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TOS Caption Contest #137: The Red Hour

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"Look and behold, my friends.

The Great Whitescreen of Desilu.

Every two years, an image of an animatronic puppet is projected on it.

We are indeed prvileged to be here at this moment..."
 
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Kirk: "Diagnosis nurse Chapel?"
Chapel: "Massive amount of blood in his alcohol system, it can be near fatal to Scots."
 
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SCOTTY:"I was...dead?!"

KIRK:"Technically. So I told them you were an organ donor. You won't need TWO kidneys, you know."
 
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Kirk: "He was a credit to Irishmen everywhere."
Chapel: "... He was Scottish."
Kirk: "Really? Eh, who gives a shit? I'll be in my quarters. <exits>"
 
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Uhura (hardly audible over everything powering down): "I'm going to have to remind Rand and Chapel not to use their vibrators at the same time."



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Uhura: "Captain, that new GPS is for the birds. Every time we follow it, we get stuck behind an oversized garbage scow that insists on taking its half out of the middle."


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Scotty: "You can still back out.
Angela: "Scotty, I don't think of it as losing my freedom - I think of it as gaining as much as my lawyer was able to finagle in the prenup."



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Uhura: "This is the fifth time this month--Why can't you men ever admit it when you're lost?"


[Reinserted, plus a couple of new ones]
 
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Uhura: "Boy, these caption contest people really don't like you, do they, Captain? And Sulu? Holy crap, dude. Glad they don't mess with me like that."
Kirk: "Wait for it ..."
 
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Uhura: "Boy, these caption contest people really don't like you, do they, Captain? And Sulu? Holy crap, dude. Glad they don't mess with me like that."
Kirk: "Wait for it ..."

And here it comes...

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Kirk: Cross your legs, Uhura. There seems to be an updraft and I can catch a whiff of rancid salmon.
 
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Scotty
: Aye, lass. Ye are a bit of a hot mess, but that's nothing a couple'a pints of saurian brandy can't fix.

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McCoy is trippin'.

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Kirk forces the crew to watch a slideshow featuring his greatest Orion slave girl conquests.

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SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE!!!!

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Kirk
: I warned him not to eat the last ham roll, but he wo… he wouldn't listen… [sobs]

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I'm Rick James, bitch!
 
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Shatner [V/O]:
Pictureyourself... in a boat... on a river
With tangerine trees... and MARmalade skies
Somebody calls you, yoouuuanswer quiiite sloowwwly
Agirl! with kaleiiiiidoscope eyyyyyyyyyes!
 
And here it comes ...

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Uhura: "CAPTAIN! I am completely OUTRAGED ... by the public release of this ... sex tape, ... and I demand ... <leans on console, chin in hands> Ooh, Scotty was really bringing the heat there, wasn't he?"



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Uhura regretted sunbathing nude, and McCoy regretted losing his boot.
 
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So..THIS is what you do with those extra hours you quote me for repairs? ENEMAS??
 
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KIRK: As the saying goes, there's nothing tighter than a Scotsman's....

CHAPEL: Purse strings?

KIRK: Sure, that works too.
 
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Scotty: So have ye ever seen a grown man exploding from three sides before, lassie?
Angela: Not in such copious amounts.


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Oh Captain Karl, Miss Yvonne, phbbbt phbbbt phbbbt!
(Free shot of tequila to whoever gets the reference)


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Uhura: Captain, I thought you said your summer cabin had two bloodhounds and a bitch?
Kirk: Wait for it - ah here comes Carol now.
<Sulu and Uhura look at each other>


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Kirk: Bridge, set course for Genesis.
Sulu: The planet?
Kirk: No, the Phil Collins reunion concert on Risa.
 
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McCoy: "He probably owes you money huh? I'll ask him."
Kirk: "He's dead. He can't talk."
McCoy: "Whoo-hoo-hoo, look who knows so much. It just so happens that Scotty here is only MOSTLY dead. There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Mostly dead is slightly alive. With all dead, well, with all dead there's usually only one thing you can do."
Kirk: "What's that?"
McCoy: "Go through his clothes and look for loose change."
 
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McCoy: "It's no use, Jim."

Kirk: "He's going to die?"

McCoy: "No, he's going to be fat. And so are you."
 
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Kirk: "Great job. Could never tell she even had boobs before."




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Angela: "Don't be nervous, honey."
Scotty: "Oh, I'm not. I'm sure it's just like shagging a sheep ..."
 
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UHURA:"Sir?
Uhhhh...aren't we NOT supposed to be staring into an eclipse?"


SULU:"Where'd everyone go?!?!?"
 
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