Originally posted on fanfiction.net - Link.
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The Ensign of Penzance
“Okay, this is it. I can do this,” Boimler babbled to himself while fidgeting nervously. “This is my big chance to really impress the captain and finally get noticed.”
“Hey, relax Boims. You got this,” Mariner assured him as the two of them stood off to the side in the Officer’s Lounge. “Trust me. These guys are pushovers. Just one inspiring, scintillating performance and you’ll be on the fast-track to promotion for sure.”
“Right. Gotta keep my eye on the prize,” Boimler sighed steadying himself. “Thanks for setting up this opportunity for me.”
“Eh, no problem. What are friends for?” Mariner waved as she moved to take a seat. “Plus, this’ll make a great addition to the ‘Best of Boimler Bloopers’ I’m putting together to show at this year’s New Year’s Eve party.”
“Gee, thanks,” Boimler grumbled rolling his eyes. “It’s obvious what exactly you think friends are for.”
“Thank you Lieutenant Shaxs for that amazing display of classical Bajoran ballet,” Captain Freeman applauded as Shaxs gracefully pirouetted off the stage and took a seat in the audience. “Now for a little something from our junior officers’ ranks, in his Senior Officer Lounge debut, please welcome Ensign Brad Boimler.”
“Uh, hello sirs and ma’ams,” Boimler nervously strode onto the stage and stood in front of a microphone. “Um, thanks for having here. I mean, thanks for being me. I mean, uh…”
The Cerritos’ senior officers blandly stared back. “Come on, Boims. Get on with it!” Mariner hissed from her seat.
“Right. Here it goes,” Boimler took a deep breath, closed his eyes and began to sing as a selection of accompanying music played over the lounge speakers.
“I am the very model of a modern Starfleet officer!
Proficient in the use of a phaser, combadge and tricorder!
To regulations, protocols and General Orders I adhere,
Except for inconsistent cases where I’m not to interfere!
I'm very well informed in the field of Xenobiology!
I know the difference between a Bolian and a Tzenkethi!
I’ve studied killer crystals, marcoviruses and a tar pit!
And able to identify forms of life not as we know it!
For every species that’s appeared in text or on a display screen,
I know them all including those mentioned but have never been seen!
In conversing logically via universal translator,
I am the very model of a modern Starfleet officer!
I know the arts and cultures of every listed sentient race!
Whether they be non-corporeal, silicon or carbon based!
I’m familiar with historical trivia and minutiae!
Especially from Earth’s twentieth to twenty-first century!
I’m quite well versed in musical and literary masterworks!
From Milton, Shakespeare, G’trok, Doyle I can quote with apropos quirks!
Or play a piece of Mozart, Chopin, Berlioz or jazz with ease!
While singing about distant love found somewhere beyond Antares!
My endless search for knowledge marks me as a deep space pioneer!
Philosophizing about life while out on the final frontier!
Whether making a stirring speech or calibrating a sensor!
I am the very model of a modern Starfleet officer!
My fluency in techno-terms is without peer in every way!
I can operate all kinds of tech using an LCARS display!
From transporters to ship warp cores I fix and keep them up to spec!
And even the inevitable malfunctioning holodeck!
With other species I engage in witty banter and retorts!
While using hand-to-hand combat or torpedoes as last resorts!
When danger threatens to break out or lives are full of fear and stress!
I mentally remind myself that out here ‘Risk is our business’!
While at times filled with terrors and fears to make anyone’s brain throb!
Where weirdness, strangeness, chaos and madness are all part of the job!
Still, I wouldn’t trade my life as an intrepid space explorer!
For I’m the very model of a modern Starfleet officer!”
Boimler finished with a proud smile as he finally opened his eyes. “Thank you! Thank you very…huh?” He blinked at the array of empty lounge chairs. Only Mariner remained. “Hey, where is everyone?”
“You didn’t hear? They ran out two seconds after you started,” Mariner jerked a thumb at the doors. “They were all called away to the Bridge. The ship’s at Yellow Alert!”
“What?!” Boimler yelped. “But…but…”
“Good thing we’re both off duty,” Mariner took a swig of something green from the lounge’s bar. “No running around like headless chickens for us. Nothing to do but sit tight and hang around waiting.”
“The timeless motto of ship’s personnel everywhere,” Boimler groaned sinking to the floor. “If only it wasn’t also the perfect description of my current Starfleet career!”
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Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek: Lower Decks or the song "I am the Very Model of a Modern Major General".
