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Star Trek: Voyager - Restart

The shuttlecraft, a type 9 vessel released from the USS Ponce de Leon near Bajor, had dropped off Tom Paris and his pilot, who would be ferrying the both of them to the Voyager. She was blonde-haired, and had deep blue eyes; she was a total beauty, the kind Tom would've bought a drink for in a bar, had she even responded with more than a cursory glance during shuttle prep. All he got from her was that her name was Stadi, and her pips gave her away as a Lieutenant. "Ice queen" came to mind.

The trip to the vessel was remarkably silent...almost uncomfortably so. From Stadi's perspective, she could almost feel Tom's eyes on her, and she could even hear his thoughts, even though he was trying (unsuccessfully) to think about the ship or something else. Her golden-blonde hair was done in a low bun, and her uniform did not hide her figure much.

The shuttle approached DS9, and Stadi did a passby of the vessel docked at the upper pylon.

"That's our ship," she finally said. "That's Voyager. Intrepid class; twenty decks, crew of 192. Sustainable cruise velocity of warp factor 9.975. Bio-neural circuitry."

"Bio-neural?" Tom asked, not having heard the phrase, and also surprised she was finally speaking.

"Some of the traditional circuitry has been replaced by gel packs that contain bio-neural cells. They organize information more efficiently, speed up response time."

"What would your response time be to an offer of a drink at Quark's before we shove off?" Paris smiled as he looked out the window at the ship, leaning over her left shoulder.

"Only five nanoseconds to return a null response," Stadi replied, a bit of sarcasm in the otherwise prim voice.

"Ouch," Paris joked. "How about a first name, at least?"

"Lieutenant Stadi should be enough for now, Mr. Paris," Stadi replied, preparing her final approach to DS9's runabout pads. "I'm on duty, and I have work to do other than ferrying you about on an errand of mercy."

She might not have meant it, but that bit stung Tom, who sat down for the rest of the trip on the bench in back of the shuttle as it landed on DS9. This wasn't going to be a joyride, he thought to himself.
 
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Zuzana is pretty, but what I wanted was someone who naturally LOOKS dangerous, and maybe have her keep a bit of her eastern european accent too.
Veronica Zemanova? Vanessa Upton? (2) I'm not too familiar with many eastern European actresses, but I'll look it over and see what I find. Veronica Vanoza's mouth looked a little odd in the headshot I saw, perhaps there's a better one somewhere?

Also, I like the idea of her keeping the accent...it could serve as an 'Orion' accent she gets from her mother.
 
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Zuzana is pretty, but what I wanted was someone who naturally LOOKS dangerous, and maybe have her keep a bit of her eastern european accent too.
Veronica Zemanova? Vanessa Upton? (2) I'm not too familiar with many eastern European actresses, but I'll look it over and see what I find. Veronica Vanoza's mouth looked a little odd in the headshot I saw, perhaps there's a better one somewhere?

Also, I like the idea of her keeping the accent...it could serve as an 'Orion' accent she gets from her mother.
It would emphasize that english isn't her first language. And Zemanova would be prefect in ANY role.
 
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"Shields at 60%," came the voice of the black Vulcan, Tuvok, reporting to Chakotay, his voice raised over the alarms.

You literally lost me right here. Five sentence/paragraphs in and you're already spouting shield percentages? Maybe you should think about re-structuring "Caretaker"?

What's the point of re-writing it if you're only going to nip at the edges?

Might want to also change "black Vulcan" to "dark skinned Vulcan" or just plain "Vulcan". Sometimes it's more fun for the reader if you leave certain things vague or give hints as to what the characters background and physical characteristics are.
 
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