TNG Caption This! 343: Proper Procedures

[LeadHead]

Hello everyone! I'm on time! Try not to be too shocked!

First up to the plate, we have the "Conspiracy" Award, going to:

PICARD: OK, so it's agreed. We blame it all on La Forge.

Next, we have the "Nothing to worry about" Award, going to:

Crusher: "This is amazing, Captain! I've detected large numbers of Creeping Genital Fungus spores throughout the ship!"

Picard: "Are we in any danger, Doctor?"

Crusher: "Oh, not, not really. The disease only affects Klingons."

Next, we have the "Emergency Beam-out?" Award, going to:

Picard: - and then you do the Picard Maneuver.
Data: You mean yawn and stretch your arm around her, sir?
Troi: I have a bad feeling about why I was asked here.

Next, we have the "Dark Future" Award, going to:

Data: With the end of net neutrality, we can no longer afford to stream from Netflix. All we can get are blob animations.
Picard: Which means I'll actually have to talk to Beverly afterward.
Data: At least you do not have to hear stories of Tasha's troubled youth or her awkward moralizing about drugs.

Next, we have the "Innovative Solutions" Award, going to:

Riker: "I must say, Captain, I'm very impressed with your new crew evaluation procedures."
Picard: Thank you, Number One. Now, Ensign, you've done very well in the question-and-answer and talent portions of the evaluation."
Riker: "Nice song, by the way!"
Picard: "Indeed! And now it's time to move on to the swimsuit competition!"

Great Photoshops this week! So wonderful, couldn't choose so they're all winners!

Picard: "What have you discovered Data?"

Data: "Sir, these lights keep blinking out of sequence."

Picard: "Well get them to blink in sequence."

Worf, son of Moog

PICARD: Well?

DATA: Call Geordi. I am not getting my positronic posterior anywhere near that mess!

First Officer's Log. I have to introduce the Captain to what we consider a hot tea back in Valdez. This is lukewarm!

Crusher: And when Wesley finally came home, he had a black eye. Do you have any idea who would do something like this?
Picard: I don't know. I haven't even seen him since I ordered Worf to keep him off my bridge.
Crusher: Well he won't tell me.
Worf: And if he knows what's best for him, he'll keep it that way.

Enjoy!

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Wesley (knocking on door): Hello? Anyone in there? Look, they told me "Liquor up front, poker in the rear." Isn't this what they meant?

Troi: It's good to be the captain!

Picard: Computer, perhaps I should have been more specific when I asked for the nearest red light district.

 

[LeadHead]

Crusher: (From other side of the door) Hello? Anyone in there? Isn't the poker game tonight?

Riker: Just wait 5 minutes and she'll leave.

Troi: Yes! Picard and Riker are gone! I'm in command!

Worf: (thinking) At least she's not at the helm...

Picard: That's never happened when I said "Red Alert" before...

Riker: Anybody know why we beamed down to this planet?

Worf put shaving cream on Geordi and Data's Chairs to get even with them about not supporting his request to have a chair put in at the Tactical station.

 

[Armored Saint]

TFTW

BURTON: Well, Rod Roddenberry again forgot to add chlorine in the pool!

WORF (about the fourth card his hand): Q!!!
GEORDI, DATA, RIKER: WHERE IS HE?

WORF: Nice teeth!

 

[Nerys Myk]

DATA: It's the cops! Quick, everyone get out your Bibles!

WORF: No, your farts do not smell of roses.

PICARD: Okay, we're in the middle of a super nova. Maybe Conn isn't the right spot for you, Worf.

SPINER: They're gonna greenscreen something cool up there, right?

News of Troi and Riker's bridge sexcapdes spread quickly.

 

[Mojochi]

Everyone expected Beverly's straight flush to be odious to say the least

Little did she know, that Worf was preparing to kill her

Picard: Aww dammit, not Riker's crimson force field nonsense again

Data: That is one very big blank screen behind us

Geordi: My readings indicate that no one else is on the bridge right now

Data: Mine too, must be a computer malfunction

 

[Mr. Adventure]

Data: "You're right, Commander, those doors are filthy!"
Worf: "Just bet, dammit!"

Marina: "They're actually paying me for this."

Worf: "We are now at Red Alert."
Picard: "Uh, yes, thank you Mr. Worf."

LaForge: "Uh, Data, I don't this is what the captain meant when he gave us standing orders."

 

[Armored Saint]

SPINER: They're gonna greenscreen something cool up there, right?

 

[Bad Thoughts]

Frakes: Ok, the UFO is hanging from the ceiling, and the ghost image of Chief Cochise is on the door. We pretend to be surprised by them during the card game, send the video into Syfy, and I get a "reality" show between Destination Truth and Fact or Faked.

 

[Jonas Grumby]

TFTW, LeadHead!

Voice from other side of door: "Commander Data? Your latest shipment of marked playing cards has arrived."
Data: "Not a good time!"

Worf: "Counselor...?"
Troi: "Sorry, Worf, I can't help it! I'm picking up empathic impressions of Andy Powell and Alyssa Ogawa in bed together. And she's a giggler!"

Worf: "I'm sorry, Captain, I don't know where I went wrong. The manual clearly states that replacement light panels should have a color rating of 'natural sunlight'!"
Picard: "Not when you buy them on Vulcan!"

