I'm pretty sure I've seen worse movies during my twenty four years on this planet. And yes, I know I've seen dumber. What makes Transformers so unbearable is the fact that it's bad, it's dumb, and it is really long. Boring, too.
I don't recall exactly what I gave the first film, but I believe it was one and a half to two stars. A bad movie with some redeeming values. Terrible, yes, not just because of it's poorly written script and childish sense of humor, but because very time they give you something to latch on to, and like, they kill that shred of hope almost immediately. Tranformers: Revenge of the Fallen starts out that way, but we soon learn that it's everything the first one is, but worse. We have one great battle sequence, Optimus Prime fighting several enemies until his alleged death. This sequence is ruined, because often times we don't see the fight, but Shia LaBeauf's Sam Witwicky running from the fight.
As far as the idiotic sense of humor, we get to see gods humping eachother. Twice. And if that's not enough, a tiny Decepticon (or, for the less nerdy, Bad-Guy-Bot) humps Megan Fox's leg. Is this what you really want? Is this what passes as humor to the braindead fanboy audience? Did you at one point think "Hey, Michael Bay, knock it off, we are smarter than this" ? No, probably not. After all, you came to see Giant Robots.
The movie is called "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen." I'll give you a more accurate title. "Sam Witwicky." The Transformers themselves are one dimensional. You have the wise cracking twins, created by a man who thinks robots talking black slang is funny, despite the fact that nothing they say if funny, or relevant, and is in fact very irritating. You have Bumblebee, who starts out as the most human but becomes "Just a robot" by the end. And then, we have Optimus, who sits it out for most of the film. Just like in the first film, the Transformers themselves are treated by the characters and by the filmmakers as giant robots, despite being super powered and super intelligent beings that have evolved beyond our wildest dreams.
At any rate, the story makes for some great B-Grade camp. Giant robots from other space need to harvest our sun for energy, using a device they hid here during ancient times. This movie, however, is played straight. All the laughs are supposed to come from action movie lines that are so terrible they'd make Joel Schumacker cringe. Yes, Arnold's Mr. Freeze was a lot more on the mark than any of the Autobots (or, for the not so nerdy, Good-Guy-bots).
So, what makes this movie so terrible,so unwatchable? Well, it's just plain bad. The characters lack any personality. Sam Witwicky goes to the point of monologing about how he's an average kid.Yeah, with a giant robot car, a super sexy girlfriend, a big ass house, parents who buy him a car for his High School graduation. No, you aren't average. Even without your Extra Terrestrial aquantainces you are far from normal.
His Girlfriend is mere eye candy. Typical action movie girl. Strong and independent, except when she needs to be saved. She serves no purpose, other than eye candy for the teenage male audience. She lacked personality in the first film, and now they've stolen what little she had. She spends most of her time complaining about how Sam won't say 'I love you.' For Christ's sake, you are being chased by giant robots. You have more important things to worry about.
Sam's new college roommate is a conspiracy theorist who believes the Transformers are real. Because, you know, they were able to cover up a giant robot battle in Los Angeles. They were able to cover up a giant robot Battle in Shanghai (one of the high points of the film but low points in Action movie shtick). Clearly, the government can cover this up. His friends talk in geek speak and act like they come right out of the punchline to a really bad joke. Then, of course, since this is college, we have to have that really elaborate college party that doesn't actually happen.
Is that nitpicking? No, it's me distracting myself. From what, you ask? The real problem with this movie. The real problem is the movie is absolutely, undeniably idiotic. We have a decepticon with a human body, that still has a human tongue when it transforms. We have Gold Toothed ebonics speaking robots that can't read. We have endless scenes of shooting into the desert, driving, and dialog that serves no purpose other than to remind us that yes, there is talking in this film. Every ten minutes, they recap the plot (which is just as well, I'm sure people fell asleep during this collasal turd of a movie). And, of course, Shia LaBeauf dies and goes to Robot heaven. Just let that least one sink in for a little bit.
The second the movie brought us to Robot heaven, I started thinking that maybe the dogs humping eachother so idiot teens can giggle like morons might have been the intellectual high point of the film.
