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Star Trek: A New Age

Did you see Comm. Officer and New Diplomat Assistant Chief Charlie Samuel (the brother of the Helmsman)?
I did, which kind of proves my point in that all your characters seem to be male.

I understand some people might find it difficult to write for the opposite gender but I read somewhere that the sex of a character should be one of the last things you decide upon. Though since you're going with the script style then assigning lines/actions to women would be just as easy as it is to men. Likewise with characters of different human-borne races and species from other planets (though its always my preference to write with a lot of aliens going about).
 
I did, which kind of proves my point in that all your characters seem to be male.

I understand some people might find it difficult to write for the opposite gender but I read somewhere that the sex of a character should be one of the last things you decide upon. Though since you're going with the script style then assigning lines/actions to women would be just as easy as it is to men. Likewise with characters of different human-borne races and species from other planets (though its always my preference to write with a lot of aliens going about).
I have a woman. Not all my characters are male.
 
And without further delay, here is my new draft script of STAR TREK: A NEW AGE

"Star Trek: A New Age"
Part I
Star Trek Act I:

On the Enterprise bridge...

LIEUTENANT COMMANDER WILLIAMS AT THE COMMAND CHAIR, CHARLIE AT COMMUNICATIONS, MISTER SAMUEL AT HELM, MISTER JANSEN AT ENGINE CONTROL.

SHIPS LOG, Lieutenant Williams in command. While chasing an Orion blockade runner, we have found a warp trail to planet K374. Pursuing at warp 7.

Williams: Zoom in on the Orion vessel. Give me a specific class.
(viewscreen activates and shows Orion vessel)

Samuel: Wanderer-class Blockade runner, sir. They’ve just dropped out of warp and dropped to Impulse.

Williams: Yellow Alert, Shields up, and reduce tracking speed. Ensign, open hailing frequencies: Orion vessel. You have violated Federation space. Please surrender your illegally obtained duranium and antimatter.

Charlie: Putting the message through, sir. (1 sec pause) No response, Commander.

Samuel: Shields are up, Phaser weapons standing by.

Williams: (addressing intercom) Mister Barex, Captain Mason, please come to the bridge, We’ve got them.
(a few seconds later, the Captain and First Officer emerge from the Turbolift; the Captain takes the center chair, the First Officer, walks to sciences. Williams reports to Navigation “NAV”)

Don: Where is their “cargo”?

Barex: On the planet, sir, and shielded.

Don: Confirm Condition Alert. Condition Yellow.

Jansen: (at engineering) Shields and Deflectors up, sir.

Don: What could shatter their shields? Could a mix of the Phasers and Photon Torpedoes do it?

Barex: Inadvisable, Captain. It may destroy the cargo.

Don: How about a Deflector pulse, to overlap.

Barex: Not without recalibrating the shields, a task requiring us to drop all shields.

Don: Fire all weapons.

Williams: Launching Photons. (one photon, then a second later, another, then another, then another.) Shield weakened. You could take a shuttle.

Don: Beam it up.

Jansen: The Transporters are out. I’ll need 10 more minutes to reactivate the Phase inducers and calibrate Targeting scanners.

Don: I’ll take a shuttle. Mister Samuel, you are with me. Mister Barex, you have command of the bridge.

Barex: Yes, Captain. Prepare a 3 second fluctuation on aft shield number 2.

Williams: Yes, Commander.

CAPTAINS LOG. Emergency Condition 1. Chasing an Orion starship is harder than you think. We have found it.

On the shuttle...

Samuel: I can set you down – here!

Don: Let’s use the Escape Transporters. NOW!

(the two are beamed down.)

Samuel: This is bad.

(a firefight ensues and eventually the cargo is found)

Don: Mason to Enterprise. Beam us out of here!

Barex: Working on it, Captain.

In the Enterprise Transporter Room(Jansen at board)...

*Barex: Transporters.

Jansen: They’ve shorted out again! Wait, I can lock on to one person. Two.

*Don: Now would be a good time, Commander.

*Barex: Energize!

(Sam and Don beam aboard)

Jansen: Sir – I’m reading a Phaser beam in transit.

*Barex: Disperse it.

Jansen: Yes sir.

Don: Take me to the bridge.

