TOS Caption Contest #216: What's Wrong With This Picture?
- Thread starter Rat Boy
- Start date
As the ominous squeaking sound cuts across the bridge, Sulu freezes. It's back. The ghost of Gary Mitchell is back. If I turn around, the chair will be facing me, won't it? Oh God...
Guy on Left: "Guns don't kill people. People kill people".
Kirk: "Or turn them into dehydrated polygons, or remove their faces, or drain all the salt from their body using their fingers, or put them on these weird spinning machines that turn them into androids".
Guy on Left: ...... ..... ....
Kirk: "I'm not from around here".
Guy on Left: ...... ..... ....
"Preacher": "Yea, for the consequences of debauchery, drink and drugs are to be witnessed here. Behold, children, the result of excess and sin. Exhibit A, Montgomery Scott, observe and learn, children. No unmarried women or children, please..."
Kirk: Good news, Scotty. I just got off subspace with the Argelian government. At Prefect Jaris's urgings, which thankfully he made before he got too wasted, they've bought the idea that Mister Hengist was the killer!
Scott: I told ya it wuld werk, captan. Slip the right mickey into the food synthesizers, 'n' anybody would even believe my grandmother had wheels. 'n' now that iss really kickin' in, Jaris thinks he's Gandhi, and Hengist here wouldn't even feel a phaser blast!
Tankris <laughing hysterically>: Who the hell is Gandhi, love nuts?
Scott: 'n' as fer Yeoman Tankris...
Kirk: Ahem, which reminds me, how long before all this wears off?
Spock: Four hours, 59 minutes, 22 seconds, captain.
Kirk: Good, we still have plenty of time. To make it sound convincing, I told the Argelians that we had to kill Mister Hengist. The only trouble is, how do we avoid an autopsy?
Scott: Tha's no problem, ser! If yah beam him intah space at maximum dispersion, they won't find even one whole molecule ta look at.
Spock: I believe that should work, captain.
Kirk: OK, we'll do it. But, Mister Scott, this is the last time we cover for your impulses. If you weren't the best engineer in Starfleet.... From now on, the only impulses you'll be concerned about are from the Enterprise's main sublight drive! Is that understood?
Scott: Yessir!
Kirk: Good. Now help me get Mister Hengist to the transporter room.
Scott <dreamy>: Yeoman Tankris sure is a bonnie lass.
Kirk: Scotty!
Scott: Oh, um, yessir! Sorry, sir! Aye, to the transporter room!
Fade in, teaser.
Sulu <voice over>: Third officer's log, stardate 2819.8. I am standing watch alone while the crew attends the performance of Hamlet by the Karidian Players. Captain Kirk didn't touch his coffee, but it is getting cold. I think I'll sneak a sip. MMMM. I knew it! The captain really does have a better brew than everyone else. Well, I plan to be captain, someday!
Sulu stands in sudden alarm.
Sulu <voice over continues>: What's this? Poison! I should have expected murder mystery with ancient theater players on board!
Sulu <aloud now, and gasping>: Oh, Great Bird of the Galaxy, if I somehow survive this, I swear I'll never touch the captain's coffee cup again.
He collapses to his knees.
Sulu <still gasping, weaker>: At least not until I'm captain.
He sinks to the floor.
Sulu <losing consciousness>: And I'll switch to tea....
Fade out, teaser.
That's right, usually I do play "Star Trek" by myself. But mom says I should start fitting in. May I play "Cowboys and Indians" with you guys?
Sulu: "Ahh..ahh..ahh...ch--. Nope, it melted."
Kirk: "That's the third time. Will you f**king sneeze already?"
Scotty (shitfaced): "Och, pull me foot, Spock."
FRRTTTT! Hengist passes out, Yeoman Hottie gets woozy, while Jarvis prays for rapid dissipation.
Kirk (coughs): "Jesus, Scotty. Pull your foot?"
Scotty: "Aye. Last time I tried pull me finger, the bloody Gorn ripped it off."
And that solved the mystery of Scotty's Missing Finger.
Kirk: "Did you say...horses? In the back? Can I ride one?"
Eearp: "No, I said whores, but yes, you can ride one."
And The Equestrian Obsession Adventure Begins...
Kirk: I've got grit ... true grit.
Number Two: As you can see Doctor Evil, this new Starbucks blend will prevent any Space Vessels from following you to your new moon base.
Scott: But why just paralyze the crews, why not just kill the-
Doctor Evil: Zip.
Scott: It's much sim-
Doctor Evil: Zip it.
Sulu realised that with the rest of the crew dead, finally he would be Captain.
Kirk: I've got grit ... true grit.
Earp: "And from the way you're walking, I'd say its in your pants."
Sulu: "Somebody ate all of the gumdrops! How do I tell which button does what?!?"
