*facepalm* I thought I'd posted this in MISC. But I posted it in the AL. Dammit. It's hard to read when your crying.
Today I had an epiphany, and not one that I really wanted to have. To give you all a bit of a background, I quit my job with the state back on Jan 31st, giving my notice on Dec 4th. I did that because I was having anxiety attacks, and having a definite end point where I knew the constant attacks from my supervisor and the finger pointing that was going to happen when the EPA came in to audit the Stimulus/ ARRA funds would go away gave me a sense that I could actually go into my office in the morning without crying myself into a stupor.
I also promised my doctor after months of changing my antidepressants and giving me Lunesta and Xanax that I was taking control of my life and trying to find a better quality of life. I finally got the nerve up to send in my head shots and resumes to acting agents in Austin and Dallas. I got some nibbles about a week after I did so, I so I felt confident that I was going the right direction in changing my life and chasing my dreams.
Just so I wouldn’t be faced with living on the street, it decided to go towards my real estate licencse, and I’ll be taking the exam on March 8th. I am completely freaked out over the exam, since I haven’t taken a qualifying exam since about 1998 when I took the GRE for grad school. I’m scared I’ll fail it and it’ll take several tries ($61 a pop and the days I have to wait between rescheduling).
Let me tell you: changing your life like this is totally nerve wracking. I still have some anxiety at times because I’m second guessing myself and I’m worried if things really will work out like I desperately want them to. So I’m emotionally vulnerable these days, and I need support from the people I consider close to me. I’ve had to cash out my 401(k) since I didn’t have time to store up $$ because of how quickly the state job went down hill and totally unbearable, and while I wait for that check, I’m having to tighten the belt like crazy. I had to let my cable go because I couldn’t pay it, but other than that I’ve managed to be pretty okay. I also had to stop taking acting lessons, because I couldn't afford them and the 2 month wait between contacting an agent and actually getting one led me to believe I totally had made the mistake of my life.
In the past 2 weeks I have found out that one person I considered a friend is separated from her husband, another had to move this week for a job in Denver, and a third broke up with her boyfriend of 8 months. Despite being pretty much on the negative side myself, I’ve bent over backwards to be there for these people, listening to them while drunk, going to a farewell party on Ash Wednesday, and just being there to listen.
While at these parties, I was elbowed out of the pictures, ignored, and I’ve had to listen to this BS story of “Your name came up when my boyfriend and I broke up. I was going to have you list my condo, but since you don’t have your license he decided I was stalling and he dumped me.” Really, so the fact that I’m having doubts about my future is like, inconvenient for you, and I’m supposed to feel bad about it? Jeez, self centered much?????
I don’t go to all of their outings, mostly because I’m trying to save money (don’t have the security blanket of a steady paycheck), and I’m just waiting for the “well, you don’t do to all the events” excuse. No, I’m just not part of your clique. My “problem” is that I refused to even join one of your little middle school cliques in the first place and I’m paying for it.
I had a couple of “friends” from my improv class who I used to eat lunch with every Wednesday. I really treasured their friendship and looked forward to venting with them every week. A couple of weeks ago, I think I got a pass from one of them, and I’ve felt uncomfortable around him ever since. I made a comment to the other one a couple of weeks ago, not mentioning the pass and I get a “You should really be more grateful to S for what he’s done for you” lecture from her. I was so shocked and I felt like she slapping me.
In January, desperate for even money to pay my rent (which I later had to borrow from my parents), I begged for a loan from one of my other groups of friends, from a former job I’d had here in town. I thought I was going to be okay, until I get this “Oh, my girlfriend thinks I’m cheating and I’m watched every time I leave the house” BS from him. I haven’t heard back from him since. Except from a snotty Facebok message today detailing “all the stuff I’ve done for you.”
So today I used the money I’ve scraped together to get a much needed massage, and the therapist told me I was very tense. My first thought was, why am I tense? I’m changing my life for the better! Then I realized I’m doing it pretty much on my own—that whole “support system” I thought I had has disappeared since Christmas and I am totally on my own.
So today, given the fact that all of these people in question live in Austin and are all on Facebook I posted a “Get your head out of your ass” message to them. And I pointed out that out of all the friends I’ve had the past decade or so, the only ones I’ve been able to count on for emotional support are the ones I’ve met on the BBS. People who live in New York, Virginia, the Netherlands, Australia, ect… I can’t honestly say I can count at all on the people who I can just pick up the phone and meet at a restaurant 30 minutes later.
I’m done with the whole “Woe is me, I have no friends, nobody likes me, I don’t deserve any friends” BS. I’m a good friend, I’m there for people when they need me. And friendship involves being there for someone when they need a shoulder, even for a moment. So I don’t feel like I’m asking too much for these people to at least act like I’m worth treating with a little bit of respect and support.
So I’ve come to the conclusion, after seeing (big shock) that with a few exceptions the only people who even responded to my outpouring post were BBSers. I need to just drop these douchebags and find some people who are actually willing to support me when needed.