*John: Hey, you need a good rest in sickbay.

On the Enterprise...

Barex: All cargo beamed aboard and accounted for.

Williams: The Orion ship has charged and locked her phasers – on us!

Don: Take us out of here, warp 5!

Samuel: (rotating chair to face away from captain) Warp 5, aye sir.

(the Enterprise warped out)

[THEME SONG]

On the Enterprise...

On the Holodeck...

(Barex is on a program resembling Vulcan)

(Don enters)

Don: Good choice, Commander.

Barex: I have observed that this program is quite popular.

Don: To many, Mr. Barex, this planet is quite alien.

Barex: But not to the two Vulcans and only Romulan onboard.

Don: The natives, and, mind you, yourself, do it because of it reminding them of home, and everybody else, to fit on.

(Barex is about to answer but his communicator chirps)

(Barex taps his combadge)

*Williams: (on combadge), Commander, another ship has disappeared.

Barex: Any pattern, Lieutenant?

*Williams: Two, sir. The first, each ship reported contact with a Romulan vessel before disappearance. The second is that the vessels were all within 12,000 kilometers of Kerelium 3.

(Don joins the conversation)

Don: We will continue our normal mission, then double back to the third planet. Commander Williams, I will be on the bridge, Barex, you are with me. Lieutenant, until I get there, you have the bridge.

Barex: Aye sir. Computer, end program.
(The Holodeck simulation disappears)

Captains Log, Stardate 9115.2, the Enterprise is on a routine mission to Kerelium 5. Although this mission seems strangely ordinary, I can’t help but feel like it will be anything but ordinary. We also hope to, with Admiral Jansen’s, Henry’s approval, we can go to the unexplored Kerelium 3 and set up a colony there..

On the bridge...

Barex: (surrendering chair) Captain on the bridge.

Don: Report.

Barex: Very odd readings, Captain. I read several destroyed or damaged buildings, some sort of weapon signature, and many low and high-yield phasers.

Don: Interesting, Mr. Samuel, plot a course 1814-Mark-3 and engage at maximum warp. Blue Alert. Raise all shields.

Samuel: Aye sir.

Don: Lt. Samuel, monitor subspace frequencies, I want to know what people are saying, I will be in my ready room if anyone needs me, Barex, you have the conn.

Charlie: Yes sir.

In the ready room...

(Barex enters the room)

Barex: I have gone over the duty roster. You command Alpha Shift, I, Beta, and Commander Sontak, Gamma Shift.

Don: Yes –

(the intercom beeps)

*Jansen: We are within transporter range of Kerelium 5.

Don: Make preparations to beam me down. Williams, you have the bridge, but, Barex, you have command. Work at sensor control. Mr. Samuel, with me.

*Jansen: I can only transport two at a time.

Don: Then Vance.

In the transporter room...

Don: I will lead an away team, Mr. Vance, you are with me, energize!
(Don and Vance beam down to Kerelium 5)

On Kerelium 5...

Vance: Barex was right, several destroyed buildings.

Don: Cover that direction, Lieutenant.

Vance: Captain! Several armed life forms heading towards us!

Don: Let’s wait for them.

(the people arrive)

Villager 1: And just who the hell are you?

Villager 2: They’re Starfleet!

(Villager 1 sets his phaser to stun)

Don: What happened?

Villager 2: Warships came, from another planet, possibly Kerelium 3. They attacked, our defenses held them off but they got what they wanted.

Vance: What did they want?

Villager 1: Kerelium.

Vance: (Holding Tricorder) He’s right, Captain, last scans suggested a high Kerelium content, on this planet, it’s all gone.

Don: Mason to Enterprise, two to beam up.
(Don and Vance beam up to Enterprise)

On Enterprise bridge...

Captains Log, Supplemental. It seems I got my wish, with or without Starfleet orders.

Don: Charlie, updates.

Charlie: I found several messages in a language resembling Romulan but neither I nor our computers could translate.

Barex: (walking over) Let me read it, the Authum language, V’Kel’Shon Zeta, Niv Enterprise.

Don: English please?

Barex: Commander Zeta, find Enterprise.

Don: Yellow Alert, whatever attacked Kerelium 5 may still be here.

