Do you have any questions?"


WRITER 1: "Well, tell me about Voyager. I know it's about a smaller ship than Enterprise. No families, no pets."


WRITER 2: "None. Not even a fish in the ready room."


WRITER 1: "So, what's its mission?"


WRITER 2: "It's headed into the demilitarized zone to hunt the Maquis."


WRITER 1: "Hunting space terrorists, huh? Sounds like something a warship would do. Is it a warship?"


WRITER 2: "Uhhh... no."


WRITER 3: "It's more a ship for deep space exploration. Small crew, limited armaments. Less than 40 photon torpedoes, compared to the Enterprise's 250."


WRITER 2: "But it's fast. Its top speed is warp 9.975."


WRITER 1: "That's about 5000 times the speed of light... so what happens to it?"


WRITER 2: "It gets stuck way over in the Delta Quadrant, 70,000 light years from Earth, and it has to make its way home."


WRITER 1: "So let's see... with its top speed, that's a 14-year journey."


WRITER 2: "Well, no. It's a 70-year journey."


WRITER 3: "At high warp."


WRITER 1: "But that makes no sense. You're saying the ship can hit warp 9.975, but it's only going to cruise at warp 8. That's like saying your Honda Civic can reach 135 miles an hour, but you're only going to drive it at 27."


WRITER 2: "Well, that's not its cruising speed."


WRITER 1: "Well, I'm glad you realize that. What is its cruising speed?"


WRITER 2: "Warp 6."


WRITER 1: "But that makes even less sense. It's like driving that sports car along at only 11 miles an hour. What, is there bunch of parking lots between the Delta Quadrant and Earth?"


WRITER 2: "You don't need to worry about that."


WRITER 3: "Yeah, really. It's not like the audience have access to a warp speed calculator or anything."


Warp speed calculator: https://www.st-minutiae.com/resources/warp/index.html


WRITER 1: "Whatever... so, what's the crew like. I know it's the first series with a ship captained by a woman."


WRITER 2: "Yup. Captain Janeway."


WRITER 1: "What's she like?"


WRITER 2: "Well, think of her as a combination of James Kirk, Jean Luc Picard, Captain Ahab, Albert Einstein, and John Rambo, in the body of a young Katherine Hepburn."


WRITER 1: "Yikes. What are her strengths and weaknesses?"


WRITER 2: "She's the first woman captain in a Star Trek series. She has no weaknesses."


WRITER 1: "No weaknesses?"


WRITER 2: "Nope. She's never wrong about anything."


WRITER 3: "If we ever let her be wrong about anything, we'd all be branded as male chauvinist pigs."


WRITER 1: "But that's bad writing. All characters should have flaws."


WRITER 2: "Well, Janeway actually will have one weakness. Even though she's never wrong, she'll sometimes think she was wrong, but she'll be wrong about that."


WRITER 3: "But she'll never be wrong about anything else."


WRITER 1: "I've heard that one before."


WRITER 2: "Oh, and she's also a serious coffee addict."


WRITER 1: "And there's nothing at all that she's bad at?"


WRITER 2: "Well, maybe ballet." (Writer 3 shows him something in a script) "Nope, she's even good at ballet."


WRITER 3: "She can't cook, though. She regularly incinerates pot roasts."


WRITER 1: "Not that that matters, when Voyager has replicators."


WRITER 3: "And a cook."


WRITER 2: "She might have one or two other flaws...but no one will know what they are, because her personality will change from week to week, depending on who writes her."


WRITER 1: "You're serious about that... don't answer that, I'm not sure I want to know. Does our infallible java addict have a first name?"


WRITER 2: "It doesn't matter. We might give her a name, but then the actress chosen to play her will probably change it. And then on the off chance that the first actress quits and we have to replace her with someone else, she'll probably pick yet another name."


WRITER 3: "Hey, you think that's bad, wait 'til you hear about the Doctor."


WRITER 1: "Why? What's the doctor's name?"


WRITER 2: "He doesn't have one. He's the ship's Emergency Holographic Medical System."


WRITER 1: "A hologram, huh? Well, wouldn't they give him a name anyway?"


WRITER 2: "Nope."


WRITER 3: "He'll ask for a name early on, but they'll never get around to giving him one."


WRITER 2: "Except in alternate timelines and ill-fated holodeck adventures. We'll have plenty of both."


WRITER 3: "It IS Star Trek, after all."


WRITER 1: "So as an artificial lifeform, he'll be like Spock, or Data... the outsider who just doesn't 'get' humans."


WRITER 2: "Actually, we'll have more than one of those."


WRITER 1: "Who else?"


WRITER 2: "Well, there will be Lieutenant Tuvok."


