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The Adventures of the USS Pleiades (my first fan fic)

OrionField

Ensign
Newbie
CH1

USS Pleiades (NCC-79052)
Stardate 165411.2, May 30, 2388


“Almost done!” The young man said as he adjusted some isolinear circuits and finished ‘rewiring’ the ship’s main computer.

“Sir, you know, as chief Engineer of the Pleiades, it falls on me to make any repairs or modifications to the ship.” Said the man standing off to the side.

“Harrison, what’s my rank?” Teased the young man fiddling with the complex computer.

“Commander, sir.” Harrison quickly responded.

“And how many pips are on my collar?” Retorted the Commander.

“None, you’re not in uniform, sir.” Harrison sarcastically responded.

“You know what I mean, Jim, when I do wear it; it has three gold pips, unlike the two gold pips on yours, Lieutenant.” The Commander smartly responded.

“Permission to speak freely sir?” Harrison asked.

“Of course, Jim, what kind of ship do you think I run? A formal one?” The young Commander quickly responded without deviating from what he was doing.

“No sir, but you are only twenty two years old, the same age as me, and you are a Commander and I just made full Lieutenant. I guess what I’m asking, sir, is why did you want to command a runabout? You could have had or served as First Officer on almost any ship in the fleet, a Sovereign Class, or Galaxy Class, Starfleet even offered you the captain's chair of USS Aventine, which you turned down.” After the long-winded question, Harrison looked at his superior officer for a response.

“Done!” The young Commander came out from inside the ship’s computer core. “What’s wrong with The Pleiades Harrison? The New Atlantic Class is one of the most capable ships in the fleet, just because she’s small, doesn’t mean she isn’t just as powerful as any other ship in the fleet, and with my new modifications, she’ll be even better, and we will be even more capable of handling our new assignment for Starfleet Intelligence.”

“Modifications! You didn’t run any modifications by me!” Harrison was on the verge of yelling.

“This is why I picked you as my First officer, and Chief Engineer, you love the ship more than anything, that’s why she’ll brief you on my modifications, so we can get out of spacedock and see what this baby’s got.” The Commander pushed a few buttons on the diagnostic panel and the computer started to power up. “Well, it didn’t blow up, that’s got to be a good thing right?”

Harrison gave him a dirty look.

“Computer…please meet us in the forward lounge of deck two.” The Commander said to the ship.”

“I’ll meet you guys there, Dan.” A disembodied female voice responded.

“Dan? Meet us there? What have you done to that computer?” Harrison sounded worried.

“Well, Jim, My name is Daniel Orion Field, I believe that information is still unclassified.” Dan spoke to Harrison as they walked up the stairs from deck three to deck two, as the doors opened to the main hallway of deck two, they turned right and walked to the front of the ship, which was only about ten steps away. As the doors to the lounge opened a beautiful girl was standing there, she was wearing a tight fitting uniform with a Starfleet combadge on the left side of her chest. Her Light brown hair drawn back into a pony tail, her eyes blue as the oceans of Risa. Dan could have sworn he saw Harrison’s Jaw drop for a split second before he regained his composure. “Computer.”

“Yes Dan?” The girl looked at him, slightly tilting her head to the side.

“Please brief Mr. Harrison on the other modifications that have been made to the ship, I will be in my quarters.” Dan turned and walked up the stairs to deck one. When he reached the top of the stars the doors slid open and he turned left and walked down the short hall way to the end, and entered the door on the right. He walked over to his desk and punched some commands into the keypad on his desk. The armor plating covering his windows retracted, giving him a view of docking bay 23 of Earth’s main spacedock. He punched in a few more command to contact spacedock control.

“Spacedock control, this is Commander Field of the USS Pleiades, requesting permission to disembark.” He sat down at his desk and switched the ship to manual control. A holographic joystick materialized on his desk, and the touch screen, reconfigured itself for flight controls.

“Permission granted Pleiades, you are cleared to leave spacedock.” Said a disembodied voice through an unseen speaker.

Dan fired up the antigrav thrusters and engaged all ship’s systems. As the ship lifted off the deck plating of the docking bay, he eased the thrusters forward and through the bay’s force field. As soon as the ship was clear of spacedock, he engaged the impulse engines to full.

“Computer?” Dan asked, “Have you finished briefing Lt Harrison?”

“Yes Dan, he has gone down to the engine room to make sure everything is in order for warp speed.

“Warp is unnecessary at the moment, engage the new slipstream drive and take us within a days warp of the Borg Unicomplex.” Dan ordered.

“You got it” The computer promptly replied

Dan watched out the window of his quarters as a wormhole formed around the ship. According to Starfleet records, The Pleiades is just a simple runabout, with a standard warp drive, with no mention of The Slipstream Drive, The Fold Drive, or the top secret Temporal Drive. The ability to travel in time was really what made the ship important, the technology was salvaged from an artifact found by a survey mission of the Gamma Quadrant, a mysterious blue box was found, significantly larger on the inside than outside. The artifact was reverse engineered by Starfleet Intelligence, and the prototype drive had been fitted to The Pleiades.

