Open Letter Thread

[scotpens]

Dear Diane:

We've worked together for 16 years and I've always thought of you as a pleasant, goodhearted, easygoing sort of person. But your habit of singing along with the radio drives me absolutely bonkers. It wouldn't be quite so bad if you had any actual singing ability, or if you could at least carry a tune. But . . . well, remember the movie Nashville? There was this pathetic, self-deluding character named Sueleen Gaye, a girl who thought she could sing. Her voice sounded like a drunken cat with a head cold. That's exactly what you sound like when you sing. Only worse.

Please, for God's sake -- DON'T FUCKING SING!

 

[Gryffindorian]

Good read! Keep those letters coming, folks! Let it all out of your system.

Dear Raffi,

You're one totally awesome guy, and I really admire you. You got your master's in engineering at such a young age, and then you were hired by our company for a high-level position. You're very smart and talented. You're a handsome, athletic and charming devil. Those Armenian looks, your dark penetrating eyes, and that thick well kempt hair of yours can make women and gay men turn their heads. You're a member of a swim team, and I know you enjoy yoga at the fitness center in our building.

It would be nice to get to know you better. You seem like a nice guy.

Me,
Drone

 

[SPOCKED]

Dear Hurricane Earl,

SUCK IT!

Your near miss,
SPOCKED

ps - yeah, bitch

 

[AstroSmurf]

^ (Glad you kids are ok. I admit I was a little worried there.)



Dear Cereal Makers,

You had me at hello. Now I can't seem to get enough of your Fruit Loops, Corn Pops, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Boo Berry, Cookie Crisp or Chex. I am hopeless without your crunchy milky goodness at least twice a day.

But I hate you. My widening diabetic ass does not need me eating any more of your vitamin fortified wares. If the sugar doesn't kill me the fat and cholesterol from the milk will.

So this is your notice... I will quit you. At this point I have no choice. I apologize in advance for not putting anymore of your kids through college through my addiction to your sugar frosted puffed items. I hope you find another prolific customer.

-AS

 

[ITL]

Dear Cigarettes,

You filthy, filthy tart. I walked away from you over a year ago, swearing that I would never taste your sweet, sweet smoky loveliness ever again. You were just too damn seductive, baby. But the fallout from our passion was too much to take. Plus, stinky ashtray breath (me, not you).

But recently I found myself warming to your charms once again. You caught me at a vulnerable time when my guard was down. I needed you, and you knew it. But I must be strong. I must leave you once more. It's just a fling....it means nothing....plus, stinky ashtray breath (me, not you).

*sniff*

 

[SPOCKED]

^ (Glad you kids are ok. I admit I was a little worried there.)

We got through unscathed - no damage, no power outage, etc. I had candles going anyway, and sat like a kid watching Razor in the dark while the rain whipped around outside

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Dear Carnation,

WHERE THE HELL ARE THE BREAKFAST BARS?!? I MUST HAVE THEM!!

 

[Amaris]

Dear Passersby,

For the love of all that is good, please stop throwing your beer cans, milk jugs, candy bar wrappers, cigarette butts and plastic bags in our front yard as you walk by. Please, don't make me go all Bruce Dern on your asses and start lying in wait on the roof with an airsoft rifle, plucking each of you away as you let go of your ill gotten refuse on my lawn.

Signed,
Marksman

 

[Thor Damar]

Dear Omnipotent beings,

Stop it, its not clever, big or indeed funny and people are starting to notice. Jack it in!

Regards,
Damar, Thor (Ret)

 

[TerokNor]

Dear ...,

if I could I´d destroy every bottle of beer, redwine... no, every drop of alcohol, thats not out there for medical reasons.
Life would be easier for you and the ones you love and that love you.

TN

 

[RandyS]

Dear God,

Put up or shut up.

 

[Gryffindorian]

^ (Glad you kids are ok. I admit I was a little worried there.)



Dear Cereal Makers,

You had me at hello. Now I can't seem to get enough of your Fruit Loops, Corn Pops, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Boo Berry, Cookie Crisp or Chex. I am hopeless without your crunchy milky goodness at least twice a day.

But I hate you. My widening diabetic ass does not need me eating any more of your vitamin fortified wares. If the sugar doesn't kill me the fat and cholesterol from the milk will.

So this is your notice... I will quit you. At this point I have no choice. I apologize in advance for not putting anymore of your kids through college through my addiction to your sugar frosted puffed items. I hope you find another prolific customer.

-AS

*Hugs* from one diabetic chap to another.

 

[Mary Ann]

Dear neighbour with the drum kit in the garage,

For the love of all that is holy, please develop some rhythm.

Peace out,

M.

 

[Amaris]

^ (Glad you kids are ok. I admit I was a little worried there.)



Dear Cereal Makers,

You had me at hello. Now I can't seem to get enough of your Fruit Loops, Corn Pops, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Boo Berry, Cookie Crisp or Chex. I am hopeless without your crunchy milky goodness at least twice a day.

