Passing away...personal experiences

[lurok]

Probably like many, found the tributes to late Red Ranger here moving. And was watching artist Tracy Emin on TV earlier where she talked about experience of being with once-alienated father when "the life left him", which struck me as elegant phrase. Never experienced this, though have had friends who have passed on. Has anyone been with family member (or friend) when departed? Was it a positive experience, or something you'd rather not repeat? Was it choice, or something you felt obliged to do? Do you think we're more squeamish about death in Western societies, or have balance right? Personally, I find the cavalier attitude to death in most TV/film obscene, but that's a small gripe. And I'll happily watch blockbuster films/play videogames so a confessed hypocrite And hope not being unnecessarily morbid...I'm on a short clock so is of personal interest...

 

[RoJoHen]

Never happened to me, but I think I would much rather be there with them when they died than to find out after the fact. While it may be more painful at the time, it might also help provide a better sense of closure by being able to say goodbye.

 

[exodus]

I was present when my Grandfather passed away.
He had cancer & it had spread into his bones.

I moved into his home at the time to care for him.
I remember the night he died like it was yesterday(He's been gone now for about 6 years)
I was upstairs in the house prepairing for bed.
He was downstairs in the dining room we converted into a make shift bedroom for him.(he could no longer be moblie)
My Aunt(his daughter) was over at the time and she was also downstairs with him.

As crazy as it sounds, I felt his spirit pass through me.
I could even smell him in the air & on my clothes for a brief second....(Exactly how they describe it in Polterguiest)
Then I felt and overwhelming sense of dread take over me.
I had never experanced something so intense before, ever.
In that instant, I remember saying to myself: "Grandpa's dead....."
10mins later, my Aunt comes running up stairs and says: "I think Daddy's dead!"

I had to go down and check the body to confirm it.

It's something I don't talk about with many people due to how it sounds and the memories it brings back but I swear, it's all true. I look at it as his way of saying "Good-bye".

 

[Jadzia]

Most of my older relatives died before I was born, so I've never really experienced anyone in my family dying. The only deaths have been on distant or estranged branches of the family tree that had no real emotional meaning.

Nor have I ever been with a person as they died. When I die, I think I'd rather be alone, as I imagine death to be a private and solemn moment where one gathers one's thoughts and brings a tidy conclusion to one's own mental functioning.

/edit: I've had my fair share of pets dying, but I doubt the OP wants us to include those.

 

[Candlelight]

I have thankfully experienced very little in the way of family death. One grandfather was already dead when I was born, the other died when I was three, one grandmother died in a care home and we had prepared for for a while, and the other was 91 and lasted longer than anyone expected.

Other family members have been graced with near-perfect health, although I have an uncle who is slowly succumbing to cancer, so that will hit us soon. My father also has parkinsons and is going down hill quite badly so that may happen for me in the next couple of years.

The only personal tragedy is my cat Sausage, who some posters may remember from a few years ago had cancer and had to be put down. That was heartbreaking.

 

[exodus]

I have thankfully experienced very little in the way of family death. One grandfather was already dead when I was born, the other died when I was three, one grandmother died in a care home and we had prepared for for a while, and the other was 91 and lasted longer than anyone expected.

Other family members have been graced with near-perfect health, although I have an uncle who is slowly succumbing to cancer, so that will hit us soon. My father also has parkinsons and is going down hill quite badly so that may happen for me in the next couple of years.

The only personal tragedy is my cat Sausage, who some posters may remember from a few years ago had cancer and had to be put down. That was heartbreaking.

I'm very sorry to hear about your father's condition, Candlelight.

Be strong.

 

[lurok]

Thanks, exodus, for that eloquent personal insight. I'm so aware many of my generation/circles have never had to face in person. Death seems so 'antiseptic', removed, as if our societies have engineered to protect us/separate us from reality of it. But is that necessarily a good thing? I'm beginning to doubt...

 

[exodus]

Thanks, exodus, for that eloquent personal insight. I'm so aware many of my generation/circles have never had to face in person. Death seems so 'antiseptic', removed, as if our societies have engineered to protect us/separate us from reality of it. But is that necessarily a good thing? I'm beginning to doubt...

Experencing my Grandfather death put me more in tune to life.
It made me wake up & not take for granted so much that I have......and I don't just mean material things.

My Grandfathers blood is in my veins, so there will always be a part of him that lives on.
It's my job now to remember that & honor his memory with the success I have in life.
Death, like all in life is a learning tool.

 

[1001001]

My sister died in 2009. She was 38 years old.

She was in hospice care, and I was with her the last two days of her life. I was sitting next to her when she died. I watched it happen.

In that particular situation, it was both awful and a relief. She was suffering quite a bit at the end.

As difficult as it was, I am glad I was there.

