Contest: ENTER TNG Caption This! #548: Who's driving?

[LeadHead]

Hello and welcome to the new contest!

You want winners? There are many winners!

First up to the plate, we have the "And he's in the carpool lane" Award, going to shivkala for:

Wesley: Sir, I think you should let me drive.

Picard: Shut, up, Wesley!

Wesley: But, sir, you've been going .5 lightspeed and have had your blinker on for the past 23 light years.


Next, we have the "Addictive Arcade Games" Award, going to Bry_Sinclair for:

Riker: C'mon Worf, just one more quarter then I swear it's your shot!


Next, we have the "Tomalak gets the last laugh" Award, going to inflatabledalek for:

Admiral: It's a video message from Tomalak. Just twenty minutes of him laughing at you.


Next, we have the "Anybody know a Cardassian Tailor who could fix that?" Award, going to Cutie McWhiskers for:

"Do you think he realizes he split his pants when bending over, right down the seam?"


Next, we have the "The Honest Trailer version of this song is really funny" Award, going to ThankQ for:

♫ A whole new world! A dazzling place I never knew... ♫

Next, we have the "Doomsday Beam? Now the ball is in Farnsworth's court!" Award, going to JirinPanthosa for:

PROFESSOR FARNSWORTH: Fire the doom ray!
FRY: It's no good, I keep missing Worf!
PROFESSOR FARNSWORTH: Aim a little more to the right!
FRY: Oh no, the beam bounced off Worf and hit Tasha!
PROFESSOR FARNSWORTH: Worf must have some kind of natural anti-doom resistance! Oh well, good enough.

Next, we have the "Picard, Jean-Luc Picard" Award, going to F14peter for:

PICARD: "So, do you expect me talk?"

EVIL MEGELOMANIAC BENT ON GALACTIC DOMINATION: "No Mr Picard, I expect you to DIE!!!!!"


Next, we have the "Please state the timetable of the EMH recall" Award, going to Mr Soak for:

Pulaski-EMH: What’s wrong with you?
Technician: Hmm, no. The bedside manner needs work.


Next, we have the "Advanced Special Effects!" Award, going to Herbert for:

Producer # 1: Okay, budget is tight this season. We need to get creative.
Producer # 2: Oooh, I know. Let's reuse effects from The Alternative Factor.
Producer # 3: Brilliant!


Next, we have the "Did they get a new cave?!" Award, going to inflatabledalek for:

Frakes: I tell you Gates, I don't understand why you find it uncomfortable going into the writers room and giving your ideas.


Next, we have the "Stewie Griffins greatest hits" Award, going to Timewalker for:

EVERYONE (SINGING):

"There's a hole in the bottom of outer space;
There's a hole in the bottom of outer space;
There's a hole---
There's a hole---
There's a hole in the bottom of outer space!"


Next, we have the "Make-out Flick" Award, going to Nerys Myk for:

Friday night at the drive-in. Tonight's feature: Star Trek the Motion Picture.


Next, we have the "Isn't there a better way to check?" Smellincoffee for:

Data: Confirmed. The brake lights are not working.


Next, we have the "Reputable Businessmen" Award, going to Herbert for:

Had an accident? Need a lawyer? Don't try to take on the insurance company yourself. Call 1-800-FERENGI. Get the latinum YOU deserve. We'll work hard for you because the more latinum you get, the more latinum we get and if that's not a Rule of Acquisition, it certainly should be.


Next, we have the "So that's how the logo works!" Award, going to tharpdevenport for:

Picard: "Is it time, Mr. Worf?"

Worf: "Yes, sir -- 0700 hours."

Picard: "Now Mr. Worf!!!"

Winners continued in next post.

 

[LeadHead]

Our Photoshop Award goes to TrickyDickie for:

Riker: "In spite of his threats, Jake Hunter didn't solve the case. I hope you can crack it, because right now this is seriously sucking, Dix."

First to Bry_Sinclair for:

Second Officer's log, supplemental. Whilst exploring Tinman, mission specialist Elbrum and myself became separated. I have tracked his location and found the reason why this entity connected with him. Starfleet will have to rename it as Tinwoman and we will have to arrange a baby shower.

Second, to JesterFace for:

Captain's log, electricity is blue and it hurts.

Many KBL's this time!

First, Herbert:

Worf: According to the tricorder, you manipulate those knobs to fire her up.
Riker: Heh. I used that technique on Deanna once.
Worf: I'll have to remember that.
Riker: Okay everyone let's get to .........wait...what?


Next, Leviathan:

Data: According to the Internet it is true.
Gomtuu: ...no way, species 8472 is NOT cooler than me. I can throw ships light years FFS, all they got is 'fluidic space'...pft.


Next, Tenacity:

Worf: "MISSED ME !!!"


Next, Laura Cynthia Chambers:

Geordi: "I'm never helping out at kindergarten craft time again."
Ro: "Second that."


