Screwing up a great relationship

[gojiragirl]

Have any of you guys had a relationship that seemed to be going great when suddenly the other foot drops? I mean, my boyfriend and I have been dating for two years. No problems. We've had one major fight, but not a whole lot of disagreements since then. Now he is talking about getting married and having kids.

I don't have a problem with that, because those are things that I don't see happening for another 4-5 years. He knows that too, but he keeps bringing it up. He says that I don't seem to want the same things that he wants in life and that he doesn't want to invest all this time into someone who doesn't want a family. I'm 24 and right now I enjoy living on my own.

It just doesn't make any sense that he keeps bringing this stuff up when it pertains to things that aren't in our future for the next few years. I just want to enjoy dating for now, and worry about that other stuff later. Any advice?

As an added note, he's about 10 years older than me.

 

[Kirby]

It sounds like he wants kids while he is still young enough to pick them up and that if you aren't the right one, he has to start looking again while there is still time.

 

[Kestra]

It just doesn't make any sense that he keeps bringing this stuff up when it pertains to things that aren't in our future for the next few years. I just want to enjoy dating for now, and worry about that other stuff later. Any advice?

As an added note, he's about 10 years older than me.

It seems like you think that it's not in your future for the next few years but it's something that he wants, and soon. You guys want different things. As someone who has experienced this all I can say is ... don't say you're ready for something if you're not, and don't expect the other person to wait if he wants something different.

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Have any of you guys had a relationship that seemed to be going great when suddenly the other foot drops?

Yes, and I admit *I* was the one who dropped the foot.

I met someone a few years ago. We hit it off right away. We used to chat all the time (on the phone and via AIM). In fact she was even a member right here, for awhile. We were totally into each other. I couldn't believe it - it was the first relationship I'd been in since about 1995.

Then we had a fight. Can't remember what it was about. All I do remember is that I assumed that it meant she wanted to break up with me. You all know how linear my thought processes are. I equated anger with hatred, and so I thought she didn't want me anymore. I couldn't comprehend that a fight doesn't have to lead to a breakup. So I basically walked away.

I've had the last 4 years to think about it. I know it was all my fault. I didn't have to panic and run. I have to live with what I did. I hope nobody reading this has ever fucked up like that. Maybe some of you can benefit from my colossal ineptitude - don't do what I did.

I apologize, gojiragirl, I didn't mean to hijack your thread. Just keep talking it out. It can never hurt to do that. Find some middle ground. I don't care what, just keep at it. Don't let it go. Don't give up. Don't be like me.

 

[Goji]

Well, speaking as an almost-22-year-old, the idea of having children in two years really freaks me out. Granted, the idea of having children ever freaks me out, but two years is something I can actually kinda visualize and... yep, freaked out. I have no idea exactly how keen you are about going through all that. I'm also no good giving advice. So I'll just say that if I were in your shoes, I'd be bolting about right now. Unless I *really* loved the person. And even then I might be running. It's a tough call.

 

[TGTheodore]

A "foot" drop????

Can't afford shoes, I guess.

--Ted

 

[hellsgate]

Its better to cut him loose now, & not let him live in hope for another agonizing 10-15 years until YOU are ready. To do so would be inhumane. His biological clock & social requirements are RIGHT NOW. He doesn't want to be held back as the "Uncle", "Godfather", etc. I know I wouldn't want to be.

 

[TheSeeker]

It sounds like he wants kids while he is still young enough to pick them up and that if you aren't the right one, he has to start looking again while there is still time.

It does sound like he feels the clock ticking. Although it's a bit of an exaggeration to say he wants to be young enough to be able to pick them up.

I'm 37 and don't have kids yet, and while I do feel the clock ticking a bit I'm certainly not worried about being able to pick them up when I do have them.

It just seems like an unfortunate timing issue for both of you gojiragirl. You're both at different points in your life.

 

[Pingfah]

^ I have a friend who's father died at the age of 85, when she was twelve.

 

[All Seeing Eye]

I think a lot of men would really like to have children in their mid twenty's. If a guy is in his mid thirty's then it doesn't surprise me that he wants to have kids desperately. He's 34 right now, if you wait another 5 years like you want he'll be 39 going on 40. Most people at the age of 40 have already got kids who have left school.
You have to put yourself in his shoes. Who on Earth wants kids at the age of 40? by the time they've left school he'll be 56 - 58 years old with wrinkles and probably health problems. It's better to have kids when you're still young and he's not getting any younger. If he's not going to get kids any time soon he's more than likely going to move on to more fertile pastures.

