TOS Caption Contest Scrimage #1

[Captain Crow]

McCoy: Damn it Jim, somebody has been jerking off in my moonshine!

 

[Shatmandu]

McCoy: "Beats me. <shrugs> It fell out of your pantleg."

 

[Rat Boy]

Kirk (thinking): This is usually the part where she turns back into Sulu.

Kirk: "Apparently people from your planet who are white on the left side don't know shit about tech support."

 

[Shatmandu]

Uhura: "I wonder how half his dick is huge and the other not, Captain."

 

[Rat Boy]

Kirk: "Spo...what the hell?"

 

[cooleddie74]

KIRK:"How did you know it was my cock's birthday? You're too kind!"

 

[cooleddie74]

UHURA:"Avoid the men's room on Deck 3 for a while, sir.

Their skin isn't the only thing that's half-white and half-black."

 

[Shatmandu]

Kirk: "You look like you've had more spins than the Declaration-class USS Enterprise circa 2130."

 

[Shatmandu]

Uhura: "He just stole his own wallet, Captain."

 

[cooleddie74]

UHURA:"Apparently, sir...their species considers ballhugger tights to be the peak of fashion evolution and technology."

KIRK:"We have so much to learn from their bathhouses, Lieutenant."

 

[cooleddie74]

MARLENA:"Care to inspect me for Cardassian voles?"

 

[Shatmandu]

Chekov: "I have the strangest feeling someone is pointing at me ..."

Marlena: "Busy day. I've been used more than a public toilet. Ready to watch the video?"

 

[cooleddie74]

LOKAI:"You can turn away from me, sweetie...but you can't hide your face from our bichromal, forbidden LOVE!!!!"

MARLENA:"I'd let it air out for an hour or so, dear.

I may look like a blossoming flower...but I drop a deuce like a herd of targs."

 

[Shatmandu]

Scotty, behind her: "So, lass, the Captain Kirk of this universe is a limp-dick asswipe gasbag too, eh?"
<Marlena clears throat, glances back.>

 

[cooleddie74]

MARLENA:"Oh...this number?

Just a little something I found hanging in a window."

 

[Shatmandu]

Bele: "I didn't want to have to do this, but you've left me no choice ... Computer, show us record tape niner-one-niner, titled Kirk and Spock Play 'Spelunk my Jefferies Tube.'"

Marlena: "Oiling my traps, Darling."
Kirk, after a pause: "Um, you mean your vagina, right?"
Marlena, rolling eyes, getting down on all fours, shaking head sadly: "Lets get this over with ..."

 

[cooleddie74]

SPOCK:"Did...

Did Commissioner Bele just try to DRY HUMP my viewer?!"

 

[Shatmandu]

McCoy: "Apparently, you can fuck the snot out of a nurse."

 

[Zachary Smith]

BELE: Riddle me THIS, Captain--WHAT is black AND white and red all over?

KIRK: Errr , , , Lt Uhura, after we--

SPOCK (interrupting): Captain, the answer is clearly "Lokai in a blender".

LOKAI: It COULD be "Bele in a blender", you know! Going . . . backwards or . . . reversed or . . . something . . .

KIRK: No, I'm SURE it was Lt Uhura after we--

UHURA: (thinking) I should WASTE this peckerwood mofo right here . . .

BELE: I'm SORRY I asked!!

CHEKOV: Keptin, Commadore Schmidlapp is calling again on Channel "B".

 

[Ryan Thomas Riddle]

Kirk: I was actually hoping for the Captain's Vulcan, but you'll do.