The Dating Advice and Support Thread

[SPCTRE]

I know this always sounds like some sort of "goes without saying" non-advice, but in my experience you should never underestimate the impact simple things like dressing well and generally looking out for yourself (even on a merely superficial appearance level) have on your self-esteem and how others perceive you.

On a less superficial level, you need to feel good about what you're doing, i.e. your job/your academic studies/whatever, your hobbies, your social life.

Take your time to see whether or not you're content with where you are, identify areas where you would like to change things and how. I realize this is easier said then done. Sometimes it will require outside help, e.g. coaching, but sometimes even a word of advice from someone you trust might be enough to inspire you.

 

[Scout101]

For me, though, it's not "I suck at hitting on people."

It's "Everybody I'm attracted to is married already."

I can't even remember the last time I found a single girl that I liked; it's been years.

I don't know what to say. Maybe you should talk to someone about this...cause it just doesn't sound right...there may be a deeper issue...there has to be a ton of single women that you find attractive.

I issue is that I don't meet single girls. In my entire office, which is 90% female, only one of them is single.

In my last job, all the girls were either married, in a relationship, or were single mothers (nothing against single mothers; I just have no interest in getting involved with someone that already has kids).

So it's not that I'm only attracted to married women. It's that I very rarely meet women that aren't married!

Think it's an age bracket thing, as much as anything. You're what, late 20s, maybe 30 or so?

You've got the group that got married right out of college, then there's a break where the ones that met someone at the end of school, or within a year or so of getting out, dated for a while and are getting married now.

Sure, there IS a group that hasn't gotten married yet (probably got out of a LTR recently), but it's a smaller group. By the time you're in your early 30s, the group of single girls has shrunk a bit, and is starting to fill back in with the recently-divorced.

So yeah, it kinda goes in waves, and you're maybe just on the back-half of the current batch?

I found the internet a good solution for that, as it increased the dating pool without having to hang out in bars, and helped with finding the kind of people i really wanted to get to know. Plus, chatting online first can help take the edge off of a first date a bit.

 

[RoJoHen]

Think it's an age bracket thing, as much as anything. You're what, late 20s, maybe 30 or so?

You've got the group that got married right out of college, then there's a break where the ones that met someone at the end of school, or within a year or so of getting out, dated for a while and are getting married now.

Sure, there IS a group that hasn't gotten married yet (probably got out of a LTR recently), but it's a smaller group. By the time you're in your early 30s, the group of single girls has shrunk a bit, and is starting to fill back in with the recently-divorced.

So yeah, it kinda goes in waves, and you're maybe just on the back-half of the current batch?

I found the internet a good solution for that, as it increased the dating pool without having to hang out in bars, and helped with finding the kind of people i really wanted to get to know. Plus, chatting online first can help take the edge off of a first date a bit.

I am 26, and yeah, it seems like everybody I know is starting to get settled down.

One thing I noticed a couple years ago is that women in the 30-35 age bracket find me damn near irresistible, so I think in the next few years things are going to start looking up.

 

[LitmusDragon]

I appreciate all of the alternative suggestions for meeting people but I'm going to stick to the bars and clubs for now. Not because I think they are likely to work, but because I want to get over the block I have about cold-approaching a girl.

What I currently do:

1. See a girl who impresses me in some way
2. Pine at her from the shadows
3. Never talk to her

What I want to do:

1. See a girl who impresses me in some way
2. Approach her
3. Strike up a conversation
4. Express interest (any type of compliment will do)

It's as much about self-empowerment as it is about meeting someone. I think if I tried to do this in most other situations it would seem kind of stalkerish, in a bar or club having a guy walk up to you isn't all that unexpected.

 

[Trekker4747]

I've been tossing around the idea of trying speed-dating.

 

[Scout101]

Don't really get the appeal of it, personally. You get to talk to each of say 20 or so women, but only for a few moments, not long enough to get very far. If you don't have the confidence to approach a woman in a regular setting, putting a timer on it can't help much.

Then at the end, you likely didn't get any numbers in the few moments you had, and can then get mass-rejected by a larger group when you try to get a few later and they pass?

Seems like skimming photos on an online dating site and reading a few profiles accomplishes the same thing, but without as much rejection in a single afternoon. In the couple minutes you have, it's at least half about looks anyway, and if you had enough confidence to come across great in your first couple minutes, you'd have done better in other settings and not needed this in the first place, right?

 

[Amaris]

Yeah, "just be yourself" sounds cliche, but it's better to put your actual self forward than pretend you're someone else. You might get rejected, but really, rejection just opens up more room for someone else, someone who may be more of a match. Once I got over the idea of rejection as a commentary on my own worth, it relieved a lot of pressure that had built up, and I gained more confidence in the process. I mean, let's face it, I can be a very odd man, but I wouldn't change the core of who I am for anyone.

Just as an aside, "be yourself" should come with a proviso. You should be yourself as long as you're not an asshole, essentially. Also, good hygiene is important!

 

[Mr Awe]

For me, though, it's not "I suck at hitting on people."

It's "Everybody I'm attracted to is married already."

I can't even remember the last time I found a single girl that I liked; it's been years.

I don't know what to say. Maybe you should talk to someone about this...cause it just doesn't sound right...there may be a deeper issue...there has to be a ton of single women that you find attractive.

I issue is that I don't meet single girls. In my entire office, which is 90% female, only one of them is single.

In my last job, all the girls were either married, in a relationship, or were single mothers (nothing against single mothers; I just have no interest in getting involved with someone that already has kids).

So it's not that I'm only attracted to married women. It's that I very rarely meet women that aren't married!

Get a hobby! Get out and meet new people!

