The Light

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by jespah, Dec 23, 2011.

  1. jespah

    jespah Rear Admiral Moderator

    Jun 21, 2011
    Boston, the Gateway to the Galaxy

    “Captain, there's a message coming in from Admiral Black,” Hoshi Sato announced.

    “On screen,” Captain Jonathan Archer said.

    “No, wait. Sir, the Admiral says it's private.”

    “Oh. Well, in that case, I'll take it in my Ready Room. Thanks,” Jonathan walked into his nearby little office. “Okay. Sir, what's the trouble?” he asked, once Admiral Black's familiar face appeared on the screen.

    “I'm afraid I've got some bad news, Jonathan.”


    “Yes. It's about one of your youngest crew members. Crewman Shapiro's had a death in the family.”

    “Oh, well, that's unfortunate, but I'm not following you.”

    “You should tell him personally.”

    “Can't his family?” Jonathan would do it but he didn't love such chores.

    “No, it has to be done as soon as possible, as this is a news story that's going to break, and soon. Better for Shapiro to hear about it from someone he trusts, than via the news wire,” The Admiral said.

    “Well, uh, I guess so. But still, why can't his family tell him?”

    “It's Saturday afternoon on Earth. They won't use communications until sundown. Which is around six hours from now.”

    “Oh. Huh, interesting.”

    “The deceased's name was Rachel Orenstein. She was his great-aunt,” The Admiral said.

    “News story, huh?”

    “Yes. She lived to one hundred and twenty-seven, breaking all previous records. Her death is a news story for sure.”

    “Ah, now I see,” Jonathan said, “I'll take care of it. Archer out.”

    The line went dark. “Ensign Sato,” he punched in another communication. “Get Crewman Shapiro in here, please.”

    “Yes, sir.”


    Ethan Shapiro was nervous, and combed his thick black hair with his fingers a few times. “You, uh, wanted to see me, sir?”

    “Sit down. And, uh, you're not in trouble, Crewman.”

    “Oh, whew. Thank you, sir.”

    “Shapiro, I, I'm sorry to inform you, but your great-aunt has passed away.”

    “Oh. Well, that wasn't exactly unexpected,” Shapiro said, “I take it my folks didn't call because it's Shabbos?”

    “Uh, I suppose so,” Jonathan said, “Are you, we can drop you at a Starbase, you can be back for the funeral.”

    “No, sir. I can't. We always have them in only a few days. So it'll most likely be tomorrow. But there's a, when the gravestone is carved, it's unveiled. And that's its own ceremony. It's in, uh, usually a few months after a death, maybe five or six months later. I'd like to be able to go to that ceremony, sir.”

    “Yes, yes, of course. And, uh, Crewman, if you feel the need, take the rest of the day off. I'll inform Lieutenant Reed.”

    “Thank you. Sir?”

    “Yes, Crewman?”

    “I'd like to, I feel I should say Kaddish. It's our mourning prayer. Is it possible to get in touch with Rabbi Benson?”

    “Yes, of course. I'll have Ensign Sato contact her.”

    “Thank you.”


    Back in his quarters, Ethan paced a little to pass the time. There was a chime. “Come in,” he said.

    “Crewman, I'm sorry to have heard the news,” Lieutenant Reed said, “If there is anything that I can do, you'll tell me, won't you?”

    “Yes, sir, of course. I, you know, I guess when someone is that old, it's so expected. I dunno. It's not that I don't care but I guess I'm not as deeply affected.”

    “I suppose that's understandable,” Reed said, “You cannot say that she was too young. One hundred twenty-seven! It boggles the mind. Think of the things she saw. Did she speak with you about them at all?”

    “Sure, sometimes. Told me about the times before warp drive. Things weren't doing so well on Earth. But she and my Uncle Murray, they had a little farm and they just, you know, they did their best.”

    “Did your aunt have any children?”

    “No. So my Mom and my Uncle Stewart were like her kids, and my sister Angela and me, we were kinda like she'd had grandchildren of her own.”

    There was another chime. “Come in,” Ethan said.

    It was Andrew Miller. “Hey, man, I heard. That's rough. Oh, hi, Lieutenant Reed.”

    “I'd better go,” Reed said, “Remember, take whatever time you need.”


    The door safely closed, Miller asked, “So, uh, did you get to talk to the Starfleet Rabbi yet?”

    “Not yet. I'm trying to figure out how we're gonna get a minyan.”