Next, Triskelion:

Riker: Captain, we're caught in some kind of downward spiral that leads to nowhere.
Picard: Well why don't you just break up with Deanna then.


Next, Mojochi:

Riker: Boy, I thought our topside bridge design sucked. These idiots put their entire command section out in front for the 1st weapons volley to destroy


Next, Herbert:

Captain Bateson: Geez,Commander Niles, I let you take the helm and you immediately crash into another ship.
Lt Commander Martin Crane: I told you this would happen, but did you listen to me? Nooo!

Many thanks to all who participated and congrats to our winners!

 

[LeadHead]

And now for our new contest, take the helm!

Enjoy!

 

[LeadHead]

Picard: Where's the "engage" button?

Picard: Worf, what are you doing?

Worf: No one was at tactical, so I've transferred phaser and photon torpedo control to my station.

Picard: Then who's driving?!

Worf: Uh-oh.

Riker: Standard orbit, Mister La Forge.

La Forge: We're still in deep space, Commander.

Riker: I want to beam down somewhere, find us a planet.

Picard: Now turn 45 degrees to port.

Wesley: Captain, I know how to parallel par-

CRASH!

Worf: I really don't to stand at the back of the room again, let me stay here.

La Forge: Out of my chair!

Worf: Curses!

 

[Nerys Myk]

PICARD: We're letting him drive?
TROI: It was either him or me.
PICARD: Ah...

WES: Engaging thrusters...
PICARD: That's the dimmer switch, boy.

WORF: What the hell? You said he's going down to engineering!
PICARD: Next week, Mister Worf. Oh and I'm giving Conn to the kid.
WORF: Son of a....

LAFORGE (thinking): Please don't do the Riker Maneuver....please don't do the Riker Maneuver...

PICARD: This whole system is automated. What the hell do you people do all day?

 

[Herbert]

Thank you for the wins, LH

Picard: <whispering> Oh la vache! You could park an ambassador class starship on that forehead!

 

[Bry_Sinclair]

Thanks for the wins!

Picard: No Counsellor! You cannot have a shot of driving the ship!

Picard: Mr Worf, have you forgotten that you're now the Security Chief? There are other minions who can take the helm.

Riker: [thinking] Resist, Will. Don't do it! Not to Geordi, you've known him for too long.
La Forge: Commander, look at this.
[Riker moves to other side and cocks his leg up on the console support]
Riker: [thinking] Dammit! [aloud] What is it Geordi?
La Forge: [aloud] I'm picking up... [thinking] Dammit Riker, that's right next to my head!

Picard: Now, gently ease up on the accelerator and cover the brake pedal. Keep an eye on that shuttle on your right, he might cut in at any moment.

Captain's log, supplemental. I'm beginning to suspect the crew aren't fans of my speeches, they're attention seems to wander and they become easily distracted when I speak.

 

[tharpdevenport]

Picard (quietly): "Why is Mr. LaForge not tumbling out onto his ass? I demand more turbolift antics."

 

[Herbert]

Stewart: Actually Wil there is a valid reason for the dim lights. It helps hide the low budget interiors.

 

[Crazy Eddie]

PICARD: "Lay in a course, Mister Worf."
WORF: "Mmmm... I'd like to lay in her course..."
PICARD: "What?"
WORF: <closing instagram> "Nothing. Course plotted and laid in."

LAFORGE: "Sensors clearly show a Mewtwo somewhere in the area, Sir, but all we've encountered so fa are weedles and ratatats."
RIKER: "That can't be! Continue your search, Mister LaForge!"
LAFORGE: "Aye, Sir..."

PICARD: "I'm not saying it's a racial thing. It's a problem of culture. Values, you know? Denigrating women, glorifying drugs and rappers, 'thug culture' and so on. And plus there's this lack of responsibility. Like the government's responsible for all their problems, so they expect to get handouts all the time...
LAFORGE: * Clears throat *

 

[Herbert]

Riker: Mr Worf! Are you still standing rigidly at attention?
Worf: Yes Sir! Commander Sir!
Riker: <whispering to LaForge> I figure I can keep him like this for several hours. <snicker>
LaForge: <whispering to Riker> No way. Another hour at most.
Riker: <whispering> I'll bet you 20 quatloos I can keep him at attention for three more hours.
LaForge: <whispering> You're on.

 

[Laura Cynthia Chambers]

Riker: "Sir, he's here."
Picard: "Okay, this meeting of the top-secret Redshirt Society will now come to order!"
La Forge: "Uh, question? How can it be a secret if it's held on the bridge with at least one goldshirt present?"
Picard: "If you like goldshirts so much, Mr, La Forge, then why don't you join them? Harumph!"
La Forge: "Fine! Maybe I will! Hmph!"