WRITER 1: "What's he like?"


WRITER 2: "Well, he's Vulcan, but he's also black."


WRITER 3: "We figured that thanks to Mr. Spock, Vulcans are way cooler than humans. And because it's the 1990's, everyone knows that black people are cooler than white people. So we figure that a black Vulcan will just be cool overload."


WRITER 1: "Ooo-kay. So, will he be science officer? Or will he have Data's job at Ops?"


WRITER 2: "Neither. He'll be security chief and tactical officer."


WRITER 3: "And also an undercover Maquis spy. Kind of like James Bond, but black and with pointy ears."


WRITER 1: "So, who's at Ops?"


WRITER 2: "Ensign Harry Kim."


WRITER 1: "Uh... don't you mean 'Lieutenant Harry Kim'?"


WRITER 2: "No, Ensign. He's right out of the academy."


WRITER 3: "Voyager's his first assignment."


WRITER 1: "What's a kid right out of the academy doing running a department on a starship? Shouldn't a brand-new ensign have... I dunno, an ensign's job?"


WRITER 2: "What do you mean?"


WRITER 1: "Like on 'Lower Decks', that Next Generation episode that aired just a few months ago. Taking orders, staying behind the scenes, and not knowing dick about anything."


WRITER 2: "Oh, no. He's one of Janeway's senior officers."


WRITER 1: "But he's NOT a senior officer. He's a newly minted ensign who was probably daydreaming in an exobiology classroom in San Francisco a couple days ago. It doesn't get more junior than that."


WRITER 3: "Yeah, so?"


WRITER 1: "So that makes no sense whatsoever."


WRITER 2: "Don't worry about it. The viewers are idiots. That won't know that."


WRITER 1: "Can't we just make him a lieutenent? I mean, is there anything he's going to be doing on the show that he couldn't do with an extra pip on his collar?"


WRITER 2: "Well... no, I guess not."


WRITER 1: "Then why not just make him a lieutenant?"


WRITER 2: "Becauise someone's gotta be the ensign."


WRITER 1: "Why?"


WRITER 2: "They just do."


WRITER 1: "Deep Space 9 doesn't have an ensign."


WRITER 2: "Doesn't matter. Someone's gotta be the ensign."


WRITER 1: "All right, whatever. At least the character will have room to develop. Gain new experiences, learn stuff about life, spread his wings. Grow from a wet behind the ears academy grad into a seasoned and capable spacefarer. And of course, get a field promotion or two."


WRITER 2: "Well, actually, none of that's going to happen."


WRITER 3: "He's going to be pretty much totally static."


WRITER 2: "And he'll definitely never get promoted."


WRITER 3: "That'll be the only thing people really remember about him."


WRITER 1: "You're going to have a character remain an ensign for the duration of the show?! Why?! Is he incompetent or something?"


WRITER 2: "Oh, no, he's definitely not going to be stupid or incompetent. If we did that, he might actually be a memorable character."


WRITER 1: "And... you people actually think that this makes sense."


WRITER 2: "Well... yeah, why wouldn't it?"


WRITER 1: "Uhh... right. Is there anything else we should remember about Senior Officer Ensign Kim?"


WRITER 2: "Well, he plays the oboe."


WRITER 3: "I thought it was the clarinet."


WRITER 2: "It's one of those licorice stick instruments. And he dies three or four times, but always gets brought back."


WRITER 3: "And he almost gets to be an alien once."


WRITER 2: "Yeah, but we decided not to do that. That might have made him interesting."


WRITER 1 (sarcastically): "Well, we can't have interesting characters, can we? Anything more about him?"


WRITER 2: "Well, he and Tom Paris are best buds."


WRITER 1: "Tom Who?"


WRITER 2: "Tom Paris. He's the helmsman."


WRITER 3: "And unofficial Mary Sue."


WRITER 1: "Mary Sue?"


WRITER 2: "Yeah, you know, that guy who's good at everything. Pilot, ship designer, holo-programmer, amateur historian, medical technician, you name it, Tom Paris can do it."


WRITER 1: "Wait a minute... that guy looks familiar. Isn't that Nick Lacarno from 'The First Duty'?"


WRITER 2: "Oh, no. Completely different. Tom Paris is a guy who got chucked out of Starfleet because his negligence caused someone to get killed."


WRITER 1: "But... Nick Lacarno is a guy who got chucked out of Starfleet because his negligence caused someone to get killed."


WRITER 2: "Well, this is a different guy who got chucked out of Starfleet because his negligence caused someone to get killed."


WRITER 1: "And Harry and Tom... are they... like... with each other?"


WRITER 2: "Oh, no no no, it's pure bromance. We absolutely cannot have any hint on the show that gay people might actually exist."