    “Well, there's you and me, and Bernstein,” Miller said, “And Rosen. That's it, right?”

    “Right. No other Jews on board.”

    The computer chimed. It was Hoshi. “I have your Mom for you. And, Ethan, I'm sorry to hear about your, your grandmother, was it?”

    “Great-aunt. And, thanks.”

    Linda Shapiro smiled wanly at her son, across the light years. “It's been quite a day. I think I've talked to every news service in the solar system when I should have been resting. How are you holding up, sweetie?”

    “I'm doing all right, Ma. The question is: how are you?”

    “Oh, you know me. I'm just doing what needs to be done. Your father's made all the arrangements, and Angie is going to be here. Sorry you won't be able to make it.”

    “I'll get in for the unveiling, Ma, I swear.”

    “Good. Oy, I'd better go. It's this and then Chanukah. You'll remember to light candles, right?”

    “Yes, Ma, of course.”

    “And talk to that nice girl Karin once in a while.”

    Ethan smiled. “Ma!”

    “Uh, hi, Mrs. Shapiro,” Andrew said, coming close to the screen.

    “It's a shonda, so few Jews on board,” she said, “Andrew; you'll call your mother for Chanukah, right?”

    “Uh, yes, of course,” Andrew reddened.

    “Ma! Andrew's already got a Jewish mother. He doesn't need a second one.”

    “I worry,” She said, “Look, all kidding aside, I'm very proud of you. And Aunt Rachel was, too. I love you.”

    “Love you too, Ma,” Ethan closed the channel.

    “What was that all about?” Andrew asked.

    “Oh, now that I'm a sophisticated man of twenty-three, she's trying to set me up with Bernstein. Only Jewish girl on the ship,” Ethan explained.

    “Ha, my mother's trying to do the same. I bet Rosen's Mom is, too.”

    The computer chimed again. It was Hoshi again. “You up for talking to Rabbi Benson, Ethan?”

    “Sure. Bring it on,” he said.

    Rabbi Benson's image filled the screen. She was a woman of about forty. “I'm glad you reached out to me, Ethan. The news wire is full of stories. Your great-aunt was what we call a Woman of Valor. Do you know the hymn?”

    “Yes, of course I do,” Ethan said, “Her price is above rubies, right?”

    “Some translations say pearls but, yes, same difference,” The Rabbi said, “You are, you need to say Kaddish, you know.”

    “Yes, but there aren't enough of us here for a minyan,” Andrew said.

    “The Torah can count as one man,” The Rabbi said, “But that's still not enough, yes?”

    “That's correct,” Ethan said, “There are only four of us. So that leaves us five shy.”

    “Well, this question has been debated by scholars already. There are two ways to go and they are both acceptable for every sect except for Orthodox. You're a Conservative Jew, right?”

    “Right, Rabbi.”

    “Very well,” she said, “When Starfleet was established, this question was decided, as Talmudic scholars determined that there could be occasions when Kaddish would have to be said but a Jew would be, perhaps alone, or with no means of communicating with other Jews. So, you can pray with a quorum, a minyan partly composed of Jews who are linked via communications -- such as we are linked right now. Or you can enlist the help of non-Jewish friends for this specific purpose. Either way will work.”

    “I'll, um, I'll think about it. Can you conduct a little service remotely?” Ethan asked.

    “Sure,” Rabbi Benson said, “Just tell me when.”

    The communications channel closed.

    “You know we'll stand with you, man,” Andrew said.

    “Yeah, thanks, pal. And then there's Chanukah. Huh. I was never as frum as my folks but I do like to celebrate it. I just wonder if it's in bad taste, given what's happened.”

    “Hey, I heard your Mom. She said you were to go ahead and light candles. I bet your aunt would've wanted it that way. So light the damn candles in two nights.”

    “Yeah, you're right.”


    The four of them sat together at dinner. Josh Rosen looked at his tray. “Hmm. Chicken cacciatore. I think. It's not Mom's cooking, I'll tell ya that.”

    “Your mother is probably not a four-star chef,” Karin Bernstein pointed out. “I happen to like Chef's cooking. It's so much better than what we got at the Academy last year.”

    “At least this doesn't have to be fixed up in order to be kosher,” Ethan said.

    “Well, it's all the same to me,” Andrew said, digging in.

    “You don't keep kosher, eh?” asked Josh.