But I hate you. My widening diabetic ass does not need me eating any more of your vitamin fortified wares. If the sugar doesn't kill me the fat and cholesterol from the milk will.

So this is your notice... I will quit you. At this point I have no choice. I apologize in advance for not putting anymore of your kids through college through my addiction to your sugar frosted puffed items. I hope you find another prolific customer.

-AS

*Hugs* from one diabetic chap to another.

Hey, if diabetic chaps are hugging, then <<HUG>> and maybe a <<SQUEEZE>>.

 

[SicOne]

Dear Rosenblatt Stadium Security Assholes,

Thank you so fucking much for giving away our parking space. Even though my dad has had season tickets to the O-Royals since, well, the team existed, and thus we are ENTITLED to a parking space, you motherfuckers let somebody else park there anyway, just because it was the last game at Rosenblatt. So we had the honor of driving around for God knows how long to try and find a place to park. You're lucky we did find one, otherwise we'd sue you up your stupid asses. Which other people might do anyway.

And so good night, good riddance to your obsolete cramped fucking junk heap of a stadium, and go fuck yourself. The Royals don't need you, the College World Series sure as cowshit doesn't need you, and by next January, your stupid piece of stinking slime will be a PARKING LOT for the Henry Doorly Zoo. When it comes time for your motherfucking piece of crap to come down, I may just get a camcorder and film the demolition and release it on Blu-Ray so people can masturbate to it at will.

Love,

MLB

P.S. You suck.

Hope the NoDo location is more to your liking. Extra parking at the zoo would be a plus. I won't miss the I-80 traffic hassles.

 

[SicOne]

Dear AllState Insurance,

I must say you're very efficient at processing my claim. Two weeks ago, my car was rear-ended right in front of my driveway as a result of a young driver driving under the influence. My car is in running condition, but I still have to deal with all this shitty stuff.

I only have one comment/complaint. One of your claims adjusters who inspected my car two weeks ago had issued a check for $537 to my name, covering more than 50% of the estimated total repair cost ($1,037). She said I was responsible for the $500 deductible unless the responsible party was an uninsured motorist, in which case, the driver was. When I faxed you a copy of the police report noting the other party didn't have insurance, you were prompt to send me a $500 check, a reimbursement of my deductible.

Now all of this would've been fine and dandy, except all this time the repairs haven't even started yet. I went in for a preliminary inspection this past week, and now I have to go back next week and drop my car off. This means when the repairs are done late next week, I have to pay the body shop the $1,037, not to mention all the trouble forcing me to go to the bank and depositing the stupid checks you wrote me and using my own debit card to pay at the repair shop next week, whose estimate, by the way, is slightly higher than yours, but that's for you to deal with.

WHAT YOU COULD HAVE DONE is that you should've never written me any checks in the first place. The auto shop said that they deal directly with the insurance companies, and they don't bill until after the repairs are done. If you had dealt directly with the shop, they would've billed you after the fact, and I didn't have to be "reimbursed" of the $500 that I didn't have to pay in the first place.

Other than that, I commend you for your fast, though not so efficient service.

Sincerely,
Drone

Your insurance agent should be taking point on this, talking with the body shop. Other than your deductible, which you should pay to the body shop (aside from getting your deductible back from the other guy's insurance), you shouldn't be having any out-of-pocket. If your insurance agent doesn't handle this, I'd call Allstate (if you still wish to remain with them, that is) and get another agent.

I had a similar situation with my State Farm agent. After having been with the same agent for nearly 20 years, he retired and his clients were farmed out to other SF agents. My new State Farm lady is nice and knows her shit, but she is clearly not in the same league as my old guy, who always, ALWAYS took care of everything. Now I have to do more of the claim grunt-work and it was kind of a hassle when a school bus took off the front of my wife's minivan earlier this year while it was parked and she was inside the school. Before, I'd not have to talk to anyone and my State Farm guy would handle it all, but this time I had to spend several hours on the phone with SF claims, the school administration, and their insurance and indemnity companies.

Hope you get some satisfaction.

 

[Amaris]

Dear Dollar General,

Thank you for wasting my time in applying for that formerly available store clerk's position. Sure, I'm punctual, polite, knowledgeable, responsible, articulate and a stickler for policy and presentation, but I guess that's not what you're looking for in an employee. Knowing my luck, you probably either wanted someone with a Bachelor's Degree who would work for peanuts, or wanted an idiot who wouldn't dare try to think on his or her own without your approval. Either way, nuts to you.

-S

 

[Gryffindorian]

Thanks, SicOne. No biggie. The good thing is that I don't have to pay a cent for my deductible because the other driver has no insurance.

 

[MetalPants]

Dear S,

I wish you could find something to be happy about. The world and life has so much to offer, yet you seem to focus only on the bad things in your life. You are such a sweet and wonderful person, and I wish you would find some spark of happiness.

 

[Gryffindorian]

^ MP, could we possibly have the same friend in common?