 

[tharpdevenport]

Picard: "So, Wesley ... we're alone ... the lights are dim ... why don't we slip out of these tight uniforms into something more comfortable? And by that I mean nothing."

 

[bigglesworth]

Picard: "Wesley, have you ever been to a Turkish prison?"
Picard: "Wesley, do you like movies about gladiators?"
Picard: "Wesley, do you ever... hang around the gymnasium?"
Picard: "Wesley, have you ever seen a grown man naked?"

 

[bigglesworth]

... in the same vein...

Picard: "Lieutenant, how long until we reach the starbase to repair our sensor array?"
Worf: "I can't tell sir."
Picard: "You can tell me, I'm the captain."
Worf: "I'm just not sure."
Picard: "Well, can't you take a guess."
Worf: "Um, well... not for another two hours."
Picard: "You can't take a guess for another two hours?"
Worf: "No, I mean we're not going to reach the starbase for another two hours."

 

[JirinPanthosa]

PICARD: You mean, it's actually EXTREMELY lucky that we've never been hit by a meteor or comet that's traveling at fractions of the speed of light and obliterated instantly?

PICARD: Lieutenant? Lieutenant! How long have you been asleep?!

GEORDI: Psst...Data, tell me when it's safe to look left.

PICARD: Why yes, I do give you special treatment because I want to get with your mother. Wait, why did I say that?
WESLEY: Programmed your replicator to put truth serum in your tea.

PICARD: We need to brainstorm a plan to restructure our chain of command to put the most interesting people in the most upper management positions. Just in case four dimensional beings are watching us for entertainment, we want to entertain them GOOD.
RIKER: Geordi, how are you on engines?

 

[Smellincoffee]

Thanks for the win!

Riker: This would look cooler if I propped a leg up on the console. And if I had a beard! And love handles!
...well, maybe not love handles, but definitely the beard.

Picard: Just once, I'd like to do a mission without hearing bad news from engineering.
Riker, frantically mouthing to LaForge: "TRY LATER".

 

[Nerys Myk]

RIKER: Geordi is headed this way with that "a girl talked to me" look on his face.

 

[Triskelion]

Picard: Computer, play the message from Hanson.
Computer: Mmmbop, ba duba dop Ba du bop, ba duba dop Ba du bop, ba duba dop Ba du, yeah...
Picard: Pity the Admiral went nuts.

Picard: Mister Worf, set course for Kronos and engage.
Worf: Aye sir. Setting course for Qo'noS.
Picard: He's doing it again, isn't he.
Troi: Mm-hm.

Riker: Listen to that, gentlemen. No philosophy, no Shakespeare, no ETA's factored to the tenth decimal place, no one stating the obvious, no sanctimonious medical advice, no prepubescent mutterings....
Geordi: Ahhhhhhhhhh.
Worf: ♫ 'ej HumtaH 'ej DechtaH 'Iw ♪
♪ 'ej Doq SoDtaH ghoSpa' Sqral bIQtIq ♬
♫ 'e' pa' jaj law' mo' jaj puS ♬
♩ jaj qeylIS molar mIgh HoHchu'qu'! ♪
Riker: Figures.

Wesley, I'm a little concerned about these readings.
The navigational sensors?
The Japanese sex comics.
Did you just say it that way to pretend you didn't know the proper term for Hentai, sir?
Open your mind to the past - art, history, philosophy -
And schoolgirls versus tentacle monsters?
....Something like that. Meh, I'll fix it in the Captain's log.

Picard: In this nebula we're like Seven Blind Men and the Elephant -
Riker: Please do the "he's standing right behind me" bit....
Picard: I mean, we're blind as a bat -
Riker: The "standing right behind me" bit....
Picard: You can't see your hand in front of your face -
Riker: Right behind me bit....
Picard: We're through the looking glass, people -
Riker: Standing right behind me....
Picard: Open space would be a sight for sore eyes -
Riker: Any time now. He's standing right behind me....
Picard: Keep an eye out for any stars -
Riker: Ahem. Perhaps someone is walking in awkwardly at this very moment, sir. In the vicinity of your rear flank?
Picard: We were totally blindsided by this anomaly -
Riker: <cough cough> Standing right behind me! <cough>
Picard: Like the blind leading the blind -
Riker: SIR GEORDI IS STANDING RIGHT BEHIND YOU.
Picard: Sorry, Mister LaForge - out of sight, out of mind, you know.
LaForge: That's it - I'm moving to Engineering to randomly push buttons.

 

[Bry_Sinclair]

Riker: "Sir, he's here."
Picard: "Okay, this meeting of the top-secret Redshirt Society will now come to order!"
La Forge: "Uh, question? How can it be a secret if it's held on the bridge with at least one goldshirt present?"

Picard: Don't worry, Geordi, I've arranged a little "accident" for Ms Yar. Muwhahahahahahahahahahahaha!