0 out of ****
I don't recall exactly what I gave the first film, but I believe it was one and a half to two stars. A bad movie with some redeeming values. Terrible, yes, not just because of it's poorly written script and childish sense of humor, but because very time they give you something to latch on to, and like, they kill that shred of hope almost immediately. Tranformers: Revenge of the Fallen starts out that way, but we soon learn that it's everything the first one is, but worse. We have one great battle sequence, Optimus Prime fighting several enemies until his alleged death. This sequence is ruined, because often times we don't see the fight, but Shia LaBeauf's Sam Witwicky running from the fight.
As far as the idiotic sense of humor, we get to see gods humping eachother. Twice. And if that's not enough, a tiny Decepticon (or, for the less nerdy, Bad-Guy-Bot) humps Megan Fox's leg. Is this what you really want? Is this what passes as humor to the braindead fanboy audience? Did you at one point think "Hey, Michael Bay, knock it off, we are smarter than this" ? No, probably not. After all, you came to see Giant Robots.
The movie is called "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen." I'll give you a more accurate title. "Sam Witwicky." The Transformers themselves are one dimensional. You have the wise cracking twins, created by a man who thinks robots talking black slang is funny, despite the fact that nothing they say if funny, or relevant, and is in fact very irritating. You have Bumblebee, who starts out as the most human but becomes "Just a robot" by the end. And then, we have Optimus, who sits it out for most of the film. Just like in the first film, the Transformers themselves are treated by the characters and by the filmmakers as giant robots, despite being super powered and super intelligent beings that have evolved beyond our wildest dreams.
At any rate, the story makes for some great B-Grade camp. Giant robots from other space need to harvest our sun for energy, using a device they hid here during ancient times. This movie, however, is played straight. All the laughs are supposed to come from action movie lines that are so terrible they'd make Joel Schumacker cringe. Yes, Arnold's Mr. Freeze was a lot more on the mark than any of the Autobots (or, for the not so nerdy, Good-Guy-bots).
So, what makes this movie so terrible,so unwatchable? Well, it's just plain bad. The characters lack any personality. Sam Witwicky goes to the point of monologing about how he's an average kid.Yeah, with a giant robot car, a super sexy girlfriend, a big ass house, parents who buy him a car for his High School graduation. No, you aren't average. Even without your Extra Terrestrial aquantainces you are far from normal.
His Girlfriend is mere eye candy. Typical action movie girl. Strong and independent, except when she needs to be saved. She serves no purpose, other than eye candy for the teenage male audience. She lacked personality in the first film, and now they've stolen what little she had. She spends most of her time complaining about how Sam won't say 'I love you.' For Christ's sake, you are being chased by giant robots. You have more important things to worry about.
Sam's new college roommate is a conspiracy theorist who believes the Transformers are real. Because, you know, they were able to cover up a giant robot battle in Los Angeles. They were able to cover up a giant robot Battle in Shanghai (one of the high points of the film but low points in Action movie shtick). Clearly, the government can cover this up. His friends talk in geek speak and act like they come right out of the punchline to a really bad joke. Then, of course, since this is college, we have to have that really elaborate college party that doesn't actually happen.
Is that nitpicking? No, it's me distracting myself. From what, you ask? The real problem with this movie. The real problem is the movie is absolutely, undeniably idiotic. We have a decepticon with a human body, that still has a human tongue when it transforms. We have Gold Toothed ebonics speaking robots that can't read. We have endless scenes of shooting into the desert, driving, and dialog that serves no purpose other than to remind us that yes, there is talking in this film. Every ten minutes, they recap the plot (which is just as well, I'm sure people fell asleep during this collasal turd of a movie). And, of course, Shia LaBeauf dies and goes to Robot heaven. Just let that least one sink in for a little bit.
The second the movie brought us to Robot heaven, I started thinking that maybe the dogs humping eachother so idiot teens can giggle like morons might have been the intellectual high point of the film.
0 out of ****
That's something only a 12 year old finds logical.
