TNG Caption This! #371: In Before the Lock!

[LeadHead]

Hello everyone! An early start to the contest!

First up to the plate, we have the "Games to pass the time" Award, going to:

PICARD: "Now slap both hands on your legs...oop, our Mizarian friend wins again. I didn't say "Simon Says".

Next, we have the "Is there a Plan B?" Award, going to:

Worf: A spider! Burn the ship down!

Next, we have the "Behind the Scenes" Award, going to:

Picard: "This...this is not the Enterprise."
Riker: "Okuda is on vacation this week."

Next, we have the "Tactical Maneuvers" Award, going to:

Ensign: Thank you for helping me load your long torpedo into my torpedo tube during our red alert mission last night, Commander. You really know how to divert hot plasma to all my ports.

Worf: Quiet, my wife may start to suspect.

K'Ehleyr: So that's the "Stinknuts Maneuver".... Make it so, Number One!

Next, we have the "Nostalgia" Award, going to:

Old Riker: ``Oh, those were happy days, back when I still had my prize Large Shiny Ball on a Glass Shelf.''

Our Photoshop Award goes to:

"But, Lieutenant Worf ... they are the only love that money can buy."

Captain's Log: Although it was terrifying at the time, upon reviewing old recordings of the vicious Clown attack, I now find it...funny.

K'EHLEYR: Hey human petaQ! His eyes are up there!!!!

Many thanks to everyone who participated and congrats to our winners!

I always enjoy judging the contests, but this one in particular was a lot of fun, I wanted to say a special thanks to all of you!

And now, a new contest idea I came up with since I was posting this a little earlier than usual, "In before the lock!" AKA: "Doors, Doors, Doors!"

Enjoy!

 

[LeadHead]

Riker: So Captain, I was thinking about transferring Data to the USS Doomed...

Worf: Sorry, Sir. Only Troi is on the list.

Quinn: 10 points!

La Forge: Good.... for you... Sir......

Picard: Get out, all of you. The Doctor and I have...important matters to discuss.

Picard: Come on, Beverly. Let me in, it wasn't THAT bad.

 

[inflatabledalek]

Lieutenant Commander Data's Personal Log: Commander Riker has gone to have his ears waxed after I was forced to point out to him that Leadhead did not in fact promise "Whores whores whores!".

Worf: Welcome back from your holiday Sir, but I must inform you the transporter biofilter had to remove STDs from your system.

Picard: ...Which STDs?

Worf: All of them Sir.

Admiral: ...And that's what you get for wearing a red shirt!

Geordi: *Thinking* I've got to transfer to a gold or blue department...

Stewart: Is that our alien of the week? A light bulb? Harry H. Christ, we're cheap.

 

[inflatabledalek]

And because I missed a pic...:

Picard: Hurry up Troi! You know this is the only toilet on the deck, get a move on in there! What are you doing, crapping a life size model of the Enterprise?

 

[Nerys Myk]

WORF: Isn't that the outfit Dr Crusher had on last night?

PICARD: I've gotta stop getting dressed in the dark.

 

[Armored Saint]

BERMAN (os): Good news guys, Gene's against military coup, but he has nothing against beating an old man or a boy with glasses.
COSTELLO: FUCK YEAH! **SNAP**

Starfleet Commander's log: This incident on the Enterprise makes me thing maybe I should get rid of Admiral Donald Sterling.

WORF: Captain, judging by your clothes, you really need that security escort: Risian gay resorts are full of Nausicaans.

Data's main function was to play "Riker's joing Picard in his ready room" theme.

PICARD (thinking): Beverly never has two cups of coffee at home.

 

[Nerys Myk]

PICARD: I really hate Prostrate Exam Mondays.

 

[Armored Saint]

TROI: No, yes, no, yes, yes, no, no, ah, oh, oh, oh, ah, ohh, oh, you're head is so shinging.
RIKER: You're needed on the bridge, sir.
PICARD: Knock on my door! Knock next time! Did you see anything Numbah One?
RIKER: No, sir. I didn't see you playing with your dolls again.
DATA: This is going right on my Spacebook.

 

[shivkala]

Thanks, again, for the win, Leadhead, I hope you enjoy creating/judging them as much as we enjoy entering into them (get it? Entering, because the theme this week is doors? Yes, that's right, you're in for more of the same sense of humor with these captions!).

Data: Lt., why do claim you hate it when Riker leaves, but enjoy the act of watching him go?

Unnamed Female Conn Officer: You know, he's got a cute butt.

Data: Interesting, I was not aware that the piece of anatomy utilized most for sitting on and excreting solid waste could be considered cute.

Unnamed Female Conn Officer: Well, not when you put it that way...

Data: Query. Is my butt cute?

Unnamed Female Conn Officer: I'm not saying you have no butt, but apparently, you skipped the part of the assembly line where you were supposed to receive your butt.

Worf: Fashion police is the least honorable part of my job, however, it would be more dishonorable to fail to complete my duties to the best of my abilities. Therefore, sir, I have to hold you in contempt of Federation Fashion Guideline 3572.3, otherwise known as the "Law to declare Earth fashion circa the 1990's a crime to fashion and an assault to optical senors of all kinds."