(Williams reports to the tactical station)

Williams: Shields are up, sir. Full power.

(the Enterprise is hit)

Computer: Condition Red!

Williams: A plasma weapon just hit our shields! They are holding.

Don: Return fire!

(Enterprise takes a second hit)

Williams: Shields at 68 Percent!

On Authum Ship...

Sgt. Tak: They’re Phasers and Photon Torpedoes are powerful, shields at 74 percent and holding.

Sub Lt. Velak: This is engineering, I predict next hit will take out the cloaking device.

Lt. Cretum: Commander, I recommend we re-cloak.

Commander Zeta: Engage the cloaking device, Lieutenant.

Lt. Cretum: Aye sir.

On Enterprise bridge...

Barex: They have cloaked, I have no readings.

Don: What do you make of it?

Barex: Our computers do not know, but I would liken it to a Romulan warbird. Correction, an Authum one. I will prepare a report.

Don: Mr. Samuel, set course for Kerelium 3, warp 2.

Samuel: Aye sir.

Don: (using the intercom) John, have sickbay ready.

John: Is there ever a time when sickbay is not ready?

(Don closes the intercom)

Don: I call a tactical briefing of all senior officers. Ensign Samuel, you have the bridge.

Charlie: Yes sir.

In the conference room...

Jansen: Here is a size comparison of an Enterpise-class starship to an Authum warbird. Basically the same. Their tactical systems consist of Disruptors, of unknown type and Deflector Shields as well as Photon Torpedoes an Photon mines. They possess a cloaking device.

Barex: My cousin is one of their senior leaders. He, like myself is a Romulan. He has Romulan technology. An alliance is evident.

Don: We need more information. Everyone, you lead a department. Mister Vance keep your people on Security Alert, Code 1. Issue Type-2 phasers. Work with your people to create a solid defense against our new enemies. I want hourly status reports, from all stations and divisions. Unless someone else has something to say, adjourn the conference. Good luck.

Several minutes later...

Barex: We are in range of Kerelium 3.

Don: I want you to lead an away team, you can take anyone you want except Mr. Williams.

Barex: (switching on communicator) Jansen, Vance, meet me in the transporter room. Set Phasers to stun.

On Kerelium 3...

(the away team appears)

Jansen: (using tricorder) I am detecting a large power source, and a powerful computer.

Vance: We should split up, it will take a lot of time to cover all of this land but it will be quicker if we split up.

Barex: I disagree.

K Computer: Subject identified as enemy. Begin extraction sequence 1.


On Enterprise...

Williams: Shields have only recharged up to 80 percent efficiency.

Don: Yellow Alert.

(The Red Alert klaxon sounds as the Enterprise is hit)

Williams: Shields weakening!

Don: Status report!

Williams: Shields down to 64 percent.

Don: What weapon takes out 16 percent of our shields?

Williams: Plasma disruptors, sir.

Don: I thought those were still in the design phase...

Charlie: We are being hailed, sir.

Don: Put it on the main viewer.

Charlie: Frequencies open.

(the screen shows an Authum solider pointing a disruptor at Jansen)

Commander Zeta: Disengage or your second officer dies.

Don: I don’t make house calls, even if my chief engineer is in them. (makes a motion to Charlie to close frequencies)

(the screen goes dark)
 
And the rest of it (due to character limits)

On Kerelium 3 (in the mind of Barex on USS Adventurous)...

Madison: Identify!

Henry Jansen: Sensors read Klingon Battle Cruisers.

Madison: Fire, Lieutenant Barex!

Barex: Enemy vessel advancing to our port, sir, training disruptors!

(Adventurous is hit)

Madison: Damage report!

Henry Jansen: Heavy damage to aft bulkheads. Emergency force-fields online.

Main support pylons buckling, emergency pylons in place.

Madison: Return fire!

(Adventurous is hit again)

Madison: Mr. Barex, report.

Barex: Shields at 27 percent, we are surrounded, Captain. Our shields would likely not hold long enough to get away, in order to engage maximum warp without ramming the Klingons, we would need to clear their small armada, while our shields would have collapsed before then.

Madison: Helm, plot a course, attempt to flank their lead ship.

Barex: What is my rank and position?

Madison: Barex?