    “No. I'm halfsies,” Andrew explained between bites. “Mom's Reform Jewish; Dad's Presbyterian. No kosher laws and separate dishes in my house. Plus I get both Christmas and Chanukah.”

    “Spoiled brat!” Karin said.

    “I'm just a chunk of diversity, all wrapped up in one neat little package,” Andrew said.

    “Did you guys get eight presents when you were kids?” Josh asked. “Er, pass the pepper.”

    “Sure. And, here you go. But my folks dropped that when I was six or so,” Ethan said, “Probably getting to be too complicated.”

    “Yeah, I think I was eight when that happened,” Karin said.

    “I was five,” Andrew said, “Also found out there was no Santa. It was not a good December.”

    “Awwww,” Karin said.

    “Well, I haven't quite recovered yet,” Andrew said, smiling at her.

    “I think you'll be all right,” she said.

    “Guys, uh, can I be serious for a sec?” Ethan asked.

    “Sure, bro,” Josh said.

    “I wanna do a service; you know, say Kaddish and all, tomorrow night. Okay?”

    “Yeah, of course,” Karin said, “Just tell us where to be.”

    “Uh, my quarters. Nineteen hundred hours, okay?”

    “You got it,” Andrew said.


    The next morning, after breakfast, Ethan spotted Hoshi. “Can, um, can I ask you a favor?”

    “Why, sure,” she said, “Walk with me, I gotta get to the Bridge for shift.”

    “Oh, yeah. Uh, can you read Hebrew?”

    “I'll muddle through,” Hoshi smiled. “Is this about your, your aunt?”

    “Yes. I'm going to, um, I'm gonna hold a little service for her tonight. In, in my quarters. With, uh, other people. This is not, like, a date I'm asking you out on or anything,” Ethan visibly reddened.

    Hoshi smiled. “Don't worry about it. I'll be there.”


    Seven PM rolled around. Nineteen hundred hours. Ethan was in his best dress uniform, with a yarmulke on his head. Karin and Andrew arrived first. “How you doin'?” she asked, kissing Ethan on the cheek.

    “Better now. Good to be with friends. I, I got some people coming to help out.”

    The door chimed, and Karin busied herself letting people in.

    “Do you like her?” Andrew asked.

    “Her? Huh, not the time or the place, bro.”

    “No, I guess not. Just, I, uh, tomorrow night, Chanukah? You better make your move if you're gonna. 'Cause if you don't, I will.”

    Ethan smiled. “Go for it. As if you needed my blessing.”

    Hoshi stood next to Malcolm. Then Karin, Andrew and Josh stood together in Ethan's tiny quarters. The door chimed and Ethan answered it. It was Captain Archer. “I brought a few friends. I understand you needed ten people,” He said, and let in Commander T'Pol, Dr. Phlox and Crewman Hamidi.

    “Oh, hi,” Ethan said, a little taken aback. “Azar, do you know Josh? I think you know Karin and Andrew.”

    “Yes, of course. Engineering, right?” asked Azar Hamidi. “And, I'm sorry for your loss. I can't read Hebrew, but it can't be too different from Arabic, I figure.”

    “Not too different,” Hoshi said, “Here, let me get the channel for you,” She fiddled with the computer's controls. “There.”

    Rabbi Benson was on the little screen. “We are here to say Kaddish and to mourn Rachel Orenstein. Ethan, do you wish to say anything?”

    “Yes, thank you. My Great-Aunt Rachel saw a lot in her long life. She went from an Earth where people could barely get it together to seeing us go out here into the unknown. She used to tell me it was a little like wandering in the desert for forty years. You know, you're not sure where you're going, but you trust that wherever you get is going to be good. And I think it's been good. And I'm glad she got a chance to see that. She was like a link to the past. And now it's time to, to say good-bye and look to the new. Rabbi, I'd like to say Kaddish now.”

    “Yes. Yis'gadal v'yis'kadash sh'may ra'bbo, amen ...,” began Rabbi Benson.

    “Thank you, Rabbi,” Ethan said when the prayer concluded. “My aunt would have wanted me to celebrate Chanukah tomorrow. So I'd like to wish you and yours a Good Yontif.”

    “Good Yontif to you. Benson out.”

    “What happens next?” asked Jonathan.

    “Well, usually we eat something. But I think we can forego that,” Ethan said.

    “Tomorrow, use the Observation Lounge for your celebration,” Captain Archer suggested.

