Screwing up a great relationship

[Deckerd]

All of my relationships end the same way - they figure out we aren't playing a game.

As soon as something gets serious, I make it bluntly clear - No ring, no kids. Now most woman seem to think this is the start of some form of game and that I'm just waiting for the right person to come along and talk me into - and I'm not. So eventually they figure it out, they make the ultimatum and they don't like the answer and then it all generally ends.

Thankfully I seem to have meet someone who doesn't want kids either or a ring, so that suits us just both fine.

Does he like beer and football too?

 

[K'Ehleyr]

All of my relationships end the same way - they figure out we aren't playing a game.

As soon as something gets serious, I make it bluntly clear - No ring, no kids. Now most woman seem to think this is the start of some form of game and that I'm just waiting for the right person to come along and talk me into - and I'm not. So eventually they figure it out, they make the ultimatum and they don't like the answer and then it all generally ends.

Thankfully I seem to have meet someone who doesn't want kids either or a ring, so that suits us just both fine.

Does he like beer and football too?

On a more serious note (sorry that one just came out)... You either want the ring or don't want the ring. At the moment I want the ring, he doesn't. Fortunately kids are not an issue but the ring is I WANT THE RING

 

[nevermore]

Thankfully I seem to have meet someone who doesn't want kids either or a ring, so that suits us just both fine.

Does he like beer and football too?

Oh my.

Based on these criteria, I'm apparently a "he" as well. This is terrible. I'm going to need a whole new wardrobe. WHY DIDN'T SOMEBODY TELL ME SOONER?!?!

 

[Kestra]

All of my relationships end the same way - they figure out we aren't playing a game.

As soon as something gets serious, I make it bluntly clear - No ring, no kids. Now most woman seem to think this is the start of some form of game and that I'm just waiting for the right person to come along and talk me into - and I'm not. So eventually they figure it out, they make the ultimatum and they don't like the answer and then it all generally ends.

Thankfully I seem to have meet someone who doesn't want kids either or a ring, so that suits us just both fine.

It's good that you know what you want, you're honest about it, and you stick to it.

 

[Shaw]

I generally refrain from commenting on such things, but I'll weigh in here (sorry if this sounds blunt)...

...my boyfriend and I have been dating for two years.

-and-​

I'm 24 and right now I enjoy living on my own.

-and-​

I just want to enjoy dating for now, and worry about that other stuff later.

What I see is that you aren't willing to commit, but want this guy as a safety net. You are either in a committed relationship or you are not... and you sound like you want to be on your own (with benefits).

Why not find someone else you share ambivalence with? I'm sure there are lots of people who want to date with no strings attached, and having that type of common view of relationships would solve your problems.



Though I would point out that you most likely wouldn't get the type of attention from someone like that that you would get from someone wanting something more serious. But at least you would understand what it is like to be good enough for now for someone else (which is how you are treating your boyfriend currently).

... Or you could stop dating people altogether until you are ready to actually have a committed relationship.

I mean how do you know that you'll ever want to live with someone else if right now you enjoy living on your own? How can you know that you'll be together at some point in the future if you don't actually want to be together right now? Isn't that like saying that you don't like the taste of something today, but a few years from now you know you're going to love it!

Contrary to what others have said, this really isn't an age thing... I was 16 when I met my first wife (who was 25) and knew I only wanted to be with her (and were together for 13 years). Some people aren't cut out for sharing their lives, and maybe that is you. I found dating (for the two years I was single) to be the most distasteful social custom I've ever taken part in. People were either using others or trying them on for size. And the people who wouldn't commit and wanted their freedom were the worst (because they seemed to be keeping the other person around until they found something better).

So, are you just keeping your boyfriend around until something better comes along? Are you just keeping your boyfriend around for the few hours a week you spend together? Is he just a place holder while you figure out what you want out of life?

Ask yourself what your motives are!

Don't tell us (we don't really need to know), but you had better know for both of your sakes.

Again, sorry if that sounded blunt but I don't think this type of thing should be sugar coated.

 

[The Sneeze Police]

It sounds like you each have made your desires known to each other, and your individual desires conflict. There is nothing inherently right or wrong in either's wishes. If I were you, I would see the following options:

1. You can maintain the status quo. Maintaining the status quo gets you your way, and he remains unhappy (and by extension, so do you.) Seems to me you both lose.

2. You can break up with him, and let him get on with what he wants. He gets what he wants, but not with you. If you can live with that, he should have that option. You lose him, but at least he has a chance at future happiness and so do you.

3. You marry him & start having kids. You must do this freely & without resentment...and you better be sure that you will not resent him for this. If you resent him (and/or the kids) everybody loses including the children you brought into the world.

4. You can come up with a compromise i.e., you set a wedding date for 2-1/2 years in the future and you & he mean it. If you love each other enough, this might be possible, and both of you win.

Speaking as a married person, if you two cannot compromise on this, then there is no point in getting married at this point...marriage is usually full of compromise, forgiveness & keepng your partner's happiness a priority over yours...and your partner should have the same goal in mind about you.

