Public Grieving vs. Attention Whores
- Thread starter auntiehill
- Start date
Ulterior motive. Yes, that is exactly what I'm getting at. There are people that seem to love to "grieve," or join in someone else's pain, as way for them to feel that they belong, or as a way to gain attention. I suppose you could also substitute "outrage" and draw the same conclusion.
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When my dog, Kirby died last month, I posted a tribute to him on Facebook, but I never did that with any friends or family (fortunately not many of those yet).
My condolences for your loss, Auntie.
People grieve in all sorts of ways. Some are quiet and some are flashier, as if to grab all the attention from every direction. When it's a sibling causing the drama, it makes you wonder how this person could be related to you? Sometimes it's just easier on you to shake your head and walk far away from the whole situation.
I would always let the other or others have their much needed attention, it was much easier that way. I needed to alone, but that's me.
As to the Officer that was gunned down in Texas, the whole shock of the event brought a community together in their grief. The people needed to do "something". It helps them cope to gather, place flowers, stand vigil. The same can be said for celebrity deaths such as Princess Diana. The people needed to do something. Laying flowers helped, so be it.
Horrific event deaths are a whole different animal. The press, the TV cameras and all those that want to be seen giving comfort are truly oppressive. It can be a real circus, one you want no part of.
People grieve in all sorts of ways. Some are quiet and some are flashier, as if to grab all the attention from every direction. When it's a sibling causing the drama, it makes you wonder how this person could be related to you? Sometimes it's just easier on you to shake your head and walk far away from the whole situation.
I would always let the other or others have their much needed attention, it was much easier that way. I needed to alone, but that's me.
As to the Officer that was gunned down in Texas, the whole shock of the event brought a community together in their grief. The people needed to do "something". It helps them cope to gather, place flowers, stand vigil. The same can be said for celebrity deaths such as Princess Diana. The people needed to do something. Laying flowers helped, so be it.
Horrific event deaths are a whole different animal. The press, the TV cameras and all those that want to be seen giving comfort are truly oppressive. It can be a real circus, one you want no part of.
I sympathize with the OP as I have several family members who tend to filter all of our joint experiences - both positive and negative - through social media, which inevitably results in attention being focused, not on the family as a group, but on them as an individual. It is very frustrating, and I wish I had a solution, but I do not. I have endeavored to minimize my irritation - viewing their actions as inevitable and thus not my anger. However, that is not always successful.
As to the public mourning, I think that is simply the result of our human nature. We always have some reason to be mournful or sad, but often we repress those feelings so that we can cope with day to day life. Tragedies, particularly public ones tend to allow us to release those pent up feelings, leading to people who knew nothing about the victim or victims wailing as if they were lifelong friends.
As to the public mourning, I think that is simply the result of our human nature. We always have some reason to be mournful or sad, but often we repress those feelings so that we can cope with day to day life. Tragedies, particularly public ones tend to allow us to release those pent up feelings, leading to people who knew nothing about the victim or victims wailing as if they were lifelong friends.
Your sister is a be-yotch. Sorry if that offends you, but she is. Also, a ham actress.
When my father died while I was in law school, when I got back, I put up a couple of flyers with a picture of me and him at my college graduation and an explanation of what happened and who he was. I only did this because people were asking me (or NOT asking me, through discomfort or politeness) and because I received 4 condolence cards that were literally covered in messages to me. My closest friends there said they started with one card, then had to buy a second and third, while the staff had their own. I was known by most of my school (admittedly a small school) and people knew how close I was to my father.
A week later, I took down the flyers, figuring people had a chance to read them.
When my father died while I was in law school, when I got back, I put up a couple of flyers with a picture of me and him at my college graduation and an explanation of what happened and who he was. I only did this because people were asking me (or NOT asking me, through discomfort or politeness) and because I received 4 condolence cards that were literally covered in messages to me. My closest friends there said they started with one card, then had to buy a second and third, while the staff had their own. I was known by most of my school (admittedly a small school) and people knew how close I was to my father.
A week later, I took down the flyers, figuring people had a chance to read them.