Barex: With all due respect, sir, that is a serious question, Captain.

Madison: If you insist, Lieutenant Junior Grade, Third Officer and Tactical Officer Barex.

Commander Zeta: See, Barex, this is the pain I can relieve you of, or do I have to go farther back?

Barex: This is not pain, this is simply my past.

Commander Zeta: Let me present to you, the future you have deprived yourself of.


On a Romulan ship (in the mind of Barex)...

Commander Barex: Fire!

Subcommander Zeta: The Enterprise is advancing to 314 Mark 6 port, sir.

Commander Barex: Target their engines.

Centurion Cretum: Direct hit!


On Enterprise (in the mind of Barex)...

Don: Damage report!

Williams: Shields down to 58 percent.

Don: Mr. Jansen, report.

Jansen: Warp engines down, Impulse engines at 50 percent.

Don: Fire phasers!

Williams: Minimal damage.

Don: Number One, program a torpedo spread, target the weakest areas of their shield grid.

Jansen: Aye, sir.

(the Enterprise is hit again)

Samuel: Ahhh!

Don: Fire!

(Samuel is thrown to the ground by an explosion)

Jansen: (looking at his display) Damage control teams, deck 14! (looking up at the captain) Shields down to 35 percent.


On a Romulan ship (in the mind of Barex)...

Commander Barex: Report!

Sgt. Tak: Shields at 69 percent.

Commander Zeta: See?

Barex: It is highly illogical that you advocate for an enemy, also highly illogical that I pursue this future, killing my comrades is hardly an ideal environment.



Star Trek Act 2:

On the Enterprise...

Don: Helm, plot a course, 167 mark 11 and engage at maximum warp.

Samuel: Aye, sir.

Williams: Delay the order, Lieutenant!

Don: Mr. Williams, please explain yourself.

Williams: (standing up) We can’t just leave the members of the away team.

Don: Yes we can, Lieutenant. And take your station, mister.


A few minutes later...

Williams: Detecting energy surge. Authum cloaking device.

Don: Is there any nearby Nebula or Asteroid Field/Belt?

Samuel: An Asteroid Field. 10 minutes away at maximum warp.

Don: Red Alert, engage! Warp 9!


On the Authum Ship...

Lt. Cretum: Commander! The Enterprise is moving off at warp 9.37!

Commander Zeta: Maximum shields. Pursuit course, Warp 12! Keep that cloak online!

Sgt. Tak: Yessir!!!


On Kerelium 3...

Barex: Commander Zeta, I would prefer it if you came over here.

Commander Zeta: Fine.

(Zeta walks over to Barex)

(Barex neck pinches Zeta)

Barex: Mr. Jansen, attempt to shut down or destroy this computer. Mr. Vance, I need you to guard the room, you will be our, in human terminology, scout.

Vance: That’s about right.

(Barex seeks the katra points on the neck of Zeta and begins a mind meld)

Barex: My mind to your mind ... my mind to your mind ... our minds are merging.


In the mind of Zeta and Barex:

Barex: You do not have to kill, you could adopt a peaceful life.

Commander Zeta: Such a life would not ensure order.

Barex: On the contrary, a peaceful life would ensure order. Order is peace.

Commander Zeta: Peace requires allegiance, obedience, and strong leadership.

Barex: Peace requires not complete obedience but general obedience, a good leader is needed in any organization.

Commander Zeta: The Authum can provide all of this.

Barex: The Authum would infringe of the rights of others and attempt complete control of the lives of others, and very possibly, a leader the people would not like, but under the rule of this person, they cannot share their opinions.

Commander Zeta: I will myself to break the meld!


On the Enterprise...

Charlie: No sign of Authum communication, Captain.

Don: Take us in.

Samuel: Aye.

Don: Take us behind that large asteroid and standby.

Williams: Orders, sir?

Don: Battle Stations.

(Red Alert)


On the Authum Ship...

Lt. Cretum: Nearing Asteroid belt.

Commander Zeta: We have to de-cloak for a high resolution scan, but we can search. Pattern Alpha Omega 3.

Lt. Cretum: Pattern AO3, aye.

Commander Zeta: Take us to a small asteroid –

Lt. Cretum: I’ve got him.

