TOS Caption Contest #296: Captain's Yeoman

[Mojochi]

Kirk: You may now kiss the bride... and I'd recommend hurrying, before we get to the captain's privilege part

Spock: Nooobody knows... the Tribble I see

Kirk: How dare you Yeoman for someone else!

Kirk: No! I meant how about a little actual sugar? This stuff tastes terrible

Kirk: Maybe a little easier on the back rub next time, Yeoman

 

[Ithekro]

Kirk: Dearly beloved. We are here to pay our last respect to the late Yeoman Janice Rand.

Rand: I am right here, Captain.

Kirk: Who died so that we all might live.

Rand: Right here.

Kirk: She died like many in Starfleet. Wearing red. In fact that is starting to bother me. If I get a promotion to Chief of Starfleet Operations, I am going to remove red as a uniform color. And if that doesn't work. And more people like poor Janice die.

Rand: Still here, Captain.

Kirk: Then it will be red uniforms for everyone. If some must be cursed, we shall all share in that curse. For Rand!

Crew: For Rand!

Rand: ~sigh.

Uhura: Janice. Spock had been cold to me of late. He doesn't even get moderately almost emotional like he did when we came onboard the Enterprise.

Rand: I hear the new nurse say she wanted him to look at her.

Uhura: Chapel!

Spock (thinking): Oh, T'Pring, how I miss you and your logic.

McCoy: Its time, Jim.

Kirk: I know, Bones. I just don't want to leave.

Rand: We are all going to miss the ship, sir.

Kirk: The ship, my chair. This thermos. That ashtray....

Kirk: Signal the Klingons. We will withdraw. The Tribbles will be at their mercy.

Uhura: Captain!?

Kirk: The Tribbles attacked me when I tried to negotiate for the Klingons. There were millions of them. They signed their own death warrents. Let the Klingons have them.

Kirk: You look different, Uhura. New hair style?

 

[Nerys Myk]

KIRK: Stop staring! You should see the other guy!

MCCOY: The "other guy" was a 10 year old girl who kicked your ass.

KIRK: Well...she was big for her age!!!

 

[tharpdevenport]

McCoy: "Jim... there is no evil unknown force controlling your body against your own will, is there? You just ripped your shirt open to impress the ensign, didn't you?"

 

[Nerys Myk]

KIRK: You look familiar. Were you ever in Starfleet?

 

[Rat Boy]

Kirk: "Up next, folks, we have Janice modeling this year's latest model of beehive."

 

[Jonas Grumby]

KIRK: We are gather her to join Angela and Robert...

RAND: Robert is the best man. Angela is marrying the tribble on her head

Angela: "You're making cracks about what's on my head? That's rich!"

 

[Hutchy01]

KIRK: We are gather her to join Angela and Robert...

RAND: Robert is the best man. Angela is marrying the tribble on her head

Angela: "You're making cracks about what's on my head? That's rich!"

Robert: I'm the only one with a normal head!

 

[joededman]

KIRK: We are gather her to join Angela and Robert...

RAND: Robert is the best man. Angela is marrying the tribble on her head

Robert: Yes. Apparently the Tribble is a better man that I will ever be.

 

[Rat Boy]

McCoy: "Playing 'Game of War' again?"

Rand: "And blowing through the ship's credit supply again?"

Kirk: "Hey, Kate Upton's very persuasive!"

 

[Maurice]

BONES: Am I interrupting something?
RAND: He keeps muttering about some "beach to walk on".
BONES: Um, er, well, it's sort of an allusion to, um, well...
KIRK: Hey, Bones, is Helen Noel still aboard?
BONES: Never mind, Yeoman.

 

[Rat Boy]

Spock (thinking): I find it highly illogical that everyone has such a financial hardship that they cannot put a miniscule amount of credits in my harp case.

 

[Gil T.Azell]

Rand: "Play Eruption".
Uhura "Yeah Eruption"
McCoy: "Needs more cowbell"

 

[Nerys Myk]

UHURA: He said he doesn't know "The Devil Went Down To Georgia"

RAND: Eh, it was worth a shot.

 

[Triskelion]

Uhura: Captain, Starfleet called. They said the Gorn has filed a sexual harassment suit against you.
Bones: Care to talk about it, Jim?
Kirk: Harassment? We were fighting to the death!
Uhura: Mm-hmm. Been there. Did he try to use logic to get your bra off, too?

Kirk: Could I get a side of yellow cubes, please?
Rand: Yellow pubes?
Kirk: Cubes. Yellow cubes.
Rand: Oh, because that other thing...
Kirk: No other thing, just some yellow cubes, please.
Rand: I'm not even a natural blonde, if you must know.
Kirk: That's fine, just bring me one order of yellow cubes, please.
Rand: Sliced, diced or julienned?
Kirk: I believe it's just "Julienne." No "d's' on French-Latin-root adjectives masquerading as Queen's English participles.
Rand: ....?
Kirk: Julienned. One order of yellow cubes, please. Julienned.
Rand: Julianne's pubes? She quit.
Kirk: I'm sorry to hear that.
Rand: Too many lechers trying to get at her pubes.
Kirk: More's the pity.
Rand: So what'll it be?
Kirk: One order of diced yellow cubes, please.
Rand: We've got diced blue cubes.
Kirk: No yellow cubes?
Rand: We could give you a blue cube-yellow cube medley?
Kirk: Could you bring the medley but pick out the blue cubes?
Rand: Wouldn't you just prefer a green purée?
Kirk: No. I would prefer my original order.
Rand: One side of yellow pubes, coming up.
Kirk: Not pubes - cubes. Yellow cubes. One order of diced yellow cubes, please. With all due post haste, if it's not too much trouble. Yellow cubes.
Rand: Yellow cubes? Why didn't you just say so?
Kirk: I....don't know.
Rand: We're all out of yellow cubes.
Bones: I told you last time to leave a tip!

 

[Triskelion]

Blonde: Hey look, gang! Chekov's got a Vulcan lyre!
Gang: Oooooh!
Spock: The f!@#$?!

 

[Nerys Myk]

SPOCK:

♪♫ When I was young, it seemed that life was so wonderful,
A miracle, oh it was beautiful, magical.
And all the birds in the trees, well they'd be singing so happily,
Joyfully, playfully watching me.
But then they send me away to teach me how to be sensible,
Logical, responsible, practical.
And they showed me a world where I could be so dependable,
Clinical, intellectual, cynical.

There are times when all the world's asleep,
The questions run too deep
For such a simple man.
Won't you please, please tell me what we've learned
I know it sounds absurd
But please tell me who I am.

Now watch what you say or they'll be calling you a radical,
Liberal, fanatical, criminal.
Won't you sign up your name, we'd like to feel you're
Acceptable, respectable, presentable, a vegetable!

At night, when all the world's asleep,
The questions run so deep
For such a simple man.
Won't you please, please tell me what we've learned
I know it sounds absurd
But please tell me who I am.♪♬​

UHURA: Sounds like someone is working through his issues.

 

[MANT!]

Dammit Jim, Give it a rest! I'm damn near out of antibiotics,now Janice tells me your spreading that crap with the crew.... Starfleet gave me enough for a 5 year mission and we've gone through half in the first year..

 

[Jonas Grumby]

McCoy: "Ah, I see. My apologies for not taking your concerns seriously at first, Yeoman. When you complained the captain was loitering around your quarters, I thought you meant in the nearby hallways. I didn't realize he was loitering around in your quarters."

 

[Nerys Myk]

SPOCK: I'm strictly a solo performer, dude.