Tell me all your problems...

[Holdfast]

... and I will provide advice.

Bear in mind, I will not be held responsible in any way, shape or form for you actually following through on my advice. In fact, death will often be a more than likely consequence if you were to take my advice. Hopefully death by laughter, but a more painful death cannot be ruled out.

Remember, this thread is not about ethically helping you with your problem (although my genius means help may result as an incidental side-effect), but rather helping me give full flight to my more sociopathic and narcissist urges. Think of me as your agony uncle, with the emphasis on the agony.

Small problems welcome, big problems welcome, real problems welcome, fake problems welcome. Funny and embarrassing problems are the most welcome of all.

And remember, no matter what the problem is, and no matter what advice I offer, you won't be any more fucked up than you will be after watching this video:

[yt]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uovMpapeCJQ[/yt]​

Now dance for me, my children.

 

[ITL]

Caution! If you feed him, he grows strong. And more evil. Just saying...

 

[Holdfast]

Caution! If you feed him, he grows strong. And more evil. Just saying...

Dude, if you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen and get a woman back in there to do the cooking for you.

 

[ITL]

Caution! If you feed him, he grows strong. And more evil. Just saying...

Dude, if you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen and get a woman back in there to do the cooking for you.

 

[Holdfast]

Golden Robot Friends of Dorothy are not eligible for my advice, sorry. There's only so much I can do.

 

[T'Baio]

I went through the DSM IV and, apparently, I have everything.

What should I do?

 

[ManOnTheWave]

I have a slight headache. Have all day. Should I try to ride it out? Or perhaps impale myself on a traffic cone? Any advice given will be greatly appreciated.

 

[the Dagman]

Okay, here's a real one:

I just found out that an old friend that I have known since we were in the second grade died yesterday. He was 44. And he is the second friend from my class who has died from a heart attack in as many months. So I am not having a good day.

 

[Garm Bel Iblis]

I'm always tired, my wife always has be doing chores and helping her around the house, i want to veg outand watch star trek and not go to my in-laws and make "EVENTS" out of my weekends. I just want to sit on my butt for a afew hours with a good book.

 

[Holdfast]

I went through the DSM IV and, apparently, I have everything.

What should I do?

Wait for DSM-V to come out, so you can diagnose yourself with another 300 new disorders. Then wait for the drug companies to discover their exisiting drugs will magically work for all of them. After that, it's just the case of buying them all over the internet.

I have a slight headache. Have all day. Should I try to ride it out? Or perhaps impale myself on a traffic cone? Any advice given will be greatly appreciated.

Three martinis will shift even the toughest headache.

What you do with a traffic cone in your own time is up to you.

I just found out that an old friend that I have known since we were in the second grade died yesterday. And he is the second friend from my class who has died from a heart attack in as many months.

Join Facebook.
Find another old friend from the same class.
Poison them with arsenic to mimic a heart attack.
Trouble always comes in threes, ergo you're now safe.

I just want to sit on my butt for a afew hours with a good book.

If you're going to subject your butt to that, get a thin paperback.

 

[T'Baio]

I went through the DSM IV and, apparently, I have everything.

What should I do?

Wait for DSM-V to come out, so you can diagnose yourself with another 300 new disorders. Then wait for the drug companies to discover their exisiting drugs will magically work for all of them. After that, it's just the case of buying them all over the internet.

Am I legally entitled to drugs for conditions for which I have diagnosed myself?

What of rare, unprofitable conditions and the inevitable orphan drug syndrome? Who do I need to kill to get meds left behind?

 

[Garak]

My penis is way too big and I'm far too nice to people. Sometimes I think my stuffed animals have feelings and am afraid of upsetting them, and trees often make me jealous.

What should I do?

 

[publiusr]

I'll bite:

This is just a taste of the misfortunes that I have met with--more than one person should bear.

My biological father was born to another woman, my biological father to another man. I was adopted by simple farmer folks who (though they loved me and taught me well--better than any yuppie) didn't understand the need of academics--and who had a lifetime of ill health. My grandparents were all dead by 1976. One shut the door on my little finger as a child by mistake. (hurt her more than it did me.)

My mothers house was burned down when she was a little girl, and the family cheated on many occasions. My dad wrecked my Moms car playing good hearted Sam while his vehicle was in the shop. He got snookered by home repair rip offs--vinyl siding on the eaves of his brick house at full price--asphalt scams, etc. He complained about back pain for two years before we got the result of the off site MRI--the day we buried him.

His spine was a mass of tumors that spread to his legs and he had a knot on his aorta. He complained of back pain for years and was ignored. He died one year to the day after Columbia fell from the stars. I dreamed of him having a full head attached to the body of an infant (as a baby, he had a shoebox for a cradle BTW) My Mom died four months later, around the time Reagan died--and that's all people talked about while my grief went in another direction.

No lawyer would take the case of malpractice.

I sold the family home to pay off their debt and mine. I put some of their meds on my Credit card.

My townhouse flooded the one day I was out of town to visit my Aunt. I told her things would get better if things would quit tearing up. True story--including the fact that once, while trying to find a Sunday paper left over on Monday morning that usually is found all over, I got disgusted driving all over town. I said "God, what are you going to do to me now?"

The brake pedal went to the floor.

This is why I know there is a God and that he hates me very much.

I did work for a man and got 300 dollars that was going to pay my property tax. The brake repair cost $288. Mechanics read "bleed the brakes" as "New master cylinder"

My tax rebate was almost enough to pay for my house insurance this year, and I paid last years property taxes by working my week's vacation (two checks) The vac-check just paid my property tax.