I posted about it at the time....

http://www.trekbbs.com/showthread.php?t=78010

 

[Obiwanshinobi]

Both my father and step father died a week apart when I was in the 7th grade. Father died by liver failure and a week after that my stepfather died in a car accident.

 

[Locutus of Bored]

Has anyone been with family member (or friend) when departed? Was it a positive experience, or something you'd rather not repeat? Was it choice, or something you felt obliged to do? Do you think we're more squeamish about death in Western societies, or have balance right?

Last June my Mom died unexpectedly of a heart attack at 57. I was right outside the room comforting my sisters and watching the doctors as they were trying to revive her, but she never regained consciousness at all so there was no chance to exchange last words or say any goodbyes. It was totally out of the blue and not indicated previously, so we didn't have time to prepare ourselves psychologically for the possibility of her dying so young. So no, definitely not a positive or peaceful experience I'd like to repeat.

Then, to close out the worst year ever, my Grandpa died of complications from Alzheimer's with about four hours left before the New Year last year. He was at his home with my Grandma and my sister Jackie was one of his caretakers, so she had to go through seeing another loved one died right in front of her all over again. In a way it was a blessing because he was always such a vibrant and strong person and to see him waste away from the Alzheimer's was painful, but at the same time my Grandma, who has Alzheimer's as well, has gotten noticeably worse mentally since he passed away. Physically she's still alright for the time being (as much as a physically fit woman in her late-80s can be), but she's on the cusp between the moderate and advanced stage of Alzheimer's, so unfortunately she'll probably start to deteriorate fairly quickly now. We all came over to the house to say our goodbyes and talk to each other before they took his body away to the funeral home.

When my Grandma on my dad's side passed away from cancer, I was about 18 and got to say goodbye to her in the hospital before she passed. She smiled at me and held my hand. So that was my most "pleasant" and peaceful experience with death, if you can call it that. She passed away in her sleep overnight.

My Grandpa on my dad's side died in the hospital from a brain aneurysm as a result of head trauma suffered after being hit by a car a few days before while he was walking home from the market. I was only six or seven at the time, so I only vaguely recall visiting him while he was in the hospital. I was very upset by the fact that he had been happy and communicative when we visited and then died afterward, which I didn't understand at the time.

I've had other friends and relatives die, but those were the four people closest to me and the ones I was able to see at or around the time of death. Each was my choice to visit and I wanted to be there with them.

I don't know if I can answer if we in the West are more squeamish of death than everyone else. Certainly we are more than some other societies, but that doesn't mean we necessarily fear it beyond what is reasonable. Speaking for myself, the idea of dying itself doesn't bother me much (outside of worrying how it would effect those around me), but slowly or painfully rotting away mentally or physically until death does because I've seen firsthand the effect on my grandparents.

 

[1001001]

Last June my Mom died unexpectedly of a heart attack at 57. I was right outside the room comforting my sisters and watching the doctors as they were trying to revive her, but she never regained consciousness at all so there was no chance to exchange last words or say any goodbyes. It was totally out of the blue and not indicated previously, so we didn't have time to prepare ourselves psychologically for the possibility of her dying so young. So no, definitely not a positive or peaceful experience I'd like to repeat.

My mom died the exact same way. Sudden heart attack at age 54.

That was all bad.

 

[ShamelessMcBundy]

I was never with someone when they died, although I was at the hospital during one of my cousin's final days before she died. I never got to say good bye to her, and that's always something that bothered me. I guess thankfully, i don't have first hand experience when it comes to death.

 

[Jetfire]

Grandparents and older relatives like aunts and uncles passing really didn't hit me hard...because I knew they we ill...but for a few summers I hung out with my cousin and his group of friends and got to know everyone pretty well...well the August I was going to hang out with them again I got there and asked where this one guy was...he had died in July because he was struck by lightening. I think I was in shock and couldn't really grasp what had happened unlike with old age and illness...this guy was younger than I was by a few years and seemed to have his whole life in front of him. I guess cause it was a freak accident it was something I had a harder time to accept...not that I am saying death of anyone you care about is easy to accept...now I am just rambling...death is never an easy thing to deal with.

July 1997 - Waldo Morales, 18, of Nags Head, N.C., killed while sitting on the beach near the Cape Hatteras Lighthouse.

http://hamptonroads.com/2008/07/joggers-death-lightning-shakes-beach-vacationers

 

[ShamelessMcBundy]

Last year, my dad went in for surgery to correct an aortic aneurysm. The doctors explained to us if the surgery was scheduled even a few weeks later, the likelihood of it bursting and him dying was very great. I was 25 at the time and totally not able to live without him yet. Hell, i'm still not, so he better still be around for at least another 20 years.

