Generally speaking I've been quite content with the efforts of Star Trek Continues. But there are momentary lapses where I feel something was off or didn't quite ring true. So to that end I've decided to take a pass at tweaking one of their scripts to see how I might have done it.
In the first case I've chosen the script for "Lolani." In my view this has been STC's strongest effort to date, and it was their second episode. However, as much as I enjoyed it there were moments I think where it could have been a bit better.
And so, just for fun, here we go.
Here's how I tweaked this scene:
INT. SICK BAY
Lolani rests, seated and huddled on a sick bay bed, still frightened. She is beaten up a bit and bruised. Security chief Drake stands by in case she becomes violent. DR. MCCOY checks on her as Kirk and Spock enter.
KIRK : Bones. How’s our patient?
MCCOY: Oh, she was confused when she came to, but she settled down during our tests. There are bruises and contusions indicating she’s been in some altercation. I also detect traces of blood that’s not hers. (he looks at her in frustration) Not that I can get a word out of her to confirm any of that.
DRAKE: Captain, a further scan of the transport revealed the bodies of three Tellarites. We’re likely to find more answers over there.
KIRK: Agreed. You and Mr. Spock beam over and see what you can find out.
MCCOY : Also, the girl has been tattooed with some kind of symbol.
DRAKE : It’s an index symbol we were able to use to track down a partial record.
KIRK: And?
DRAKE : She was sold 4 days ago to a Tellarite by the name of Sev Bim Jor directly from one of Rigel VIII's wealthiest traders.
KIRK : Perhaps someone wasn’t happy with the transaction.
SPOCK : There is the only person still alive who can confirm that. (Kirk approaches the girl) Careful, Captain. The power of the Orion pheromones is a…
KIRK: Spock, it’s fine.
Kirk approaches Lolani.
KIRK (CONT’D): What’s your name?
Lolani says nothing.
KIRK (CONT’D) : We’d like to help you. But to do that, we need to know what happened.
Lolani looks at him mistrustfully and turns away. Kirk steps back to McCoy and Spock.
MCCOY : You’re losing your touch, Jim. (Kirk gives McCoy a look.) I know she can hear...maybe she can’t understand us. Maybe she can’t talk.
SPOCK : More likely discouraged from doing so. Approximately seventy years ago the Orion women held dominion over the men. But after a revolt and civil war, the males gained control. Rather than abolish the slave trade, they continued it and in many ways, made it worse.
Lolani remains silent and wary, listening to his words.
SPOCK (CONT’D): The women are bred without education or opportunity. In part, to keep them subservient, and in part, as an act of revenge.
KIRK : First the men were slaves to the women, now the women are slaves to the men...
MCCOY: Why does anyone have to be a slave to anyone?
Dr. MCKENNAH enters carrying a clipboard.
MCKENNAH: Gentlemen. (to Kirk) Dr. McCoy requested my presence.
MCCOY: I thought her expertise might be useful in communicating with our patient.
KIRK: Either she can’t speak or won’t speak.
MCKENNAH : I find it hard to believe she spent years around slave traders without picking up any language at all.
LOLANI: Lolani. (They all turn and look at her in surprise)
LOLANI (CONT’D): My name is Lolani.
Kirk looks at McCoy.
LOLANI (CONT’D): Please don’t be angry with me. I apologize if I’ve harmed anyone.
SPOCK : Not only can you speak...you do so quite well.
LOLANI: Not knowing if you were friend or foe, I remained silent.
KIRK (to Spock): Logical.
LOLANI: I was born and raised off world. But when my parents died unexpectedly I was taken back to Rigel VIII and forced into slavery. The things they did to me...the things I was made to do...
KIRK: I’m sorry.
LOLANI (Agitated): Please don’t take me back there. You cannot imagine what it’s like...
She shakes with anxiety. Kirk is moved by her words.
KIRK: Easy. We’ll do whatever we can to help. For the time being, you’re safe...and free.
She smiles. She reaches over and touches Kirk’s hand. Kirk and McCoy are being affected by Lolani’s pheromes.
KIRK (CONT’D) (to McCoy): Bones, if she’s medically cleared, perhaps we could move her to guest quarters.
SPOCK (Looking wary) : Are you certain, Captain?
KIRK: It’ll be fine.
MCCOY (smiling): That sounds like an excellent idea.
KIRK : Dr. McKennah, if you would accompany her.
MCKENNAH: It would be my pleasure.
All I've done in this scene was to tweak the dialogue just a bit so it sounds (to my ears) a bit more like TOS rather than contemporary sounding dialogue.
Although it isn't in spelled out in this draft I chose not to include the part referencing that Kirk kneels in front of Lolani. That struck me as out of character. I do see Kirk approaching her in a non-threatening way and when he puts his hand on the side of the bed Lolani then puts her hand upon his. This is where we get a clear indication that Lolani's pheremones are at work and we get Spock's expression of concern.
Prior to this scene we have the events on the Bridge during the opening teaser. In that scene the only thing I would have changed was the reference to a specific class of ship for the Tellerite transport. TOS never used that practice. As such I would have had Spock or the new Navigator simply say the design was that of a Tellerite transport and not use any specific class name.
