It's just that it's been like this for several years now. I'm a constant bother to my parents since I can't seem to manage to earn enough money to support myself, I have terrible self esteem and hence no love life for a long time, and now that I'm finally 25 and can start being taken seriously in the work market (since apparently you grow up when you're turn 25), there's no jobs!
I've part by part given up what I want.
And one day you will end up as a bitter, old man. Don't give up your dreams! Maybe you need to make compromises, but don't give them up completely. And if you have the feeling that low self esteem is really a problem, why don't you try to buy (or borrow) a book about self-confidence? That might at least help you to represent yourself in front of others. Which again might help you in an interview situation.
And write speculative applications! A collegue of mine got her job by chance, because she had send us a speculative application and my boss needed some help at that time. Whatever you do, just don't give up so soon.
I actually had a good talk with my mom yesterday about how I feel. Well, more like me trying to keep up the facade and failing horribly by starting to cry, but then the talk came about. We're going to see if we can get some stuff going, that maybe I can make some small commercial bits for the web for my current working place. They need PR, and I can do it for them. And hopefully we can go a bit from there and make people see what I've done by myself and that I could be a valuable co-worker.
Also mom thinks that I should have an appointment with a doctor about anti-depressive medication. My first impulse was that that's giving up, but then the logic kicks in and pokes with the fact that I've pretty close to that point anyways. We'll see what happens there.
A good thing with meds would probably be a boost in self esteem. Which is shit, and has been like that for a long time. I've made steps to improve it by seeing to that I exercise a bit every day, which is helping me lose weight, which I hope will help me with my self esteem.
And now I think it's time for another three.
1. I have Asperger's Syndrome. Which is a form of high functioning Autism. I don't have it as severe as other people and am rather well functioning, but there are some things that make a bit different. I find a lot of social mannerisms and behaviors odd and long winded, but I play along to not stand out too much. Also I lack and auditory filter. Which means I hear
everything. All the time. Which means that sometimes it can seem that I'm not listening, but that's not true, I just can't filter you of for all the other shit. Hence because of this, I like playing music
LOUDLY when able.
2. I have pretty major memory gaps from childhood but especially from age ten to thirteen. This is because during this period I was bullied and abused extremely heavily and my mind has blocked out bits to keep from self destroying.
3. I hate smoking, but there's a certain brand of cigarette that I get an intense nostalgic feeling from smelling. I have to keep myself from just inhaling it deeply, that's how pleasurable it is.