Open Relationships (Can They Work?)

[Mr Silver]

I was checking out my Status Updates on Facebook and it occured to me that a few people have listen themselves as being "In An Open Relationship", now for those of you who might not know this term...

Open Relationship: A Relationship where the couple in question mutually agree to date or become involved with other partners throughout the course of their relationship, while still retaining the commitment they made with each other

Now correct me if i'm wrong, does seeing other people not null and void any commitment you've made with a partner?

I know a Bisexual Couple (Male and Female) who see other people of the same sex, they've agreed on this and somehow still manage to make their relationship work, in this context it seems that this is just a case of "Sex".

I guess the question is, Can you make an Open Relationship work? Does anyone here on TrekBBS consider themselves to be in an Open Relationship, If so, would they be willing to explain how they make their original relationship work and still see other people?

 

[Pingfah]

Open Relationship: A Relationship where the couple in question mutually agree to date or become involved with other partners throughout the course of their relationship, while still retaining the commitment they made with each other

Now correct me if i'm wrong, does seeing other people not null and void any commitment you've made with a partner?

No, of course not, it would only invalidate the sort of commitment you are talking about if that commitment included a pledge not to engage in sexual relations with anyone else, which open relationships obviously don't.

How can it invalidate a commitment you have not agreed to?

 

[Robert Maxwell]

I don't like the implication that getting married means the commitment you're making is of a sexual nature. "I will only have sex with this person for the rest of my life." That's not what marriage is. I mean, it might be for some people, but if that's the barometer by which you're measuring the success of a marriage, you are probably looking at it the wrong way. It's a lot more than that.

Anyway, an open relationship can work just fine as long as all parties involved are okay with it and there's no jealousy involved.

I still can't grasp why people who aren't in open relationships feel the need to criticize them, though. Can't people just mind their own business and do what makes them happy rather than worry about what other people are doing?

 

[Mr Silver]

Just for the record, i'm not criticizing "Open Relationships", I'm simply curious about what makes them work, etc

I've never been in an Open Relationship and quite honestly, I dunno if I could be, however i'm not closed to the idea of it, merely i'm interested in peoples thoughts on it, after all, TrekBBS is one of the most diverse Internet Communities around

 

[Robert Maxwell]

You sounded critical by way of implying it's a violation of one's marriage commitment.

 

[Rii]

I suspect that it's not for most folks - at least not in the here and now, beyond that I reserve my opinion- and also that a significant proportion of those who are in such relationships are in them for the wrong reasons, but similarly I'm sure there are those for whom it does work, and I wish them all the happiness in the world.

It's certainly not for me; which is slightly vexing.

Now correct me if i'm wrong, does seeing other people not null and void any commitment you've made with a partner?

Surely the partners themselves define the parameters of their relationship, whatever they may be?

 

[Mr Silver]

You sounded critical by way of implying it's a violation of one's marriage commitment.

I apologise if thats how it sounded, I wasn't being critical, What I meant to say was that it seems difficult if both partners are seeing other people to find time to continue their original commitment, certainly for some people I guess it can work

"Null and Void" would apply in a marriage context, I don't know...I mean what about an open relationship when there are children involved? Would that not cause issues?

Surely the partners themselves define the parameters of their relationship, whatever they may be?

True, in many cases, I guess i'm speaking from personal experience, I'm not accustomed to it, for me a Committed Relationship is between two people, But I don't disagree with others who have "Open Relationships" i'm merely interested in other peoples opinions on this subject and indeed, perhaps an idea from those who have been or currently are in Open Relationships

 

[jewelweed]

This varies from relationship to relationship.

I am in an "open" relationship of sorts, that is, my primary partner and I are not exclusive to each other. We consider ourselves polyamorous. However, this doesn't mean that we can go off hooking up with whomever we please. We have a strong commitment to each other and care deeply about each other. I have one other partner who fulfills some different needs than my primary partner can, and we have discussed that situation to a great extent. If he chooses to take another partner, which he is welcome to do, we will discuss what that means in terms of needs he is seeking to meet, and what boundaries/rules we would like to set up.

It's based on the fact that we find it very unlikely that one could find a partner who can really fulfill every need (for example, primary partner doesn't care for Trek--!! but secondary partner loves to watch with me) and that it's okay to seek out fulfillment in other partners, as long as everyone is open and extremely communicative. It's certainly not easy, as some are more honest and communicative than others, but it's very enriching.

It can work for people who are good communicators, in touch with their needs, and compassionate. Not to sound pretentious, but I find that is not the case for the vast majority of human beings.

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

I could never handle an open relationship, I know that. I would always feel like a "third wheel". I would always be afraid: "Does she love this other person more than me?" I try not to be jealous, but sometimes it's unavoidable.

And in the end, open relationships just don't *appeal* to me. I not only couldn't handle one, I don't *want* one. That's not being closed-minded, is it?

 

[Mr Silver]

This varies from relationship to relationship.

I am in an "open" relationship of sorts, that is, my primary partner and I are not exclusive to each other. We consider ourselves polyamorous. However, this doesn't mean that we can go off hooking up with whomever we please. We have a strong commitment to each other and care deeply about each other. I have one other partner who fulfills some different needs than my primary partner can, and we have discussed that situation to a great extent. If he chooses to take another partner, which he is welcome to do, we will discuss what that means in terms of needs he is seeking to meet, and what boundaries/rules we would like to set up.

