Throw things or silence?

[Mr. Laser Beam]

The "hit someone or burst out crying" is something I struggle with.

I've never been tempted to hit anyone but the crying part I am quite good at. But never in front of anyone. I suffer in silence for the most part...I think I've raised panicking to an art form.

Man is stressed as the family home is being sold and he will miss it dreadfully

Maybe that's the reason. Sometimes we guys can freak out and just lash out at whoever's handy when it's clearly not their fault. He wasn't angry at YOU, he was just angry. You just happened to be there for him to be angry at. (Thank you, Red Green. )

 

[K'Ehleyr]

The question is: Why exactly did he call you a stupid cow?

It's going to sound so stupid and I give you all full permission to laugh...
I do have a very strong relationship with Man and we enjoy at least 10 mins of cuddles before sleep and in the morning.
So this morning, woken early by the cat, we had time to go back to sleep and Man was doing our 'Rock-a-bye-Pilsey' (that's my nickname) song and when he got to 'the cradle will drop Pilsey and all', I cried out ~ I was in his arms and he pretended to drop me, I was half asleep and just yelped.
That's when he told me I was a stupid cow.
OK you are the jury!

Beat him up. Women are still allowed to hit.

Sometimes I wish I allowed more Klingon within me.

I hope it wasn't because she told him to mooooooooove over.

Maybe she felt that Man(ure) was just feeding her a line of bull? She probably couldn't take an udder minute of it.

Oh well... As he pasture in the hallway, he should just leather be for awhile and hopefully never steer each other wrong.

You are not welcome in this thread ~ Mooooooooove on

So this morning Man called me 'a stupid cow'!
[...]
So I'm sulking. I'm on strike for cooking, cleaning, sex and talking.
What do you do in this situation? Would you insult back? Shout and have a huge row? Have a cold war?

The best solution is to try and repair and strengthen your relationship. What you don't want to do is go on strike, have some guilt present bought for you, and for him to use that gift to coerce you into forgiveness.


What motivated him to say these words to you we do not know. Was it in response to something you said or did?

My first feeling is that it is just a saying, and he may not have meant it as literally/cruelly as you have taken it. The meaning behind his words may be nothing more than him disliking something you did/said.

But at the same time, you dislike the words he has used to express himself, and he should be made clear that you dislike them.

If I were in your situation I would explain this to him something like this

If you dislike [whatever it was I did/said], then I expect you to express yourself more politely in the future, and to take time to explain why you dislike something if it matters to you that much.

Besides being impolite and down right disrespectful, to label me 'a stupid cow' is unhelpful. It doesn't help me to understand your opinions. It doesn't help our relationship.

See above reply to JR. We will talk it over. It will be resolved. We will talk but I do not want to be the one that apoligises first, which is usual, even if it is not my fault.

I do think I'm being a bit childish now. Man has phoned twiced already and I haven't answered.

Should I answer the next call?

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

You are not welcome in this thread ~ Mooooooooove on

i sowwy

I do not want to be the one that apoligises first, which is usual, even if it is not my fault.

That's normal. No one ever wants to apologize first.

Except me, of course. I will apologize before the fight even starts. (Not kidding.)

Should I answer the next call?

Yep.

 

[K'Ehleyr]

You are not welcome in this thread ~ Mooooooooove on

i sowwy

I do not want to be the one that apoligises first, which is usual, even if it is not my fault.

That's normal. No one ever wants to apologize first.

Except me, of course. I will apologize before the fight even starts. (Not kidding.)

Should I answer the next call?

Yep.

You're very welcome really MLB

So what if he doesn't ring again tonight?
How long should I leave it before I cave in and phone him?

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

^ You let him wait this long...now it's time to ease his pain.

 

[kes7]

Okay, now that I've heard the story, I'd have been all over that and let him know EXACTLY why I was pissed. In no uncertain terms. Immediately. And then moved on. (Unless such behavior is some sort of pattern with him, in which case I probably wouldn't drop it too quickly.)

I'm not much for the silent treatment. I save it for those moments when I know whatever I'm about to say might actually end the marriage. Which is really, really rare. I'm the "let's have it out and get over it" type, for sure. (Unfortunately, my husband is the opposite, but this is your thread, so we'll not go there.)

 

[Jan]

One of the hardest things in the world is to have an adult relationship. One of the facets of those is to never let the hurtful words pass your lips. And in this case, you probably should have let Man know right then and there that what he said was absolutely unacceptable and that you never wanted to hear that or anything similar. Ever. Then drop it and do your best to forget it unless it happens again.

He may have thought he was only teasing but if it hurts you, then it's unacceptable and he needs to apologize. Heck, if he'll say something like that in play then I shudder to think what he might say in anger.

Jan

 

[Cornholio]

kick him in the 'nads!

seriously though, talk about it. and umm, as soon as possible. don't let it fester and stuff.




and if talkin' doesn't straighten him out - then kick him in the nads.

 

[K'Ehleyr]

Okay, now that I've heard the story, I'd have been all over that and let him know EXACTLY why I was pissed. In no uncertain terms. Immediately. And then moved on. (Unless such behavior is some sort of pattern with him, in which case I probably wouldn't drop it too quickly.)

I'm not much for the silent treatment. I save it for those moments when I know whatever I'm about to say might actually end the marriage. Which is really, really rare. I'm the "let's have it out and get over it" type, for sure. (Unfortunately, my husband is the opposite, but this is your thread, so we'll not go there.)