I am melting my credit cards, my cars have both been in the shop--and once I walked from downtown Birmingham to Pinson because the grease monkey mechanic refuesed to give me a ride home (Phelco).

After that, both cars were broken into. I drove the Cutless this past week, and it fails to start stranding me at the Chevron after filling the damn thing full. More shop repairs.

I don't have the money to go anywhere or buy much I'd like to due to endless bad luck. I turn 44 this september and never went to the Beach. Ever.

The bad luck started early enough.

In school a kid swipped my pencil. The teacher made him give it back. I I removed it from him quickly. "Don't snatch it" The schoolmarm them made me give MY pencil back to the punk who stole it so I could nicely take MY property back.

First day of school a student sat next to me at lunch. He had a bowl of ice cream. I didn't . I asked to share--and was refused. The next day, stupid me bumed a quarter or two from Mom (who just got nuked with Cobolt for Cancer). I had ice cream--and this same student didn't.

He wanted some of mine and I said "You didn't share with me yesterday, so I'm not going to share with you today"

The teacher passed by and forced me to share my ice cream. "But but" No explanation would do. The third day I sat by myself at lunch-so no one would ever take anything away from me again. I did this all in school.

Big mistake.

As an adult I figure that the young child might have been poorer. Maybe the kids were oppressed by Bull Conner and I was experiencing payback as one of the few Gringos left.

Recently I dreamed that both my parents were still alive, but would not speak to me. As a young child, I once dreamed that I was in a haunted house. I moved to a room in the darkness. There stood something that looked like a glowing angel and a similacrum of my mother.

Both their eyes were filled with hate. Hell of a thing for someone to dream as something little more than a toddler.

Here is a lesson to you. Don't play not to lose--or you lose everything. As we learned in NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN--the more you try to get back--more is going out the door.

Don't keep to yourself.

Oh--and one more thing---God doesn't make deals.

That's how I know that I am going to burn in torment--cause the first thing I'm going to do on Judgement day is to punch my guardian angel dead in the face--and his Boss too.

 

[LitmusDragon]

I have the head of a cat. Halp

 

[Holdfast]

Am I legally entitled to drugs for conditions for which I have diagnosed myself?

No. You must first pay me an extortionate sum so I can act as the gatekeeper to your supply of prescription goodies.

Either that or you may the same extortionate sum to a guy named Carlos who will provide Colombian marching powder that will have much the same effect.

You pays your money and makes your choice.

What of rare, unprofitable conditions and the inevitable orphan drug syndrome? Who do I need to kill to get meds left behind?

Obama. Think about it.

My penis is way too big and I'm far too nice to people. Sometimes I think my stuffed animals have feelings and am afraid of upsetting them, and trees often make me jealous.

What should I do?

Your stuffed animals do have feelings. They are very annoyed by your incessant masturbation over them every night before you go to sleep.

I suggest camping out in the forest and hugging the trees instead. Soon you will learn to love the feeling of hard wood against you instead of being morbidly jealous of it and taking your latent aggression out on your poor stuffed animals.

...

Holy shit, you expect me to read all this and care enough to make funny about it? My advice to you is get a proofreader and an editor.

 

[K'Ehleyr]

Dear Dr Holdfast,

I have taken a bet with Son that I would do a stand up comedy thingy gig at a local pub that has an open mic night. I have just phoned them to ask if I could have a 3 min slot ~ hoping the answer would be no. And damn and blast they said yes and are looking forward to seeing me.

Dr Holdfast, what do I do? I have 4 jokes ~ actually observations ~ I am not a fan of the 'knock knock' variety.

If I talk very slowly do you think I will be able to make up the time. Any tips?

 

[trekkiedane]

 

[Holdfast]

I have the head of a cat. Halp

Be grateful that you don't have the body of a cat or we'd have got you neutered a long time ago. It's only a TV, stop trying to hump it.

Dear Dr Holdfast,

I have taken a bet with Son that I would do a stand up comedy thingy gig at a local pub that has an open mic night. I have just phoned them to ask if I could have a 3 min slot ~ hoping the answer would be no. And damn and blast they said yes and are looking forward to seeing me.

Dr Holdfast, what do I do? I have 4 jokes ~ actually observations ~ I am not a fan of the 'knock knock' variety.

If I talk very slowly do you think I will be able to make up the time. Any tips?

Invite your son along, drag him onto stage and spend the three minutes telling the audience about the time you caught him trying to achieve auto-fellation (feel free to substitute an embarrassing anecdote of your choice, rather than just relying on my terrifying subconscious).

You win your bet, the audience will find it hilarious, and best of all, your heating bill will be paid for at least a month by the heat radiating off his bright red face.

 

[T'Baio]

What of rare, unprofitable conditions and the inevitable orphan drug syndrome? Who do I need to kill to get meds left behind?

Obama. Think about it.

But I'm Canadian.

Can you help me with that, too?

 

[ITL]

Golden Robot Friends of Dorothy are not eligible for my advice, sorry. There's only so much I can do.

Upset, will he be. *ahem* Sorry.

Anyhoo...I am afflicted with Northerner-ossity. Apparently I was born with it, so I'm lumbered. But coping is so difficult now that I live in the land of the Shandy Drinkers. They seem to think I'm constantly on the brink of Coal Delivery, Whippet Racing and worst of all....Flat Cap Wearing.

ADVISE ME!