WRITER 3: "Absolutely not. You can have a guy dating a two-year-old, that's just fine, but no gay people."


WRITER 1: "Guy... dating a two-year-old?"


WRITER 2: "Yup, that would be Neelix."


WRITER 1: "And what does he do when he goes out with his 'girlfriend'?! Buy her an ice cream cone and then clean it off her face with a wet-wipe?"


WRITER 2: "Well, actually, she's an Ocampa. They live only nine years, so they're mature adults by age one."


WRITER 1: "All right... I still don't know what to think about that, but what's up with Neelix? Is he in Starfleet?"


WRITER 2: "No, he's a Talaxian civilian. His official job is cook and morale officer, but he's really just there to annoy Tuvok."


WRITER 3: "Talaxians are kind of like the opposite of Vulcans: outgoing to the point of being obnoxious."


WRITER 1: "And so you've put this character on the show.. just to vex the Vulcan."


WRITER 2: "Not exactly. You see, Next Generation had Wesley, and DS9 has Bashir. In other words, they both have a completely irritating character that most of the audience just wants to see get strangled. We figured we'd better have one too."


WRITER 1: "OK, so what about Kes?"


WRITER 2: "Well, as I said, she's two, and she looks and acts like she's 25."


WRITER 3 (to Writer 2): "Is that like the girl you told me about? the one who was 16 and looked 23?"


WRITER 2: "Shut up." (to Writer 1) "Nothing happened between us."


WRITER 1: "I didn't say anything."


WRITER 2: "Anyway, the Ocampa have really short lifespans, but they're really intelligent, and they have these mysterious mental powers."


WRITER 1: "I see. So, you have this woman from an alien race, with unknown secret abilities. And as you develop her, she'll have a wide variety of experiences over the course of the show because of that and her abbreviated lifespan: motherhood, aging, and finally dying in her bed, surrounded by the ship's crew, her loving family."


WRITER 2: "Nah, we won't do much with her, either."


WRITER 1: "Are you going to develop ANY of these fascinating characters you're introducing here?"


WRITER 2: " Well, the Doctor will get to evolve a bit."


WRITER 3: "He just won't get a name."


WRITER 1 (sighs): "All right... look, you said there were going to be some renegade Maquis on the ship, that should be good for tension. Which characters are going to be Maquis?"


WRITER 2: "The first officer is. He's a Native American."


WRITER 1: "Really? What tribe is he from."


WRITER 2: "Actually... we never say."


WRITER 3: "But he talks about spirit animals and medicine wheels."


WRITER 1: "And does he, like, have cool Indian hair?"


WRITER 2: "No, he has the shortest hair on the ship. But he's got a cool tattoo on his face."


WRITER 1: "OK... but he's still Maquis, right? So he's going to have some major arguments with Janeway, maybe a brawl or two. And he'll try to incite a mutiny and take over the ship at least once, right?" (silence) "Don't tell me, let me guess. No?"


WRITER 2: "He'll be eating out of Janeway's hand before Voyager's gone its first thousand light years."


WRITER 3: "He'll punch someone, but it'll be one of his own people, because they're whining about having to follow Starfleet rules."


WRITER 2: "That will be about the last interesting thing he does."


WRITER 1: "I forgot to ask... will there be romance on the show at all?"


WRITER 2: "Well... any time Janeway and Chakotay are in a room together, it will get so hot that things will start spontaneously combusting."


WRITER 1: "Interesting... so they'll have a romance? Maybe get married, and have kids, start turning Voyager into an intergenerational ship."


WRITER 2: "Nope. Janeway's too Starfleet to date someone under her command. They'll just spend seven years exchanging steamy glances."


WRITER 3: "We'll only have one kid born on Voyager, and that will be to a crew member who was already pregnant."


WRITER 2: "We'll probably pair Chakotay off with someone late in the series, maybe with a crew member with whom he has no chemistry at all."


WRITER 1: "And that will be the only romance onboard?"


WRITER 2: "Well, we think we'll have Paris date the chief engineer."


WRITER 1: "The chief engineer? I assume she's a woman. What's she like?"


WRITER 2: "Well, she's half Klingon and half human. You know how that is."


WRITER 1: "Ooooo, this should be interesting. So, is she a warrior? Does she run around the ship with a dakh'tag hidden in her belt and threatening people who insult her honor?"


WRITER 2: "Uhhh... no."


WRITER 3: "She punches a guy once, though."


WRITER 1: "So she gets thrown in the brig for a week or two and has to learn to calm herself down?"


WRITER 2: "No, she gets promoted to chief engineer."


WRITER 1: "For punching someone... really?"


WRITER 2: "More or less."


