TNG Caption This! 332: Moving Mountains

[LeadHead]

Hello everyone! Sorry about missing last weekend, trying to see if I can make it to the end of 2013 without doing that again.

First up to the plate, we have the "But where's the monolith?" Award, going to:

Picard: Worf, notify Starfleet, we've found Commander Bowman.

Next, we have the "Won't make it past drinks" Award, going to:

K'Ehleyr: "What the hell kind of dating service is this, anyway!"
Dating counselor (OS): "Hey, you said you wanted a lawyer! He's the only lawyer in our database!"

Next, we have the "Clue: The Next Generation" Award, going to:

Crusher: According to these tricorder readings it was Colonel Mustard in Ten Forward with this shrapnel shard.

Next, we have the "Life is tough" Award, going to:

FEMALE EXTRA: Well, insubstantial ghost beats being in a weird alien costume.
MALE EXTRA: Yeah, but at least the alien costume was fire-retardant.

Next, we have the "Not how he wanted Riker to find out" Award, going to:

Riker: This tricorder must be broken. It's detecting Betazoid life signs in your quarters

CRUSHER: Chief medical officer's log. Like all good investigators, I've just finished touching everything at the site of the strange accident with my bare hands. If they start falling off within 24 hours, I'll know it was dangerous.

Picard: They keep telling me that the captain's chair will kill me..
Worf: I think the disruptors to the chest helped.

Many thanks to everyone who participated and congrats to our winners!

New contest!

Enjoy!

 

[Gil T.Azell]

Ensign Blondie: "Tie me up big boy!"

 

[LeadHead]

Picard: Okay, maybe we shouldn't have made fun of Worf, made him storm out and before he taught anybody else how to fire the phasers.

Picard: And I'd like to salute Commander Riker and Counselor Troi, who are here this evening, working on the crew evaluations, deciding who will get the 4 promotions of the year.

Yar: I think we're off course, Captain.

Picard: I think you've got the ship in reverse, Lieutenant.

Worf did not enjoy playing Call of Duty against Data.

Worf: For Klingons, the gift of random stuff from the dollar store is quite romantic.

 

[Jonas Grumby]

TFTW, LeadHead!

Picard: "You know, Number One, if this were a pirate ship, all the female crew members would be my 'wenches,' and I could do whatever I pleased with them--"
Riker: "Uh, Captain, maybe the bridge isn't the best place to have this conversation."

Data: "Yeesh! My Spacebook alter ego, 'Teenybopper Tina,' just got a particularly crude proposition from some online degenerate!"
Worf: "Oh my God! You're Teenybopper Tina?!"

Worf: "By Klingon tradition, I demonstate my affection for you by presenting you with the scalp of my former lover. Wear it well!"

 

[Avro Arrow]

Riker didn't quite know how to tell Picard he just "butt-photonned" Starbase 214 out of existence...

 

[Nerys Myk]

PICARD: No temporal anomalies. No warp core breaches. No diplomatic crisis. Damn peculiar week, Number One.

WORF: This tribble pelt has been in my family for years. I'd like you to have it.

RIKER: Ever notice how Captain Jean-Douche Picard never sits with us "lower lifeforms"?

He's right behind me, isn't he?

PICARD: We don't call it "the button that makes it go", Lt. Yar.

 

[Avro Arrow]

After only seeing LaForge and Picard, Riker was already beginning to regret volunteering to judge this year's Casual Pose Contest.

Yar: According to this, we're *inside* the Klingon homeworld!

Picard: Damn Apple maps!

 

[Nerys Myk]

WORF: Psst. What's the answer to question six?

 

[Avro Arrow]

LaForge: I've isolated the problem with the computer, Data. Someone has uploaded 47 gigaquads of something called... "tribble furry porn"?
Data: That is decidedly non-regulation, lieutenant. Please purge it immediately.
Worf (thinking): NNNOOO!! I know where you sleep, you miserable petaQ!

 

[Nebusj]

``Um … not Betazeds, not Bolians … The Buggles? … OK, I give up, Number One what do you spy with your little eye that starts with a `B'?''

Hey, in the far right of the screen there --- when did Wolverine join the Enterprise crew?

``Very good, Lieutenant, and your hand position and fingering are considerably improved. Now, let's increase the tempo by four beats per minute and see how you do on `Jingle Bells'. Then we'll practice your intervals and do a few minutes of arpeggio and don't neglect your foot-pedal work.''

``Geordi --- Commander Data is growing considerably in size!''
``Worf, I've told you this before, he's not bigger, he's just nearer the camera than we are.''

``And what do the pie charts on the console behind us represent?''
``They record the ship's last known charting of pies, sir.''

 

[Triskelion]

LaForge: Dammit, there's that glare again! Where's it coming from??

Picard: Oh look at me! I'm Number One. I wax my slide trombone in my quarters alone and cry myself to sleep.
Riker: You don't wax a trombone, sir.
Picard: I defer to your expertise, Number One.

Yar: Click it.
Picard: Wait, it says "We received your request for information. Before we begin sending you the course corrections you requested, we want to be certain we have your permission. CONFIRM BY VISITING THE LINK BELOW -"
Yar: Just click it.
Picard: "Click the link above to give us permission to send you information. It's fast and easy! If you cannot click the
full URL above, please copy and paste it into your web browser."
Yar: Click it now! Please!
Picard: "If you do not want to confirm, simply ignore this message."
Yar: I SWEAR TO SHAKAREE I WILL STEER US INTO A STAR!

Worf: It was the chair.
Data: Bridge methane levels up ten percent.
Geordi: Ooh, The colors....

Ensign: If you make love the way you repair ODN networks, I hope your girlfriend's Brazilian. Just sayin'.