Even more intriguing than the ship, was its commander. Daniel Orion Field was an oddity. He held a rank that most people waited years to achieve, much less twenty-two years of life. He also was very well suited to be Starfleet’s first Temporal Agent, seeing as he was born in the twentieth century, and was taken from earth by an unknown Gamma Quadrant race at a very young age. Little is know about them or what planet they are from, but they left him with the ability to resist Borg assimilation, which helped him when he was captured by the Borg. This made him an object of intrigue for the Borg Queen, who called him her son. Dan was very much a maverick, but Starfleet only put up with him because he delivered, he never failed on a mission. Dan never liked to wear his Starfleet uniform unless he had to, he preferred to wear twenty-first century civilian clothes.

There was a chime, Dan hit the control on his desk to unlock the door. The computer walked in, she let her hair down as she walked towards Dan’s bed. She sarted to take off her uniform and strip down to her underwear. Once she was her underwear, she laid down on the bed. The ship dropped out of the wormhole just as quickly as it had entered it.

“Engage the cloak and proceed at warp five” Dan told the computer before proceeding to disrobe and get into bed next to the computer’s holographic avatar. He really made sure to program her AI to make her as lifelike as possible, including the ability to imitate human sleep. They would reach the Borg complex in 12 hours. Time to get some rest.
 
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Ah, I see what you mean...But, he does have flaws, they're just not apparent yet...his ego is too big for example. He tends to be headstrong in rushing into situations prematurely, and often endangers his crew unnecessarily. Also I revised it, bumped Field down to Commander, and bumped Harrison to Lieutenant, also got rid of the superpowers.
 
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First off, welcome to the fanfic board, OrionField. :)

Your storytelling is solid, but your dialogue seems a bit stilted. You’ve got people speaking in long, expositional monologues to one another, comic-book style, in an attempt to give some back story to your characters.

My advice would be to show us (the readers) details of the characters’ pasts, rather than simply telling us. Perhaps have your Fleet Commander reminiscing about some souvenirs from his career on display in his ready room, or something that would give the reader insight into his past without simply having another character blurt out seemingly random details about his history.

I’m afraid I must agree with sojourner’s assessment of your main character. It is highly unbelievable to have a 22-year old uber-genius promoted to the equivalent rank of admiral, regardless of the person’s talents or accomplishments. Adding his amazing ‘powers’ to the mix simply makes him a caricature, an impossible oddity that is, quite frankly, groan-inducing to many fanfic readers.

In this case, my advice to you would be to re-tool your character concept to make Field older and a great deal less super gee-willikers supremely talented. Make him more accessible to your readers by giving him faults, weaknesses, and some humanity.

Unfortunately, in most cases, the smartest, most capable, most hot-shot crew/characters in the known galaxy flying the fastest, best-armed starship the Federation has ever fielded simply aren’t that entertaining to read about if they can do no wrong and nothing can ever realistically threaten them.

Just my $0.02.
 
^I agree. For example, I thought the first conversation about their ranks was a bit over the top. And rest of the conversations seemed unnatural (too much mention of the rank thing for an introduction). As well as certain elements. Also, why say "according to starfleet records" in that manner? I'd suggest make it an actual starship, not a runabout, if they are taking it close to the heart of Borg space.
 
Can't really disagree with what has been said and suggested so far. But I'm interested to see where this is going. There are a lot of things to like here, such as a story set on a small runabout instead of a major starship and a sexy computer avatar (who seeps with the captain?)
 
^Though the story so far does contradict itself in regards to the ship. The runabouts seen on the show are little larger than shuttles with only 2/3 rooms. The story describes a ship with at least 3 decks. It sounds more like the Defiant in size and description.

Also, the ship is turning into a bit of a "Mary Sue" as well.
 
I'm still working on tuning it down a bit, the New Atlantic class is a strange ship, Its classified as a runabout but its bigger, 3 decks.... definitely two, but from the way it looks, you could imagine 3 decks, so its bigger than a danube class. link some info on the ship.

Quoting Memory Beta:
The Pleiades was a new class introduced in the Ships of the Line calendar. The designer Mark Rademaker describes it as a New Atlantic-class runabout. Additional images of the class by Rademaker show its modular characteristics: the lower section of the ship is a large module, additionally smaller side modules can be fitted to that, as well as two small module slots on the top of the ship. The Pleiades is shown with the scout module section, fitted with a side long range image sensor and top mounted torpedo and "longbow" sensor modules.

here is a picture of the ship: (also from Memory Beta)

Mod Edit: Hotlinking is a no-no. Save your images to your host site (photobucket for example) then it's okie dokie :)
 
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From that image I don't see how you can have three decks, the windows and door clearly show that it has only two deck, an upper and a lower/module deck.

Also I'm fairly sure the board rules forbid hotlinking images from sites that aren't your own.

Can't really disagree with what has been said and suggested so far. But I'm interested to see where this is going. There are a lot of things to like here, such as a story set on a small runabout instead of a major starship and a sexy computer avatar (who seeps with the captain?)

They should see a doctor about that...
 
Never seen that ship before but I gotta say that looks like a sweet ride. Looks sleek and fast. And I dig those experimental (?) rounded nacelles.

And yeah, judging from that picture it be kinda tricky to squeeze three decks in that thing.
 
I think, a better solution for me would be to write a bit of a prologue to the story, setting a get more background, and making the characters more dynamic.
 
To paraphrase a quote attributed to Zefrem Cochrane, "Don't try and make your character a great man, just make him a Man". (same goes for the ship).:bolian:
 
Just came up with an idea to make the Pleiades, have three decks. The article on Memory Beta i quoted above says that the ship is modular and the lower half of the ship are the modules, well I guess the one in my story has a 2 deck module added to the existing one deck...could make sense right?
 
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