Star Trek XI Caption Contest #22: Captain's Log

[Rat Boy]

Don't make S'Racist hit you over the head with a cane, because it's time for another caption contest. Let's chip in for last call with...

This! Is! Jeopardy!

...and now, the final question, Spock.

Who won the Grammy for Best New Artist of 1989?

Spoiler: The answer...

Tracy Chapman.

Sometimes getting one's priorities in order takes time...

Kirk: It's last call and you're the only other one here. This night was such a waste.

Pike: I just offered you a career, dumbo.

Glad we got that narrowed down...

Starfleet Judge: "Witness, can you identify the murderer!"

Alien Witness: "Yes your honor, he was a white male human in a red uniform."



.

Congratulations to the winners. In this episode, Robau's courageous, Kirk's cocky, and Pike's captured. Have fun and we'll have another go at it in three weeks:

 

[Rat Boy]

Robau: "Our formula is this: we go out, we hit people in the mouth."

Kirk: "My chair has a joystick on it. Your argument is invalid."

Pike: "God, it was horrible. After the eel, they made me watch reruns of The Nanny."

 

[cooleddie74]

ROBAU: Charge the main phaser banks...load a spread of photon torpedoes...

and prepare my Badassness Bomb for detonation on my command!!

KIRK: Alert Medical.

Then tell the Galley to bring me a hoagie with everything on it. And a Coke, too.

This simulation trainin' is hard on a fella!

PIKE: Damn.

I was hoping you were the Dominatrix again.

 

[Smellincoffee]

Robau: Alert me when we're in range to deploy The Weapon.
Helmsman: Weapon range in three, two...one!
Robau: Deploying weapon! *stands up*

Director: Um, Chris?
Chris Pine: Yeah?
Director: We have a budget. You don't have to pretend the ship being struck is jerking you around. Our bridge moves.

Pike: You expect me to talk?
Kirk: Nah. I'm thinkin' promotion.

 

[Nerys Myk]

ROBAU: Name another bald Captain as badass as me!

GALIA (vo) So I switched the program, like you said.

KIRK: Hmm,shouldn't have put that on speaker.

PIKE:Damnest root canal I've ever had.

 

[SPCTRE]

...

...

Sorry, can't do it.

No caption in the 'verse could do the sheer badassery displayed here any justice.

...

Okay, I'll try.

THE 'BAU: I know what you're thinking. "Did he fire sixteen photon torpedoes or just fifteen?" Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as this is a Kelvin class heavy cruiser, the most powerful starship in the universe, and would blow your bridge clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?

 

[UFO]

If that prick shines one more light in my face …

That's what I said last time, but apparently you have to supply your own apples.

Kirk: Coooool! They have one just like this in the dungeon at the Tower of London exhibit!

 

[Jonas Grumby]

Kirk: "Gee, I dunno, Cap'n. Cutting you loose and getting you safely back to the Enterprise? That's a lot of responsibility for an Academy screw-up like me. On the other hand, if I were a hot-shot on the fast track to a captaincy..."

 

[bullethead]

Robau: This is it men. The greatest challenge we could ever face.

A ship full of Orion slave girls.

Kirk: Uhura, do me a favor and cut that indie shit out.
Uhura: We need it for the montage.
Kirk: What montage.
Uhura: The one for you getting tossed out on your ass for cheating.
Kirk: This isn't the CW and besides, I have my own leitmotif. So fuck your shit.

Pike: For fuck's sake Kirk, stop looking at those things and untie me!

 

[6079SmithW]

My thread will be closed after a mere 8,000 posts? This does not please me.

 

[Isis]

ROBAU: Name another bald Captain as badass as me!

Crewman: "Mind if I name two?"

 

[FormerLurker]

Captain Robau was getting tired of these newfangled coed restrooms without the dividing walls.

Kirk found out a little too late that singing "Silly little love song" on the bridge of the simulator wasn't going to get him a date with that hot young cadet, Uhura.

Dear God, please don't make me watch Nemesis again!

 

[Captain Crow]

[Robau sits. Fart sound]

Robau: Who dared pull the whoopee cushion trick om me?

 

[Yeoman Randi]

ROBAU: Name another bald Captain as badass as me!

Crewman: "Mind if I name two?"

Crewman dies immediately upon receiving Robau death glare.

Kirk: Yodel-ay-ee-who!

Alien crewman behind Robau: *thinking* Just gonna check the tv schedule for the week...what's the worse that can happen?

 

[Itisnotlogical]

Robau: Crewman.

Crewman: Yes, Cap'n?

Robau: What the fuck is Twilight doing on my viewscreen!?

Pike: No... NO! NOOOOO...

Kirk: Pike, Pike, sir, its just me!

Pike: OH GOD NO MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOOOOOP!

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

"That's All-Federation's stand. Are you in good hands?"

 

[LeadHead]

Thanks for the win!

Sound of a Whoopie Cushion

Robau: Aw, man. Could my day get any worse?

Kirk: Alert Medical.

McCoy: Medical is sitting right here genius.

 

[cooleddie74]

ROBAU: Polarize the viewscreen...

And someone Turtle Wax my scalp! PRONTO!!!

KIRK: I'll have you know my father beat this simulation in only twenty-five tries.

 

[6079SmithW]

Robau: Don't worry, crew! I know some maneuvers. We'll shake 'em off. Evasive pattern delta five!

Crewman: Ummm, that's it? That's your maneuvers? All we're doing is listing lazily to the left.

Robau: Well, I mean we're not in the same place we were before. That ought to confuse them.

Crewman: Yeah, but, all you did was list kinda lazily to the left!

 

[LeadHead]

Robau: Don't worry, crew! I know some maneuvers. We'll shake 'em off. Evasive pattern delta five!

Crewman: Ummm, that's it? That's your maneuvers? All we're doing is listing lazily to the left.

Robau: Well, I mean we're not in the same place we were before. That ought to confuse them.

Crewman: Yeah, but, all you did was list kinda lazily to the left!

On the Narada

Ayel: Where did they go?

Nero: There they are, listing lazily to the left! Go left! Go Left!

Ayel: Man, this guy knows some maneuvers.