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Relationships, people and what makes them tick

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In some part inspired by @trekker4747s' recent aborted relationship themed thread I'm curious what insights people have into how various factors help to shape and define the dynamics within relationships.

What influence do differing personalities have on the choice of partner (or partners), how do social norms and pressures influence the form those relationships take? Do people believe a traditional monogamous marriage is still the default, or are we as a society more open and accepting of less conventional formats?

I know this is vague and somewhat open ended, but that is deliberate in that I'm curious what insights people could offer without me unduly influencing the input.
 
It's a broad topic which seems best left to comedy or Gildor's admonition in 'The Lord of the Rings' that advice is dangerous even from the wise to the wise and all courses may run ill.
 
I got married young like, just become an adult. We are opposite in belief systems, a little in politics. It was mainly attraction that got us together. My mother nearly died when she found out I was on the pill and his family just wanted him to get married. Seven sons. Any female that came into their 'world' was a potential bride. It is no wonder we married.

I could never be with someone who was cruel to animals. That is a deal breaker. If he was a bigot that would be a deal breaker too. If he cheated on me I would be crushed. If he cheated on me he would be crushed.
 
In some part inspired by @trekker4747s' recent aborted relationship themed thread I'm curious what insights people have into how various factors help to shape and define the dynamics within relationships.

What influence do differing personalities have on the choice of partner (or partners), how do social norms and pressures influence the form those relationships take? Do people believe a traditional monogamous marriage is still the default, or are we as a society more open and accepting of less conventional formats?

I know this is vague and somewhat open ended, but that is deliberate in that I'm curious what insights people could offer without me unduly influencing the input.
I'm open to different formats, but I guess I do fall into the general two person partnership category. In what few relationships I had, I was always drawn to the eccentric intelligent types, especially those who went left when everyone else went right. My relationships didn't last long, though. I guess it came down to me, I'm not really sure. I was either too off-the-wall for some, or too passive for others. I never pushed my will onto anyone. I never tried to make them do anything they didn't want to do. Now, all of this occurred during high school, so it stands to reason any relationship there would be mercurial and fickle in the extreme, considering our collective level of maturity. I haven't had any relationships out of high school, so I can't comment on how a relationship would go today.

I can only say that I'm strongly attracted to intelligence, along with traits that fall under compassion, kindness, humor, these things are important to me. While not a requirement, I'm also attracted to people who love to read, who take pleasure in giving pleasure to others. I can be attracted to loud personalities and quiet personalities, but those personalities have to be net positive, in that if you're loud, you're loud because you're excited, not because you're screaming at someone in a fit of rage. Perpetual happiness is most certainly not a requirement, just to be clear. I simply mean that whomever this person is, their ultimate goal isn't to harm, but to help others.

I'm pansexual, too, so attraction isn't limited solely to women, though I have to admit finding these desired traits in men are not nearly as easy, at least not in my experience.

Still, I'd like to meet somebody who wants to commit, someone who maybe wants a family (whether by adoption or traditional methods), someone who is willing to invest in dreams, but capable of being grounded when absolutely necessary. It seems like a lot, I know.


tl;dr - I'm flexible.
 
I think the success of a relationship lies mostly in the amount of 'give and take' that each
partner is willing to assume. Inflexibility will always lead to breakage, IMO.

I don't really know how an open relationship could remain stable, with all the human
foibles getting mixed into the picture. The folk I've known that had such arrangements always
ended horribly, with things thrown and people actually hurt. I do know it has been made to
work, but...

I will share that my ex-wife is bi-polar, so sometimes it was like being married to two
different people, and that was hell. That kind of emotional intensity is hard to sustain for long. We're
still friends though, so there's that.

The person that figures this all out, I'd like to meet.
 
To this day, I know so many people who live by "opposites attract". I understand that. In my own experience, when I dated men (well, boys really) of opposite views it was exciting and challenging...and short term.

In my experience, opposites may attract but it is similarities that keep you together.

Just my 2 cents worth.
 
I think children can make a difference. (Says someone without them). However I've known people who try to work around things to keep the family together.
 
I agree with Shanndee. A long-term relationship with someone who has completely opposite interests and views is not possible, in my experience. There must be some common ground and it can't harm if there is a genuine friendship as a basis to build upon. One needn't always agree on everything - discussions can make a relationship interesting and offer new perspectives - but there must always be respect for each other.
What is also a relation-killer is when one only gives and the other only takes. It should be a partnership, a symbiosis, not parasitism.

While in my experience comparatively large differences can be coped with, it's the small details that can (and infallibly will!) drive you nuts. The eternally open toothpaste drying out, the new roll of toilet paper always being inserted the wrong way around, loud slurping of soup, leaving laundry/socks everywhere instead of in its proper place etc. In my country we have a proverb: steady dripping will hollow a stone. The exactly same goes for nerves. Tiny irritations over a long time will sooner or later cause one of the partners to explode.

