Voyager Caption Contest #35: "What the Hell???"

[Yeoman Randi]

Hello fellow drones! It's time for a new Voyager Caption Contest! Let me begin by thanking you all who participated!! I appreciate it very much!! A special thanks to those who i cajoled and threatened into entering. You know who you are. You guys rock!

Another thing: I'm only doing this one contest, how the hell does Ratboy juggle all the contests that he does? The man seriously deserves a prize!!

OK. Judging was NOT easy! I laughed my way through the thread for the last two weeks and kept thinking, "How the hell am i going to pick winners?" And then it hit me. Whichever captions gave me my "Morning Cawfee Spew" would be the winners!

All righty, here we go with da Winnas!

For putting a slightly different spin on an old favorite we have:

Telling Harry to use a console covered in Borg-enhanced superglue: Priceless.

For knowing to NEVER get between Janeway and her cup of Joe we have:

And that was the last time the Doctor told the captain to lay off the coffee.

For apparently knowing how NOT to ruin a finale better than the powers that be, the winner is :

Schultz: So, I hear Frakes and Sirtis are planning to ruin Enterprise's finale. Give me $1,000,000 or I'll destroy yours.

For totally getting the concept of threatening one's kids:

Don't make me turn this ship around.

For an awesome tag team effort:

JANEWAY:Blah blah blah...whole truth, nothing but the truth. yadda yadda. Look can we get this overwith? I got stuff to do.

Seven: Captain aren't you suppose to have your right hand up not you left?

Janeway: It's close enough.

Janeway: And besides, if you're so bent on protocol, why did you wait until now to wear that? All those skin-tight --

Seven: I get it.

And the special Spew Award for making me laugh so spontaneously that my morning cawfee literally came out of my nose, the winner is:

Barkley: "Cocaine? Why would you ask me that?"

CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL THE WINNERS!!

Okie dokie! We now have this week's new pics to caption which fall under the title, "What the hell??" as i found all of these pictures a little bit disconcerting.

First we have Janeway wondering what the hell Neelix is serving for dinner:

Next we have our favorite hedgehog getting maybe just a little bit creepy with Naomi Wildman:

Next we have Seska having a field day with some oddly shaped item:

And then we have two pics ripe for the photoshopping:

and

Ok! I'll let this run for two weeks. Have fun, set a course for home and ....engage!

 

[Nerys Myk]

NEELIX: Perhaps if I pretended the spoon was a choo choo?

NEELIX: Have you consulted the Doctor about your acne?

SESKA: yes...Yes!... YES!!!! OH GOD, YES!!!!

T. PARIS: What does Barclay keep mouthing????

JANEWAY: Not sure...something about the admiral being a lizard??

ALIEN: Wow, look at me!!! Why am I dating a loser like you again?

 

[Vurok]

Janeway: If you fuck around with my coffee again, I'll throw you in the brig until we reach the Alpha Quadrant.
Neelix: You don't like it? I thought I'd just make it a little more interesting... too spicy...?
Tuvok: It... burns...

Neelix: I'm terribly sorry... they look like chocolate chips... but they sure don't taste like it...

Janeway: I'm sorry, we seem to have gatecrashed the "smug as fuck" convention... We are the ones who have travelled over 70,000 light years, single-handedly destroying the Borg in the process you know?!

Alien: I can't tonight Harry... I'm... er... washing my hair...

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Neelix: "If you must, Mr. Vulcan, in the bowl, please, not on the floor. I just cleaned and waxed the floor."

Seska's new "personal massage device" had three settings: "Low," "High" and "Could make even Lindsay Lohan feel like it's the very first time."

 

[LeadHead]

Neelix: I made your favorite!

Tuvok: I have no "Favorite."

Janeway: He knows, it's an empty bowl.

Ethan Phillips took drastic measures to prevent Scarlett Pomers from ever being on "Reba."

Tuvok: Hmmmmm... maybe we should go back to the old Phaser Rifles.

Admiral Paris: Welcome back! How did you-

Janeway: It'll all be in my report Sir.

Admiral Paris: I look forward to it.

Screen goes blank

Janeway: Mister Paris-

Paris: What the hell's the matter with you? That was my dad on screen, you couldn't at least let me say hi??!! Screw this, I'm going to see my baby be born.

Kim: I think I'm in love.

Lyndsey: I think you're an idiot.

 

[F. King Daniel]

Neelix: Here's your coffee, Captain. (*sniff*) What is that revolting smell?

Janeway: I don't know. It's horrible. Tuvok, run a level 3 scan to determine th--

Tuvok: Permission to leave the bridge, captain.

Janeway: Can't you wait until after the scan?

Tuvok: I've...already waited too long, Captain.

Janeway: Oh. Permission granted.

Neelix: Those are the reason your mother is very very grateful she was born in the age of transporters!

