TOS Caption Contest #178: The Big Cheese

[T'Boggan]

Kirk." Pardon me! Fur gives me wind "

Commodore " I had both nipples bitten of by a Vulcan in '34. had em replaced with Self Sealing Stem Bolts...go ahead, give em a flick Kirk"

Sulu: "I hid the secret plans up my ass sir , you can just reach in an pick em up"

Kirk: "What ...my whole hand?"

Scotty " Dont do it Surrr....theyre in his pocket"

 

[Rat Boy]

Kirk: "Dude, I think my hand's growing."

Scotty: "Borgas frat! He's got into Carl Spock's secret stash again!"

 

[Diesel Micky Dolenz]

Lenore (whispers): "Captain, I'm wearing crotchless panties!"

Kirk (whispers): "So am I!"

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Kirk: "You look very enticing with that fur around your shoulders."
Lenore: "You should see me with it around my ankles."

 

[Tribble]

Sulu: Did you know that masturbation causes hair to grow on the palm of your hand?

Kirk looks at his palm in panic.

Scotty (thinking): Jeez, I can't believe he falls for that!

Kirk: Did you know that masturbation causes hair to grow on the palm of your hand? That why you are wearing gloves?

Girl: No, I just like gloves. But to you really think this is a fur dress?

Wesley: This Vulcan is saying that masturbation is not causing hair to grow on one's palm! Nonsense!

Kirk: Spock's right. Look at my palm for example: not a single hair! See? And if anyone would have hair on his hands, it would be me, believe me!

 

[ItsGreen]

Commodore, I know how painful it can be. Just trowl in this medication
like McCoy did with the Horta, you remember don't you, that should reduce
the discharge, itching and burning! Your past identity as always will
remain a secret between us.

 

[LeadHead]

Kirk: What's your mission here?

Wesley: Looking for a new First Officer.

Spock: I am honored Commodore, but-

Wesley: But nothing! The ship will need a new Captain once Kirk and I head back to The Lexington.

Kirk: Huh?

 

[T'Girl]

Captains Log, The USS Essex was mysteriously damaged and somehow the Enterprise was in range to take the contestants for the Ms. Universe Pageant to their destination.

... meanwhile, four of the Enterprise's photon torpedoes remain unaccounted for.

Kirk: "Bob, what's that metal thing on the right side of your face?"

Wesley: "Popped out right after I was assimilated by the Borg, got one where my left nipple use to be too.

Spock: "Fascinating"

Wesley: "Oh, and resistance is futile."

Bimbo #47: "Why is the front of your shirt all wet?"

Kirk continues to drool on himself.

 

[Captain Crow]

Kirk: When I was a boy and worked on my uncle's farm I remember that I had to inseminate his prised cow Bessie. I had to stick my arm way up in there.

Sulu: I know a place in San Francisco were you can get that done for twenty bucks. The guy does require you bring your own lube though.

Kirk: I just got my tests back from the ship's VD clinic and they all my came back negative. Wanna do it?

 

[Isis]

Kirk: "Oh, Karidian. For a second I thought I heard Kardashian and was wondering how I'd keep up."

 

[Captain Crow]

Takei: Just because you block you view of me with your hand doesn't mean I dissapear you buffoon!

Shatner: It used to work when I was a baby.

Scotty, thinking to self: How come Sulu never asked me to shove my hand up his butt like that when we were together.

Kirk: I LIKE MITTENS!

Kirk: You've got a pretty mouth.

Spock: Captian, the stripper in the Commadore uniform you hired has arrived.

Stripper, very deep female voice: Hi. I'm Bertha.

[Bertha turns and spits. Comedy spitoon sound effect]

Kirk: You gotta be fucking kidding me! I want a refund.

Spock: I agree. You should have your payment returned to you. She looks like John Wayne.

Kirk: No, I can handle that. She could look like Abe Vigoda for all I care. [gesture to her chest] I want my money back 'cause she ain't got no tits! I payed for a stripper with 36DDDs and damn it I want one with 36DDDs!

 

[DrBob]

Kirk: "Analysis of the substance on my hand Mr Scott?"
Scotty: "Computer banks recognise it as a highly refractive micro polymer with electro static properties, sir."
Chekov: "Eets called glitter keptin, Sulu vas out clubbing last night."

Kirk: "Nice dress"
Lenore: "Oh this isn't a dress" <takes remington out of purse>

Commodore: "Are you the genius who insisted on all our science station ergonomics?"
Spock: "Why yes"
Commodore <punches him in the neck>