WRITER 1: "And what happens later? Does she get to be captain after she guts Janeway with a bat'leth?"


WRITER 2: "Nah. After that, she stops punching people."


WRITER 3: "She just gets emo a lot. Like a goth kid, but without the black lipstick."


WRITER 2: "Maybe a little self-harm, though."


WRITER 1: "Even so, there's something sexy in Klingon women. She's a Maquis, does she get to wear a really hot outfit?"


WRITER 2: "Nah, she wears a Starfleet uniform just like all the others do. It covers everything except her head and her hands.


WRITER 3: "Even Kes's civilian clothes are pretty modest."


WRITER 1: "So, no female characters in eye candy outfits."


WRITER 2: "Absolutely not. Star Trek is an enlightened show."


WRITER 3: "Really. Human females have evolved beyond the need to show off their bodies by wearing short dresses or super-tight catsuits."


WRITER 2: "We absolutely, unquestionably, will not under any circumstances dress any of our female characters in those kind of outfits."


WRITER 1: "Not even if you get a new character on the show, played by an actress who happens to have a really impressive rack, and a gorgeous butt as well?"


WRITER 2: "No. Not even then."


The End?

 

[Lynx]

DRAMATIS PERSONAE
Names have been deleted to protect the ignora... I mean, innocent.
WRITER 1: A writer just assigned to the Voyager writing team, who has no idea what he's gotten into.
WRITER 2: The head writer of the new Trek series.
WRITER 3: Writer 2's main assistant.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: The following effort was created to amuse, not to enlighten. I doubt it ever happened this way... but it does make you wonder, doesn't it? Since it features writers instead of characters, I didn't think it was a fanfiction, but if our good mods feel otherwise, you are welcome to move it.


The UPN Writers' Lounge, bright and early one morning in 1994. Writer 1 walks into the room, where Wiiters 2 and 3 are in consultation.


WRITER 1: "Hello, my name is [REDACTED]. I'm supposed to be meting the writers for the new Trek series, Voyager."


WRITER 2: "That's me."


WRITER 3: "That's us."


WRITER 2: "Welcome aboard."


WRITER 1: "Glad to be here."


WRITER 2: "So, let's get right into it. Do you have any questions?"


WRITER 1: "Well, tell me about Voyager. I know it's about a smaller ship than Enterprise. No families, no pets."


WRITER 2: "None. Not even a fish in the ready room."


WRITER 1: "So, what's its mission?"


WRITER 2: "It's headed into the demilitarized zone to hunt the Maquis."


WRITER 1: "Hunting space terrorists, huh? Sounds like something a warship would do. Is it a warship?"


WRITER 2: "Uhhh... no."


WRITER 3: "It's more a ship for deep space exploration. Small crew, limited armaments. Less than 40 photon torpedoes, compared to the Enterprise's 250."


WRITER 2: "But it's fast. Its top speed is warp 9.975."


WRITER 1: "That's about 5000 times the speed of light... so what happens to it?"


WRITER 2: "It gets stuck way over in the Delta Quadrant, 70,000 light years from Earth, and it has to make its way home."


WRITER 1: "So let's see... with its top speed, that's a 14-year journey."


WRITER 2: "Well, no. It's a 70-year journey."


WRITER 3: "At high warp."


WRITER 1: "But that makes no sense. You're saying the ship can hit warp 9.975, but it's only going to cruise at warp 8. That's like saying your Honda Civic can reach 135 miles an hour, but you're only going to drive it at 27."


WRITER 2: "Well, that's not its cruising speed."


WRITER 1: "Well, I'm glad you realize that. What is its cruising speed?"


WRITER 2: "Warp 6."


WRITER 1: "But that makes even less sense. It's like driving that sports car along at only 11 miles an hour. What, is there bunch of parking lots between the Delta Quadrant and Earth?"


WRITER 2: "You don't need to worry about that."


WRITER 3: "Yeah, really. It's not like the audience have access to a warp speed calculator or anything."


Warp speed calculator: https://www.st-minutiae.com/resources/warp/index.html


WRITER 1: "Whatever... so, what's the crew like. I know it's the first series with a ship captained by a woman."


WRITER 2: "Yup. Captain Janeway."


WRITER 1: "What's she like?"


WRITER 2: "Well, think of her as a combination of James Kirk, Jean Luc Picard, Captain Ahab, Albert Einstein, and John Rambo, in the body of a young Katherine Hepburn."


WRITER 1: "Yikes. What are her strengths and weaknesses?"


WRITER 2: "She's the first woman captain in a Star Trek series. She has no weaknesses."


WRITER 1: "No weaknesses?"


WRITER 2: "Nope. She's never wrong about anything."