 

[TheSeeker]

^Mid-twenties? Are you kidding me? I've only felt ready for kids in the last few years!

 

[All Seeing Eye]

^Mid-twenties? Are you kidding me? I've only felt ready for kids in the last few years!

I didn't say ALL men.

 

[Hermiod]

^Well, I hope not because I'm 30 and I'm still actively repulsed by the idea of having children.

 

[Jadzia]

Wanting the same things is arguably the most important thing in a LTR. If it's something neither of you are prepared to give and take on, then the relationship is destined to fail.

From his point of view: How does your partner feel about waiting until he is 40 before having children?

If it's a choice between him waiting 5-10 years until you're ready, or ending the relationship now, and finding another partner and fast-tracking that new relationship to the having-kids stage, then which would he be more inclined to do?

And from your point of view: Are you prepared to stand your ground, despite his wishes, even if it leads to him leaving you?

Consider what the likely consequences are going to be, and depending on how much you value your relationship, ask yourself, are your feelings worth standing your ground over? And there are no right or wrong answers.

I hope you both manage to work something out.

 

[Deckerd]

Depends what you want most. If it's bothering you you have to talk about it and discuss what you both want.

 

[Kirby]

It sounds like he wants kids while he is still young enough to pick them up and that if you aren't the right one, he has to start looking again while there is still time.

It does sound like he feels the clock ticking. Although it's a bit of an exaggeration to say he wants to be young enough to be able to pick them up.

I'm 37 and don't have kids yet, and while I do feel the clock ticking a bit I'm certainly not worried about being able to pick them up when I do have them.

I agree with you Seeker, my second child was born the year I turned 40, but from this guy's perspective it sounds like he may feel that way. Rational or not...

 

[Scout101]

This is the problem when you're dating someone that much older than you (Not that 10 years is a LOT, but still); you're just in different places in your life. Seems to me that there are two ways this usually goes:

The way we're talking about now, where he's ready for marriage and kids, the whole settling down bit, and you're not ready for that yet, being in your mid-20s.

or the other way, where he's already DONE the wife and kids routine. You're perfectly happy together, but he's not interested in any more kids, ever, while you're just getting into the whole idea, and kinda want them some day.

Not saying it can't work out, but unless you two sit down and get on the same page, it's not going to, and you'll be miserable for a while before it eventually ends. Take some time and figure out what your priorities are, and where he fits into them. If staying "uncommitted" for a while longer is important, or you don't want kids in the next 4-5 years, you need to tell him that. If he's more important that those things, or you can compromise somewhere on it, maybe it can work?

 

[K'Ehleyr]

gojiragirl, it's a sticky one but you really sound like you're not ready for marriage and kids yet. It sounds like he's giving you an ultimatum which is totally unfair. Don't be coerced into doing anything before you're ready, you'll end up resenting the man. It does seem the age difference is the crux of the matter, he is ready and you're not. If you really love him and he is prepared to wait then so be it but you have told him where you stand, it's up to him really. You're only 24 if you're not starry eyed about weddings and babies then maybe he's not the one?
Oh God I hate giving advice, that is just purely my opinion

 

[Franklin]

I'm not saying age is the issue (I'm almost seven years older than my wife), but life experience is. Think of what he did in those ten years he had between your age now and his. Do you think he'd have given up those ten years to get married and start a family at your age? If he wouldn't have, then you shouldn't have to, either. Twenty-four is not old (hell, you're young enough to be my daughter), but it is an age where some start getting signals that it may be time to "settle down." All I can say is you really have to want to. And if you do and regret it later, well, you don't get that time back.

As far as age and starting a family goes, even though you're young enough to be my daughter, actually, my two daughters are both in single digits. My wife and I were married eleven years before our first-born. It can be regrettable sometimes to be "this old" with young children (a man once remarked at how pretty my youngest was and asked if I was her grandfather), so I do see your boyfriend's point of view, too.

If you guys broke up over this issue, you wouldn't be the first couple. The age difference can be the cause of why people reach certain crossroads in life before others. That's probably what happened here.

Just don't be rushed. If this doesn't work out, don't feel they'll be no one else. Enjoy your youth.

 

[JoeZhang]

All of my relationships end the same way - they figure out we aren't playing a game.

As soon as something gets serious, I make it bluntly clear - No ring, no kids. Now most woman seem to think this is the start of some form of game and that I'm just waiting for the right person to come along and talk me into - and I'm not. So eventually they figure it out, they make the ultimatum and they don't like the answer and then it all generally ends.

Thankfully I seem to have meet someone who doesn't want kids either or a ring, so that suits us just both fine.