Relationships are also about sex, you know. They have always been, and they always will be. If you always pretend you don't seek sex, you WILL end up being the "nice guy", too.
Yes, I agree. The "nice guy" is the one who's nice and totally non-threatening, i.e., non-sexual. Being self-assured - and humble (I find a degree of self-deprecation helps), but also clearly being
interested is key to not being dismissed.
I also find being charming helps: don't spare the compliments. Of course honesty is also key. Bullshit compliments are pretty easy to detect.
Honesty+Self-respect+respect for the other person+attraction=WIN.
So what's the rules on asking someone out over Facebook?
She's a friend of my on Facebook, she's someone I know in real life, I send her a message asking her out and then see what happens -claiming or schedules at work at work don't allow for a good time to socialize and for me to ask her out there.
Given your scenario I say go for it. If she deletes you from her friend list then it will be clear you've crossed a line.
The key is to balance confidence in yourself with interest in the person you are interested in. You have to want to learn about her, and, more importantly, react to what she's telling you, and even what she isn't. Confidence without any legitimate interest comes off as just egocentric or, in plain English, assholish. Interest without confidence comes off as desperate and creepy.
There's a really fine line you have to walk to balance the two.
True, which is why I'd go for honesty even if brutal and be sure of your interest before getting too physical to avoid more hurt than is necessary (unless you really are a selfish asshole).
I struggled for many years with my self image. I was finally able to bring it more under control when I came to the conclusion that while there are women who would not be attracted to me, there are women who would be, and they would like to be with someone like me. That took a lot of convincing, as I have had very low self esteem most of my life, but I think that is turning around now.
The best thing to do is approach each person on an individual level. It's like "be yourself" but in reverse, in that you expect the person you're meeting to be themselves as well, and accept them as who they are. Yes, it can be scary, because you're putting your real self out there to be accepted or rejected, and the rejection can hurt, but when you're accepted for who you are, wow, it's just the greatest feeling.
Nice stuff J., though from what little I've seen of you as a poster (and in video) I find it hard to believe you'd lack that confidence in yourself.
I think the biggest key is not waiting for "the one," but also not going for anyone just because they expressed an interest in you. Patience is important in this quest. Even if you meet someone you like it can take time to develop "love" for someone, but it should be pretty clear right away (in my experience) if you're interested in the other person at all. I definitely think overanalysing emotion isn't helpful ("what is LOVE?"), but provided you're honest with yourself and the other person, it's possible to have a good time finding out if love is there.
Of course it may not be mutual and you have no control over the feelings of others so you may get hurt, but shying away from possible hurt means shying away from true happiness as well. I think I've said enough "self-help" crap for now...
I was at the Oregon County Fair this weekend and approached and asked several strange women if I could take a photo of their costume (costuming is a big thing at the OCF) and this mostly went very well (like 15+ affirmatives and 4 negatives). It's not as if I asked any of them out but this is a step in the right direction. Baby steps, baby steps.
Very bold and a good step; I cannot say I'd do the same - bravo!
) but in my defense I've only ever asked out girls in person.
Absolutely perfect response!