Commander Zeta: Charge Plasma Disruptors and prepare to de-cloak and fire.

Sgt. Tak: Aye.


On the Enterprise...

Don: Full shields. Repeat: full on forward shields. Ensign, patch me in on the intercom.

Charlie: Open.

Don: All decks, brace for impact of Plasma on our Deflectors!

(suddenly, the Enterprise’s screens are hit)

Williams: Shields down to 48 percent!

Don: Fire all Phasers.

Williams: They’re cloaking!

Don: Hard to port, Lieutenant: course 315 mark 218. Warp 1 evasive.


On the Authum Ship...

Commander Zeta: Move us 10 romeasures (Authum units) and then cut all power except for Plasma Disruptors as level 3 and Life Support. De-cloak and make him think we’re dead.

Lt. Cretum: All powerplants shutting down. Weapons ready at 1/3 charge.


On the Enterprise...

Charlie: I am detecting an SOS from the enemy starship.

Samuel: Ship dead ahead. All power dead except for emergency.

Don: Shields?

Williams: They’re shields are down. This may be a trap.

Don: Take us in, Mister Samuel. One-quarter impulse.

(suddenly the ship is hit and Charlie is thrown from her console)

Charlie: I’m alright!

Williams: They fired multiple shots. Shields are down completely.

Samuel: They’ve locked in a collision course!

Don: Tractor Beam?

Williams: Offline.

Samuel: They’re weapons grid is down; it was overloaded.

Don: (pushing intercom) Engineering! Emergency hull separation!

*Sotam: Negative, sir. Such would take 5 minutes to calibrate.

Samuel: Collision in 10 seconds: 9, 8, 7, 6.

Don: Now!

*Sotam: Aye

(the Authum ship passed between the separating parts of the ship)

Don: Fire!

(Phasers lance out from both sections and cripple the Authum vessel)

Don: Take us out of here!


On the Authum ship...

Commander Zeta: Damage report!

Lt. Cretum: Primary and secondary power offline, our shields are down, and the weapons grid is fried!

Commander Zeta: Damage control teams to primary systems and emergency power!


On Kerelium 3...

Jansen: I cannot destroy or shut down this computer without a good Photon Torpedo.

Barex: That gives me an idea...

(Zeta wakes up and slaps Barex)

Zeta: Your worst nightmares might make you join me!


In the mind of Barex on the Enteprise bridge...

Barex: Fire!

(the Enterprise is thrown about)

Williams: Deflector Shields holding, sir.

Barex: Target their warp engines and shield generators.

Williams: Targeting... Targeting... Firing!

Barex: Prepare Torpedo spread on enemy engines.

Williams: Enemy shields fluctuating... fluctuating... gone!

(Barex moves to Science station attempting to lock onto Captain Mason)

Barex: Locking on to holding cell. Compensating for particle drift, beam blockage, and, forcefields. Energizing...

(the Enterprise is hit)

Williams: Transporters offline! Shields down to 47 percent!

(Zeta appears)

Zeta: Your worst nightmare. You suppress it, but it exists. Your captain dying.


In the mind of Jansen in Engineering on the Enterprise...

(the Enterprise is hit)

Jansen: (calling Don) Warp containment fields are failing! Shields down to 10 percent and gone!

*Don: All hands to shuttles and escape pods!

(the Enterprise is destroyed by a warp core breach)

(Zeta appears)

Zeta: Your worst nightmare, a warp core breach.


In the mind of Vance on the Enterprise in a hallway...

Vance: This is deck 2. We are being boarded.

*Don: Security teams ready.

(Telarites beam aboard but their first boarding party is stopped)

Vance: Party down.

(the security party sighs but more Telarites kill the party and attack the bridge)

(Zeta appears)

Zeta: Your worst nightmare, the ones under your command killed, your commanding officer attacked. Watch, as your ship is destroyed.

*Williams: Shields down to 68 percent, 36, 4!


Act 2:



On Kerelium 3...

Commander Zeta: How about you, Vance? Have a dream?

Vance: Maybe.

Commander Zeta: Of course you do, now I will show it to you.


On the Enterprise in a hallway in the mind of Vance...

Major Vance: The VSF people are ready, right!

Lt. Jackson: Yes sir!