WRITER 3: "If we ever let her be wrong about anything, we'd all be branded as male chauvinist pigs."


WRITER 1: "But that's bad writing. All characters should have flaws."


WRITER 2: "Well, Janeway actually will have one weakness. Even though she's never wrong, she'll sometimes think she was wrong, but she'll be wrong about that."


WRITER 3: "But she'll never be wrong about anything else."


WRITER 1: "I've heard that one before."


WRITER 2: "Oh, and she's also a serious coffee addict."


WRITER 1: "And there's nothing at all that she's bad at?"


WRITER 2: "Well, maybe ballet." (Writer 3 shows him something in a script) "Nope, she's even good at ballet."


WRITER 3: "She can't cook, though. She regularly incinerates pot roasts."


WRITER 1: "Not that that matters, when Voyager has replicators."


WRITER 3: "And a cook."


WRITER 2: "She might have one or two other flaws...but no one will know what they are, because her personality will change from week to week, depending on who writes her."


WRITER 1: "You're serious about that... don't answer that, I'm not sure I want to know. Does our infallible java addict have a first name?"


WRITER 2: "It doesn't matter. We might give her a name, but then the actress chosen to play her will probably change it. And then on the off chance that the first actress quits and we have to replace her with someone else, she'll probably pick yet another name."


WRITER 3: "Hey, you think that's bad, wait 'til you hear about the Doctor."


WRITER 1: "Why? What's the doctor's name?"


WRITER 2: "He doesn't have one. He's the ship's Emergency Holographic Medical System."


WRITER 1: "A hologram, huh? Well, wouldn't they give him a name anyway?"


WRITER 2: "Nope."


WRITER 3: "He'll ask for a name early on, but they'll never get around to giving him one."


WRITER 2: "Except in alternate timelines and ill-fated holodeck adventures. We'll have plenty of both."


WRITER 3: "It IS Star Trek, after all."


WRITER 1: "So as an artificial lifeform, he'll be like Spock, or Data... the outsider who just doesn't 'get' humans."


WRITER 2: "Actually, we'll have more than one of those."


WRITER 1: "Who else?"


WRITER 2: "Well, there will be Lieutenant Tuvok."


WRITER 1: "What's he like?"


WRITER 2: "Well, he's Vulcan, but he's also black."


WRITER 3: "We figured that thanks to Mr. Spock, Vulcans are way cooler than humans. And because it's the 1990's, everyone knows that black people are cooler than white people. So we figure that a black Vulcan will just be cool overload."


WRITER 1: "Ooo-kay. So, will he be science officer? Or will he have Data's job at Ops?"


WRITER 2: "Neither. He'll be security chief and tactical officer."


WRITER 3: "And also an undercover Maquis spy. Kind of like James Bond, but black and with pointy ears."


WRITER 1: "So, who's at Ops?"


WRITER 2: "Ensign Harry Kim."


WRITER 1: "Uh... don't you mean 'Lieutenant Harry Kim'?"


WRITER 2: "No, Ensign. He's right out of the academy."


WRITER 3: "Voyager's his first assignment."


WRITER 1: "What's a kid right out of the academy doing running a department on a starship? Shouldn't a brand-new ensign have... I dunno, an ensign's job?"


WRITER 2: "What do you mean?"


WRITER 1: "Like on 'Lower Decks', that Next Generation episode that aired just a few months ago. Taking orders, staying behind the scenes, and not knowing dick about anything."


WRITER 2: "Oh, no. He's one of Janeway's senior officers."


WRITER 1: "But he's NOT a senior officer. He's a newly minted ensign who was probably daydreaming in an exobiology classroom in San Francisco a couple days ago. It doesn't get more junior than that."


WRITER 3: "Yeah, so?"


WRITER 1: "So that makes no sense whatsoever."


WRITER 2: "Don't worry about it. The viewers are idiots. That won't know that."


WRITER 1: "Can't we just make him a lieutenent? I mean, is there anything he's going to be doing on the show that he couldn't do with an extra pip on his collar?"


WRITER 2: "Well... no, I guess not."


WRITER 1: "Then why not just make him a lieutenant?"


WRITER 2: "Becauise someone's gotta be the ensign."


WRITER 1: "Why?"


WRITER 2: "They just do."


WRITER 1: "Deep Space 9 doesn't have an ensign."


WRITER 2: "Doesn't matter. Someone's gotta be the ensign."


WRITER 1: "All right, whatever. At least the character will have room to develop. Gain new experiences, learn stuff about life, spread his wings. Grow from a wet behind the ears academy grad into a seasoned and capable spacefarer. And of course, get a field promotion or two."


WRITER 2: "Well, actually, none of that's going to happen."


WRITER 3: "He's going to be pretty much totally static."


