TNG Caption This! 349: Totally Unprepared

[Roddenberry]

Thanks for the pick.

Geordi I'm sorry Commander, but Red & Black are the old colours, it's gold & black if you want to join Kraftwerk: TNG.
O'Brien (in background): #I program my home computer, Beam myself into the future, I program my home computer,
Beam myself into the future...#

Beverly: Jean-Luc, you've knocked him out cold.
Picard: I warned him, the next time he failed to use a contraction, I'd lay him out. Anyone else want some? C'mon, I'll take two at a time.

Bartender: What the hell kinda drink is WD-40?

Crusher: We've been doing some research and well...eh..mmm. (giggles)
Troi: What Beverley is trying to say is, despite what that sash says, we both doubt you were Miss Qo'noS 2363

Riker: ....luscious, pert, mmm...
Wesley: Commander, firstly I haven't hit mute and dude, seriously, that's my mom.
Riker: Firstly young Wes, I know and secondly, I know.

 

[Finn]

Beverly: Sorry, Alexander is yours. I'm not buying your believing that we are still in our first year on the D.

 

[Armored Saint]

RIKER: Mr. Crusher, Mic Michaeli manoeuver! All hands prepare for The Final Countdown!
WESLEY: Sir, Tactical isn't the name of a synthesizer manufacturer!

O'Brien: Life forms, ...you tiny little lifeforms, ...you precious little life forms...

 

[Armored Saint]

COVERDALE: An' I've made up my mind! I ain't wasting no more time!

 

[Avro Arrow]

Crusher: He's dead. Thank god you stopped him before he took any more of Lal's skin!

Picard: Seriously, what the f--k was that all about, anyway?

 

[Armored Saint]

 

[Nerys Myk]

PICARD: Do you really think giving Data a beauty makeover will help?

 

[Triskelion]

Crusher: Here's the problem. Someone replaced his power core with...cat toys?
Picard: We can't assume it was a cat, let alone Data's cat.
Carey: Damned profiling regs! It's always the cat!

 

[Armored Saint]

RIKER: On viewer, Lieutenant Yar, open channel!
PICARD (os): NUMBAH ONE! THIS IS FRANKLY CREEPY! Can I borrow her for tonight?

 

[Mistral]

RIKER: This stuff is strong; I can see Data wearing a 1930s costume.

Bartender: It's stronger than you think. That's a 1940s costume.

 

[inflatabledalek]

Damn, I never got round to entering last week, must make up for it with EPIC captions...

Geordi: But Sir, what do you need with so much rohypnol?

Crusher: His one nipple is worryingly erect.

Bartender: Ah wait, I gave you the one with the rohypnol in...

Crusher: Congratulations Worf, you're pregnant!

Worf: I've really got to upgrade my healthcare plan.

Riker: We've got to do well at this test or I'll never make captain by forty!

 

[Armored Saint]

PICARD: Jesus! I understand you currently can't use the sickbay to play doctor, but at least get a room!

 

[Nerys Myk]

CRUSHER: Troi here doesn't believe that all Klingon organs are duplicated. I've even showed her pictures.

WORF: It is true.

TROI: Drop your pants. Seeing is believing.

 

[JirinPanthosa]

RIKER: It's a miracle food that can make me look like I'm 20. The internet said so.

BEVERLY: He's passed out drunk.
PICARD: But he's an android! That doesn't make any sense.
BEVERLY: Yeah, we seriously need some new writers.

DATA: I must thank you Commander. You are filling the role of the lecherous drunken buffoon in this holoprogram with exceptional historical accuracy.
RIKER: Holoprogram?

BEVERLY: Worf, thank God you're here. We've rescued a small Romulan child. He's the son of the head of the Romulan government, and if the Federation were to rescue him it could lead to an alliance that prevents a war that could kill billions of people. But he's badly injured, all he needs is a blood transfusion from you. I know you'll do the right thing.

RIKER: Don't worry Wesley, it's okay to cheat in this game, because the guy who is running the game is a dick.

 

[Nerys Myk]

RIKER: Meet your new engineering staff, Geordi.