Although I didn't think so at first, marriage is not for the weak.

 

[Holdfast]

A "foot" drop????

Can't afford shoes, I guess.

--Ted

There's a recession on.

 

[An Officer]

Kids? Some people are just crazy like that.

 

[sidious618]

All of my relationships end the same way - they figure out we aren't playing a game.

As soon as something gets serious, I make it bluntly clear - No ring, no kids. Now most woman seem to think this is the start of some form of game and that I'm just waiting for the right person to come along and talk me into - and I'm not. So eventually they figure it out, they make the ultimatum and they don't like the answer and then it all generally ends.

Thankfully I seem to have meet someone who doesn't want kids either or a ring, so that suits us just both fine.

I'm the exact same way. No kids, no kids, no kids. And I ain't crazy about the idea of marriage either.

 

[NCC1701]

Have any of you guys had a relationship that seemed to be going great when suddenly the other foot drops?

Yes, and I admit *I* was the one who dropped the foot.

I met someone a few years ago. We hit it off right away. We used to chat all the time (on the phone and via AIM). In fact she was even a member right here, for awhile. We were totally into each other. I couldn't believe it - it was the first relationship I'd been in since about 1995.

Then we had a fight. Can't remember what it was about. All I do remember is that I assumed that it meant she wanted to break up with me. You all know how linear my thought processes are. I equated anger with hatred, and so I thought she didn't want me anymore. I couldn't comprehend that a fight doesn't have to lead to a breakup. So I basically walked away.

I've had the last 4 years to think about it. I know it was all my fault. I didn't have to panic and run. I have to live with what I did. I hope nobody reading this has ever fucked up like that. Maybe some of you can benefit from my colossal ineptitude - don't do what I did.

I apologize, gojiragirl, I didn't mean to hijack your thread. Just keep talking it out. It can never hurt to do that. Find some middle ground. I don't care what, just keep at it. Don't let it go. Don't give up. Don't be like me.

Dude, have you thought about seeing a psychologist? You're a man, not a 10 year old anymore. It's not healthy to still be living in such a black and white world you seem to be living in. Time to man up, build a bridge over your troubles, and get over it. I'm not saying it to be mean, I've been reading a lot of your posts over the years - usually with my face stuck in this position, I might add - and it sounds like you need to let go of the strange idea that the whole world is against you.

 

[hellsgate]

Gojira Girl: Yeah, I have to wade in on this just one last time. (Other Women) treating ~Me~ as a "safety net" rather than "The One" is a definate deal-breaker. Step-up or step the fuck off. Absolutely 100%.

NO "grey areas", NO "What will Mom / Dad / Jesus think?" Get in or get out. You want a Male Prostitute or STI-riddled 'stud' that will agree to being third or 4th on your list behind religion, career, other guys, parents, power-trips, etc.? Look in the papers or online. The rest of us have family issues and things called "PRIORITIES" that don't include a flightly / flaky "kinda, sorta, maybe, someday, if" girlfriend. Some of us would like to know how many plates & utensils to put out for meal-times, make dates & other short-range/long-range plans such as paying for elderly relatives' long term care / residential needs that don't usually include an "on-again/off-again relationship clause".

I Will Dump Your Ass If...

• I ask you (in all seriousness) "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" & all I get is a shrug with "I Dunno."
• You panic & refuse to have anything whatsoever to do with my Mom, Sister, God-Sons/God-Daughters, et al. during Birthdays, etc.
• You refuse to pay 50% of the rent, utilities, groceries after 2 years together.
• You flat-out refuse to keep a drawer / shelf of your hygiene materiel / clothes, etc. at my place.
• You flat-out become hypocritical and go thermonuclear on me for still getting "booty-calls" of my own, despite your constant pissing and howling for "no kids", "space", "time", "freedom" yet you'll go thermonuclear if I'm out somewhere with an Ex who occasionally asks for an NSA date, when you expect me to be home waiting by the phone where you left me.
• You refuse to relocate to get jobs in a horrible market, & insist on holding onto living at home with your parents, The Bible and/or Welfare with a white knuckle death grip well into your mid-30's / early 40's.

 

[Sean Aaron]

Have any of you guys had a relationship that seemed to be going great when suddenly the other foot drops? I mean, my boyfriend and I have been dating for two years. No problems. We've had one major fight, but not a whole lot of disagreements since then. Now he is talking about getting married and having kids.

My one experiment with a long-distance relationship ended when I wanted to get more serious and started talking about relocating, but I wanted some kind of commitment. I was your age and wanting to settle down (not have kids, but shack up with someone). She wouldn't do that and I told her I was going to start dating again; that was the end of that.

My daughter was born when I was 33; I'm 39 next week and the difference is quite significant. Were I in your boyfriend's shoes I would probably end the relationship, frankly. It sounds like you guys want different things. I wouldn't expect you to initiate it, but maybe a frank conversation about where the relationship is going and long term stuff is needed; otherwise be prepared for him to break it off.