Corp. Brian: Major, are we ready?

Major Vance: For lunch? Of course!

Commander Zeta: The VSF; Vance Security Forces. All if you join me, Major-

Vance: Lieutenant Vance.

Major Vance: Stop this Romulan!

Corp. Brian: What Romulan?

Major Vance: I don’t feel so well, I’m going to go down to sickbay. Mr. Jackson, you have command of my men.

Lt. Jackson: Sir?

Major Vance: (walking away) You have your orders.

Jansen: Snap out of it!


On Kerelium 3...

Vance: How long was I out?

Jansen: Not important, Zeta is unconscious.

Barex: You talked about a Torpedo, my tricorder reads Uranium. I would like you to load some of this Uranium gel into a Torpedo casing and fire, it needs to have a long range remote so we can get away and detonate from afar.

Jansen: You want me to make a nuke?

Barex: Yes, essentially a Nuclear Missile.

Jansen: I think I just said that. Anyway, except for the remote, I think I can do it.

Barex: We could use one of our communicators.

Vance: I volunteer mine.


On Kerelium 3…


Personal Log, stardate 9421.3. We are working to escape the third planet of the Kerelium system. We are creating a warhead to destroy the Authum.

Barex: Status, Commander.

Jansen: I’ve completed the transmitter and are now working on the warhead.

Barex: Prepare for long range launch. (into communicator) Barex to Enterprise. Please come in. Repeat: Commander Barex to Enterprise.

Vance: Can’t you do this any faster, Mister Jansen?!

Jansen: Show a little more respect to a senior officer, Lieutenant.

Barex: Your emotional responses weaken us which is exactly what Commander Zeta desires.

Jansen: Fine, sir! Fine! You try to create a Nuclear Missile! You to try to destroy the enemy facility!

Barex: You will continue your work, Mister Jansen. That is a direct order. Lieutenant Vance, you will continue to keep guard, that is an order.


On the Enterprise bridge...

Williams: They’re decloaking!

Don: Fire!

Williams: It was just a stray distortion field that appeared to be tachyon. Excelsior is warping out – Saratoga is – Hathaway is leav – Hathaway is gone, sir!

Don: Gone?

Williams: It appears that it was hit with a high-energy plasma weapon that breached their aged shields. They are still a Castredinum model – not the new Diobsum-Obsium mixture.


Act 3:

On Kerelium 3...


Jansen: Warhead ready. The Photon casing has to be specially configured to penetrate their shielding but that would be done in a few minutes time.

Barex: Do everything you can. Mister Vance, how much do you know about creation, arming and firing of Photon Torpedoes. Manual, of course.

Vance: A good amount, not as much as Lieutenant Williams but a good amount. I am your tactical officer during beta shift.

Barex: Assist Mister Jansen. Cooperate and coordinate in all ways.

Vance: You know we loathe each other?

Barex: You are supposed to be able to resist unfortunate conditions, both physically and mentally, as an Andorian. Such feeling against a senior officer are illogical. You will carry out my orders.

Vance: (sadly) Aye, sir.


On the Enterprise bridge...


Don: Send a log buoy to Starfleet Command at Starbase 15.

Williams: Aye, sir, we have emerged from the warp.

Don: Set course for Kerelium 3, maximum warp.

Samuel: Warp 8, aye sir. Sir, we are not engaging.

Don: Why? Just give me the engine room, then.

*Sotam: Engineering here, Captain.

Don: Take us to warp 8. Fine warp 6.

*Sotam: We have to go to warp factor, 2, 3, or 4. The engines are heating up.

Don: Fine, warp 2.


On Kerelium 3...


Barex: Fire!

(the missile hits and destroys the facility.)

Barex: Barex to Enterprise. Beam us up, Enterprise. 3 subjects.


On the Enterprise...

Don: Ready Phasers.

(Yellow Alert)

Williams: Perimeter alert, sir! Authum warbird decloaking.

Don: Lt. Samuel, signal Red Alert.

Charlie: Battle Stations! Phaser Control Rooms, stand by. All stations show ready, sir.

Don: This time, we fire first. Fire all Phasers!

Williams: Hit.

Don: Mister Samuel, take evasive maneuvers and drop shields to beam landing party aboard. Transporter Room, energize!