You state, "In my office . . . In my last job . . . "

You're not limited to meeting only work people. If that's all you're doing, you're stuck in a work rut!

Mr Awe

 

[Jetfire]

Plus there is no harm in asking around...like ask a cute gal you work with who is taken if she knows anyone.

 

[Holdfast]

I will provide advice in a manner suited to readers here, given our undoubted shared familiarity with Choose Your Own Adventure type books:

1. You are reading a Star Trek forum, in a dating thread.

If you decide you kill yourself right now, go to 2.
If you decide to read on, go to 3.

2. Your reward in heaven is 72 virgins. 73, counting you.

3. You want a date, but are torn between the hot and sultry type, the bookish and nerdy type, and the girl next door (read: available) type.

If you really just want sex, go to 4.
If you really just want sex, but have convinced yourself that you're more sensitive and caring than that, go to 2.
If, after honest and deep reflection, you really DO want a relationship - and not just a casual friend or sex - go to 5.

4. Pay for it. It's easier, simpler, cheaper, and even potentially cleaner.

5. Force yourself to talk to hundreds of women as actual human beings regardless of perceived relationship potential, in as many different settings, with no guarantee of success and be willing to feel emotional pain. The law of averages means that eventually you'll find someone you are prepared to settle down with. You may even escape without the nagging feeling in the core of your soul in the middle of the night that you haven't compromised, if you're really, really, really lucky.



May you all find dating happiness; my work here is done.

 

[{ Emilia }]

^ It's hard to imagine Mary Poppins giving dating advice but this is pure win.

 

[Amaris]

It also needs a flow chart.

 

[LitmusDragon]

I will provide advice in a manner suited to readers here, given our undoubted shared familiarity with Choose Your Own Adventure type books:

1. You are reading a Star Trek forum, in a dating thread.

If you decide you kill yourself right now, go to 2.
If you decide to read on, go to 3.

2. Your reward in heaven is 72 virgins. 73, counting you.

3. You want a date, but are torn between the hot and sultry type, the bookish and nerdy type, and the girl next door (read: available) type.

If you really just want sex, go to 4.
If you really just want sex, but have convinced yourself that you're more sensitive and caring than that, go to 2.
If, after honest and deep reflection, you really DO want a relationship - and not just a casual friend or sex - go to 5.

4. Pay for it. It's easier, simpler, cheaper, and even potentially cleaner.

5. Force yourself to talk to hundreds of women as actual human beings regardless of perceived relationship potential, in as many different settings, with no guarantee of success and be willing to feel emotional pain. The law of averages means that eventually you'll find someone you are prepared to settle down with. You may even escape without the nagging feeling in the core of your soul in the middle of the night that you haven't compromised, if you're really, really, really lucky.



May you all find dating happiness; my work here is done.

 

[Holdfast]

^ It's hard to imagine Mary Poppins giving dating advice but this is pure win.

I was only meant to be here until the wind turned, but it's been over a fucking decade, and I'm still posting.

It also needs a flow chart.

That's only for when it gets cross-posted to the Science & Technology forum of the board.

 

[RoJoHen]

I don't know what to say. Maybe you should talk to someone about this...cause it just doesn't sound right...there may be a deeper issue...there has to be a ton of single women that you find attractive.

I issue is that I don't meet single girls. In my entire office, which is 90% female, only one of them is single.

In my last job, all the girls were either married, in a relationship, or were single mothers (nothing against single mothers; I just have no interest in getting involved with someone that already has kids).

So it's not that I'm only attracted to married women. It's that I very rarely meet women that aren't married!

Get a hobby! Get out and meet new people!

You state, "In my office . . . In my last job . . . "

You're not limited to meeting only work people. If that's all you're doing, you're stuck in a work rut!

Mr Awe

Unfortunately, I have neither the time nor the money to invest in a new hobby at the moment.

I barely get to see my current friends as it is, so when I do have free time, I try to spend it with them.

I'm really not that bothered by it.

 

[Mr Silver]

Holdfast, you never cease to provide a dry, yet nearly 90% accurate picture of human psychology.

 

[JarodRussell]

I'm really not that bothered by it.

For that, you talk a lot about it.

 

[RoJoHen]

Well, it is the topic of the thread.

 

[Robert DeSoto]

Be cocky. Be funny.

I rarely ever compliment girls. Every other guy in the club is doing the same shit. Girls like assholes. So I'm a bit of an asshole. The same girls that say I'm "sooo mean" are the same girls that are buying me dinner and drinks.

I know this always sounds like some sort of "goes without saying" non-advice, but in my experience you should never underestimate the impact simple things like dressing well and generally looking out for yourself (even on a merely superficial appearance level) have on your self-esteem and how others perceive you.

On a less superficial level, you need to feel good about what you're doing, i.e. your job/your academic studies/whatever, your hobbies, your social life.

Take your time to see whether or not you're content with where you are, identify areas where you would like to change things and how. I realize this is easier said then done. Sometimes it will require outside help, e.g. coaching, but sometimes even a word of advice from someone you trust might be enough to inspire you.

Yes, the superficial stuff is very important. And as you might imagine, feeling good about yourself is part of being cocky. But you don't need to wear an Armani suit, be the CEO of some big company, and have a million friends to party with. As long as you got a job that can pay the bills, some nice clothes and a good circle of friends to keep you busy, the rest is just game. Of course, if you can afford the Armani suit, then it does make the game easier.

 

[{ Emilia }]

Be cocky. Be funny.

I rarely ever compliment girls. Every other guy in the club is doing the same shit. Girls like assholes. So I'm a bit of an asshole.

Complete nonsense obviously but grats on increasing your e-street cred.