In the first case I've chosen the script for "Lolani." In my view this has been STC's strongest effort to date, and it was their second episode. However, as much as I enjoyed it there were moments I think where it could have been a bit better.
And so, just for fun, here we go.
Here's how I tweaked this scene:
INT. SICK BAY
Lolani rests, seated and huddled on a sick bay bed, still frightened. She is beaten up a bit and bruised. Security chief Drake stands by in case she becomes violent. DR. MCCOY checks on her as Kirk and Spock enter.
KIRK : Bones. How’s our patient?
MCCOY: Oh, she was confused when she came to, but she settled down during our tests. There are bruises and contusions indicating she’s been in some altercation. I also detect traces of blood that’s not hers. (he looks at her in frustration) Not that I can get a word out of her to confirm any of that.
DRAKE: Captain, a further scan of the transport revealed the bodies of three Tellarites. We’re likely to find more answers over there.
KIRK: Agreed. You and Mr. Spock beam over and see what you can find out.
MCCOY : Also, the girl has been tattooed with some kind of symbol.
DRAKE : It’s an index symbol we were able to use to track down a partial record.
KIRK: And?
DRAKE : She was sold 4 days ago to a Tellarite by the name of Sev Bim Jor directly from one of Rigel VIII's wealthiest traders.
KIRK : Perhaps someone wasn’t happy with the transaction.
SPOCK : There is the only person still alive who can confirm that. (Kirk approaches the girl) Careful, Captain. The power of the Orion pheromones is a…
KIRK: Spock, it’s fine.
Kirk approaches Lolani.
KIRK (CONT’D): What’s your name?
Lolani says nothing.
KIRK (CONT’D) : We’d like to help you. But to do that, we need to know what happened.
Lolani looks at him mistrustfully and turns away. Kirk steps back to McCoy and Spock.
MCCOY : You’re losing your touch, Jim. (Kirk gives McCoy a look.) I know she can hear...maybe she can’t understand us. Maybe she can’t talk.
SPOCK : More likely discouraged from doing so. Approximately seventy years ago the Orion women held dominion over the men. But after a revolt and civil war, the males gained control. Rather than abolish the slave trade, they continued it and in many ways, made it worse.
Lolani remains silent and wary, listening to his words.
SPOCK (CONT’D): The women are bred without education or opportunity. In part, to keep them subservient, and in part, as an act of revenge.
KIRK : First the men were slaves to the women, now the women are slaves to the men...
MCCOY: Why does anyone have to be a slave to anyone?
Dr. MCKENNAH enters carrying a clipboard.
MCKENNAH: Gentlemen. (to Kirk) Dr. McCoy requested my presence.
MCCOY: I thought her expertise might be useful in communicating with our patient.
KIRK: Either she can’t speak or won’t speak.
MCKENNAH : I find it hard to believe she spent years around slave traders without picking up any language at all.
LOLANI: Lolani. (They all turn and look at her in surprise)
LOLANI (CONT’D): My name is Lolani.
Kirk looks at McCoy.
LOLANI (CONT’D): Please don’t be angry with me. I apologize if I’ve harmed anyone.
SPOCK : Not only can you speak...you do so quite well.
LOLANI: Not knowing if you were friend or foe, I remained silent.
KIRK (to Spock): Logical.
LOLANI: I was born and raised off world. But when my parents died unexpectedly I was taken back to Rigel VIII and forced into slavery. The things they did to me...the things I was made to do...
KIRK: I’m sorry.
LOLANI (Agitated): Please don’t take me back there. You cannot imagine what it’s like...
She shakes with anxiety. Kirk is moved by her words.
KIRK: Easy. We’ll do whatever we can to help. For the time being, you’re safe...and free.
She smiles. She reaches over and touches Kirk’s hand. Kirk and McCoy are being affected by Lolani’s pheromes.
KIRK (CONT’D) (to McCoy): Bones, if she’s medically cleared, perhaps we could move her to guest quarters.
SPOCK (Looking wary) : Are you certain, Captain?
KIRK: It’ll be fine.
MCCOY (smiling): That sounds like an excellent idea.
KIRK : Dr. McKennah, if you would accompany her.
MCKENNAH: It would be my pleasure.
All I've done in this scene was to tweak the dialogue just a bit so it sounds (to my ears) a bit more like TOS rather than contemporary sounding dialogue.
Although it isn't in spelled out in this draft I chose not to include the part referencing that Kirk kneels in front of Lolani. That struck me as out of character. I do see Kirk approaching her in a non-threatening way and when he puts his hand on the side of the bed Lolani then puts her hand upon his. This is where we get a clear indication that Lolani's pheremones are at work and we get Spock's expression of concern.
Prior to this scene we have the events on the Bridge during the opening teaser. In that scene the only thing I would have changed was the reference to a specific class of ship for the Tellerite transport. TOS never used that practice. As such I would have had Spock or the new Navigator simply say the design was that of a Tellerite transport and not use any specific class name.