*Transporter Technician: We got them, sir.

*Barex: No injuries, Captain.

Don: Report, to the bridge, all of you. Raise all shields.

(a console explodes and the Enterprise is hit)

Don: Damage Report.

Jansen: (emerging from turbolift) Deflector System offline, hull breaches on decks 10 through 15, main power offline, and heavy casualties on the secondary hull. Light damage on primary hull.

Don: Fire Photon Torpedoes!

Williams: Miss!

Barex: They are cloaking.

Don: Phasers set to proximity blast. Fire on their last known position!

Williams: Direct Hit!


On Authum ship...


Lt. Cretum: Hull integrity failing!

(part of the ceiling caves in)

Commander Zeta: Emergency Thrusters, take us out of here!



On the Enterprise...

Barex: We got them. The debris we have detected on accounts for part of the ship. They may have escaped.

Don: Learn what we can.


On Starbase 15 in Admiral Jansen’s Quarters...


Henry: Most interesting report, Don. “Henry”? This is an official report. We may be friends, but you don’t go around referring to an Admiral by their first name. These Authum, we must create a defense against their Plasma weapons, and a way to get through their cloak and mines.

Don: I’ll do what I can. But you and your son must work to install these defenses on the Enterprise for testing.

Henry: Okay, future Admiral.


The End

Based on "Star Trek" created by Gene Roddenberry
 
It is pretty awkward to read seeing as how it is mostly just dialogue. I'd suggest a little more in the way of setting for each scene and "stage directions" as well.

So when they it cuts to the bridge saw who is where and what the general atmosphere would be (tense, relaxed, jovial, stressed, etc) just to help give some feeling to it. And when characters are talking, again include something to show what their motivation is, or in action scenes where do they go and what do they do if there isn't a lot of talking taking place.
 
It is pretty awkward to read seeing as how it is mostly just dialogue. I'd suggest a little more in the way of setting for each scene and "stage directions" as well.

So when they it cuts to the bridge saw who is where and what the general atmosphere would be (tense, relaxed, jovial, stressed, etc) just to help give some feeling to it. And when characters are talking, again include something to show what their motivation is, or in action scenes where do they go and what do they do if there isn't a lot of talking taking place.
Dialogue is an avenue of storytelling.
I also have stage direction.
Any other feedback (on drama, general, story, etc.)?
 
And clarification: the Commander Zeta on Kerelium 3 is a hologram.
Sorry if it was confusing to see him on both his ship and on Kerelium.
 
Next I plan to do a Mirror Universe story (possibly having the standard and mirror personnel interacting)
And, for future stories, I might have Lieutenant Commander Sotam (the ships 67 year old Science Oberserver who occasionally fills in for Cmdr. Barex (Lt. Williams also does that)) with his 30 year old son, Strand (a civilian observer).
 
I did, which kind of proves my point in that all your characters seem to be male.

I understand some people might find it difficult to write for the opposite gender but I read somewhere that the sex of a character should be one of the last things you decide upon. Though since you're going with the script style then assigning lines/actions to women would be just as easy as it is to men. Likewise with characters of different human-borne races and species from other planets (though its always my preference to write with a lot of aliens going about).
I have 2 senior aliens (the Romulan Science Officer Barex and the Andorian Security Chief Vance)
 
Most people would see "Charlie" and automatically think "male".

It is pretty awkward to read seeing as how it is mostly just dialogue.
Exactly why I loath script-format. At least he didn't center-justify it.
 
Charlie is a name fitting both major genders.
It is, but far less common for women than it is for men. Names like Pat, Fran, and Chris/Kris are more gender-neutral.

As to the story: it is very hard to follow, with it being just dialog for the most part. I'm not sure how much your stage directions would help fill in the reader's mental image of the setting. Again, unless you're actually writing for a film / play production, please Please PLEASE stay away from script format. P-L-E-A-S-E!

As to the story: The "K computer", what it is or why they needed to shut it down, as never explained. At the top of the second post, Barex has some, what, mental flashbacks, that I don't understand. Are these simply memories, or are they induced by the "K computer" or by Zeta? Later, you have Barex, a Romulan, perform a neck pinch and a mind-meld. By all known and accepted canon, Romulans lost these abilities long ago in their divergent evolution after leaving Vulcan.

