ST comic caption contest #6: "Well, actually..."

[F. King Daniel]

First, last time's winners...

Crusher: "Arise, creature of the pit! My will is your command!... what the heck?"

Fiend: "YOU SUMMONED ME...?"

Crusher: "I said Hell-derived henchman, not Hair-deprived Frenchman".

WORF: LaForge, NOW would be a very good time to turn off that Romulan warbird transponder you were fiddling with over your lunch break down in Engineering!

KIRK: I... didn't want to believe it. But it's true! The Enterprise is cheating on me with another captain!
SPOCK: There is the small matter of my fee...

Picard: Wesley, keep up! Now where was I? Oh yeah, now if you keep up that physical routine...Wesley, stop that at once, I told you don't have a hump on your back...anyways, if you keep up on that physical routine I showed you, you could have massive man pecks like me.

You are all...

And now, Star Trek: The Comic Caption Contest continues...

First, the TMP crew talk with their hands

Number One has something to say to Captian Pike

Picard is offered some Earl Grey

The TOS crew take a look at a new arrival

 

[Christopher]

KIRK: Duhh, we am struck with stupid ray! What we do about it?
SPOCK: ZZZZZZZZ....
McCOY: Doyy, what these long thingies on my hands?
SULU: Uhh, should me worry about big round thing coming closer really fast?

PIKE: What are you talking about, Number One? There's no hideous space monster out there.
NUMBER ONE: Damn, how much did I drink? This is the last time I let you pull that "bartender" line on me.

CREWMAN: Your tea, sir.
PICARD: You were right, Number One. Slaves are far more satisfying than replicators.

SPOCK: Excellent, Captain! It is still mint condition, never removed from box!
McCOY: Blast it, Spock! What good is a toy if you never play with it? You can't measure an object's value by its worth on the collector's market, you soulless hobgoblin!

 

[Captain Crow]

Ensign: Would you take your tea already! It's burning my hand!

Picard: Tea. Earl Grey. Hot.

Ensign Earl Grey: Here's your hot tea sir.

Picard: My god you're drawn badly! Are you suppose to be a man or a muscular woman?

Pike: Whose crabs are these?

Number One, embarrassed: Mine.

 

[Christopher]

Picard: Tea. Earl Grey. Hot.

Ensign Earl Grey: Here's you hot tea sir.

Dang, I wish I'd thought of that one!

 

[Rat Boy]

Kirk: "All right, all right, all right. First thing I'll do when we get back is get us some new uniforms, but you're going to all have to learn to live with red."

Spock: "If I were human, my response would be, 'I am screwed.' If I were human."

Pike: "Multiple eyed bug monster, impossible odds; I know exactly what we have to do! Number One, starting losing the clothes."

Number One: "What?!"

Pike: "Don't worry, I saw it in a video game."

A split second before Riker lifted his leg up, tripping the crewman, and spilling hot tea onto Picard's crotch.

Kirk: "Doesn't that jackass know that it's a non-smoking hangar deck?"

Spock: "Quite remarkable, Captain, since we haven't even depressurized the bay yet."

 

[Rat Boy]

Pike: "Wait, now I remember! Dolores!"

Picard: "Remember the rules. If Tasha says 'Hailing frequencies open,' we take a shot. If Worf says 'I'm a Klingon,' we take a shot. If Data says 'Intriguing,' we take two shots. If Geordi says 'My VISOR is picking up' something, that's two shots, too. If Wesley says anything at all, that's three shots. And if Beverly says 'Jean-Luc, there's something I have to tell you,' that's four shots. Got it?"

Riker: "We're going to get so wasted by the end of this episode."

 

[Christopher]

I just have to say, that's a surprisingly well-drawn profile of Troi in #3. Particularly considering that the art in DC's TNG comics was rarely all that good.

 

[JD]

Kirk: It was this big.
McCoy: Are you sure? It looked to more like it was this big to me.
Sulu: Really? I could have sworn it was this big.
Spock: I can assure gentelmen, the fish that the Admiral caught during his last camping trip was in fact 2.345618 feet in lenth.

Number One has something to say to Captian Pike

Number One: Captain, WAIT!
Pike: What?
Number One: Uhhh.... I forgot.

 

[Deranged Nasat]

Thanks for the win!

McCoy: "No, no, like this. Steeple the fingers, acting as bony and arthritic as possible, and then...'Excellent'. Take care you draw it out".

Sulu: "It's no use, doctor! I can't!"

Spock: "The mission to Montiburns III will proceed much more smoothly, lieutenant, if we use the traditional greeting".

Number One: "...and when a new, potentially hostile lifeform is bearing down on us, that's when I need to be at my best. In this situation, I use Boyce's Brainbooster, the only stimulant product scientifically proven to--"

Pike: "Dammit, you two, can you make the damn commercial some other time?"

Picard: "We appreciate the situation, Admiral, but you've interrupted the Happy Days marathon. May I submit that the crisis on Daled IV can wait?"

Admiral (offpanel, onscreen): "We're beginning to regret the lounge-style decor on the Galaxy-class bridge".

Spock: "Remarkable".

McCoy: "What?"

Spock: "Although I can determine no logical cause for the disquiet, I'm suddenly concerned that I may have left the iron on".

 

[SicOne]

6]

KIRK: Yo?

SPOCK: (Jeezus H Christ, here we go again...)

McCOY: Yo!

SULU: Will you two asshats quit flashing gang signs at each other and give me helm olders? The Klingons are closing! Sheesh!

PIKE: Bow-chick-a-bow-wow...hey there, Number One, are you ready for "Round Two"?...

