The Art of Thanking

[Gryffindorian]

Sorry, this is rather long. I have an old friend, a lady who lives in another country and whom I've known since I was a child. She and I lived in the same neighborhood abroad. Our families were also close friends (perhaps even related to some extent). We went to school together up until my freshman year in high school, when my family and I migrated to the U.S. "Gracie" and I have kept in touch on and off via e-mail and now through Facebook.

Gracie and her husband have one child, a special 8-year-old boy named "Darren," who's autistic like my 11-year-old nephew. I was honored when Gracie made me Darren's godfather when he was born, and whenever a relative of mine goes on vacation to the old country, I ask him/her to hand-deliver a gift from me to Darren (shoes, cash, etc.).

A year ago, I asked my vacationing mom to give $100 to Darren. I figured it would be easier to give money than to send souvenirs that might be too bulky to put in her luggage. When my mom returned from her trip, she didn't say anything. I didn't get an e-mail, Facebook message, or card from Gracie acknowledging the gift I sent to her son, which would've been the decent and ethical thing to do. Clearly, I was a bit soured by this but decided to just let it go and not say anything. I didn't even get any souvenir from Gracie (like I used to), not that I was expecting anything in return. Just a simple "thank you" would've sufficed.

Recently (last week), my sister "Dana" and a few family members left on vacation to the old country again. This time, I had asked my sister to give a kid's sports watch to Darren that I had bought. Days later, I have yet to hear from Gracie whether or not she's gotten the gift for her son, which I'm quite sure she has. My sister Dana's cell phone doesn't work abroad, so I haven't been in touch with her since she left, but I'm pretty sure she's very good at delivering souvenirs to people over there.

I'm beginning to sense a pattern here, one of ungratefulness and tactlessness, if you may. Is it possible Gracie hasn't received my gift to Darren? I suppose that may be the case. I believe I'm within my rights to assume that people give thanks whenever they are given something nice, paid a complement, done a favor, treated nicely and with respect, etc. I always say "Thank you" to family, friends, strangers, and co-workers at all times. If Gracie has already gotten the gift, then why isn't she acknowledging it? Have I done something wrong to offend her? If so, why not tell me via e-mail or Facebook? I would appreciate your feedback.

Thank you.

 

[An Officer]

Never give anything expecting gratitude.

 

[Scout101]

On the other hand, it's EXTREMELY rude to not at least acknowledge you received the gift. Certainly don't give expecting something in return, or that they OWE you a drawn out thank you, but it's pretty classless to just never speak of it.

Honestly, I don't send people another gift if I don't receive SOME sort of thank you (either a note, a phone call, SOMETHING). You send a card and money, or take time to select a gift, and for all you know, it was lost in the mail.

No 'thank you' note, no more gifts...

 

[Captain_Nick]

People are only grateful when they expect more favours from you in the future.

When my mom returned from her trip, she didn't say anything.

That's your starting point.

The people involved in this drama might be better able to explain what's going on.

 

[auntiehill]

^This. I would ask your mother, as I would assume that she would have told right away if she had delivered the gift.

 

[Tora Ziyal]

A year ago, I asked my vacationing mom to give $100 to Darren. I figured it would be easier to give money than to send souvenirs that might be too bulky to put in her luggage. When my mom returned from her trip, she didn't say anything. I didn't get an e-mail, Facebook message, or card from Gracie acknowledging the gift I sent to her son...

Recently (last week), my sister "Dana" and a few family members left on vacation to the old country again. This time, I had asked my sister to give a kid's sports watch to Darren that I had bought. Days later, I have yet to hear from Gracie whether or not she's gotten the gift for her son, which I'm quite sure she has....

Is it possible Gracie hasn't received my gift to Darren

Seems to me that the place to start is to ask your mother and Dana whether they delivered the gifts.

Have you been hearing from Gracie about other things all along, or have you not heard heard from her at all since last year's gift? If you're still communicating on Facebook, you could write her a brief note, something like, "I hope Darren enjoys the watch Dana's delivering for me!"

If that doesn't elicit a response and you know she definitely received the gifts, it's probably time to stop sending then. But I hope you'll continue to send the boy occasional cards or something so he knows you care about him -- it might mean a lot to him, and as he gets older, he'll be able to respond himself.

At least that's how I handled it w/ my own godchildren.

 

[iguana_tonante]

Why are you asking us this instead of the people involved, like "Gracie", "Dana" or "mom"?

 

[Captain_Nick]

If Gracie has already gotten the gift, then why isn't she acknowledging it? Have I done something wrong to offend her?

I'm not sure, let me consult my Orb of Mystery

I and the Great Earth and all sentient beings simultaneously attain enlightenment.

But I can't answer your question.

 

[Gryffindorian]

Thanks, all. I'll be sure to ask my mom again. I was positive she gave Gracie the gift, though I don't recall her saying, "Oh, by the way, Grace said thank you. She asked how you were doing ... blah, blah, blah." That would've put my mind at ease.

Posted by An Officer:

Never give anything expecting gratitude.

"Never expect anything in return when you give something" is how I remember it. There is a difference. I was taught at a young age to say thanks, not because it's the Christian thing to do, or the American way, or the Asian way, or the Republican way, but because it's the right and proper thing to do. You just can't ignore a favor, a present, or a good deed; expressing gratitude can go a long way and affects relationships with people. It's about gracious manners.

 

[An Officer]

^ I agree. I always say thanks, and love it when others thank me, it's a nice bonus. I just don't expect it is all. The charitable act itself is enough, if someone is too ignorant or ill-mannered to say thanks, well, there's no skin of my nose, I'm still pleased to have been able to achieve some good. The boy still benefits from your gift, you've made a difference, no matter what. To stop the gifts because his mother couldn't say thanks is a little petty in my eyes, the only one who suffers is the boy, who has done nothing wrong.