    “And, um, feel free to come, everyone,” Ethan said, “I, I'm not much of a host. But I do want to thank you all for caring enough to do this. So if I can, um, if I can repay it with a few latkes tomorrow, well, I hope you'll come.”

    “Wouldn't miss it for the world,” Azar said.


    “Do you have everything?” Karin asked Josh.

    “Yeah. Chef made latkes and there's sour cream and applesauce. And somebody wanted ketchup. Ugh.”

    “That would be me,” Karin said.


    “I eat ketchup on matzoh brei, too. Wanna make something of it?”

    “Uh, no, that's okay,” Josh said, “Oh, and check this out,” He produced a small pouch and emptied its contents onto a table.

    “Holy cow!” Karin exclaimed. “You got dreidels!”

    “Yep. My Dad sent them over from Mars. But I don't have any gelt to bet with.”

    “Oh, I think we'll think of something to use,” she said.

    Ethan arrived. “I got the menorah. And I got candles,” he said, placing them on the table. “You'll do the honors, tonight, Miss Bernstein?”

    “Yes, of course, Crewman Shapiro, if we're being oh so formal this evening,” she smiled.

    “We don't have gelt,” Josh complained.

    “That's okay. Maybe we can bet on the dreidel game with latkes,” Ethan suggested.

    “If I lose, someone will eat my latke,” Karin complained.

    “Then don't lose,” Josh said.

    Andrew came in. “A moment, lady and gentlemen!” he announced, and then went to the nearest computer. “Ensign Sato, if you please,” Music began to play through the computer's speakers. “You want a party, you got a party. Andrew Miller won't let ya down.”

    “This is contemporary stuff,” Karin said, her hand cocked on her hip.

    “So? I got other stuff. Don't worry. You'll get to dance a hora, Missy.”

    Azar arrived. “I didn't realize this is a gift-giving holiday,” he apologized.

    “Oh, no problem,” Ethan said, “We're all grown-ups here. No need.”

    “Well, I brought this,” Azar said, producing a jar of Iranian olives. “Got 'em the last time I was on Earth.”

    “Oh, these will be great!” Karin gushed. “Here, um, can you open this?”

    “Allow me,” Andrew said, doing the deed.

    Ethan turned away, smiling. “What does that mean?” Azar asked.

    “He gets to be gallant. Oh, man, he's gonna be insufferable.”

    “She's a pretty girl,” said Azar. “So why not be insufferable?”

    The Captain arrived with friends in tow. “I'm afraid I didn't get a chance to read about Chanukah at all,” He said, “You light candles and ...? What else?”

    “Well, oh good, everyone's here,” Ethan said, “It's the Festival of Lights. It's because, uh, well, a few thousand years ago, after the Maccabees defeated the Syrians, the big Temple was desecrated. And the thing is, we have what's called an Eternal Light.”

    Ner Tamid,” Hoshi said, “That's it in Hebrew, right?”

    “Right,” Karin said, “And we have to keep the flame burning at all times.”

    “A lot of cultures have ongoing lights as a cornerstone of their faith,” T'Pol explained. “It is a compelling image for many species.”

    “Yes,” Josh said, “But the Temple, it was unclean. Non-kosher animals had been slaughtered in there, so it was all messed up. And it would take eight days to get it all cleaned up. But there was only one vial of pure oil for the eternal lamp, and it would only last for one day. Plus it would take eight days for more pure oil to be produced.”

    “So our, our ancestors,” Andrew continued, “they took a chance and poured in the oil anyway, and they prayed that it would last. And it, it did. For the eight days needed to get the Temple cleaned up and more oil purified. Which is why we have Chanukah in the first place, and why it lasts for eight nights.”

    “And every year, this time of year, when it's cold and dark on Earth, we remember, and we celebrate Chanukah. We take a bigger candle called a Shammos, and we light it, and we use that one to light the other candles. One on the first night, two on the second, etc.,” Karin said.

    “And then on the last night, all nine branches are ablaze,” Ethan said, “Tonight's the first night, so it'll only be the Shammos and the one other candle.”

    “Is it time to light them?” Malcolm asked.

    “Yes. Karin?” Ethan asked.

    Baruch atah adonai ..,” she began.

    Once she was done, Ethan said, “People like my Great-Aunt Rachel, they considered all of the holidays to be important. Chanukah isn't even the big one. But it's big enough for tonight, and it's big enough for friends. Because it's like, it's like a star being ignited. It's all about the light.”