WRITER 2: "And he'll definitely never get promoted."


WRITER 3: "That'll be the only thing people really remember about him."


WRITER 1: "You're going to have a character remain an ensign for the duration of the show?! Why?! Is he incompetent or something?"


WRITER 2: "Oh, no, he's definitely not going to be stupid or incompetent. If we did that, he might actually be a memorable character."


WRITER 1: "And... you people actually think that this makes sense."


WRITER 2: "Well... yeah, why wouldn't it?"


WRITER 1: "Uhh... right. Is there anything else we should remember about Senior Officer Ensign Kim?"


WRITER 2: "Well, he plays the oboe."


WRITER 3: "I thought it was the clarinet."


WRITER 2: "It's one of those licorice stick instruments. And he dies three or four times, but always gets brought back."


WRITER 3: "And he almost gets to be an alien once."


WRITER 2: "Yeah, but we decided not to do that. That might have made him interesting."


WRITER 1 (sarcastically): "Well, we can't have interesting characters, can we? Anything more about him?"


WRITER 2: "Well, he and Tom Paris are best buds."


WRITER 1: "Tom Who?"


WRITER 2: "Tom Paris. He's the helmsman."


WRITER 3: "And unofficial Mary Sue."


WRITER 1: "Mary Sue?"


WRITER 2: "Yeah, you know, that guy who's good at everything. Pilot, ship designer, holo-programmer, amateur historian, medical technician, you name it, Tom Paris can do it."


WRITER 1: "Wait a minute... that guy looks familiar. Isn't that Nick Lacarno from 'The First Duty'?"


WRITER 2: "Oh, no. Completely different. Tom Paris is a guy who got chucked out of Starfleet because his negligence caused someone to get killed."


WRITER 1: "But... Nick Lacarno is a guy who got chucked out of Starfleet because his negligence caused someone to get killed."


WRITER 2: "Well, this is a different guy who got chucked out of Starfleet because his negligence caused someone to get killed."


WRITER 1: "And Harry and Tom... are they... like... with each other?"


WRITER 2: "Oh, no no no, it's pure bromance. We absolutely cannot have any hint on the show that gay people might actually exist."


WRITER 3: "Absolutely not. You can have a guy dating a two-year-old, that's just fine, but no gay people."


WRITER 1: "Guy... dating a two-year-old?"


WRITER 2: "Yup, that would be Neelix."


WRITER 1: "And what does he do when he goes out with his 'girlfriend'?! Buy her an ice cream cone and then clean it off her face with a wet-wipe?"


WRITER 2: "Well, actually, she's an Ocampa. They live only nine years, so they're mature adults by age one."


WRITER 1: "All right... I still don't know what to think about that, but what's up with Neelix? Is he in Starfleet?"


WRITER 2: "No, he's a Talaxian civilian. His official job is cook and morale officer, but he's really just there to annoy Tuvok."


WRITER 3: "Talaxians are kind of like the opposite of Vulcans: outgoing to the point of being obnoxious."


WRITER 1: "And so you've put this character on the show.. just to vex the Vulcan."


WRITER 2: "Not exactly. You see, Next Generation had Wesley, and DS9 has Bashir. In other words, they both have a completely irritating character that most of the audience just wants to see get strangled. We figured we'd better have one too."


WRITER 1: "OK, so what about Kes?"


WRITER 2: "Well, as I said, she's two, and she looks and acts like she's 25."


WRITER 3 (to Writer 2): "Is that like the girl you told me about? the one who was 16 and looked 23?"


WRITER 2: "Shut up." (to Writer 1) "Nothing happened between us."


WRITER 1: "I didn't say anything."


WRITER 2: "Anyway, the Ocampa have really short lifespans, but they're really intelligent, and they have these mysterious mental powers."


WRITER 1: "I see. So, you have this woman from an alien race, with unknown secret abilities. And as you develop her, she'll have a wide variety of experiences over the course of the show because of that and her abbreviated lifespan: motherhood, aging, and finally dying in her bed, surrounded by the ship's crew, her loving family."


WRITER 2: "Nah, we won't do much with her, either."


WRITER 1: "Are you going to develop ANY of these fascinating characters you're introducing here?"


WRITER 2: " Well, the Doctor will get to evolve a bit."


WRITER 3: "He just won't get a name."


WRITER 1 (sighs): "All right... look, you said there were going to be some renegade Maquis on the ship, that should be good for tension. Which characters are going to be Maquis?"


WRITER 2: "The first officer is. He's a Native American."


WRITER 1: "Really? What tribe is he from."


WRITER 2: "Actually... we never say."


WRITER 3: "But he talks about spirit animals and medicine wheels."


