Universal Truths

[kes7]

Loved this.

 

[Jonas Grumby]

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

That's probably not a bad idea. I suspect if the police were to check my computer post mortem (mine, not it's), their next move would be to contact Lucy Liu. "Has this guy been bothering you...because he had an awful lot of pictures of you on his hard drive!"

5. How are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

So I'm not the only one! Usually, I just sort of bunch them up with a rotating, paddlewheel-like motion of my forearms until I've got something small enough to stuff in the linen closet.

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

Well, writing in cursive is quicker and easier than printing. Now whether that enough to make up for the irritation of trying to write cursive quickly and legibly...

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

Just wait until you can't remember the last time you weren't at least kind of in pain. Old age ain't for sissies!

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

Usually during the morning drive in.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

If I'm absolutely sure I didn't make any changes, I just assume that Word is fucked and don't save. Unfortunately, I am fast approaching the age where I cannot be absolutely sure I didn't make any changes.

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.

Actually, in my case, it means "I bought this by accident" or "Somebody gave me this. I wonder if it will make a good cleaning rag."

19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay. (Or wine...or Margaritas!!)

Just as long as most of your kisses don't begin with a dollar slipped into a g-string...

20. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

My car is nineteen years old. I do, too.

21. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

So that's what it means when Tarzan kisses Jane and the camera pans down to Jane's hand and she drops the lily into the stream!

25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

I usually just make a declarative statement on a totally different subject. It's amazing how often and well this works!

27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

I'll wear a pair of pants for a week. Everything else is on a 24-hour limit.

28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?

It's a combination. You do (hopefully) get wiser as you get older. OTOH, it does seem as though they are teaching an awful lot of utter crap in schools these days.

29. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

But if you do it right, the adrenaline ruse immediately afterwards makes it all worthwhile.

30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

Cyclists just don't fit in. They're too fast for the sidewalk. They're too slow for the street. I'm afraid the only solution is to make a cyclist hitting a pedestrian a capital offense and a driver hitting a cyclist a misdemeanor.

31. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

I'll look down at my watch, and I never wear a watch.

32. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my behind everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

Yes, and that's still not fast enough.

 

[sbk1234]

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

I'm reading this at work, just running down the clock now. When I got here I nearly peed my pants.

 

[auntiehill]

28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?

Take it from someone who scores exams for a living:
YES. Yes, they do.

 

[Deranged Nasat]

28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?

Take it from someone who scores exams for a living:
YES. Yes, they do.

I think that's the education system failing, not people actually getting dumber...

 

[Yeoman Randi]

This list is hilarious! I particularly loved:

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

 

[Bisz]

During the last year the time of day I realize I'm not going to be productive at work is usually 2 minutes after I sit down at my desk.

 

[ShamelessMcBundy]

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

Why not do that yourself now and live a life that won't shame your family?

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

Doesn't matter. Losers admit their wrong. Never compromise.



Sucks getting old.



I'd recommend comic sans.



Fittingly.



Yes, so you can sign your name.



You are not most people.



What part of "lengthy illness" don't you get?



Sucks getting old.



Tell that to the cops and the judge.



For me it's about one minute after I arrive.



You'll be the old crank without the holo-movie player.

.

That means they are watching you.



Why even own the damn thing?



I hate it when the phone rings at all.



Good thing that never happens, huh?



Damn skippy.



It hurts the gnomes' eyes.



What about *censored*? As Family Guy put it "Diamonds, because you'll pretty much have to."



THAT'S RACIST.



What?



I'd rather never shop for groceries.



Texting and driving is not advisable.



I have a similar problem with payback and spite.



What?



I love when the suckers let me in.



You must be a white collar worker.



If you live in the USA, then, yes, they do.



You've led a charmed life.



That's damn skippy.

31. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

Watches aren't supposed to be functional.

32. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my behind everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

You snooze; you lose.

Do you not have a sense of humor?

 

[FicWriter]

Fire is hot. Water is wet. *shrug*

Oh, & don't forget to stop bothering stockpeople because you're too lazy to find a product or a pricetag by yourself even in the smallest market; or, because you didn't bother to remember to wear your bifocals, Ancient Ones. *flips you all off*