 

[Capn Flukie]

Last June my Mom died unexpectedly of a heart attack at 57...

My mom died the exact same way. Sudden heart attack at age 54.

That was all bad.

My mom died of a heart attack at 57 as well. She died in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. I just turned 50 in March, so I am kinda nervous these days.

I was with my niece Sharon when she died in the hospital, me and her daughter Barbie were holding her hands as she passed.

 

[Winterwind]

I was raised by my grandparents. My grandmother died of cancer almost 15 years ago. I wasn't there in the hospital when she passed. I never got to say good-bye and that regret is still with me to this day. Even worse is the guilt I feel because the last time we spoke, we argued and then she was gone so suddenly. You always think you have time, another day coming and sometimes you just don't. It still hurts me deeply. It always will.

 

[RandyS]

The closest I came to being near a loved one who died was being in my grandma's house (now my own) when she died in 1992. I was upstairs in my bedroom and she was downstairs in hers. For the last three years of her life she had suffered from what started to be breast cancer and quickly became lung, liver, kidney and brain cancer. We knew the end was coming for sometime, and that night wanted to be in her room with her, but my overprotective mother (this grandma was her mom) wouldn't let any of us into the room because she was afraid we couldn't handle it. Mom collapsed into a year long depression almost immediately, and my brother and I spent the next year taking care of her.

 

[TerokNor]

I was with many pets when they died, however not with humans at the exact moment of death. However I did say Good Bye to them knowing it truly was the last Good Bye. It was hard, but I think it is sort of a present for both, if you can say Good Bye to your loved ones. My mother was with my aunt, uncle and grandfather when they died (all quite close to each other in 2009/10).... all there deaths were expected (cancer), everything was prepared for their passing as they wanted it to be, aunt and uncle died in a hospitz, grandpa at home, but also with the hospitz involved. Death was welcome and peaceful. When my mother talks about those last moments it always gives me shivers, because she had experiences as well, that makes you think one thing: "Yes, death indeed is not the end, but a start". I had a few..odd feelings too, maybe it were the dead passing by, maybe not..I don´t know.
Also I have to say I feel SO much gratitute for the people working in the hospitz, I don´t know if my family would have got through this, the way we did, without their tender help. Those nurses, docors and voluntary helpers have my biggest respect. I know this was not the question, but I just had to mention it.

TerokNor

 

[Sean Aaron]

I haven't been there, so not totally apropos, but three prominent male figures in my life died in different ways that kind of shapes the way I see death.

My maternal grandfather I remember as a fit and vital man who could be emotionally abusive, but mellowed greatly towards the end. He integrated the household by moving my mother, myself and my sister out to California, transforming our lives since we were living on welfare in Chicago previously. Two days after my sixteenth birthday he simply didn't come home from work. He was an insurance salesman with his own practice and his secretary had left for the day whilst he was still there. Cops went round to the office and saw him sitting in a chair and when they gained entry found he was dead - arterial sclerosis. They said you could have been speaking to him and he would have died mid-sentence. It was a terrible blow and the household broke up after I graduated and went to University, but my memories of him are positive.

My paternal grandfather lived well into retirement in the house he had built himself after WWII. As he grew older he became more infirm; after a couple of hip replacement operations he could still walk with a little difficulty, but the main problems happened when his eyesight started failing. He had to have neighbours read his mail and couldn't drive. When I saw him last in the summer of 1988 I knew that would be the last time and I was right; his brother and nephew found him sitting dead in a chair in his lounge that October.

The worst was my great-uncle. After a slip in the bathroom near his retirement he found himself a quadriplegic with limited arm movement, but incapable of fine motor skills. Seeing him after the accident was tragic; especially so near the death of both my grandfathers. He was a warm and caring man and his wife became his primary caregiver. She died a few years ago and he was moved from his house into a hospital room. I visited him there shortly before his death. He said he was tired of life and missed his wife. My daughter who was only three or four was with us and it was clear she didn't want to be there; neither did I to be honest. It was heartbreaking and a mercy when he got his wish.

Of these three deaths I think I'd choose the former: to die suddenly without warning, but with my family able to remember me as a vital human being rather than slowly losing my mind (as is happening with my maternal grandmother presently) or finding myself isolated and unable to care for myself. I suppose it's some consolation that my father's father at least died in his own home and didn't require 24-7 care unlike my great-uncle.

The other painful lesson from these deaths, especially my great aunt and uncle, is that as you get older you hit these grim milestones. They are lines marking times we cannot return to: family dinners, conversation. We have memories and memories keep these people alive, but when you have final memories which are grim, they are impossible to shake. I'm glad to say that both my grandfathers visited me in dreams shortly after their deaths, that really helped.

Such a cheery end to Friday! It's been good reading your posts everyone.