The stigma of being a virgin loner (must end)

[Theodore Jay Miller]

I think this is true for most people, but I have heard of some people (in rare circumstances) being solitary and largely asexual (having little to no care/desire for sex or intimacy).

That would be me. I'm a 53-year-old male virgin, and asexual; I've just never been interested in having sex with anyone. And I've found that while I've liked dating someone once or twice a week, a more full-time relationship is too much for me.

 

[trekkiedane]

By The Way, does anyone else think Sex Crutch sounds like a name for a really cool Classic Rock Band?

Sounds more like an adult toy to me -OH! ... whatever you do, don't image-google it

What about using crutches IN sex? Could make it interesting.

I think 'different' would be more correct.

Sex isn't immoral or moral. Refusing to have sex until you're married is like refusing to go bowling until you're married -- you're not a better or worse person for it. It doesn't say anything about your moral character.

Right!

 

[Lumi]

Hmm, I would never say that sex is immoral. I didn't mean that at all. But if someone believes that sex outside of marriage is immoral because of their religious beliefs, I wouldn't call it silly to wait until you find that one right person. If you believe that it is, and you can actually do what you feel is right for that long, it is admirable. I suppose I could have worded it better, but I have a hard time communicating my thoughts properly sometimes.

Personally, I could never have casual sex. For me, that part of life really is a sacred thing and it's tied completely to my emotional connection to the (one) person I love. Not necessarily the person I'm married to, as I honestly don't think we'll ever marry anyway.

But I will admit I'm sort of strange that way... I never even considered having sex, or even gave it much thought at all... until I was nearly 18 and had just fallen in love for the first time. I completely ignored boys up to that point when they talked to me. Zero interest in anything like that. I also thought I was asexual for a time in my early 20's, so I completely understand that view as well. I think that for me it was just depression... but yeah.

I don't normally talk about personal stuff like this online. I guess I must feel at home here. O_o

 

[TEACAKE'S PLEATHER DOME]

As someone who sees sex and sexuality in everything, I understand how sex can bolster or destroy a relationship. It is extremely powerful. It is the height of physical intimacy between human beings. Still, for me, the most important aspect of a relationship is trust. If there is love and trust, the physical manifestations will fall into order. I just don't consider the sexual aspect of a relationship as important as everything else.

Trust, once again the flag bearer of successful relationships by those who aren't in them.

Life is much more complex than this. It's a nice idealism, but long term marriages have all kinds of issues and dynamics that can, and sometimes should, derail them and you can have no trust issues. Trust does not fix anything.

 

[TEACAKE'S PLEATHER DOME]

Sorry, of course I did not want to generalize. I merely think that if you are abstinent in young years the desire to relive your missed youth can emerge during your midlife crisis and might overwhelm your one life, one woman principle.

And if you had a whole lot of fun in your young years you might wonder how you got stuck in a marriage where the fun is a distant memory. You can desire to relive your FUN youth as well as your missed youth.

 

[Amaris]

As someone who sees sex and sexuality in everything, I understand how sex can bolster or destroy a relationship. It is extremely powerful. It is the height of physical intimacy between human beings. Still, for me, the most important aspect of a relationship is trust. If there is love and trust, the physical manifestations will fall into order. I just don't consider the sexual aspect of a relationship as important as everything else.

Trust, once again the flag bearer of successful relationships by those who aren't in them.

Life is much more complex than this. It's a nice idealism, but long term marriages have all kinds of issues and dynamics that can, and sometimes should, derail them and you can have no trust issues. Trust does not fix anything.

You may be different. I, however, consider trust to be a crucial element in any meaningful relationship. If I cannot trust the person with whom I am most intimate, physically and emotionally, who can I trust?

 

[TEACAKE'S PLEATHER DOME]

As someone who sees sex and sexuality in everything, I understand how sex can bolster or destroy a relationship. It is extremely powerful. It is the height of physical intimacy between human beings. Still, for me, the most important aspect of a relationship is trust. If there is love and trust, the physical manifestations will fall into order. I just don't consider the sexual aspect of a relationship as important as everything else.

Trust, once again the flag bearer of successful relationships by those who aren't in them.

Life is much more complex than this. It's a nice idealism, but long term marriages have all kinds of issues and dynamics that can, and sometimes should, derail them and you can have no trust issues. Trust does not fix anything.

You may be different. I, however, consider trust to be a crucial element in any meaningful relationship. If I cannot trust the person with whom I am most intimate, physically and emotionally, who can I trust?

You completely miss my point about complexity. It's like posting that oxygen, it really is the crucial element to life. Sure, we all agree, but it's not life in itself. Trust is an element, not the marriage itself.

 

[Amaris]

Trust, once again the flag bearer of successful relationships by those who aren't in them.

Life is much more complex than this. It's a nice idealism, but long term marriages have all kinds of issues and dynamics that can, and sometimes should, derail them and you can have no trust issues. Trust does not fix anything.

You may be different. I, however, consider trust to be a crucial element in any meaningful relationship. If I cannot trust the person with whom I am most intimate, physically and emotionally, who can I trust?

You completely miss my point about complexity. It's like posting that oxygen, it really is the crucial element to life. Sure, we all agree, but it's not life in itself. Trust is an element, not the marriage itself.

You seem to be missing the "for me" and "I, however" words, in my posts, that indicate that my statement is not universal, and pertains more to my point of view.

