CHEKOV: Aaaah, Tetris, what a great Russian invention!
MCCOY (OS): This Madame Tussauds Museum must be ruled by a green-blooded hobgoblin.
TOS Caption Contest #280: The Ultimate Caption
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CHEKOV: Aaaah, Tetris, what a great Russian invention!
MCCOY (OS): This Madame Tussauds Museum must be ruled by a green-blooded hobgoblin.
Sulu: It's a temporal anomaly leading to an alternative timeline.
Kirk: The one where my girlfriend lives but Hitler wins?
Sulu: No.
Kirk: The one there are no humpback whales to communicate with an ancient alien space probe?
Sulu: No.
Kirk: The one where aliens suck on the brains of San Franciscans around the turn-of-the-century?
Sulu: No.
Kirk: The one where Worf gets knocked on the head and loses the Bat'leth competition?
Sulu: No.
Kirk: The one where Cochrane's warp ship is destroyed by cybernetic organisms from the Delta Quadrant?
Sulu: No.
Kirk: The one where Archer fails to stop Earth from being destroyed by something that looks like a spinning Death Star?
Sulu: No.
Kirk: Then which one?
Sulu: The one where you don't wear a girdle and Spock, not you, makes out with Uhura.
Wesley: I swear I'll destroy my own ship rather than let this virus get loose! It's making all my crewmen do the Hokey Pokey!
"Hi there, I'm Bob Wesley for the Federation Express Card. Don't leave the bridge without it!"
Wesley: "'How do I like my new ship', Jim? I can't find the liquor cabinet in my quarters! Where is it in your cabin?"
BONES: Jim, would you mind if I begin to give some treatments to the two kids in charge of piloting this ship?
KIRK: Treatments? They're sicks?
BONES: No, BUT I'M GETTING SICK OF HEARING THEIR VOICES! Nasonex for Lieutenant Stuffy-Nose and Tennessee whiskey for Ensign Russian-Falsetto!
SPOCK: Illogical, they will not stay long enough on this ship to allow us to see some results.
KIRK: Yeah, they never realised they have VIP access to hidden cameras, I doubt they're promised to long careers on the Enterprise.
Kelley: ... and that's what syphilis will do to you.
Shatner: So, kids, take it from Captain Kirk: practice safe sex.
Nimoy (thinking): I need to fire my agent.
Sulu: "Rigel Left". Wait a minute, where'd it go?!
Chekov: Found it sir! According to this deck plan, our only bathroom is on Deck 18!
Wesley: Jim, we're starting to sober up over here! I need you to beam over 100 more litres of Mr. Scott's moonshine, pronto!
Kirk: I believe that wraps up this mission to every last detail.
McCoy: What about the security team you left on the planet before we warped away?
Kirk: ... except for that one.
Chekov (thinking): Vhat do they mean, I never make keptin?!
Crazy Bob: So come to Crazy Bob's for all your used spaceship needs! With prices this low, you'll think I looked directly at a Medusan!!
McCoy: What's wrong, Jim?
Chekov: Found it sir! According to this deck plan, our only bathroom is on Deck 18!
Kirk: I know that one. It's a ladies' room.
Sulu: Sir, someone's peeing out the airlock!
Kirk: Must be from Engineering. At least someone's thinking creatively. Bones, you'd better stand by with a frostbite kit.
McCoy: I hate ridding in a turbolift with Spock on Plomeek soup day.
[Kirk, stiff as a board, falls over]
Spock: "Fascinating. With this remote control, I can manipulate this android of the Captain to operate a life-sized ventriloquist dummy of Doctor McCoy. Observe."
McCoy dummy: "Bite me, Chekov."
SPOCK: The mission is over. I believe it's time for you or McCoy to make a thinly veiled racist joke at my expense.
McCoy: Certainly a computer, like you, knows that you get to go first every third mission. Or are your ears interfering with your arithmetic?
Wesley: Jim, our power reserves are dead, and life support is failing! I need you to transport over as much Jim Beam as you can spare!
Kirk (O/S): Wouldn't some antimatter be more helpful, Bob?
Wesley: No! Why do you think she's called Lexington, Jim? She runs on pure Kentucky bourbon!
Wesley (in pain): "Got to...warn Kirk! Bourbon and beans! Explosive combination! Arghhh..."
As a native of that fair city, I approve this message.
Wesley: Jim, our power reserves are dead, and life support is failing! I need you to transport over as much Jim Beam as you can spare!
Kirk (O/S): Wouldn't some antimatter be more helpful, Bob?
Wesley: No! Why do you think she's called Lexington, Jim? She runs on pure Kentucky bourbon!
For the world is hollow and I have touched the stuff.
Kirk, offscreen: Shut up, Wesley!
Commodore Wesley: "Hell Jim, you'd probably have better luck with a Betazed WOMAN at the helm !!!"
Commodore Wesley: "Dammit Jim! you guys totally side-swipped my port nacelle! Twenty-Third century political correctness aside, those Asian drivers are ALWAYS the same!"
Commodore Wesley:
I'll take PC over race jokes any day.
"So a Klingon, a Romulan and a Cardassian, all walk into a bar.
The Human bartender says, "You two fine gentlemen can drink for free, if you both first kill that piece scum."
The Klingon, Romulan and Cardassian all disintegrate each other.
The Human bartender smiles and goes back to her crossword puzzle."
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KIRK: I assure you Mr Sulu we buried jokes about Asian drivers along with our other racial stereotypes a long time ago.
Sulu: Thank you Captain, I'll just take another go at the space dock door.
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