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The Ensign of Penzance
“Okay, this is it. I can do this,” Boimler babbled to himself while fidgeting nervously. “This is my big chance to really impress the captain and finally get noticed.”
“Hey, relax Boims. You got this,” Mariner assured him as the two of them stood off to the side in the Officer’s Lounge. “Trust me. These guys are pushovers. Just one inspiring, scintillating performance and you’ll be on the fast-track to promotion for sure.”
“Right. Gotta keep my eye on the prize,” Boimler sighed steadying himself. “Thanks for setting up this opportunity for me.”
“Eh, no problem. What are friends for?” Mariner waved as she moved to take a seat. “Plus, this’ll make a great addition to the ‘Best of Boimler Bloopers’ I’m putting together to show at this year’s New Year’s Eve party.”
“Gee, thanks,” Boimler grumbled rolling his eyes. “It’s obvious what exactly you think friends are for.”
“Thank you Lieutenant Shaxs for that amazing display of classical Bajoran ballet,” Captain Freeman applauded as Shaxs gracefully pirouetted off the stage and took a seat in the audience. “Now for a little something from our junior officers’ ranks, in his Senior Officer Lounge debut, please welcome Ensign Brad Boimler.”
“Uh, hello sirs and ma’ams,” Boimler nervously strode onto the stage and stood in front of a microphone. “Um, thanks for having here. I mean, thanks for being me. I mean, uh…”
The Cerritos’ senior officers blandly stared back. “Come on, Boims. Get on with it!” Mariner hissed from her seat.
“Right. Here it goes,” Boimler took a deep breath, closed his eyes and began to sing as a selection of accompanying music played over the lounge speakers.
“I am the very model of a modern Starfleet officer!
Proficient in the use of a phaser, combadge and tricorder!
To regulations, protocols and General Orders I adhere,
Except for inconsistent cases where I’m not to interfere!
I'm very well informed in the field of Xenobiology!
I know the difference between a Bolian and a Tzenkethi!
I’ve studied killer crystals, marcoviruses and a tar pit!
And able to identify forms of life not as we know it!
For every species that’s appeared in text or on a display screen,
I know them all including those mentioned but have never been seen!
In conversing logically via universal translator,
I am the very model of a modern Starfleet officer!
I know the arts and cultures of every listed sentient race!
Whether they be non-corporeal, silicon or carbon based!
I’m familiar with historical trivia and minutiae!
Especially from Earth’s twentieth to twenty-first century!
I’m quite well versed in musical and literary masterworks!
From Milton, Shakespeare, G’trok, Doyle I can quote with apropos quirks!
Or play a piece of Mozart, Chopin, Berlioz or jazz with ease!
While singing about distant love found somewhere beyond Antares!
My endless search for knowledge marks me as a deep space pioneer!
Philosophizing about life while out on the final frontier!
Whether making a stirring speech or calibrating a sensor!
I am the very model of a modern Starfleet officer!
My fluency in techno-terms is without peer in every way!
I can operate all kinds of tech using an LCARS display!
From transporters to ship warp cores I fix and keep them up to spec!
And even the inevitable malfunctioning holodeck!
With other species I engage in witty banter and retorts!
While using hand-to-hand combat or torpedoes as last resorts!
When danger threatens to break out or lives are full of fear and stress!
I mentally remind myself that out here ‘Risk is our business’!
While at times filled with terrors and fears to make anyone’s brain throb!
Where weirdness, strangeness, chaos and madness are all part of the job!
Still, I wouldn’t trade my life as an intrepid space explorer!
For I’m the very model of a modern Starfleet officer!”
Boimler finished with a proud smile as he finally opened his eyes. “Thank you! Thank you very…huh?” He blinked at the array of empty lounge chairs. Only Mariner remained. “Hey, where is everyone?”
“You didn’t hear? They ran out two seconds after you started,” Mariner jerked a thumb at the doors. “They were all called away to the Bridge. The ship’s at Yellow Alert!”
“What?!” Boimler yelped. “But…but…”
“Good thing we’re both off duty,” Mariner took a swig of something green from the lounge’s bar. “No running around like headless chickens for us. Nothing to do but sit tight and hang around waiting.”
“The timeless motto of ship’s personnel everywhere,” Boimler groaned sinking to the floor. “If only it wasn’t also the perfect description of my current Starfleet career!”
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Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek: Lower Decks or the song "I am the Very Model of a Modern Major General".