One of the hardest things in the world is to have an adult relationship. One of the facets of those is to never let the hurtful words pass your lips. And in this case, you probably should have let Man know right then and there that what he said was absolutely unacceptable and that you never wanted to hear that or anything similar. Ever. Then drop it and do your best to forget it unless it happens again.

He may have thought he was only teasing but if it hurts you, then it's unacceptable and he needs to apologize. Heck, if he'll say something like that in play then I shudder to think what he might say in anger.

Jan

Thank you so much for your responses.

Kes,
Man does know what he did and he knew that he offended me. Unfortunately he is not a man to say sorry first.
He will grovel ~ with my stiletto heel on his back

Let's just say he's not very experienced with relationships and doesn't know how they work.

Jan,
He is having an emotional time at the moment ~ his family home is being sold and he is dreadfully upset about it. And after 15 years of 'sabatical' ~ if we want to get married and buy a house together he is going to have to get his finger out and get a job! But for a programmer that's been out of the game that long it's a big reach.

He is very disciplined man who likes things 'how they were'. And all this has thrown him into total confussion. We have approached the fact that he may be slightly autistic. Which would explain a lot:
His fear of change.
His failure to express feelings.
His wonderful intelligence.

I'm saying too much, but you must get my drift.

He would not respond to immediate record, as much as I am tempted, it would scare him, and I love him too much to do that.

I have ignored his calls this evening so he knows how I feel.
We will reconcile tomorrow night.

I just wish he would open up to me and say what he feels about the family home etc! And don't get me started on his sister

I am trying to be patient ~ it will work out.
I can see how difficult it is for him. But I'm not putting up with him being rude

 

[K'Ehleyr]

kick him in the 'nads!

seriously though, talk about it. and umm, as soon as possible. don't let it fester and stuff.




and if talkin' doesn't straighten him out - then kick him in the nads.

 

[The Boy Who Cried Worf]

This seems like a case of TLI. What exactly did you do or say right before he called you a stupid cow? What was his tone when he said it? Were you engaging in any type of infantilism sexual play? Maybe that is actually a complement in the world of baby fetishists.

 

[K'Ehleyr]

^ You let him wait this long...now it's time to ease his pain.

It's 1.30am and I haven't caved in and phoned. K'Ehleyr is strong tonight
And sod him ~ he's in the wrong

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

He will grovel ~ with my stiletto heel on his back

Careful - he may enjoy that too much!

 

[K'Ehleyr]

This seems like a case of TLI. What exactly did you do or say right before he called you a stupid cow? What was his tone when he said it? Were you engaging in any type of infantilism sexual play? Maybe that is actually a complement in the world of baby fetishists.

Honey, read the thread!
And as far as I am comfortable with fetishists, we don't indulge ourselves.
Thanks for the observation though.

 

[Kirk's_Tights]

If someone called me a cow, I'd just tell them I'm the sexiest cow ever.

I love when people insult me and I throw back a witty response. They don't know what to say after that.

 

[The Boy Who Cried Worf]

This seems like a case of TLI. What exactly did you do or say right before he called you a stupid cow? What was his tone when he said it? Were you engaging in any type of infantilism sexual play? Maybe that is actually a complement in the world of baby fetishists.

Honey, read the thread!
And as far as I am comfortable with fetishists, we don't indulge ourselves.
Thanks for the observation though.

Oh, okay. Missed that post. I see it has nothing to do with infantilism. I think it does have a lot to do with suedism. You've heard of plushies? Well this is something new. It is for people who line to dress up as short haired animals. Your man was actually insinuating a new diresction in your sex life. Glad I could be of service.

 

[greenguy]

Throw a fit and FIGHT. Don't be passive-aggressive. If your significant other pisses you off, you tell him why it hurts you and why he is wrong. Hell, do this with everyone you know. It is productive and honest and saves lots of time, drama, and anxiety. If one of my friends is disrespectful or hurts me, they better believe they are going to hear about it. I can think of two people on this forum who can attest to this.

I agree with Sidious who said earlier in the thread that the passive bullshit erodes relationships---it really does. Don't play games like the silent treatment. Be the half-Klingon that you are: bitch him out, threaten him with a bath'leth, but leave him alive to see if he dare says it again

 

[Tiberius]

Next time during sex, just as he's about to finish, jump up and say you gotta go to the loo.

That'll learn him!

 

[sidious618]

Throw a fit and FIGHT. Don't be passive-aggressive. If your significant other pisses you off, you tell him why it hurts you and why he is wrong. Hell, do this with everyone you know. It is productive and honest and saves lots of time, drama, and anxiety. If one of my friends is disrespectful or hurts me, they better believe they are going to hear about it. I can think of two people on this forum who can attest to this.

I agree with Sidious who said earlier in the thread that the passive bullshit erodes relationships---it really does. Don't play games like the silent treatment. Be the half-Klingon that you are: bitch him out, threaten him with a bath'leth, but leave him alive to see if he dare says it again

I'm not one for angrily screaming but you're generally right here.

 

[K'Ehleyr]

So I spoke to Man this morning. Explained why I didn't answer his calls last night.
He told me I was over-reacting and should have just punched him.
Be sure that will happen next time ~ actually I have one in lieu.
Also told me it wasn't stupid cow, it was silly cow ~ so that makes it all better
That is all.