TOS Caption Contest #82 - Mod's Choice

[Michael]

Spock: "Soooooooooo, do forum rules allow for Vulcan/Romulan handjobs?"

Please don't kill me.

Nice to have known you, Rat Boy. .

 

[T'Bonz]

*grrr!*

Is there ANYTHING that doesn't get turned into a sexual thing in here?

No?

Oh...carry on then.

 

[Outpost4]

Spock: "Soooooooooo, do forum rules allow for Vulcan/Romulan handjobs?"

Romulan Commander: "You'll have to put me down if you expect me to use both hands."

 

[Bad Atom]

Kirk (thinking): "What a time to be without my trusty penis rock!"

 

[The Cutest of Borg]

Woohoo! My first win in the TOS forum.

Kirk: "Helen dear, I hope you're nice and wet. It looks like the cameraman smeared all my Vaseline on the lens."

 

[Rat Boy]

*grrr!*

Is there ANYTHING that doesn't get turned into a sexual thing in here?

No?

Oh...carry on then.

Phew. Here I was thinking I'd have to make Chief T'Bonz the lead transporter operator on the Venture as compensation. Not that I wouldn't, mind you; I already have an homage character to Shatmandu and Carl Spock working as relief tactical.

T'Bonz: "Hark, I see Rat Boy running up to us in a panic."

 

[Mallory]

LOL! Oooh, nice!

Please Bonz, not in front of the humans.

 

[MANT!]

Spock "Ms. TBonz don't forget, the safe word tonight is 'banana'."

 

[Cyrus]

[

Kirk: Spock, are you finally done? Can I have her now?

Spock: Quite so, Captain. Where is yeoman London?

Kirk: She is waiting for you back there.

 

[Outpost4]

Spock: All the world knows about Vaal.
Kirk: So that's what you call it.

Mallory: Fuck the temporal prime directive, sir.

 

[Vassa]

Starfleet Academy Landing party tip #28: Rocks aren't the only things that come in many different shapes and colors.

 

[The Squire of Gothos]

Mallory: Sorry sir, Mr Spock's pen ran dry. I'll sign the life insurance back on the ship.

 

[Outpost4]

Noel: You'll protect my reputation, won't you, Captain?
Kirk: Of course, Helen. You don't think I'd let four redshirts die useless deaths, do you?

 

[Shatmandu]

Kirk: "Mallory, patrol the perimeter."
<Mallory hesitates.>
Spock: "Mr. Mallory, your chances of returning alive are thirteen-point-one-seven percent."

Spock: "Captain, we were endeavoring to instruct the natives on the many styles of sexual intercourse."
Kirk: "Carry on."
Spock: "I will use one of the various rocks on the ground to rest her head ..."

 

[Shatmandu]

Spock "Ms. TBonz don't forget, the safe word tonight is 'banana'."

Spock: "Using 'Punch Me' didn't work out too well last time."

Helen Noel's panties gained enough screen time in this episode to warrant a SAG card, an end-title credit, and a series option.

 

[Jackson_Roykirk]

Kirk: No, Mallory -- 'the blonde' was not one of the choices...Once more: pick either 'lightning' or 'explosive rock'.

 

[Shatmandu]

Blonde Chippy: "If Mallory dies, I guess I'll have to mess with this Russian asswipe ..."

 

[The Squire of Gothos]

Kirk: Helen, you're leaving me for an ensign?
Mallory: She is Captain, we love each other. Now we're walking off, don't get in our way.
Kirk: Fine, why don't take that path...
Spock: 39 degrees to your left Captain.
Kirk: ...over there.

Mallory: Helen, we'll build a house together and have kids and puppies and <BOOM>
Kirk: Love, haw.

 

[Triskelion]

Mallory: Money I name, size you name, otherwise exploding horta turd no.
Kirk: I'm not falling for that again. Move out, mister.

 

[The Squire of Gothos]

Kirk: No, Mallory -- 'the blonde' was not one of the choices...Once more: pick either 'lightning' or 'explosive rock'.

That's the cruellest caption yet!