It's based on the fact that we find it very unlikely that one could find a partner who can really fulfill every need (for example, primary partner doesn't care for Trek--!! but secondary partner loves to watch with me) and that it's okay to seek out fulfillment in other partners, as long as everyone is open and extremely communicative. It's certainly not easy, as some are more honest and communicative than others, but it's very enriching.

It can work for people who are good communicators, in touch with their needs, and compassionate. Not to sound pretentious, but I find that is not the case for the vast majority of human beings.

Thanks for your input!

I find many of your points interesting, for one thing I wasn't aware that couples in "Open Relationships" would actually sit down and discuss their "Secondary Partners" and even agree on reasons for taking other "Partners", true your Relationship as you've described is "Polyamorous" but i'm sure that it would be similar for many couples in "Open Relationships"

I find it fascinating about seeking additional partners based on needs lacking from an original relationship, I agree thats theres a certain logic to it, however at the same time, in most relationships, one partner will like something and the other will dislike it and vice versa

 

[Rii]

Surely the partners themselves define the parameters of their relationship, whatever they may be?

True, in many cases, I guess i'm speaking from personal experience, I'm not accustomed to it, for me a Committed Relationship is between two people, But I don't disagree with others who have "Open Relationships" i'm merely interested in other peoples opinions on this subject and indeed, perhaps an idea from those who have been or currently are in Open Relationships

My father was in an open relationship once. Err, that should probably read at least once. He got to fuck (and I use the word deliberately) other women and she didn't. He was a dom and had, like, a harem. It didn't work out. But then she was a prostitute and rather more mentally unstable than I am, so I don't know if it serves as a very useful barometer.

I attempted to stay as far away from all this as possible, you understand.

 

[trekkiebaggio]

I would imagine they work as long as all parties are honest with each other. I don't think I could be part of one though I'm far too insecure.

 

[Mr Silver]

I attempted to stay as far away from all this as possible, you understand.

I appreciate that, thanks for your input all the same Rii

 

[Rii]

I attempted to stay as far away from all this as possible, you understand.

I appreciate that, thanks for your input all the same Rii

No problem. Something you might find interesting in this general area is that various studies have shown differences between men and women in their reactions to emotional and sexual infidelity. On average, men are more upset by sexual infidelity than emotional infidelity; whereas women are more upset by emotional infidelity than sexual infidelity.

The evolutionary explanation for this is that it's only by maintaining exclusive sexual access to the female that the male can know that any offspring are his; whereas for the female, the male developing an emotional attachment to another female threatens his commitment to support her.

 

[jewelweed]

I attempted to stay as far away from all this as possible, you understand.

I appreciate that, thanks for your input all the same Rii

No problem. Something you might find interesting in this general area is that various studies have shown differences between men and women in their reactions to emotional and sexual infidelity. On average, men are more upset by sexual infidelity than emotional infidelity; whereas women are more upset by emotional infidelity than sexual infidelity.

The evolutionary explanation for this is that it's only by maintaining exclusive sexual access to the female that the male can know that any offspring are his; whereas for the female, the male developing an emotional attachment to another female threatens his commitment to support her.

While I do appreciate scientific insight into human interactions, I do think that it's a little bit problematic to presume that these are evolutionary "rules." For example, how does one apply that sort of thinking to transpeople, and other folks who may not identify within the gender binary? Also, some folks misinterpret that sort of reasoning to mean that those gender roles held by male and female-identified people are the "natural" way of things, and that those are the only "valid" roles.

But this is going to get very philosophical and off-topic. Sorry for hijacking the post, OP.

 

[Kestra]

I believe they can and do work but only for aren't for most people. I don't believe I could be in an open relationship myself, as I'm far too insecure for that sort of thing. I'd always worry about not measuring up to other women. Silly, but still, it's there.

 

[Kelso]

It might work for some people, but it would never work for me. I turn into a big girl when I like somebody.

 

[sidious618]

I can't be in an open relationship. I can barely deal with one person let alone more.

 

[Rii]

For example, how does one apply that sort of thinking to transpeople, and other folks who may not identify within the gender binary?

Oh we can just handwave all that stuff, like ignoring friction in high-school physics experiment land.

Also, some folks misinterpret that sort of reasoning to mean that those gender roles held by male and female-identified people are the "natural" way of things, and that those are the only "valid" roles.

Absolutely. I know evopsych has a bad rap in feminist circles, largely for that reason. And there are certainly those who turn to it in support of a 'traditionalist' agenda, but for most part it's just simple confusion between description and prescription. And I think a large part of that confusion comes about because we've been conditioned to think of 'natural' as synonymous with 'good', which is bullshit. Nature knows nothing of gender equality or any other form of morality.

Our unique inheritance as sentient animals is that we're able to move beyond 'natural' behaviour as can be adequately encapsulated within a documentary narrated by David Attenborough to moral behaviour: to replace 'what is' with 'what should be'. But it doesn't do anyone any good to ignore biology if for no other reason than, as Sophia Lamb says in Bioshock 2, one must know the beast before it can be slain.

 

[ShamelessMcBundy]

Personally, i am not a fan of open relationships. I don't like sharing whoever i'm with with anyone else. I'm a jealous, emotionally dependent type.