 

[Avro Arrow]

Picard (singing): Today I don't feel like doin' anything...
Riker (thinking): I *really* wish Starfleet Command would consider blocking YouTube!

Worf: Congratulations, you have succeeded in your quest and have returned with the fleece of the rare albino targ. As your reward, please accept these 200 darseks and 1500 XP.

Yar: Captain! Come see this! Quickly!
Picard: What is it, lieutenant? Navigational hazard? Enemy warship? Subspace anomaly?
Yar: No sir! This odometer's about to roll back over to all zeroes!

Worf: Commander! A hostile military force appears to have infiltrated our computer! Our hard drive is being read by somebody called General Protection Fault!

 

[bbjeg]

Picard: Again?
Riker: Someone has to sit Geordi down and explain to him that this isn't engineering.

Picard: Mind if I join you?
Riker: Yes.

Picard: I should put you on helms, I keep feeling that security will be the death of you.

Data: Most likely.
Worf: A token WHAT!?!
Gerodi: *gulp*

Worf: But first put this on your head and say your Andorian.

 

[shivkala]

Thanks for the win, Leadhead!

Picard: Captain's Log: Once again, after the Federation film crew has left, our lives have become suddenly boring. I am beginning to think that they are deliberately setting up situations that will make for good television. I am increasingly disillusioned with just how fake "reality" televids have become.

Riker: The Federation has been free of an economic system that requires money in exchange for goods and services for almost 100 years now and the Captain still thinks it's funny to walk into Ten-Forward and yell, "Hey everybody, drinks are on me!"

Troi: You're just jealous you didn't think of it first.

Picard: What's wrong with it?!

Yar: I've lost the bleeps, I lost the sweeps, and I lost the creeps.

Picard: The what?

Riker: The what?

Picard: And the what?

Yar: You know, the bleeps... [Makes beeping noise]... the sweeps... [Makes vibrating noise] and the creeps. [Makes squeaking noise]

Picard: [Quietly, to Riker] That's not all she's lost.

Yar: Sir! The sensors, sir! It appears to be... [Raspberry jam starts flowing through the console] jammed!

Picard: Jammed... [Examines the jam and tastes it] Raspberry. There's only one man... [Riker gets out of the way of the approaching camera] ...who would dare give me the raspberry! Q!

Worf: I cannot believe he gave all three of us detention! It was the android who made the joke!

Data: Observing that the glare from the Captain's head was blocking my view of the console was not intended as a joke.

Worf: In anticipation of our date, I have purchased you a traditional human gift. It's a merkin, I am lead to believe that human females often wear these...

Crewmember: Worf, I know you were raised on Earth by human parents. Stop using the fact that you are a Klingon as an excuse to ask for kinky stuff and try to cover it up with the whole, "But, I'm an alien, I didn't know," excuse.

Worf: ...

Crewmember: Besides, I'm into way more kinky stuff than this...

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Picard: "Good evening, all! I thought I'd drop by to have a few drinks with my fellow crewmates, and maybe regale you all with some tales of my amorous adventures with Vash on Risa!"
Troi: "Oh. My. God."

 

[Holdfast]

TFTW! And don't worry about missing a week; it's just nice to get a new contest!

RIKER: Haemorrhoids?
PICARD: If I sit just like this, it's OK.

PICARD (thinking to himself): Damn. Every table's full, except the one with the weird dude from Deck 4. I really don't want to sit with him; he's always so awkward. And look, everyone else knows I have to sit there. They actually laughing at me. Bastards. When I get back to the bridge, they're all going on report...

PICARD: New caption contest, Lieutenant?
TASHA: Yes, Captain. And I'm in this one, so expect jokes about my sex life and my untimely death.
PICARD: And your hair Tasha; don't forget your hair.

WORF: You're cheating! The captain said, no copying!!

ENSIGN: You do realise, this means we're married now.
WORF (thinking): Now I understand why K'Ehyler found that so annoying.

 

[inflatabledalek]

Picard: So... Who has gone and left their gum stuck to the tactical console?

Picard: Here's to the finest crew in the fleet!

Everyone: YAY!

Picard: ...and when we rendezvous with the Hood I'll be buying them all a drink.

Picard: Yes, the whole crew has heard about your penalty box, I'd stop going on about it if I were you.

John Hurt, David Tennant and Matt Smith before going into make up.

Ensign: Are you sure this isn't important?

Worf: Nah, it's just the equipment that stops the Ferengi making us look like complete and utter idiots. How much are we likely to need that on this mission?

 

[Triskelion]

Geordi: Wow, he wasn't kidding - the Captain really can do Worf's job with his ass.
Picard: It's how Starfleet promotes you to Captain after you master the First Officer stinknuts maneuver.

 

[milo bloom]

WORF: Psst. What's the answer to question six?

Geordi (whispering): Slow down!

 

[Avro Arrow]

Picard: And now we'll do Frère Jacques... as a round! To start us off... just the empaths!
Troi: I want a transfer.

Worf: ... and you must wear this wig, and call me "Link" at all times.
Ensign: I want a transfer.

Picard: You know, Number One, things have gotten rather lax on this ship. I'm thinking of implementing a "no fraternization" policy between crewmembers.
Riker: I want a transfer.

LaForge (reading): Effective immediately, all Enterprise crewmembers are expected to take part in the Adopt-a-Tribble program.
Worf: I want a transfer.

Picard: And here's where Data posted the video of your night together. Oh, and look, here's where he's opened it up for comments by the rest of the crew!
Yar: I want a... actually, you can just kill me off.
Picard: Hmm... anthropomorphic oil slick?
Yar: That'd be lovely.