The Current Joke Thread

[Oddish]

As a student of Freud and a follower of Erikson (who began as a Freudian), I approve.

 

[HIjol]

What was Uhura’s Secret Convention Nickname?

“Nacelle Nichols”

(Ok, ok, it’s Monday and I think I have Polywater intoxication…)

 

[Rowdy Roddy McDowall]

This just in: due to its clueless racial sensibilities, all quotes from GONE WITH THE WIND have now been removed from the AFI's top 100 movie quotes. The new replacements will officially be ''Fear is nature's cleanser'' from SURVIVAL QUEST, ''Gogogogogogogogogo!!!'' from the third EXPENDABLES and ''Give me back my Rhodey'' from CAPTAIN AMERICA 3.

 

[Moviefan2k4]

A pastor decides he doesn't want to preach one Sunday, so instead he fakes sick and goes to play golf. God and St. Peter are looking down on Him from Heaven, and Peter turns to God. "Are you going to let him get away with this?" God just smiles: "No way, just watch." The pastor swings, and its an automatic hole-in-one! God turns to Peter: "He won't be able to tell anyone now."

 

[Santaman]

Why do cannibals hate clowns?
because they taste funny..

 

[Moviefan2k4]

Good morning, everybody. I just heard this joke by comedian Dane Cook, and wanted to share it before I forgot about it.

A Christian and an atheist are talking about death. The atheist starts off by asking, "What do you believe happens after you die?" The Christian says "I'll live a joyful life with Jesus in Heaven forever." The atheist laughs and begins mocking him - "Really? You...you honestly believe that?"

This riles up the Christian a bit, so he offers his own challenge. "OK then, if you're so smart, answer your own question. What do you do think will happen to you when you die?" This angers the atheist, who suddenly becomes defiant. "I know what will happen to me! When I die, my body will be rejoined with the Earth, and I'll return as a beautiful tree!"

The Christian smiles and says, "I hope you do become a tree. I also hope that while you're in your tree-ness, enjoying the wind, a lumberjack comes along and cuts you down. I hope he drags you throw the mud, chops you into pieces, and then throws what's left of you into a sawmill. Then they can transform your remains into paper."

The atheist is silent for a moment, not sure whether he wants to speak again. Eventually, he presses further. "What would happen to me after that?" The Christian smiles and says, "Well, then they could print the Bible on you."

 

[Colonel Midnight]

While you can say what you want about Captain Hook, you have to admit that he ran his entire pirating operation singlehandedly.

Cheers,
-CM-

 

[Oddish]

And he regularly spoke offhandedly about Peter Pan.

 

[Colonel Midnight]

Cheers,
-CM-

 

[at Quark's]

Two mathematicians catch up with one another. One says: "So, the other day, my girlfriend rode her bike to my house, jumped off the bike, ripped off her dress before me and told me to finally take what I wanted. So, I took her bike."
Says the other one: "Obviously, the dress was ripped."

As a mathematician I take offense to this joke. The proper version is about computer scientists!
(At least, that's how it was told in the department of mathematics when I studied there. )

Another of those jokes I recall from those days:
An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are on a train ride through rural England. Looking out the window, gazing over the landscape, they see a flock of sheep, with one black sheep.

The engineer: See? This proves black sheep exist!
The physicist: To be a bit more precise, this proves there are flocks with some black sheep in England!
The mathematician: To be more precise still, this proves there is at least one flock of sheep in England of which at least one of the sheep is black on at least one side.

 

[Colonel Midnight]

I broke up with a girlfriend named Lorraine when I met another called Claire Lee.

The good news is, I can see Claire Lee now that Lorraine has gone…

Cheers,
-CM-

 

[HIjol]

OK…hope I don’t get MOD-ified for this…

Three Senators and Three CongressPersons go into their respective chambers to do their elected duties…

(That’s the joke…)

 

[Sgt_G]

How do you know a person who lays down on a BMX course is crazy?

Because he's a cycle-path.

 

[HIjol]

What do you get when you combine an Oscar Winner, a flotilla of ships, and a military person promoted to the rank of Lieutenant Colonel, and given a posting?

“Star Fleet Command”

(Swear my Mother, I just made that up!)

 

[Moviefan2k4]

Ned & Jake were lifelong friends for more than 50 years, and their biggest shared passion was baseball. They attended every game together, from the start of the season to the World Series. But one day, the unthinkable happened...Jake suddenly passed away, without warning. Ned was inconsolable; he'd lost his best friend, and for a short time he avoided baseball, because the memories were just too much. Finally, he went to a game, more to honor Jake than anything else...but in Ned's heart, it just wasn't the same.

Suddenly, out of the blue, Ned hears a voice call out to him from the sky - it's Jake! He looks up to see his friend, waving and smiling. Ned is overjoyed to see his friend happy, but wonders what this is all about. Jake says, "I'm here for two reasons, Ned: there's good news, and bad news." "OK", Ned says. "What's the good news?" Jake replies, "You won't believe this, Ned - there's baseball in Heaven! Angels run the bases, the gospel choir plays the music...it's greater than anything I've ever known!"

Conflicted, Ned's not sure he wants to know what's next. "What could possibly be bad about that?" Jake solemnly replies, "You're the starting pitcher next Sunday."

 

[HIjol]

What kind of musical instruments do Ferengi like best?

 

[Colonel Midnight]

Q. What is Forrest Gump’s password on his computer?

A. 1Forrest1

Cheers,
-CM-

 

[Laura Cynthia Chambers]

What do you get when you steamroll a Ferengi?
Gold-pressed flatinum.

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Who's the most popular NFL player on Cardassia?

Damar Hamlin

 

[hbquikcomjamesl]

It just occurred to me that the Picard team missed a perfect opportunity: they could have called the Romulus evacuation efforts . . . . .

Project Exodus.