    “Anybody wanna dance?” Andrew asked.

    “Sure thing,” said Karin.

    A singer on the song system sang, “Ushavtem mayim b'sason, mimainei hayeshua ..,” while Andrew and Karin joined hands and started to dance in a circle. “C'mon, it's easy. You just kinda skip and then every few steps you turn backwards, like this,” Karin said, taking Hoshi's hand as Josh and Ethan joined.

    “Oh, what the hell,” Jonathan said, “Not a word of this to Starfleet Command,” he said.

    “I won't tell if you won't, sir,” Malcolm said, getting between Hoshi and Karin.

    Mayim! Mayim!” They clapped together. “Mayim, mayim b'sason!”

    “Whew!” Hoshi said when the dance was finished. “I don't think I need to go to the gym tonight. That song's about water, right?” she asked Ethan.

    “Yes, something about water in the desert, I think.”

    The ship moved a little more, and Dr. Phlox looked out the observation window. “Look. There's your light, Crewman,” It was a small star that had winked into view.

    Everyone stopped what they were doing to take a look. Andrew quietly put his arm around Karin's shoulder. He looked over at Ethan. “Great party, bro.”

    “Thanks. I think Great-Aunt Rachel would've had fun, too. Happy Chanukah."
  2. Sandoval

    Sandoval Fleet Captain Fleet Captain

    Jul 21, 2010
    I've only skimmed it but constantly referring to Captain Archer as 'Jonathan' is a bit out-of-place. I think 'Archer', 'Picard', 'Sisko' works just fine without changing it for the sake of becoming overly-familiar.

    You can get away with 'Travis', 'Trip' and 'Malcolm' but referring to the captain by his first name doesn't work.
  3. jespah

    jespah Rear Admiral Moderator

    Jun 21, 2011
    Boston, the Gateway to the Galaxy
    Thank you for your feedback.
  4. Sandoval

    Sandoval Fleet Captain Fleet Captain

    Jul 21, 2010

    This bit in particular makes 'Jonathan' sound like an extremely unsympathetic, petulant child.

    One of his crew's relatives has just passed away and when faced with the task of conveying this information, he whines "Can't someone else do it" like a whinging teenager.

    The "Oh well, that's unfortunate" doesn't exactly come across as the most pleasant sentiment to come from the mouth a heroic, statesmanlike Starfleet captain either.
  5. Gul Re'jal

    Gul Re'jal Commodore Commodore

    Jun 28, 2010
    Gul Re'jal is suspecting she's on the wrong space
    I'm lazy, so I'll repost my review from another place. But now we could discuss it farther ;)

    It started from a sad event, but in the end the story left a positive and optimistic feeling in me :) And I literally laughed out loud at Archer's "Not a word to Starfleet."

    In TOS we saw that religion was still present in the future (the chapel on the Enterprise sends such a message), so no surprise other religions and culture are also celebrated. It seems that in Picard times it wasn't as spread--or shown in the show.

    It was nice to see that friends could join and help in celebration--help in making the celebration happen. I especially liked Azar presence here; not only that he came, but also that it was not an issue and seemed nothing special. I hope some day something like this really wouldn't cause any reaction and be a natural thing to do. It would be proof that humanity really advanced and left behind all conflicts and can finally be one :)

    A lovely story about celebration and holding to traditions :) And friendship :)
  6. Nerys Ghemor

    Nerys Ghemor Vice Admiral Admiral

    Aug 4, 2008
    Cardăsa Terăm--Nerys Ghemor
    At least to me, that's how Archer acted onscreen...especially in "A Night in Sickbay." To me, petulance is actually a perfect word I'd use to describe Archer. So I don't think this is a minus as far as accurate characterization is concerned--I think it's a plus for jespah, because that's a perfect example of the kind of immature stunt Archer would've pulled on ENT.
  7. Nerys Ghemor

    Nerys Ghemor Vice Admiral Admiral

    Aug 4, 2008
    Cardăsa Terăm--Nerys Ghemor
    Having read the whole story...