I remember coming home in the middle of a freezing night some time ago, I was walking fast and eager to go home... I saw a homeless man sitting with a thin blanket on the concrete floor, I thought he must be about to freeze to death, so I retraced my steps and bought him a steaming hot cup of tea from an all night cafe. When I gave it to him, he sipped it, turned his nose up, and told me her doesn't take it with sugar, and discarded it, as though I'd presented him with something offensive. I just shrugged and went home, no point getting upset, doesn't mean I'm going to stop giving to the homeless when I can. Some people are just inconsiderate and ungrateful, doesn't mean they're not still in need of help.

 

[Scout101]

That's a bit different, as homelessness often goes hand and hand with mental illness, whereas the people in the other story are just rude...

 

[scottydog]

I remember coming home in the middle of a freezing night some time ago, I was walking fast and eager to go home... I saw a homeless man sitting with a thin blanket on the concrete floor, I thought he must be about to freeze to death, so I retraced my steps and bought him a steaming hot cup of tea from an all night cafe. When I gave it to him, he sipped it, turned his nose up, and told me he doesn't take it with sugar, and discarded it, as though I'd presented him with something offensive. I just shrugged and went home, no point getting upset, doesn't mean I'm going to stop giving to the homeless when I can. Some people are just inconsiderate and ungrateful, doesn't mean they're not still in need of help.

That was very nice of you, and I'm glad you didn't let his rudeness ruin your desire to help others in the future.

I think that's one of the hard things about helping. We can only do our small part, and let go of the outcome (which we can't control).

 

[Gryffindorian]

An Officer, that was a very generous and thoughtful act on your part while others would've just ignored the homeless guy. I can't say I'm as tolerant as you are when dealing with rudeness and insensitivity. If only I and most people I know had that kind of sensibility and noble character, then the world would be a much better place.

I guess my expectations are too high sometimes.

 

[WillsBabe]

I guess my expectations are too high sometimes.

If they are, then so are mine. I think it's as rude as hell to be given something and not thank the giver. I'd find a way of making them consider their lack of response. But that's just me.

 

[An Officer]

I think that's one of the hard things about helping. We can only do our small part, and let go of the outcome (which we can't control).

Absolutely. Once you give up on changing others and seek first to change yourself, you can really start getting somewhere. I learned this from the many ungrateful people I met.

An Officer, that was a very generous and thoughtful act on your part while others would've just ignored the homeless guy. I can't say I'm as tolerant as you are when dealing with rudeness and insensitivity. If only I and most people I know had that kind of sensibility and noble character, then the world would be a much better place.

I guess my expectations are too high sometimes.

Believe me, I'm not that tolerant! I am trying to learn patience though.

Also, with giving, I have discovered it's usually best to ask, whether directly, or indirectly. Perhaps if you spoke to the boy's mother on the phone, and asked her what they need, she may prove more grateful next time. What you think they need may not always match what she thinks they need. Cash is always great, but perhaps you would be able to purchase something which cannot be found where they are?

 

[Maestro]

The art of thanking has gone out of vogue. Strive to bring it back.

 

[Gryffindorian]

An Officer, that was a very generous and thoughtful act on your part while others would've just ignored the homeless guy. I can't say I'm as tolerant as you are when dealing with rudeness and insensitivity. If only I and most people I know had that kind of sensibility and noble character, then the world would be a much better place.

I guess my expectations are too high sometimes.

Believe me, I'm not that tolerant! I am trying to learn patience though.

Also, with giving, I have discovered it's usually best to ask, whether directly, or indirectly. Perhaps if you spoke to the boy's mother on the phone, and asked her what they need, she may prove more grateful next time. What you think they need may not always match what she thinks they need. Cash is always great, but perhaps you would be able to purchase something which cannot be found where they are?

I'll try to do better next time (assuming there is a next time). Gracie is a nice, smart, and well educated woman, and I really expected better from her.

 

[TEACAKE'S PLEATHER DOME]

Just don't penalize the kid because the mother is rude, keep sending him stuffs. Maybe not cash though.

 

[Ghost07]

I always send a thank you when I receive something, but now-a-days I find that most people don't bother. I have never received even an acknowledgement that my nieces or their children have ever gotten what I've sent them. Yes, I think that's wrong, but it doesn't stop me from sending something. Maybe someday someone will thank me; that's a small thing though and you shouldn't let the small things bother you.

When I was younger, I used to make a whole loaf of bread's worth of sandwiches and go to a local park where a number of homeless people lived to give them out. 1 person out of 50 might thank me. It doesn't matter. They all got something to eat and THAT'S the important part. Just remember that only one leper out of ten thanked Jesus for healing him; but it didn't stop Jesus from healing and helping others. I think that's important to remember.

 

[Sector 7]

My thoughts:

1- I find it suspicious that ""Mom" did not tell you that she gave them the money.

2- Perhaps, a cash gift was offensive to "Gracie". She may have felt that a gift is thoughtful, but money may have been seen as you looking down upon them. Since "Gracie" is a good friend, you should ask her if she received the gifts (cash and watch) and tell her you hope she found a gift Darren would enjoy with the cash gift. Let her know you hope the cash was not offensive, but you were pressed for time, etc.

3- As mentioned before, one should not give the gift expecting anything in return (even a thank you). I, personally, hate receiving a gift with strings attached. When I give a gift, I do not expect anything in return... yes, it is nice to get a thank you, but that is not why I give the gift.