TNG Caption This! 342: Tardy

[Holdfast]

That Picard/Troi 'shop is truly frightening.

PICARD: OK, so it's agreed. We blame it all on La Forge.

CRUSHER: And the really weird thing is, I found traces of Klingon DNA at the murder scene.

PICARD (rapping): I like 'em round, and big
And when I'm throwin' a gig
I just can't help myself, I'm actin' like an animal
Now here's my scandal
I wanna get you home
And ugh, double-up, ugh, ugh

PICARD: FMV Laserdisc games really are the future, aren't they.

RIKER (thinking): Drugs taking a long time to kick in today.

 

[Armored Saint]

PICARD: Welcome to this firs meeting of Geordi Mocking Clu....NUMBAH ONE! YOU'RE NOT FUNNY AT ALL YOU RACIST PRICK!
RIKER: You think you're better with your pieces of rug on your heads?
DATA: I am his """BEST""" friend.
PICARD: And I'm bald...so go put on a visor and remove this revolting **sniff** chocolate!!!
Troi: Chocolate? Can I go with him?

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Crusher: "I've got Ten Forward's room service menu and tapes of The English Patient and Bridget Jones's Diary. Wanna make a night of it?"
Worf: "Yeesh!"

 

[Triskelion]

T4WLH!

Picard: Then it's settled. When Wesley comes onto the bridge tomorrow we'll all wear beards and convince him his impure thoughts have ruined this timeline.

Beverly: Come on, Captain - the wrestling, the bondage and pain sticks, the tentacle ravaging, the platform boots, the tea and poetry - all goes to show you the superiority of the Klingon warrior -
Worf: Ohhh?
Beverly: - at being totally gay.
Worf: Awwww.

Data: Sir, I do not believe that "Sid the Invisible Sentient Slinky" is a legitimate alien life form.
Troi: To be fair, Data, I often sense a desire to push something down some stairs.
Picard: Quiet! She's sleeping.

Data: No sir, I was not aware that giving sappy Italian names to photon torpedo yields would cause them to be overcharged.

Picard: Do you know why the anomaly got a trophy, Number One?
Riker: Sir?
Picard: Because it was spatial.
Riker: Yes sir.

 

[Bad Thoughts]

Crusher: Looking at the tests, IVF would be our best option.
Picard: Well, then, I want my son to be tall, strong, athletic, with luxurious long hair, perhaps mocha skin, and the ability to kick Wesley's arse.

 

[T'Girl]

PICARD: Since Crusher and Yar aren't here, we can make fun of them. I'll start...

Picard: "How many Tasha Yars does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Worf: "What's a "light bulb?"

Data: "Since we're tell jokes about Tasha and screwing ..."



Picard: "What have you discovered Data?"

Data: "Sir, these lights keep blinking out of sequence."

Picard: "Well get them to blink in sequence."

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Riker: "I must say, Captain, I'm very impressed with your new crew evaluation procedures."
Picard: Thank you, Number One. Now, Ensign, you've done very well in the question-and-answer and talent portions of the evaluation."
Riker: "Nice song, by the way!"
Picard: "Indeed! And now it's time to move on to the swimsuit competition!"

 

[Triskelion]

Picard: So you all know why I called this long overdue meeting.
Riker: Where are all the green chicks, sir?
Picard: Where are all the green chicks.
Worf <grumbling>: I too have been doubting some of the promises the Starfleet recruiter told me.

Plus he's gross, and his stomach is always making noises; he smells like dead fish and prune juice, and the nurses all request a day off when it's his turn for a physical - and - <looks around, steps closer> - he's standing right behind me, isn't he?

Picard: - and then you do the Picard Maneuver.
Data: You mean yawn and stretch your arm around her, sir?
Troi: I have a bad feeling about why I was asked here.

Do you know why Counselor Troi left Earth, Number One?
Sir?
She saw the ring around Uranus.
Yes sir.

 

[Armored Saint]

PICARD: Great, Bullocks to Stan, I like so much this episode!
RIKER: I don't know sir, why would Hayley would sleep with an old bald dude?

 

[Finn]

Picard: What do you say to Deanna?

Data: I apologize for my experiment with Betazoidity. I realize announcing that Earth is a Class M planet when we returned to the Sol system was not necessary as it is well known and obvious to all of us. I hope you are no longer offended, Counselor.

 

[Nerys Myk]

PICARD: I knew you would like my Club, Number One. Just men sitting around on comfy chairs, drinking what we like, without the distraction of the fairer sex.

RIKER: What about the stripper? She's a woman.

PICARD: Ah... wait for it

RIKER: Uh....Oh!!!

 

[2takesfrakes]

"Alright, Mister Data, if I understand your rendition of the facts, concerning the incident with you and Counselor Troi - you reached around, from behind, and grabbed her breasts ... like so?"

 

[2takesfrakes]

"Splendid! Wil, I must say, I'm most impressed with your efforts to refine your Command Image! Joviality has its place, Number One ... but not, necessarily, on the bridge! You've already mastered how to hold your Tea, Earle Grey - now, watch how after I put it down and stand up, I will tug on my uniform. I want you to try it with me ..."

 

[2takesfrakes]

"Jean-Luc! Captain! You won't believe this, but I've just been reading Dr. Phlox's Medical Logs from the Enterprise NX-01, and I can finally answer what happened to the Klingon foreheads of Jim Kirk's time ..."

 

[Mistral]

Crusher: "This is amazing, Captain! I've detected large numbers of Creeping Genital Fungus spores throughout the ship!"

Picard: "Are we in any danger, Doctor?"

Crusher: "Oh, not, not really. The disease only affects Klingons."

 

[Nerys Myk]

CRUSHER: I'm just saying from a medical perspective, chairs would be a good idea.

WORF: Preach it, sister!

 

[Armored Saint]

Worf, son of Moog

 

[CorporalCaptain]

Worf, son of Moog

(Bravo, Armored Saint! )

Beverly: According to my readings, this console configuration is actually 50% more efficient!

 

[Nerys Myk]

PICARD: If I ever find out who ever introduced him to Duran Duran, I'll kill them.

 

[Bad Thoughts]

Worf, son of Moog

Crusher: I was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar, that much is true ...