    Yeah, I think Archer was a bit of a jerk, especially since he only perked up when it turned out the deceased was going to be on the news and therefore he'd look really bad if Shapiro found out that way and not from his captain. But as I said in my reply to Sandoval, my personal opinion is that kind of immature behavior is par for the course for him, and nothing I would consider a detractor from the story. You were simply faithful to his faults. ;)

    As to the story I thought I knew a lot about Jewish culture, but I definitely think I learned some new things from that story. :) Out of curiosity, I saw that Rabbi Bensen was a woman. Is she Reform? Or do you think other denominations (sorry if that's the wrong word) started admitting women as rabbis by the 22nd century?

    As soon as I saw the difficulty in getting a minyan together, I was wondering if they were going to have some people linked in via subspace. Is that something that's currently done in the US military? Just curious.

    Now why do I have an image of York Peppermint Patties standing in as the gelt? That might've kept prying hands off that latke... :lol:

    Another nice touch...that the Arab crewmember was willing to join in and nobody rejected him. Seems to me that some long-standing conflicts must have calmed by the 22nd century, though I won't dare ask how, since if you had figured out a solution I'm sure you'd be on a plane right now to give it to the negotiators! ;)

    I'm impressed that T'Pol managed to keep her big trap shut about one night's worth of oil burning for eight days. She can be such a buzzkill over the pettiest of things that I'm amazed she managed to restrain herself. I'm curious...what (besides author's privilege) kept her quiet? ;)
  8. jespah

    jespah Rear Admiral Moderator

    Jun 21, 2011
    Boston, the Gateway to the Galaxy
    First off, thank you so much for reading (and Happy Holidays!) and reviewing! :)

    As an aside, it is a bit of a chore to get Word to skip over Yiddish words, like frum, which means observant and the u is pronounced a bit like the oo in book.

    I really don't know how the military currently does it in terms of minyans, and I wonder if it's done via communications. I am sure this scenario has come up at some point. The Torah can be used as a person, but then what do you do? And for the Orthodox, Karin wouldn't have counted for the minyan, either.

    Ethan is Conservative, so Karin can be in the minyan (this is relatively new; when I was growing up, that was not the case in my denomination). Also, there are female Conservative rabbis already, so Leah Benson could be a rabbi today. Again, it's the Orthodox who would have a problem with it - but it's unlikely that they would send their people out into deep space, too.

    I wanted Jonathan to establish a few things with his behaviors - one is that he's wondering a bit why he has to be the one to do this - he's not getting that the Shapiro family wouldn't use communications on Shabbos. And then he says something lame - which is often what happens when there are deaths. People say all sorts of inappropriate things, it just spills out and we mean well, but it clangs. It is also an odd situation because this is, truly, not a close blood relative. He may be wondering, what's next? Do I have to start breaking the news to people when their second cousin twice-removed on their father's side buys a new car? Plus, let's face it, he's not necessarily heroic 24/7, and no one is. He does what he does, but not necessarily willingly or gladly all the time.

    The whole thing has got to clang a little for him - why would the Admiral contact him for this? More logically, it's that Ethan would be told by his mother, and then he would go to Malcolm (his superior officer) and ask for leave in 6 months or so for the unveiling. Ethan would probably also ask Hoshi to get him Rabbi Benson on the line, and that would be about it. But instead it's complicated because Rachel, by virtue of her longevity, was famous.

    As for T'Pol - ha! - she kept quiet more because I don't write her too well. She's always been uncomfortable for me to write. Perhaps she's busily working on a paper tying the Laws of Physics (conservation of energy) to Chanukah?

    I like the idea of Peppermint patties standing in for gelt. And as for Azar - I wanted it to all be very casual, matter of fact, no big deal that he was there. If I had a solution to the current conflicts, I imagine I would, yes, be on a plane. Perhaps it'll involve Peppermint patties. ;)
  9. Gul Re'jal

    Gul Re'jal Commodore Commodore

    Jun 28, 2010
    Gul Re'jal is suspecting she's on the wrong space
    And that was the best thing--it felt natural for them and not a reason for any special comment. It's just another person joining the group.

    It just means a lot to us :)
  10. Nerys Ghemor

    Nerys Ghemor Vice Admiral Admiral

    Aug 4, 2008
    Cardăsa Terăm--Nerys Ghemor
    It was also kind of cute listening to Azar seeming to wonder if he's going to botch his pronunciation of the Hebrew words.