NUMBER ONE: Captain, I'm only gonna say this once...it never happened. And if you tell anyone, I'm going to tell ALL female crewmembers that you were about this big...

CREWMAN: Some tasty hemlock, Captain?

PICARD: Unnamed replacable extra, you're quite the wit? Would you like to join the landing party at our next stop, Hieronomous 5? I hear the brain-sucking plants are an experience not to be missed!

SPOCK: What in the hell...?

McCOY: Who authorized a Duck Dodgers In The 24th-and-a-half Century crossover? Dammit, Spock; I'm a doctor, not a comic editor!

 

[SicOne]

KIRK: Hey, guys, do you remember if Commodore Decker fly the Constellation into the maw of the planet-killer, or did I?

SPOCK: (Clearly, SicOne knew...)

McCOY: Well, I thought it was Jim but there was some disagreement during the last caption contest between SicOne and some author that---

SULU: The video doesn't lie. Besides, SicOne is a genius and not to be questioned in such matters. Case closed!

PIKE: Number One, would you like to drive the ship for awhile?

NUMBER ONE: No, Captain. I'm concerned that some emergency that I had nothing to do with would arise and force me to take the helm, SicOne would make some good-natured jokes about female drivers, and someone else who shall remain unnamed would run the complete opposite direction with his comments, throwing the entire caption contest into WTF confusion and harshing everyone's mellow. But thanks, anyway.

CREWMAN: Tea, Earl Grey, hot, Captain?

PICARD: Thank you, Ensign Yellowshirt. Yes, I feel completely comfortable drinking hot tea and not worrying that it will spill all over me, since clearly Counselor Troi is sitting to my left and not at the helm. You KNOW how SicOne feels about such things...

SPOCK: Bones, what's with the smoke?

McCOY: Eh, I think it's some author whom he proved wrong, not acknowledging it and blowing off some steam. Don't sweat it, Spock. Hey, let's join SicOne for some beers!

 

[Steve Roby]

I have to say, if I was judging these, I'd disqualify the ones that don't match up to the number and placement of the word balloons. Chances are nobody else cares, though...

 

[Christopher]

I always try to match the number and placement of the word balloons. Doing otherwise feels like cheating, like only taking on half the challenge. I also try to take the size of the balloons into account, although a couple of times (particularly today) I've had to use more words than the balloon could hold in order to make the joke. (At least I try to honor their relative sizes, even if it requires assuming teeny-tiny print was used.) I think the one time I've broken word order was in the Picard/Crusher one last week, which was necessary since I was quoting Romeo and Juliet. (Adding a "ZZZZZZZ" for Spock in the first one is pushing it, but I felt it was acceptable because it would most likely be written as a sound effect rather than held in a balloon.)

 

[Deranged Nasat]

I have to say, if I was judging these, I'd disqualify the ones that don't match up to the number and placement of the word balloons. Chances are nobody else cares, though...

Oh, I've certainly had the thought somewhere in my mind, in all the contests I've entered. As you can probably see, though, I usually choose to ignore the thought. Although sometimes I don't. My winning entry for the last contest was one in which I did try to match the bubbles...

If it were an official rule, it's one I'd have no problem with, but as it is, I personally tend to just go with whatever strikes me, regardless of matching speech to bubbles. Sloppy, yes, but there you are. My first joke in one of these contests was about throwing faeces around. I think all standards went out the window there and then .

 

[Gepard]

Picard: "Remember the rules. If Tasha says 'Hailing frequencies open,' we take a shot. If Worf says 'I'm a Klingon,' we take a shot. If Data says 'Intriguing,' we take two shots. If Geordi says 'My VISOR is picking up' something, that's two shots, too. If Wesley says anything at all, that's three shots. And if Beverly says 'Jean-Luc, there's something I have to tell you,' that's four shots. Got it?"

Riker: "We're going to get so wasted by the end of this episode."

Picard: "And if Deanna says she's 'sensing' anything, finish the bottle."

Troi: [stares stoically, trying not to cry]

 

[F. King Daniel]

As far as rules and regulations go, I'd say try and keep the captions vaguely in line with the bubbles, their size and who's talking - but as you've seen by now, I'm not too fussed.



I'm also open to bribery

 

[milo bloom]

All: "*clap* I-N-G-O , *clap* I-N-G-O, *clap* I-N-G-O, and BINGO was his name-o. "

 

[Nerys Myk]

PIKE: Fine, I'll just call you "Number One".

 

[Bob Karo]

Number One has something to say to Captian Pike

Hunter: Come on, it's just a cup of coffee...

Majel: I'm warning you Jeff, Gene's the jealous type. He wouldn't hesitate to hire a new lead.

 

[ProwlAlpha]

First, the TMP crew talk with their hands

Kirk:So I got my nails done at W.S. Nails, what about you Bones?
McCoy:I did them myself, but I just can't get the gloss right.
Sulu: Come on guys, your sucking the testosterone out of the bridge. Besides, Dr McCoy your getting the mixture wrong.

Number One has something to say to Captian Pike

Number One:Captain, Captain, Captain, I need to ask you something. Captain Captainnnn.
Pike:What!!!
Number One:Can I have cookie?
Pike:That's it your now called Number Two.

Picard is offered some Earl Grey

Crewmember: Here's your tea, Captain.
Picard: Does it have the special sauce?
Riker: thinking (He enjoys the special sauce. I know I do.)

The TOS crew take a look at a new arrival

[/QUOTE]
McCoy: Jim, doesn't he know marijuana is still illegal?
Spock: It must be for his cataracts.