Riker: "So, tell me again, Mr. Data, how much did you pay for these resort tickets?"

Data: "I cannot find an 'Off' switch over here, either."
LaForge: "Well, we've got to do something! There's no way I can do another eight-hour shift with these chairs set on 'Vibrate'!"

 

[Bad Thoughts]

Thanks for the win, Leadhead

Data: If we keep pushing buttons in a stylized manner, Armored Saint might photoshop Yamaha DX-7s in place of these consoles.
Laforge: I'm more worried about what everyone else will do. You already look like Kraftwerk's Florian Schneider. Nerys Myk might make me look like Grace Jones.

Riker: Data, you said this planet would look like Vasquez Rocks.
Yar: I'd rather fall into a tar pit than be seen on this cheesy planet.

Bad Thoughts, age 17: I could fall in love with that smile.

 

[Finn]

Thanks for the Log win

Riker: I wonder what Beverly and the Captain is doing in there

What we would have seen if Riker was in Geordi's place in The Next Phase.

 

[Armored Saint]

GEORDI: Wait, these are flippers, not our consoles!
DATA: Fascinating, we are not on the Enterprise brige, but into a pinball machine.

 

[Nerys Myk]

DATA: Who is the tall, dark stranger there?

RIKER: Maverick is the name. Ridin' the trail to who knows where. Luck is his companion. Gamblin' is his game.

 

[shivkala]

Data: Commander, as this is the 9th time we've been distracted by a mysterious noise at the door, I have run a statistical breakdown. Each time we turn, Geordi has won the hand. I am beginning to think those two events are not random.

Worf: Counselor, you've been stuck like that for the past 30 minutes. I do not believe the Captain and Commander are simply "going to get the gift they got you for your birthday weeks ago."

Troi: I'm sure it's just that the weight of the 300 tons of chocolate they got me is slowing them down.

Worf: Yes, continue to believe that...

Captain's Log: My mother always told me my future was so bright, I'd have to wear shades. After staring at this temporal anomaly, I am being to believe she meant that literally.

Riker: Analysis Mr. LaForge

Geordi: I believe the sky is still rendering, sir.

Geordi: When the Captain said, "You two stay behind and defend us against the Romulan fleet, we'll just go and make sure the escape pods are functioning properly," you don't think the Captain ditched us, do you?

Data: Due to the fact that every escape pod on the ship has launched, I am inclined to believe that it is the case.

 

[Nebusj]

Data: ``Certainly ghosts and imaginary beings may join the poker game. Why would you need … to … ask?''

Troi: ``And welcome back, it's 0815, looking to be the start of a fine alpha shift. The Potentate of New Hoboken has issued a statement thanking the Enterprise for racing to deliver that vaccine to her plague-stricken colony. According to the Medical Division, ambu-jitsu injuries are down eight percent in the past there months. And this half-hour we'll have a special report on how to cope when you learn a co-worker has a holodeck version of you on file, and later we'll make a chocolate plomeek recipe that's been sweeping Vulcan fusion restaurants all across the Beta quadrant. All that and more coming up, but first, the space weather. Geordi?''

Picard: ``The heck did we even get a Pink Alert?''

Data: ``According to our transporter coordinates this is Times Square.''
Riker: ``Curse you, Apple Maps!''

LaForge: ``OK, set the motors up to full, unhook the restraining bolts, set the timers to fifteen seconds and let's get out of the way before these babies go racing!''

 

[LOLPeanutButter]

WORF: What is so funny?
TROI: Just imagining the saucer getting knocked out of orbit and skidding across a planet's surface. Wouldn't that be a neat ride?"
WORF: No.

Data: "Sensors indicate... it's a fake."

 

[inflatabledalek]

Worf: Damn, I lost my sash again.

Worf: What's so funny?

Troi: Geordi's joke about the Ferengi in the gorilla suit... I just got it!

Worf: Wait... what? That was three years ago!

Troi: At least I got it before Data.

Picard: So this is how Geordi sees the world?

Worf: Yes.

Picard: Explains a lot.

Data: We seem to have beamed down to a throwback to the original series planet sets.


Only not as good.

Geordi: I refuse to sit until we get less silly chairs.

 

[The Laughing Vulcan]

door chimes
Troi: "Don't answer it."
Riker: "Why not?"
Troi: "It's the Captain, he's in one of his 'carouse with the junior officers' moods."
Data: "How...?"
Troi: "Hello... Empath!"
Worf mumbling: "Why can't you be that useful on the bridge?"

Troi: "I sense the Captain and Beverly going at it like rabbits in the ready room."
Worf: "See, now that's useful." activates security camera in the ready room.

Tactical Officer: "The Californalians are firing phasers at us!"
Picard: "What the..."
Worf: "Nothing to worry about sir, they are set to tan."

Data: "Green skies, rocks and sand. For omniscient and omnipotent beings, the Q seem to lack in imagination."

Geordi: "It's night shift."
Data: "Indeed it is."
Geordi: "Nobody else up here but us two."
Data: "One wonders how we will combat the endless ennui and tedium until 0600."
Geordi: "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
Data: "Chopsticks on the helm consoles subroutine activated."

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Data: Atomic batteries to power. Turbines to speed.

Geordi: Roger. Ready to move out.