WRITER 1: "And does he, like, have cool Indian hair?"


WRITER 2: "No, he has the shortest hair on the ship. But he's got a cool tattoo on his face."


WRITER 1: "OK... but he's still Maquis, right? So he's going to have some major arguments with Janeway, maybe a brawl or two. And he'll try to incite a mutiny and take over the ship at least once, right?" (silence) "Don't tell me, let me guess. No?"


WRITER 2: "He'll be eating out of Janeway's hand before Voyager's gone its first thousand light years."


WRITER 3: "He'll punch someone, but it'll be one of his own people, because they're whining about having to follow Starfleet rules."


WRITER 2: "That will be about the last interesting thing he does."


WRITER 1: "I forgot to ask... will there be romance on the show at all?"


WRITER 2: "Well... any time Janeway and Chakotay are in a room together, it will get so hot that things will start spontaneously combusting."


WRITER 1: "Interesting... so they'll have a romance? Maybe get married, and have kids, start turning Voyager into an intergenerational ship."


WRITER 2: "Nope. Janeway's too Starfleet to date someone under her command. They'll just spend seven years exchanging steamy glances."


WRITER 3: "We'll only have one kid born on Voyager, and that will be to a crew member who was already pregnant."


WRITER 2: "We'll probably pair Chakotay off with someone late in the series, maybe with a crew member with whom he has no chemistry at all."


WRITER 1: "And that will be the only romance onboard?"


WRITER 2: "Well, we think we'll have Paris date the chief engineer."


WRITER 1: "The chief engineer? I assume she's a woman. What's she like?"


WRITER 2: "Well, she's half Klingon and half human. You know how that is."


WRITER 1: "Ooooo, this should be interesting. So, is she a warrior? Does she run around the ship with a dakh'tag hidden in her belt and threatening people who insult her honor?"


WRITER 2: "Uhhh... no."


WRITER 3: "She punches a guy once, though."


WRITER 1: "So she gets thrown in the brig for a week or two and has to learn to calm herself down?"


WRITER 2: "No, she gets promoted to chief engineer."


WRITER 1: "For punching someone... really?"


WRITER 2: "More or less."


WRITER 1: "And what happens later? Does she get to be captain after she guts Janeway with a bat'leth?"


WRITER 2: "Nah. After that, she stops punching people."


WRITER 3: "She just gets emo a lot. Like a goth kid, but without the black lipstick."


WRITER 2: "Maybe a little self-harm, though."


WRITER 1: "Even so, there's something sexy in Klingon women. She's a Maquis, does she get to wear a really hot outfit?"


WRITER 2: "Nah, she wears a Starfleet uniform just like all the others do. It covers everything except her head and her hands.


WRITER 3: "Even Kes's civilian clothes are pretty modest."


WRITER 1: "So, no female characters in eye candy outfits."


WRITER 2: "Absolutely not. Star Trek is an enlightened show."


WRITER 3: "Really. Human females have evolved beyond the need to show off their bodies by wearing short dresses or super-tight catsuits."


WRITER 2: "We absolutely, unquestionably, will not under any circumstances dress any of our female characters in those kind of outfits."


WRITER 1: "Not even if you get a new character on the show, played by an actress who happens to have a really impressive rack, and a gorgeous butt as well?"


WRITER 2: "No. Not even then."


The End?

You do have some points here when it comes to sloppy writing and such.

But there are some exaggerations as well.

When it comes to the Neelix-Kes relationship, Neelix wasn't "dating a two-year old". He was dating a girl who was about 18-25 years old compared to a human. OK, Neelix was obviously about 30-35 compared to a human but nothing wrong with that. I've seen worse in the world of celebrities.

I must once again state that Voyager had great characters and great actors. The series also had a great premise. The problem with the series was how those characters, actors and the premise was handled by those in charge.

Still, it was a great series in its best moments and it did have something special which makes it worth watching from time to time.

 

[at Quark's]

When it comes to the Neelix-Kes relationship, Neelix wasn't "dating a two-year old". He was dating a girl who was about 18-25 years old compared to a human. OK, Neelix was obviously about 30-35 compared to a human but nothing wrong with that. I've seen worse in the world of celebrities.
.

Her second birthday was in Twisted, 2x06. Going with the convention that one year offscreen=one year onscreen , that would have made her less than one year old in Caretaker. She doesn't even hit puberty until two episodes before her 2nd birthday. Going with a rough scale of of 1:10 that wouldn't have even made her 10 years old yet in Ocampa years in Caretaker.

A few caveats to the above though. First, I'm not sure it's fair to compare Elogium to puberty. More generally, I'm assuming in the above that you can linearly map Ocampa and human life spans, which probably isn't true, they probably reach adulthood faster than that. I'm also ignoring here that S1 was shorter than a regular season so that the time interval between Caretaker and Twisted may have been less than a year. Still, she must have been very young, even in Ocampa terms.