Quinn: To quote the immortal Bob Dylan, "You'll not see nothing like the mighty Quinn!"

Picard: I was not aware an Andorian could bend that way.

Picard: I was wondering if you had a moment to discuss our Lord and Savior, the Great Bird of the Galaxy?

http://www.pinterest.com/pin/create/extension/

 

[Jonas Grumby]

TFTW, LeadHead!

Worf: "Kahless' beard!!! With all due respect, sir, when I asked you to be my cha'DIch, I never imagined you would ever wear that to the High Council Chamber!"

Picard: "You, out there at those keyboards! I know this pic practically screams for it, but I want no fart jokes!"

Picard: "Aw, c'mon, baby, don't be like that! I have to be tough on you when the crew's watching!"

 

[Nerys Myk]

PICARD: Mr. Crusher, no one takes that long to go to the bathroom!!!

 

[Armored Saint]

PICARD: Counselor, I warn you, we're there as neutral arbiter, if you're having a special private therapy session with the gorgeous Prime minister of Degma VII or the hot President of Barma II, I ban chocolate from the ship.
TROI: Don't worry Captain, they're both there with Beverly and Selar. You're cordially invited to join us.

PICARD: Crap, a first season rerun, Beverly is way more sexy since the season 5.

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Beverly: Out! All of you! I swear, the next 'kway-sawnt' joke I hear gets someone shoved out an airlock!

Picard (thinking): Wait till she sees how I've reprogrammed all of sickbay's food replicators.

Geordi: What? What'd I say? Okay, okay, I did make that joke about Quinn's voice sounding like a malfunctioning bunsen burner, but I had no idea he'd take it personally...

Picard: All right, Ensign, I'll make a note to the galley: All future chili cook-offs are hereby cancelled.

 

[Nerys Myk]

GEORDIE:Getting my ass kicked by this old guy isn't going to help my reputation with the ladies.

 

[JirinPanthosa]

DATA: Second officer's log. The captain's ready room looks larger on the inside than from the outside. Suspect spatial anomaly, but nobody else in the crew seems to notice. Suspect brain virus that only I am immune to.

WORF: Compliments Captain. That is a great costume for playing the court jester in the upcoming ship Shakespeare production.
PICARD: This is my eveningwear.

QUINN: No, it doesn't want to possess you, it wants RIKER!
GEORDI: That's in violation of the Terrans With Disabilities Act!
QUINN: Damn it. Okay, I guess it is legally obligated to possess you.

PICARD: Captain's log. We badly need a new interior decorator. seriously, the entire ship is hideous.

PICARD: Beverly. Neela was just a friend.
BEVERLY: You never played piano in the Jeffries tube with me!
PICARD: You don't like piano!
BEVERLY: You had her transferred because you couldn't send her into danger and you've served with me for seven years!

 

[2takesfrakes]

WooHoo!... Thanks for the win!

"Beverly ... open the door. I've told you that I'm sorry. It's never happened to me, before! I'm thinking stress caused it. Let me make it up to you ... I'll ... I'll even start taking those erec-- those pills -- you suggested."

 

[2takesfrakes]

WORF: "......................................."

RIKER: "Worf, you're conducting yourself with Honour."

TROI: "I can sense your skepticism, Worf, but stay calm. Hear the Captain out ..."

PICARD: "I'm still the Captain you remember, Mister Worf. I just came to a realization that I was - and am - a blonde, female Captain trapped in the body of a bald, male Captain. And I had to LET ME OUT or I WOULD DIE."

 

[Triskelion]

T4TW Leadhead! Thanks for running so many great contests!

Data: I would not go in there if I were you....
Riker: Here I am, Cap - what the heck are all these Oreo sleeves and doctor's scrubs doing all over the floor? And what's that sobbing?

Picard: What? Louvers and Sport Bras are in this year.
Troi: He mixed up Cosmo Magazine with Shuttle & Driver again.

Quinn: In before the lock! NOT!

Picard: Computer...arch.
Computer: That query is not recognized.
Picard: Then this isn't the holodeck?
Computer: Affirmative. Your present location is the medical bay.
Picard: And the...various objects...I squeezed while exhorting "I'm Captain Kirk"...were real?
Computer: Affirmative. As was the filing of the sexual harassment class action suit.
Picard: Merde.

Door: Beep beep boop boop.
Beverly: Who is it?
Picard: It's the Captain, I've come to claim my right of Prima Obnoxious.
Beverly: The right of first night's sexual conquest of my virtue?
Picard: No, the right to get the hell away from Wesley for one night.

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Quinn: "Pow! I love a good game of 'Rock'em Sock'em Ensigns'!"
LaForge: "I'm not an ensign!"
Quinn: "You are now, Sporto! By God, I love being an admiral!"

 

[Ln X]

Second Officer's Log. In what the crew is calling the 'chair incident', Commander Riker was both reprimanded and flogged for sitting in the captain's chair.

Worf: Kaplah captain, may you conquer many hearts during your Risian vacation.

(Unreal Tournament narrator) First blood!

Picard left it up to Beverly to carry out the grim task of vacuum desiccating the Ferengi corpse in sickbay.

Picard: Hey you, out there beyond the wall, breaking bottles in the hall, can you help me?