 

[Merlanthe]

GEORDIE: There seems to have been a transporter mishap sir, we were able to beam most of the diplomatic representatives of the planet ArToo aboard but their legs are missing along with their livers. Its possible they were stored in the pattern buffer for the replicator.

RIKER: Its funny that you should mention livers, the Captain and i just enjoyed a lovely liver and bean pie though it tasted a little odd...

BEVERLY: According to my scanner there is no pulse or respiratory activity. I am afraid the commander is dead.

GEORDIE: As an android Data does not require a pulse or respiratory activity in order to function.

BEVERLY: Now Geordie out of the two of us who is a fully qualified chief medical officer for an entire star ship and who is just an engineer? I think i know what im talking about thank you very much.

DATA: No Geordie is quite correct in his assesment of the situation.

BEVERLY: ...

BEVERLY: According to the Captain it will be at least an hour or so before Geordie can devise a cure for the transporter accident that caused you swap bodies. You have a unique opportunity here so I suggest you relax and enjoy the experience.
TROI: ...No Worf she didnt mean it that way

RIKER: Okay its time to face facts. We are outmatched and outgunned and there is no way we can win this. But if we plot a course to Risa we can be knee deep in Ja-ma haron before the Enterprise even realises we're gone.

 

[Triskelion]

And how many hot dog buns did you say you ordered?
A thousand forty eight, sir.
And how many hot dogs did the Amazon drones deliver?
A thousand forty eight.
Well, good.
Kilos, sir.
Dammit!

Crusher: You didn't want to waste money on a Roomba - and now his positronic matrix is full of dust bunnies.
Data: Roombaroombaroombaroombaroombaroombaroomba....

Riker: Easy, fella, you don't want to make William "The Outcast" Riker mad. I'll call up my crew Worf "Heart of Glory" Mogh, Geordi "Identity Crisis" LaForge, and Miles "Long Ladder" O'Brien and we'll bring this whole joint down.
Bartender: Yeah? And who's this one?
Data: I am Data "Pen Pals" Soong.
Riker: He's working on it.

Crusher: Worf, your tests came in. Neural transduction, delta wave profile, vascular tomography, phoretic analysis, biofunction and detronal scans, all confirm what I told you when you came in. It was a friction burn.
Troi: Here's my card.

Riker: Mister Worf? More cowbell.
Worf: I cannot break the laws of physics, Commander.

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Bartender: "Well, what have we here? A bellhop and a dick!"
Riker: "Say what?!"
Data: "Slang for 'detective,' sir."
Riker: "Oh."

 

[Armored Saint]

PICARD: Data, instead of having acupuncture sessions on the bridge as stress relief, why don't you go to Risa for a week? You creepy workaholic!

WESLEY: Sir, we accepted to join you in the rebellion because you said there would be women!
RIKER: There's Ensign Nagel just behind you...don't tell me she's not cute.
WORF: Yes she is sir, but...
GEORDI:...we've all had bad dating experience since we serve together...
WORF:...including yourself....
WESLEY:...so, she's probably a mothman, an hologram or condemned to death...

Riker: Easy, fella, you don't want to make William "The Outcast" Riker mad. I'll call up my crew Worf "Heart of Glory" Mogh, Geordi "Identity Crisis" LaForge, and Miles "Long Ladder" O'Brien and we'll bring this whole joint down.
Bartender: Yeah? And who's this one?
Data: I am Data "Pen Pals" Soong.
Riker: He's working on it.

DATA: I knew Data "Data's Day" Soong was better.

 

[shivkala]

Riker: Easy, fella, you don't want to make William "The Outcast" Riker mad. I'll call up my crew Worf "Heart of Glory" Mogh, Geordi "Identity Crisis" LaForge, and Miles "Long Ladder" O'Brien and we'll bring this whole joint down.
Bartender: Yeah? And who's this one?
Data: I am Data "Pen Pals" Soong.
Riker: He's working on it.

DATA: I knew Data "Data's Day" Soong was better.

Riker: Shut up, Data "Fistful of Data's" Soong!