For a long time, we've lived in a world where (most) everybody is always on camera in their own mind, and the Internet has only exacerbated that. Many people are compelled to put on a political performance of what they want us to think they feel and believe, so we'll be impressed with how impressive they are.
^sad but true.
Ah, emotional blackmail. My mom was a master at this.
Indeed!
I can relate to what auntiehill describes, as it reminds me of a situation of my own...though I don't want to get too personally detailed, so forgive the pseudonyms.
When a very close family member (A) was dying several years back, another very close family member (B) was behaving in a very bizarre and attention-seeking manner. Now B had every reason to be very upset, and others (e.g., hospital staff) who didn't really know B seemed to take B's grieving at face value. But it was just very off...it was very much as if B was trying to take the attention away from A, the person who was on their deathbed. Very close family member C and I, in the midst of this, were very much on the same page throughout the ordeal...we were trying to come to terms with losing A, comforting and supporting each other...but neither of us could deal with B, whom we thought was just making a bad situation worse. When A passed and C and I were trying to have our last moment with A in the hospital room, I actually had to tell B to leave the room because B's behavior was so inappropriate and upsetting...plus, at that point, we'd been holding a lot in about B's behavior for several days.
When I read some about Munchausen syndrome after the fact, B's behavior seemed to check off every box...it was very much the equivalent of wearing the red dress at the funeral.
Regarding the condolences by Internet...I don't use social media myself, but I think that would be the rough equivalent of the card that gets passed around at the office when somebody loses a family member. I didn't know the deceased, and I don't know the bereaved socially, but it's the decent thing to do. And when I got that card myself, I was actually touched by it in the moment.
When a very close family member (A) was dying several years back, another very close family member (B) was behaving in a very bizarre and attention-seeking manner. Now B had every reason to be very upset, and others (e.g., hospital staff) who didn't really know B seemed to take B's grieving at face value. But it was just very off...it was very much as if B was trying to take the attention away from A, the person who was on their deathbed. Very close family member C and I, in the midst of this, were very much on the same page throughout the ordeal...we were trying to come to terms with losing A, comforting and supporting each other...but neither of us could deal with B, whom we thought was just making a bad situation worse. When A passed and C and I were trying to have our last moment with A in the hospital room, I actually had to tell B to leave the room because B's behavior was so inappropriate and upsetting...plus, at that point, we'd been holding a lot in about B's behavior for several days.
When I read some about Munchausen syndrome after the fact, B's behavior seemed to check off every box...it was very much the equivalent of wearing the red dress at the funeral.
Regarding the condolences by Internet...I don't use social media myself, but I think that would be the rough equivalent of the card that gets passed around at the office when somebody loses a family member. I didn't know the deceased, and I don't know the bereaved socially, but it's the decent thing to do. And when I got that card myself, I was actually touched by it in the moment.
Yes, I have seen (and experienced) similar situations to those described by auntie hill and The Old Mixer. It is very painful and incredibly hard to deal with. Often, biological families can be...I want to say toxic, but that may be too harsh. Let's say harmful to our emotional well being. They may not intend to be that way, but there is a certain protection in knowing that you can act however you want and this particular group of people is supposed to accept it because they are related by blood.
I love my bio-family, but when something really major happens it is my chosen family ( husband, in-laws, close friends) that I share with first.
I guess that in a lot of situations you have to put up with some really bad behaviour, but hopefully you have support from other people who matter more (and sometimes less...I too have experienced great comfort from the group card from the people at work. But that card was addressed to me, not a third party who wanted me to see condolences meant for them)
I hope things get better soon for everyone who is going through a difficult time.
I love my bio-family, but when something really major happens it is my chosen family ( husband, in-laws, close friends) that I share with first.
I guess that in a lot of situations you have to put up with some really bad behaviour, but hopefully you have support from other people who matter more (and sometimes less...I too have experienced great comfort from the group card from the people at work. But that card was addressed to me, not a third party who wanted me to see condolences meant for them)
I hope things get better soon for everyone who is going through a difficult time.
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