 

[TEACAKE'S PLEATHER DOME]

I know it's your point of view. I'm saying your point of view is based on an untried idealism. One of my points in my original post in this thread was how people who haven't been in serious long term relationships always post this kind of greeting card stuff in threads about relationships. There's nothing wrong with the ideal, it just lacks any real life depth.

 

[Amaris]

I know it's your point of view. I'm saying your point of view is based on an untried idealism. One of my points in my original post in this thread was how people who haven't been in serious long term relationships always post this kind of greeting card stuff in threads about relationships. There's nothing wrong with the ideal, it just lacks any real life depth.

For you. Each person is different, which is why "tried and true" methods are usually anything but. Trust is very important to me. If I cannot trust my significant other, what else is there of value to the relationship that should hold it together? People make mistakes, certainly, and trust can be regained, but without trust in intimacy, what is there to salvage other than more pain?

 

[horatio83]

Do you think the 25% or 50% of people who cheat at least once on their partner all do not value trust and faithfulness as much as you do? I seriously doubt it. Teacake's point is totally valid, principles are a great thing but this doesn't mean that people always follow them perfectly.
Furthermore people who marry rarely consider stuff like what they will do if they fall in love with somebody else or how they organize their sex life in the later part of life when the he can become impotent or she can lose her sex drive.

 

[Amaris]

Do you think the 25% or 50% of people who cheat at least once on their partner all do not value trust and faithfulness as much as you do? I seriously doubt it. Teacake's point is totally valid, principles are a great thing but this doesn't mean that people always follow them perfectly.
Furthermore people who marry rarely consider stuff like what they will do if they fall in love with somebody else or how they organize their sex life in the later part of life when the he can become impotent or she can lose her sex drive.

Let me repost this:

For you. Each person is different, which is why "tried and true" methods are usually anything but. Trust is very important to me. If I cannot trust my significant other, what else is there of value to the relationship that should hold it together? People make mistakes, certainly, and trust can be regained, but without trust in intimacy, what is there to salvage other than more pain?

Notice where I addressed that particular sticking point? Yes, people make mistakes, and trust can be regained. I have said this already. Quite honestly, I don't know either your or teacake's issue with my statement since I:

1] Consider trust the most important factor in a relationship and gave reasons as to why I felt that way.

2] Made the statement that my viewpoint is not a universally held position.

3] Stated that there is room for mistakes, and that trust can be regained.

It seems you've just ignored all of that and kept right on trucking through.

 

[TEACAKE'S PLEATHER DOME]

I'm just saying you over simplify things J. which is quite common when people haven't been in a long term romantic relationship. It's no different than saying "love is all you need". A pleasant sentiment, but neither practical or useful in the face of real issues.

 

[Amaris]

I'm just saying you over simplify things J. which is quite common when people haven't been in a long term romantic relationship. It's no different than saying "love is all you need". A pleasant sentiment, but neither practical or useful in the face of real issues.

Except that you don't know how complex my statement actually is, or what it entails. Simply taking it as a one off sentiment is not the whole of the statement. Far from it.

 

[Davros]

better stigma than stigmata.

 

[TEACAKE'S PLEATHER DOME]

I'm just saying you over simplify things J. which is quite common when people haven't been in a long term romantic relationship. It's no different than saying "love is all you need". A pleasant sentiment, but neither practical or useful in the face of real issues.

Except that you don't know how complex my statement actually is, or what it entails. Simply taking it as a one off sentiment is not the whole of the statement. Far from it.

I don't care what your theory is. Because it's a theory. Get back to me when you've wrestled with it in practice.

 

[Thestral]

^ Why so hostile?

First of all, I am a man so I can hardly be sexist [towards men] here.

Um, no.

Humor. It is a difficult concept.

3) I swear to God, I am so sick of Trekkies trotting out that Saavik line for every bad joke, ill-conceived pun, or otherwise lame attempt at being clever to justify same. Not directing that all at you, BillJ, but it's become overtired.

Spoilsport. Correct in this particular case, but spoilsport.

 

[TEACAKE'S PLEATHER DOME]

I'm not hostile, I'm just getting blunter and blunter in my responses.

You can kind of do either that or get wordier and wordier. I tend to do the former though.

 

[Amaris]

I'm just saying you over simplify things J. which is quite common when people haven't been in a long term romantic relationship. It's no different than saying "love is all you need". A pleasant sentiment, but neither practical or useful in the face of real issues.

Except that you don't know how complex my statement actually is, or what it entails. Simply taking it as a one off sentiment is not the whole of the statement. Far from it.

I don't care what your theory is. Because it's a theory. Get back to me when you've wrestled with it in practice.

So you're saying until I experience whatever it is you think I should experience, in order to speak on the subject, I shouldn't hold forth on how I feel about it? If that were put into practice, this would be a very quiet thread for all involved.

 

[Captain_Nick]

You know what? I get tired of being told that people are losers unless they have gotten laid/ gotten pussy/ felt the touch of a woman.

Also, I also get tired of the idea that people are "sad" or "pathetic" if they are loners without a girlfriend/boyfriend. I don't need a companion to be happy in life.

I am celibate, and I just want to let out my opinions.

I may disagree with people's lifestyles that involve lots of sex, but at least I disagree respectfully.

Go have sex, get over it