The plot is both simplistic and yet still not fully developed. There appears to be a ton of action and little else, with too many holes left unfilled. This limits the characters, making them fairly two-dimensional. The dialog suffers as well for the same reason. To be honest, I think the whole thing is sub-par for what I expected to see. I've read many of your postings, and I believe you are a much better writer than this. Seriously, I encourage you to try again using standard prose (past-tense, please) with more color/flavor to paint a picture for the reader.
 
Dialogue is an avenue of storytelling.
I also have stage direction.
Any other feedback (on drama, general, story, etc.)?
The characters are all in the same niche. All written with one voice; explore rewording your dialogue a bit. What makes these characters different from one another, and what would you like to explore from those characters in future stories? Whatever it is, I think you could implant these ideas in their mindset in this tale?

How does this mission progress the goals of these characters or just one character? It could be positive or negative? For example: Some characters it could be an escape or some a prison; hating they're assigned on board. A character may harbor a disease or mental illness the crew does not know about or medical wasn't aware of but it could be fairly recent?
 
It is, but far less common for women than it is for men. Names like Pat, Fran, and Chris/Kris are more gender-neutral.

As to the story: it is very hard to follow, with it being just dialog for the most part. I'm not sure how much your stage directions would help fill in the reader's mental image of the setting. Again, unless you're actually writing for a film / play production, please Please PLEASE stay away from script format. P-L-E-A-S-E!

As to the story: The "K computer", what it is or why they needed to shut it down, as never explained. At the top of the second post, Barex has some, what, mental flashbacks, that I don't understand. Are these simply memories, or are they induced by the "K computer" or by Zeta? Later, you have Barex, a Romulan, perform a neck pinch and a mind-meld. By all known and accepted canon, Romulans lost these abilities long ago in their divergent evolution after leaving Vulcan.

The plot is both simplistic and yet still not fully developed. There appears to be a ton of action and little else, with too many holes left unfilled. This limits the characters, making them fairly two-dimensional. The dialog suffers as well for the same reason. To be honest, I think the whole thing is sub-par for what I expected to see. I've read many of your postings, and I believe you are a much better writer than this. Seriously, I encourage you to try again using standard prose (past-tense, please) with more color/flavor to paint a picture for the reader.
The extraction sequence is beaming.
The K Computer is Zeta's mainframe. The flashbacks were induced by the K Computer but controlled by Zeta (he controls the computer). And Barex was raised on Vulcan. I am of the opinion Saavik is half Romulan. Part of the same experiment that caused that, Barex was a completely Romulan child but adopted Vulcan abilites and traditions from his time there. He was rescued by a Vulcan Freighter which led Starfleet Starships (such as the USS Endeavour, a Horizon class Heavy Cruiser).
Barex later joined Starfleet.

I will attempt to comply with your other directives. Thank you for your opinion.
:)
 
It is, but far less common for women than it is for men. Names like Pat, Fran, and Chris/Kris are more gender-neutral.

As to the story: it is very hard to follow, with it being just dialog for the most part. I'm not sure how much your stage directions would help fill in the reader's mental image of the setting. Again, unless you're actually writing for a film / play production, please Please PLEASE stay away from script format. P-L-E-A-S-E!

As to the story: The "K computer", what it is or why they needed to shut it down, as never explained. At the top of the second post, Barex has some, what, mental flashbacks, that I don't understand. Are these simply memories, or are they induced by the "K computer" or by Zeta? Later, you have Barex, a Romulan, perform a neck pinch and a mind-meld. By all known and accepted canon, Romulans lost these abilities long ago in their divergent evolution after leaving Vulcan.

The plot is both simplistic and yet still not fully developed. There appears to be a ton of action and little else, with too many holes left unfilled. This limits the characters, making them fairly two-dimensional. The dialog suffers as well for the same reason. To be honest, I think the whole thing is sub-par for what I expected to see. I've read many of your postings, and I believe you are a much better writer than this. Seriously, I encourage you to try again using standard prose (past-tense, please) with more color/flavor to paint a picture for the reader.
And why to shut down K Computer? To recover the Kerelium and defeat the evil Commander Zeta.
 
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