Open Relationships (Can They Work?)

[AstroSmurf]

^ I think many folks buy into the whole "Cinderella Syndrome" where they assume someone will come along, sweep them off their feet and they will both live "happily ever after". That just does not exist. Every relationship takes work, some more than others.

I also think people attach love and sex together just a little to often as well. Love and true intimacy have nothing to do with physical pleasure. I believe both of those things transcend sex. Sex can help you along but only if the couple has a strong mental foundation to begin with.

 

[Goji]

I'd have no interest in one personally but I have no trouble believing that they work. People want very different things out of life, I've found, and what seems unappealing to some people could very easily be desirable to another. As long as you can find others that think along similar lines I imagine it'd work out fine.

 

[Kestra]

I also think people attach love and sex together just a little to often as well. Love and true intimacy have nothing to do with physical pleasure. I believe both of those things transcend sex. Sex can help you along but only if the couple has a strong mental foundation to begin with.

Ah, but you're mixing together many things here! Love, and sex, and intimacy, and physical pleasure, and relationship satisfaction. Sorry, I happen to be writing up a long research article on the correlations between relationship satisfaction and various forms of intimacy (physical, emotional, intellectual) so it's very much on my mind.

 

[AstroSmurf]

^ Exactly. The best sex I have ever experienced was with someone I loved. It all works so nicely together!

 

[Robert D. Robot]

The fact it isn't easy - to me - proves it can't work. My own prejudice against it makes it hard for me to understand how it mechanical works on any level. As I'd see one person set back as the maid unless everything was truly equal, and if you have to "make" it work, it doesn't.

I don't have to "make" my marriage work, it just does. I don't have to worry about paying attention to or doing things for someone else other than my wife and If I did, I wouldn't have to worry about my wife either. Its simple.

Sharing strikes me as somehow cowardice and I can't explain why.

Most every married person I know has told me (and I have seen the evidence for myself) that marriage is not easy. Given a bit of time, even people who get along unbelievably well seem to inevitably run into situations in life that strain the relationship. Those times require the couple 'to make it work'. Some couples experience greater challenges to their relationships, but they can persevere.

From what I have seen, while difficult times can cause a marriage (or other relationship) to fail, it just as often strengthens the bond- especially between a committed, loving couple. Too often I have seen the "perfect" couple who made things look so easy suddenly go their separate ways (often when one of them starts actually speaking their mind). It's tricky.

Problems tend to come up in any relationship. Not sure that an open relationship would work for me, but if those involved were completely honest and on-the-same-page regarding what their expectations were, I do not know why it wouldn't work. I think in most cases, though, the average person's jealously and greater need for sexual and emotional monogamy would sink an open relationship.

 

[Ood Sigma]

The fact it isn't easy - to me - proves it can't work. My own prejudice against it makes it hard for me to understand how it mechanical works on any level. As I'd see one person set back as the maid unless everything was truly equal, and if you have to "make" it work, it doesn't.

Just because something isn't always easy doesn't make it impossible. I mean, we put a man on the moon, which I'm sure wasn't easy.

As others mentioned, no relationship is "easy". Making things work is something you do because you love someone.

I don't understand your "maid" comment. Even if one partner is a "primary" and another "secondary", if all parties are comfortable with that, there's no problem. My wife's boyfriend has no problem with the fact that we're married, that I go with her to most social events, etc.

 

[RJDiogenes]

All relationships are open to some degree.

 

[Quinton O'Connor]

All relationships are open to some degree.

Get out of here with that sort of nonsense!

 

[SmoothieX]

I don't know if I could handle one. I think it could cause a lot of jealousy, suspicion, and other worries that would undermine the primary relationship.

 

[Yeoman Randi]

I personally know some people that were in an open relationship. It didn't work and was a major factor in one of the marriages ending in divorce. Then, one person from that relationship ended up living with the other couple and the three of them are very happy. I do worry that it will not end well.

I never thought i could be married and have an open relationship. But after 30 years of marriage i think at this point i could do it. But i know the husband would never go for it.

 

[Robert D. Robot]

I am friends with a married couple who were in an open relationship; each person had one other partner at different times over the course of several years. The trouble was, whenever either of the "peripheral relationships" got serious, the other spouse in the marriage would get INCREDIBLY jealous, would end their own "outside" relationship and ask their primary partner to end their "increasingly threatening" relationship.

They LIKED and were sexually turned on by the idea of an open relationship, but these two people actually couldn't handle it, yet they repeatedly denied what they truly felt about each other and their relationship and kept getting into outside relationships.

Other people might make it work, but these two could not....

 

[RJDiogenes]

All relationships are open to some degree.

Get out of here with that sort of nonsense!

It's true, though. Everybody has relationships with multiple friends, relatives, co-workers, acquaintances, et cetera. We get something different out of each one, and no one person can give us everything we need or want socially, personally or emotionally. Even people in committed, exclusive relationships still maintain outside friendships with many people, some of them quite emotionally intimate. Only when it comes to sexuality do the normal rules of Human interaction not apply.

 

[Gaylenwoof]

My wife and I have been in an open marriage for the past 7 years. It works great for us. I have written about many different aspects of open relationships (philosophical, scientific, personal experiences, etc.), so if you are really curious you could take a look at my blogs posts on MySpace, or my articles in Examiner. Also, I just finished writing a section of a report for the Woodhull Freedom Foundation that addresses some of the philosophical and political issues related to alternative erotic lifestyles in some depth (and, of course, I mention Inara in Firefly while talking about the ethics of sex work...but that's a whole different topic ;-)

 

[Robert Maxwell]

I am friends with a married couple who were in an open relationship; each person had one other partner at different times over the course of several years. The trouble was, whenever either of the "peripheral relationships" got serious, the other spouse in the marriage would get INCREDIBLY jealous, would end their own "outside" relationship and ask their primary partner to end their "increasingly threatening" relationship.

They LIKED and were sexually turned on by the idea of an open relationship, but these two people actually couldn't handle it, yet they repeatedly denied what they truly felt about each other and their relationship and kept getting into outside relationships.

Other people might make it work, but these two could not....

Yeah, that doesn't really sound like a healthy situation for them at all. Boundary issues, jealousy--they are not a good fit for that kind of lifestyle.