    And I'm glad you liked the Peppermint Patties idea! It was the only candy I could think of that had the same general shape as gelt! ;) (I cannot vouch for its kosher status, though. Caveat eater. :lol:)
  11. jespah

    jespah Rear Admiral Moderator

    Jun 21, 2011
    Boston, the Gateway to the Galaxy
    According to Hershey (they make 'em), they are Kosher, see:'s
    Now I'm hungry for mint and chocolate.
  12. Lazarus

    Lazarus Fleet Captain

    Jan 17, 2003
    Santaval is blunt but he does have a point, referring to Archer has 'Jonathan' is a bit jarring and doesn't feel right I'll admit.
  13. jespah

    jespah Rear Admiral Moderator

    Jun 21, 2011
    Boston, the Gateway to the Galaxy
    Thank you - I tend to write personal things, so to me the degree of intimacy makes sense. The guy's got a first name, so I use it as I use others' first names when writing he said, she said, etc. The characters certainly don't call him by name, unless there are particular circumstances dictating that.
  14. Sandoval

    Sandoval Fleet Captain Fleet Captain

    Jul 21, 2010
    As I've established, and others have confirmed, writing scenes using a captain's first name doesn't work very well, and is off-putting.

    If you dipped into the Original Series you would write scenes in the vein of 'James strode from the turbolift onto the bridge' or 'James dived for cover as the Romulan disruptor bolt scorched the air above his head'?

    Doesn't work. Looks wrong.
  15. Nerys Ghemor

    Nerys Ghemor Vice Admiral Admiral

    Aug 4, 2008
    Cardăsa Terăm--Nerys Ghemor
    I think you would find your advice taken more seriously by people, or at least met witth less resistance and dismissal, if you phrased it more politely. If you're rude, no one will give a damn what you say even when it's good advice; you'll just end up treated like you don't exist. It would also help if you learn to include what you like as well as what you don't like.

    And if this all-criticism post rankles, now you know how abrasive your own style is to others.
  16. Sandoval

    Sandoval Fleet Captain Fleet Captain

    Jul 21, 2010
    You're confusing rude with direct I'm afraid. People with delicate sensibilities can often make that mistake, believing that a person is being rude and aggressive when in fact they are simply speaking to them in a candid manner.

    I've make plenty of supportive posts praising people's work as well as making critical posts which you have misconstrued as "rude", however you clearly wish to cherry-pick certain ones that support your agenda.

    The stuff I like, I say I like. The stuff I don't like, I say I don't like.

    You're just paying more attention to the second option than the first.

    Absolutely, your all criticism post has left me devastated.

    But to conclude, the answer to whatever issues you have with my posting-style lies in my signature.
  17. Ln X

    Ln X Fleet Captain Fleet Captain

    Jul 1, 2011
    The great gig in the sky
    Don't mess with Santaval, I like a person who speaks his mind, and he has reviewed some of my stuff, and he does have good points to make. Santaval is fair, and don't confuse directness with bias or troll-like behaviour. He has a knack for making good points, and sometimes a good point is lost if you are doing your utmost to be as polite as possible. To sum up Santaval does objective and constructive critisism.
  18. Sandoval

    Sandoval Fleet Captain Fleet Captain

    Jul 21, 2010
    Come now LnX, posting such common-sense and objective opinions on my style of feedback will ruin my reputation as the scourge of the Fanfic Forum...
  19. Nerys Ghemor

    Nerys Ghemor Vice Admiral Admiral

    Aug 4, 2008
    Cardăsa Terăm--Nerys Ghemor
    A good point is not lost by being polite. Rather, a good point is more likely to be absorbed if it is put in a tactful manner. Moreover, someone who is polite is more able to engage in a two-sided conversation with people, where the whys and wherefores of both the pros and the cons can be explored in far more in-depth manner than being rude.

    But since both of you have yet to learn that, then I'm afraid you're not going to be likely to enjoy such a pleasant experience with people--the only actual two-way conversations will be with people who will reply by getting into fisticuffs, which I shall sit back and enjoy greatly, to see the two of you getting a taste of your own bitter medicine. :lol:
  20. Sandoval

    Sandoval Fleet Captain Fleet Captain

    Jul 21, 2010
    Okey doke, you sit back and wait for that then.

    It's a bit difficult for me to get particularly interested if I'm honest but if waiting for that makes you happy or will be some sort of wish-fulfilment for you then that's fine with me.

    Although I would, for the second time, advise you to do what my signature suggests in future since you evidently dislike what I say and/or how I say it. This would, in my opinion, be the best option for you rather than posting these little rants about my posting style that inevitably fall on deaf ears.

    All the best.