TNG Caption This #213: Timing is Everything.

[LeadHead]

Happy Friday everyone! Hope you all had a good week! Lets get the bridge lights back on and open the gifts!

Our first award is the "Simple Explanations" Award going to:

Data: "I have run a level three diagnostic. All systems appear normal. The EPS flow to the bridge is within normal parameters. Control systems and internal monitors are operating within established Starfleet norms... I am at a loss."

Picard: "Co-ordinate with Engineering. Run a level five diagnostic on the tertiary EPS manifold. Have LaForge tear down the whole conduit if necessary."

Riker: "Have you tried changing the bulb?"

...
...

Data: "Damn!"

Next, the "Shift in Musical Style" Award goes to:

Picard: What's wrong with Data?"

Worf: "Ron Jones just left the show."

Next, the "Watch your language...until the doors close" Award goes to:

Picard: Why is that child hiding in the turbolift?
Worf: You did tell him to get off your bridge.
Picard: I meant for him to GO somewhere.
Wesley: Where, sir?
Picard: I can't say that in front of children.

Next, the "Try the door on the right" Award goes to:

PICARD: I wish there was someplace where we could have these conversations in private.

Next, the "Suckers!" Award goes to:

Data: "I must confess that my pregnancy was just a ruse to get baby shower gifts. It has worked splendidly."

Our Photoshop award goes to:

Worf: You go first Wesley. You're the least likely to get your ass kicked

Even in the 24th Century, some couldn't resist the temptation to be backseat drivers.

Congrats to all of our winners!

Now, lets go again!

 

[LeadHead]

La Forge: Give me a haircut that'll make the ladies love me.

Barber: Okay, but this may just lead to bad romance episodes.

[Insert Obligatory Fart Joke Here]

La Forge: She's looking at me!

Data: Nope, she's looking at me. So long, sucker.

Picard: Number One, Worf respects me too much to sit in my chair in the observation- Oh never mind.

Beverly: We mixed up the test results. Data wasn't pregnant. You are.

 

[The Green Monster]

Geordi: What's this?
Mott: A hairstyle I saw in my daughter's holoprogram
Geordi: What holoprogram?
Mott: An old Earth educational program promoting reading on a motion picture device. Reading...Rain something.
Geordi: *

 

[Jonas Grumby]

LaForge: "I dunno. In the 400-nanometer ultraviolet range, it still looks uneven."

 

[Zombie Cheerleader]

MOTT:Fade? What am I supposed to do? Install a cloaking device?

 

[Herkimer Jitty]

Geordi: "Sure, it looks good now, but what about when I'm rolling under a blast door?"

Negotiations with the Planet of The Trolls tended to frustrate diplomats while delivering shock and awe to Starfleet officers.

Data slaps Geordi's commbadge and imitates his voice.

Data: "Bridge, this is Geordi. Picard's a giant gorilla chode and Riker has pubes on his face! Haw haw!"

Geordi: "You suck, Data."

Worf: "At 0500 we will kill any member of the crew wearing red. I will set a course for the Andromeda Galaxy as soon as I take command. Lwaxana Troi must never be allowed to board this ship again."

Beverely: "The test results are in. Turns out you're not actually empathic. Just stupid."

 

[Supernuke]

Worf: I have called this meeting because all of you have been spending too much time looking at yourselves in the mirror. Curious, the captain was supposed to be here...

 

[Herkimer Jitty]

Data: "Hey ladies."

Geordi: "We are two wild and crazy guys!"

 

[Expo67]

Tan Elbrun catching a whiff after 'cutting the cheese' on the bridge.

 

[BlobVanDam]

Geordi - You're lucky we live in a moneyless society, because I'm not paying for an '80s hightop.

Geordi - What did he say to me?
Data - I believe it was a derogatory comment about your ocular abilities and skin colour.
Geordi - Oh good, I thought he was insulting my hightop. I was ready to kick that Bolian's ass.

Picard - HEY, only I can make a Captain's log on the bridge.

Worf - Oh, look at me! I'm the captain! I'm French but I'm British and I'm bald and old and I'm the most respected captain in Starfleet even though everyone on the internet laughs at that facepalm pic Data took with his iPhone................. he's right behind me, isn't he?

Crusher - I'm afraid you've both contracted a very rare space disease. I can give you a hypospray to cure it, but you'll still suffer the symptoms for the next day or so. The symptoms are bloating and an aged appearance.
Riker - Well make it quick Doc, I need to go to the holodeck and think over this Pegasus thing.

 

[T'Girl]

Worf: "Incredible."
Picard: "Most erotic."
Riker: "That the most intense lesbian performance I ever seen."
Deanna: "Nothing in my own vast and varied sexual adventures compares to this."
Wesley: "The only person who possibly wouldn't like this is the new homosexual crewman the powers that be have written into the script at fan insistence.

.

Deanna: "I don't know what you're both talking about."
Riker: "We've search the sick bay quite carefully."
Deanna: "I still don't see."
Crusher: "There's no where else for the hypospray to be Deanna, just hand it over."

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Tam Elbrun's attempt at stand-up comedy was a real Groener.

 

[Isis]

[Insert Obligatory Fart Joke Here]

[If Fart Jokes are all taken, acceptable to substitute with Diarrhea Medicine Variant]

 

[The Green Monster]

[Insert Obligatory Fart Joke Here]

[If Fart Jokes are all taken, acceptable to substitute with Diarrhea Medicine Variant]

[if that fails, insert a D/T joke]

[if all fails, insert "Shut Up, Wesley"]

 

[flandry84]

Crews reaction to ""two bolians--one cup""

 

[Smellincoffee]

When Picard ordered the viewscreen to display the bridge, the crew's reactions to their uniforms were near-universal.

Picard, to Riker: Worf would never conspire against us, Will, he's-..
Riker: ...only presiding over a council of mutineers as "Lord Worf"?

LaForge: Bitch, you did NOT just call LEAH BRAHM's WORK DERIVATIVE!
Data: Easy, my man. I got this.

 

[Isis]

Barber: "Trust me. The Vulcan bowl cut wouldn't have worked."

 

[Isis]

Crusher: "I'm so sorry, Deanna. I ran all the tests, and they were conclusive."

Troi: "So what do I have?"

Crusher: "I feel terrible having to tell you this, but you have a case of terminal vanity."

 

[Zombie Cheerleader]

WORF: The Captain's going to be waiting a long time, Riker just went in and he had the all you can eat special in Ten Forward for lunch.

 

[Zombie Cheerleader]

LAFORGE: Isnt that Ensign Jones with Commander Riker? She said something suddenly came up and couldn't go out..

DATA: Looks like that something was Commander Riker...if you know what I mean.