Shame and frustration

[propita]

Dude, this started decades ago, and it's understandable you want to start on "fixing" things now--but this is a marathon, not a sprint. It sucks to know that "all you have to do is start," but it's not that easy. It's a long road--but the good part is that you've been trying for years to "fix" things. This has a distinct possibility of being of great help--once you start rolling, all your past efforts will have a good direction to go, instead of some of your efforts going in false directions due to a lack of information.

You're on the road to improvement. You WILL get there. And you'll fall off the road once in a while because you're human; but it's right there, you're not falling far. You'll get up and get back on the road.

I'm on a nearby road, as I suspect others on this Board are their own. You can't see us, but we're rooting for you!

 

[Deranged Nasat]

TSQ, RJ, Propita, thank you. I truly appreciate the support. I keep reminding myself that the current instability I'm facing is actually a side-effect of change for the eventual better - I'm stepping up to my problems in order to try and move past them, rather than taking the "easy" way out and slinking back into back habits. I just have to remind myself to keep going.

 

[propita]

Definitely! Don't think that you're going to see clear results in just a few weeks. You have to keep going despite not seeing immediate improvement. After all, you have a lot of inertia pushing you the wrong way, it's going to take a while to see results. You will get discouraged, but so what?! You already know discouragement and disappointment, so just keep going anyway.

It took me easily 6 months to really see results. Two years on anti-depressants and the last four years off, and I still have relapses. I know it's easy to fall back. But the longer you go, the more inertia you have in the right direction.

One of the last times I saw the shrink some years back now, I asked him, "If I get self-confidence and self-esteem, what's going to keep me from going to the other extreme and becoming an arrogant asshole?" He said, "You could multiply your self-confidence and self-esteem by a thousand, and you'd still have less than zero. Don't worry about it, just keep going." I laughed at that and asked, "Is that really something you should be saying to someone like me?" He said that if he didn't think I could take it and laugh at it, he wouldn't've said it.

Don't give up!!

 

[rhubarbodendron]

some of you may know, I have a reasonably serious mental illness, as well as a physical (psychosomatic?) condition that often correlates.

Frankly, you seem far more sane than quite a few people I have encountered on this board. Not to mention some inhabitants of TrollKingdom or the German TrekBBS.

Try to ignore your limitations. In my experience, ignoring a problem will often make it go away (it propably gets bored and seeks out someone else it can annoy).
Also, the border between normal and not normal is quite wide. What your doctor may consider your limit may not necessarily be true. You are the only one who knows your limitations precisely. Maybe, if you push the borders a bit, you'll find out that they are wider than you previousely thought. I wouldn't be surprised if you found out that you can actually do much more than you believed.

Sometimes, though, one has to settle with the second best option since the best one is impossible to get. In such cases the trick is to accept the situation and make the best of it. If you can't be #1, you can at least try to be the best ever #2

 

[RJDiogenes]

Or just redefine for yourself what it means to be #1.

 

[rhubarbodendron]

precisely