Today I had an epiphany, and not one that I really wanted to have. To give you all a bit of a background, I quit my job with the state back on Jan 31st, giving my notice on Dec 4th. I did that because I was having anxiety attacks, and having a definite end point where I knew the constant attacks from my supervisor and the finger pointing that was going to happen when the EPA came in to audit the Stimulus/ ARRA funds would go away gave me a sense that I could actually go into my office in the morning without crying myself into a stupor.
I also promised my doctor after months of changing my antidepressants and giving me Lunesta and Xanax that I was taking control of my life and trying to find a better quality of life. I finally got the nerve up to send in my head shots and resumes to acting agents in Austin and Dallas. I got some nibbles about a week after I did so, I so I felt confident that I was going the right direction in changing my life and chasing my dreams.
Just so I wouldn’t be faced with living on the street, it decided to go towards my real estate licencse, and I’ll be taking the exam on March 8th. I am completely freaked out over the exam, since I haven’t taken a qualifying exam since about 1998 when I took the GRE for grad school. I’m scared I’ll fail it and it’ll take several tries ($61 a pop and the days I have to wait between rescheduling).
Let me tell you: changing your life like this is totally nerve wracking. I still have some anxiety at times because I’m second guessing myself and I’m worried if things really will work out like I desperately want them to. So I’m emotionally vulnerable these days, and I need support from the people I consider close to me. I’ve had to cash out my 401(k) since I didn’t have time to store up $$ because of how quickly the state job went down hill and totally unbearable, and while I wait for that check, I’m having to tighten the belt like crazy. I had to let my cable go because I couldn’t pay it, but other than that I’ve managed to be pretty okay. I also had to stop taking acting lessons, because I couldn't afford them and the 2 month wait between contacting an agent and actually getting one led me to believe I totally had made the mistake of my life.
In the past 2 weeks I have found out that one person I considered a friend is separated from her husband, another had to move this week for a job in Denver, and a third broke up with her boyfriend of 8 months. Despite being pretty much on the negative side myself, I’ve bent over backwards to be there for these people, listening to them while drunk, going to a farewell party on Ash Wednesday, and just being there to listen.
While at these parties, I was elbowed out of the pictures, ignored, and I’ve had to listen to this BS story of “Your name came up when my boyfriend and I broke up. I was going to have you list my condo, but since you don’t have your license he decided I was stalling and he dumped me.” Really, so the fact that I’m having doubts about my future is like, inconvenient for you, and I’m supposed to feel bad about it? Jeez, self centered much?????
I don’t go to all of their outings, mostly because I’m trying to save money (don’t have the security blanket of a steady paycheck), and I’m just waiting for the “well, you don’t do to all the events” excuse. No, I’m just not part of your clique. My “problem” is that I refused to even join one of your little middle school cliques in the first place and I’m paying for it.
I had a couple of “friends” from my improv class who I used to eat lunch with every Wednesday. I really treasured their friendship and looked forward to venting with them every week. A couple of weeks ago, I think I got a pass from one of them, and I’ve felt uncomfortable around him ever since. I made a comment to the other one a couple of weeks ago, not mentioning the pass and I get a “You should really be more grateful to S for what he’s done for you” lecture from her. I was so shocked and I felt like she slapping me.
In January, desperate for even money to pay my rent (which I later had to borrow from my parents), I begged for a loan from one of my other groups of friends, from a former job I’d had here in town. I thought I was going to be okay, until I get this “Oh, my girlfriend thinks I’m cheating and I’m watched every time I leave the house” BS from him. I haven’t heard back from him since. Except from a snotty Facebok message today detailing “all the stuff I’ve done for you.”
So today I used the money I’ve scraped together to get a much needed massage, and the therapist told me I was very tense. My first thought was, why am I tense? I’m changing my life for the better! Then I realized I’m doing it pretty much on my own—that whole “support system” I thought I had has disappeared since Christmas and I am totally on my own.
So today, given the fact that all of these people in question live in Austin and are all on Facebook I posted a “Get your head out of your ass” message to them. And I pointed out that out of all the friends I’ve had the past decade or so, the only ones I’ve been able to count on for emotional support are the ones I’ve met on the BBS. People who live in New York, Virginia, the Netherlands, Australia, ect… I can’t honestly say I can count at all on the people who I can just pick up the phone and meet at a restaurant 30 minutes later.
I’m done with the whole “Woe is me, I have no friends, nobody likes me, I don’t deserve any friends” BS. I’m a good friend, I’m there for people when they need me. And friendship involves being there for someone when they need a shoulder, even for a moment. So I don’t feel like I’m asking too much for these people to at least act like I’m worth treating with a little bit of respect and support.
So I’ve come to the conclusion, after seeing (big shock) that with a few exceptions the only people who even responded to my outpouring post were BBSers. I need to just drop these douchebags and find some people who are actually willing to support me when needed.