Janeway: Oh hell, it's another Barclay episode! Who's got the remote?

 

[Smellincoffee]

Tuvok's utter disdain for any tea presented cold and without milk was ship-famous.

Tom Paris, OS: Told her there's no such thing as a real lightsaber. Not one that functions, anyway.

Admiral Paris: Janeway! Welcome home! We've exciting news about your next mission. We'd like to plan a long-term exploratory project into the Delta Quadrant....

 

[Rat Boy]

Janeway: "Look, I know he throws in the seven herbs and spices and then some, but would it kill you to try his plomeek soup?"

Tuvok: "Honestly? YES."

Neelix: "Good cranial development. No doubt considerable human ancestry. Is that how you're able to fake all this? Very good. Modern museum perfection. Right down to the cement beams. Very, very good."

Naomi: "Mooooooooom!"

Naturally, being the dullard that she is, Seska fell for Bugs Bunny's patented "spin the gun's barrel" trick.

Janeway: "Holy crap, is that Fred Willard?"

 

[Nerys Myk]

NEELIX: One of these has to be a mute button.

 

[Captain Crow]

Naomi: Neelix, did you just beef?

Naomi: Have you ever considered using deoderant?

Paris: Wow! Captain Galaxy and Future Boy didn't age well did they.

Neelix: Go ahead eat it Mr. Vulcan it's your favorite. Cream of mushroom soup. I squeezed the cream myself a few minutes ago and it's still warm.

Tuvok: I think I'm going to throw up.

Neelix: Hold on while I get a bucket. Soup day is Tuesday.

 

[Finn]

Mr. Vulcan. Here's the last coffee bowl you asked for

I saw you kiss Miral's forehead in the sickbay. You never did that to me!

At that instant, Seska realized she should have known better than erasing coffee from the ship replicator database.

Admiral Owen: Sorry, I have to cut this short. Apparently a Bisty Picard wants to talk

Oh good. I don't look like a cow

 

[Ensign Johnson]

Mr Paris was not quick enough switching back to work
Janeway: Computer, run program exploding console-Paris, authorization Janeway-delta-4-7

 

[Mistral]

Thanks for the win! Glad I could ruin your keyboard!

Neelix: "It's called phrenology and is widely accepted in many cultures."

Naomi: "Funny, in the Federation we call it pedophilia."

 

[6079SmithW]

Janeway: I don't give a damn how constipated you are, Mr. Tuvok, fire that torpedo now! That's an order!
Neelix: Perhaps this Talaxian laxative will help?

Chakotay, OS: No, no no! You're doing it all wrong, Seska! You're supposed to point the lightsaber away from you, not plunge it into your own chest!

 

[Drob]

Seska could play some guitar melting AC/DC!

 

[Admiral Shran]

Thanks for the win!

Black Guy in the background: I PITY THE FOOL!

Janeway: CONTINUITY ANYBODY?!?! I mean, I know we're not exactly great at it ourselves, but damn, that line is from Rocky III?! This A-Team Reunion Special sucks.

Paris: Well, what did you expect? I mean for crying out loud, they could only get one of the original cast to come back.

 

[Adm_Hawthorne]

Tuvok: I seem to have gone blind, Captain.
Janeway: Neelix, how many times do I have to tell you to stop serving leola root stew to crewmembers that are on duty? This is the third time this week this has happened.

Naomi: What do you mean Reba McEntire is really my mother?

Seska's new toy felt as good as the brochure claimed it would, but the light meant that being discreet was clearly out of the question.

Janeway: Tom, why are watching reruns of DS9?
Paris: I'm sorry, Captain. But, I couldn't find any TNG.

Kim: So, what do you think? I've been working on my makeup skills for weeks now.
Ballard: It's... nice, Harry. Really...

 

[SPCTRE]

The new auto-adjusting holographic vibrator designed by Lieutenant Paris was so effective it made Seska climax just holding it.

(The Doctor was not amused by this frivolous use of the Mobile Emitter.)

 

[Rat Boy]

Janeway: "Look, this faking blindness anytime Neelix wants you to try a new recipe is getting a little tired."

Tuvok: "Uh, what's that? I'm deaf now!"

Neelix: "How tragic, Mr. Vulcan!"

Janeway: "If don't kill this crew before we get home, it'll be a miracle."

Naomi: "Mother said I was conceived in love, is that true?"

Neelix: "Whoa, whoa, whoa! Who taught you that word?"

Naomi: "What word?"

Neelix: "'Love.' Ever since that bitch Kes ran out on me, I sure as hell never said it!"

The ambassador of the glowing hot gas people's greets the crew to his planet with his species' traditional boob grab.

 

[SPCTRE]

Neelix: "It's called phrenology and is widely accepted in many cultures."

Naomi: "Funny, in the Federation we call it pedophilia."

You know, somehow the way he's holding her head looks so very, very wrong now