TOS Caption Contest #141: Pox Marks the Spot

[Shatmandu]

Scotty: "He still looking for magic mushrooms?"
<all nod>
Scotty, to screen: "Go kill the fookin' lizard, you dick, so we can get outta here."

 

[Captain Crow]

Van Gelder: You two clowns do know that waterboarding is torture!

McCoy and Spock in unison: SHUT UP!

McCoy: That dumbass broke the foam rock.

Coot: Cup-a-soup? But it's meatloaf night!

Spock: We didn't have enough stray cats and dogs to make meatloaf. NEXT!

Coot: Can I have your autograph Mr. Nesmith?

Spock, while violently shoving the Coot: Get the hell out of here you crazy old bastard! [Looks at the guy in the hat] What the fuck do you want Jed Clampett?

 

[Tribble]

Kirk to Spock, there's a cat in my ceiling.

This really goes well with Kirk's expression...

Captain Jack Harkness had not been the first to find out that a defabricator does exactly what it says on the tin.

Kirk (into intercom): Am I naked in front of millions of viewers?
Spock: Absolutely.

Only Jack Harkness had taken the news slightly better.

---
I believe this one has already be done on another contest, but well, here it goes:

SPOCK: Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead!
MCCOY: Here's one -- nine pence.
VAN GELDER: I'm not dead!
SPOCK: What?
MCCOY: Nothing -- here's your nine pence.
VAN GELDER: I'm not dead!
SPOCK: Here -- he says he's not dead!
MCCOY: Yes, he is.
VAN GELDER: I'm not!
SPOCK: He isn't.
MCCOY: Well, he will be soon, he's very ill.
VAN GELDER: I'm getting better!
MCCOY: No, you're not -- you'll be stone dead in a moment.
SPOCK: Oh, I can't take him like that -- it's against regulations.
VAN GELDER: I don't want to go in the cart!
MCCOY: Oh, don't be such a baby.
SPOCK: I can't take him...
VAN GELDER: I feel fine!
MCCOY: Oh, do us a favor...
SPOCK: I can't.
MCCOY: Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won't be long.
SPOCK: Naaah, I got to go on to Robinson's -- they've lost nine today.
MCCOY: Well, when is your next round?
SPOCK: Thursday.
VAN GELDER: I think I'll go for a walk.
MCCOY: You're not fooling anyone y'know. Look, isn't there something you can do?
VAN GELDER: I feel happy... I feel happy.
[SPOCK slaps VAN GELDER]
MCCOY: Ah, thanks very much.
SPOCK: Not at all. See you on Thursday.
MCCOY: Right.

 

[Shaw]

Kirk had a hard time dealing with his reassignment to a moon base... often crank calling the Enterprise (forgetting that they could see him on their view screen).

 

[Isis]

"Scotty, is it necessary for you to blare I'm Too Sexy for My Shirt over the PA every time I use the gym?"

 

[scottydog]

Spock: "... and a Vulcan Neck Pinch of salt for you."

 

[scottydog]

Donald Trump firing up stove: "You're fired."

 

[Triskelion]

Coot: Three bavarian creme, two glazed raspberry filled, three chocolate iced with sprinkles... how many is that?
Spock: You have four left.

Kirk: Kirk to Bones do you still have your horseshoe-removal tongs?
Bones: Affirmative, Jim. Do you want me to bring my gerbo-scanner?
Kirk: <hesitates> That's an order. Kirk out.

Bones: Stuck ankle and a snakebite.
Chekov: No no, that happened already. Fall off a cliff, broken leg and thirst.
Sulu: I say a wild alien wolf or bear gets him.
Spock: You are all illogical. My twenty quatloos says it's something to do with sexual innuendo and a phallic-shaped field-cobbled device. And no shirt.
Crewman #6 by viewscreen: Come on, giant spider! Giant spider!