Absolute no-goes are for me: right wing political views, bad manners (imo rules about manners were established to make living together not just bearable but possible in the first place), being unkind to animals, smoking, alcohol and drug abuse.
 
Enough like you to be relatable, enough different from you to be interesting, and to share things that the other one has never encountered.

Julie and I got together based on a shared like for Star Trek and fantasy films, books, and Batman.

I introduced her to Babylon 5, Tori Amos, and the Sandman comics.
She introduced me to Doctor Who, Johnny Cash, and the 1632 book series.
 
Absolute no-goes are for me: right wing political views, bad manners (imo rules about manners were established to make living together not just bearable but possible in the first place), being unkind to animals, smoking, alcohol and drug abuse.
Good list! I would add poor hygiene and being unkind to humans (which is close to, but not quite the same as, bad manners). And I would be okay with someone having an occasional alcoholic drink.
 
A good relationship is like parallel lines: together and apart simultaneously.

Relationships should not be based on deficits, neediness, or extraction. They should not be based on control, filling a void, or making up for your childhood.

The popular romantic myth is 1/2 + 1/2 = 1. We become one. "You complete me" (:barf:), etc.

Relationships are dynamic, pinging back and forth, present and past, conscious and unconscious.

1/2 X 1/2 = 1/4. We are sicker together than apart.

Tend your own garden. Complete yourself and then share because you want to, not because you have to.

1 X 1 = 1

"Let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you."

"And stand together, yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow"
-
Kahlil Gibran
 
I have a question. Where in the world do you even go to meet people anymore? You don't want to get involved with someone at work so does that mean it all comes down to bars and the internet? What if you don't like to going to bars or clubs? I always feel like that Seinfeld Joke were George complains about how he is never going to meet someone and Jerry makes a joke about how humans are all around but you still never really meet people.

Jason
 
I'm pretty sure people seem to find each other perfectly well dude. Dating sites seem to be all the rage these days but I've not noticed a tail off in all the usual day to day interactions, body language and pheromones that lead to people doing the things people do and I don't go to bars or clubs. As for workplace romances, clearly you haven't been to my workplace recently :shrug:

However this is somewhat missing the point of the thread, which was an open ended question about how different relationship dynamics tend to be influenced by personality types and social factors, including how sometimes that leads to unusual or unconventional situations.

Whilst yes I was curious about people's thoughts and personal observations of the world I didn't envision it becoming a "how can I get laid" thread. This might seem a little harsh (and arguably it is) but I'm not sure what you are expecting by keeping turning each and every mention of sex, no matter how abstract, contextual or intellectualised into an opportunity to grill us for dating advice.

If anyone here has something they could put into a post on an internet forum that would change your life for the better I wish they would but so far they've been keeping pretty schtum. This thread may not be making too much headway (I wasn't really expecting it to) but I'd rather it died a natural death due to lack of input than becoming another derailment casualty.
 
I have no interest in getting laid. I think how people meet though might be connected in how they mesh. If people have a certain "type" they are into that must be connected in how they pursue a lady or man. Me I think I want to fall in love with someone who shares my interests and someone who I think is also a creative type. Not sure I would go to a Christian dating site for that.

Also I assume many people here have been in multiple realtionships over their lives. Did they find something they loved differently in each seperate romance? For example did someone like how a past boyfriend might have had a better sense of humor than your current boyfriend yet your current boyfriend might have a more gentle personality.

Do people change a little about themselves to adapt to each different person they have ever fallen in love with?

Jason
 
There is a great demand for Ideal Matches, so there are many facilities, religions, bars, apps, and matchmakers available.

This is highly necessary and important due to the extremely low number of people working on becoming Ideal Matches.
 
Many people have many needs for what they want in a relationship. I won't comment on others' beliefs, needs, or ethics (Yes, I had in the past but eventually realized that I hadn't had all the facts, which isn't fair or right for those individuals/couples either) but I will stand up for what I personally look for and work with, and I will sympathize and empathize should others' not work out.

Other people needn't have the same hobbies or political interests. It's fun to get to know different people, but the relationship - along with communication - needs a common ground in order to survive, which involves compromise as most relationships are built on those...

Opposites do attract more than sames. At least from my experiences and I used to think that people had to be near-"sames". It's a myth. 100% is never going to be there. It's a fantasy. IMHO, anyway. Maybe I was just unlucky and, long in my past, I was immature/unready for one as well. But I learned. I know 2 exes who hadn't. Which is all amusing, I never cared for one night stands and other flings. Looking back, at least it's nice to know a lot of people wanted me for just sex, so I wasn't as ugly as I was constantly told by some. All this could quickly become a ten chapter book. All I see is that, there's a lot of loneliness these days and a lot of people who seem to loathe "family values" despite feeling lonely and empty, so some of them do appear to want families even if they keep tricking their own brains into believing falsities.
 
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