 

[Oddish]

Still, it was a great series in its best moments and it did have something special which makes it worth watching from time to time.

I agree, I didn't watch it when it was new, so I'm in the process of watching it now.

Remember that the preceding is not intended to be accurate. Rather, it makes its point (that most of the show's characters fell well shy of their potential) through a measure of exaggeration.

Her second birthday was in Twisted, 2x06. Going with the convention that one year offscreen=one year onscreen , that would have made her less than one year old in Caretaker.

In "Non Sequitur", Harry reveals that eight months have passed since his graduation. Assuming he was assigned to Voyager right out of Academy, S1 was slightly abbreviated. Besides, we needed extra time for episodes like "Resolutions", which covered three months.

 

[at Quark's]

In "Non Sequitur", Harry reveals that eight months have passed since his graduation. Assuming he was assigned to Voyager right out of Academy, S1 was slightly abbreviated. Besides, we needed extra time for episodes like "Resolutions", which covered three months.

Ah, that would be a useful marker, and, given that it's only 1 ep before Twisted, would make Kes about 1 year and 3-4 months old in Caretaker.

 

[Lynx]

Kes was born 12 December 2379 (Stardate 46946.3) according to my calculations.
12 December 2371 (Stardate 48945.8) was therefore her second birthday.
However, we can't compare exactly to a human timeline since the Ocampa develope in a different was so I guess that she was an equivalent to an 16-18 years old when she met Neelix.

As for Harry Kim, according to my calculations, the episode Non Sequitur took place at 5 January 2372 (Stardate 49011).
The events in Caretaker took place at Monday 26 April (Stardate 48315.6) so about eight months seems like an accurate calculation when it comes to the time between Harry's graduation and the events in Non Sequitur.

The events in Resolutions took place between 9 September 2372 (Stardate 49690.1) and 14 January 2373 (Stardate 50037.2), the date for the events in Basics.

I took the liberty to throw in the events in the book Chrysalis at 28 December 2372 (Stardate 49990) which would place the events in Resolutions between 9 September and 28 December which is about three months and more.

 

[Oddish]

16-18 is disturbing, but not perverted.

"Before and After" demonstrates the concessions that occur when humans and Ocampa romantically interact.

 

[suarezguy]

I don't think anyone objects when ensigns are the navigators/helmsmen/conn officers (and therefore, though it is kind of odd when you think about it, also considered one of the senior officers/staff), I don't see why Ops should be considered different (or the extent to which Ops really is a whole department rather than just also a senior staff position).

 

[Oddish]

You see ensigns at the helm, or workstations. You don't typically see them at senior staff meetings unless they have relevant knowledge of a situation (like in "Ensign Ro").

From the start, Harry was effectively a lieutenant. They should have either (1) made him a lieutenant from the start, (2) made him an ensign and had him start with ensign work, and only turn up at senior staff meetings when he makes LT, or (3) had him graduate to head of ops when his superior (Durst?) dies, and had him have to acclimate to running a department (and make LT soon after). The saw "someone has to be the ensign" would naturally not apply at SENIOR STAFF meetings.

 

[jackoverfull]

I don’t think the speed issue is actually an issue: a ship can have a maximum speed but might be unable to maintain it for long periods.

 

[Oddish]

I don’t think the speed issue is actually an issue: a ship can have a maximum speed but might be unable to maintain it for long periods.

Certainly. A Honda Civic has a top speed of 130 mph, but you'll blow the engine if you sustain it for more than a few minutes. But the same car is designed to sustain a lower speed (60, maybe 65) indefinitely, limited only by fuel and driver fatigue.

If Voyager had, say, a top speed of warp 9.73 (that's about 2250c), then its cruising speed would probably be 1100c or so, and allowing for fueling stops, that puts its projected travel time right at 70 years. But if its top speed is Warp 9.975 (about 5100c), and Janeway orders Warp 6 (400c), that's like driving your Honda Civic at 11 mph. And it's concordant with neither Voyager's insane top speed, or the projected travel time.

 

[The Wormhole]

TLDR. I'll just wait for the Screen Rant Pitch Meeting video.

 

[Oddish]

Well, let me know if they make one.

Planning to extend this one... there's still the actual series to mess with. Not to mention the enemies.

 

[jackoverfull]

Perhaps janeway wanted to go easy on the engines to save energy? She only got one warp core, no replacements possible...

 

[Oddish]

That might justify going Warp 9.6 instead of 9.75, but Warp 6 is just ridiculously slow for a ship like Voyager.