Van Gelder: You guys going to the mess hall? I could use a blueberry muffin or a cup of veggie chili. And a Fresca.
Spock: You better sedate this * * before I break my * * off in his * * *.
McCoy: <raises brow, gets sedative>

 

[scottydog]

Van Gelder: "Hey. Doc. You have a nice ass!"

Spock: "Fascinating."

Van Gelder: "Yeah, it's a fascinating ass, too!"

Spock: "And shapely."

McCoy: "Spock!"

 

[Shatmandu]

Spock: "You said Diet the first time, but here's your Coke. Jackass."

 

[SeerSGB]

When the kitchen ran out of mayo, Spock was forced to use the Vulcan Bifurcate Death Grip in order to create magical Vulacan "mayonaise"

Let's see if the drunken bums can tell the difference.

Spock: Sulu lock phasers and photons on the captain.

McCoy: My god, Spock's Mirror Counterpart has taken over the Enterprise!

Spock: Yeah..mirror counterpart...yeah, we'll just go with that.

McCoy: It's like he spaced out on sensation.

Spock: But he's under sedation

Van Gelder: Let's do the time warp again!

 

[The Laughing Vulcan]

McCoy: "'Gojira?' What the hell does that mean. Hey Sulu, what'd he just say?"
Sulu: "How the hell should I know? Turn the fucking subtitles on, you ethnic profiling son of a bitch!"

 

[Ryan Thomas Riddle]

Van Gelder: There is no safety word with Doctor Adams! No safety word! Bukkake! Bukkake!
Spock: Fascinating.
McCoy: The poor sonuvabitch.

 

[Rat Boy]

Spock: "Cream and sugar?"

Coot: "Look, all I wanted was a cup of black coffee. I wasn't expecting the Scottish Inquisition!"

*explosion and jarring chord*

Scotty: "Nobody expects the Scottish Inquisition!"

Coot: "He just killed your chef."

Spock: "Yeah, he does that. Best to just ignore him."

 

[Shatmandu]

Spock, in Vulcan: "[Since I stopped washing these cups, my job is much easier.]"
Coot: "Huh?"
Spock: "Nothing. [Enjoy your pneumonia.]"

*fap-fap-fap*
Uhura: "Who is this? <button sound> Security to Deck three ..."
<Kirk runs away.>

 

[Triskelion]

Coot: Orange roughy with asparagus and clam chowder, please.
Other old coot: I'll have the filet medallions, lightly seared, pink in the middle, a Caesar salad and a glass of Bordeaux.
Spock: Trust me, get the Merlot. You'd rather drink twice-vomited dog throw-up than that Bordeaux.
Coot: And the Merlot?
Spock: Tres bien. A heavenly slice of Tuscan summer. But the Bordeaux? Hemmorhoidal Mule ass leakage in a glass.
Other old coot: Actually I had un petit penchant for an aperitif. Oh well. The Bordeaux it is.
Coot: Me too!

Now I know why none of the other drivers will deliver here.

Bones: Looks like the captain is going to get his ass handed to him.
Scotty: And that's just from today's jalapeno fiesta platter.

 

[Tribble]

What will you wear when your diarrhoea comes back?

 

[Rat Boy]

Chef: "Hello there, children!"

Hobos: "Hey Chef."

Chef: "How's it goin'?"

Coot: "Bad."

Chef: "Why 'bad?'"

Coot: "We're fucking broke, that's why."

 

[Shatmandu]

Coot: "Do you have to scratch yourself and then stir the coffee with your fingers."
Spock: "Do you have to drink it?"
Coot: "Touche."

Van Gelder: "THIS DOCTOR OF YOURS PLAYS SPIDER SOLITAIRE ALL DAY LONG." <eyes bug out>

Scotty: "I've got twenty quatloos on the lizard."

 

[scottydog]

Kirk: "Say it again, mister."

Sulu, sighing: "Yes sir. In the future, after using your quarters, I will clean up the hemmorhoidal mule ass leakage."