Open Letter Thread

[Gryffindorian]

It's a been a long while since we last did one. If you have something you want to say to someone but can't say it in person, you can post your message here. I'll start.

My dear friend Madge:

Get the fuck over yourself, you drama queen. Guess what? The universe doesn't revolve around you, you old hag.

After 13 years of our friendship, I still can't get used to all your pathetic "woe is me" drivel about your personal life. When you're not bitchin about your messed-up immature son, his trashy ex-wife, and your poor, pitiful grandkids, you're bellyachin about the crumbling state of your health. There's not a single friend or former co-worker of yours who hasn't heard about your pinched nerves and neck surgeries. Hell, you would even narrate your autobiography to every complete stranger you met if you had the chance.

So your life isn't perfect. No shit! Neither is everyone else's! But you always manage to sound like your trials and tribulations are the stuff of epic Hollywood dramas that would make an al Qaida terrorist weep. Take a good look around you. A lot of people, myself included, have challenges, obstacles, problems to face. The only difference is I don't go around whining about my health or some family issues I have, especially to total strangers who couldn't give a rat's ass.

Stop focusing on yourself or your troubles too much. Down the road, you'll be dead of old age, and none of these would've mattered anyway.

I put up with you because I care about you. You've been a very good friend to me, but at some point hanging around with negative people like you can become toxic.

All my love,
Drone

EDIT:

P.S. Although I initially felt bad for not having called you in a month after your last surgery, I make no apologies. Sometimes I wish your answering machine would pick up instead of you because all I ever hear when I talk to you is, "Blah, blah, blah ... I blah, blah, blah ... Me, blah, blah, blah, myself ..." It wasn't that I was busy at work or dealing with other issues. I just didn't want to talk to you.

Love,
Drone

 

[Jetfire]

Dear Jeri Ryan,

I love you...I think you are so wonderfully beautiful & talented. I wish for much future success and happiness in your life.

Your Pal,

Jetfire

 

[JonathonWally]

Dear Laura

Reverse Miyagi


With Love,
Swanky

 

[greenguy]

Dear M.,

You missed your cast on Day 2, thus making you and your staff look like total jackasses, and millions observed. It was officially the dumbest mistake of the quad to date and it is burned in everyone's memories. Stop fucking up; there is no reason for this. Also, will you please at least try to make the bail series? I'm getting the point where I don't care if we get you where you claim you want to go or not, because it really doesn't seem like you want to get there.

Love,
Your favorite and most optimistic coach

 

[F. King Daniel]

Dear Star Trek fans,

It's a fucking TV show. Relax a little.

Thanks,

Dan

 

[Kestra]

My dear friend Madge:

<edited for length>

If that's the way you feel, that's one thing. But I wouldn't go around calling that person a friend.

 

[Gryffindorian]

For what it's worth, there are many types and many levels of friendships. I don't pretend to be BFF with her, but she and I have known each other for that long, and like many things, relationships do change.

 

[SicOne]

Dear Trek BBS,

I love you, but I hate you. You suck up so much free time that I could be using to get things done around here. Why can't I quit you?

Love always,

SicOne

 

[Nardpuncher]

Dear Trek BBS

If you hang out in TNZ too much....remember to lower your shields and not be on full-retard mode in other forums.

 

[Gryffindorian]

My dear co-workers:

Give me my $20 back, you bitches! You had the audacity to collect money from people to put in the "cake fund" for everyone's birthday, and you didn't bother to call me yesterday when you all were having the carrot cake for Cathy's birthday? Not that I would've wanted a piece, but it's the principle!

Regards,
Drone

 

[Mary Ann]

To some of the people with whom I work, both coworkers and clients:

Stop breeding. Please.

Cynically yours,

M.

 

[Udat]

Dear fame,

Thanks

 

[STR]

Dear XGF.:

I really, really wish I had figured out how terrible of a person you were a long time ago. Oh well, I got the dog and he never really liked you much, which is why he kept crawling under the bed when you were around. I probably should have clued in. Oh well, good luck with whatever you're doing, and please stop bugging me on Facebook.

STR

P.S. Thanks for sticking me with that unpaid bill. That was classy.

 

[F. King Daniel]

Dear Heather Graham,



Please eat something.



Thanks,

Dan.

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Dear Rosenblatt Stadium Security Assholes,

Thank you so fucking much for giving away our parking space. Even though my dad has had season tickets to the O-Royals since, well, the team existed, and thus we are ENTITLED to a parking space, you motherfuckers let somebody else park there anyway, just because it was the last game at Rosenblatt. So we had the honor of driving around for God knows how long to try and find a place to park. You're lucky we did find one, otherwise we'd sue you up your stupid asses. Which other people might do anyway.

And so good night, good riddance to your obsolete cramped fucking junk heap of a stadium, and go fuck yourself. The Royals don't need you, the College World Series sure as cowshit doesn't need you, and by next January, your stupid piece of stinking slime will be a PARKING LOT for the Henry Doorly Zoo. When it comes time for your motherfucking piece of crap to come down, I may just get a camcorder and film the demolition and release it on Blu-Ray so people can masturbate to it at will.

Love,

MLB

P.S. You suck.

 

[Gryffindorian]

Dear AllState Insurance,

I must say you're very efficient at processing my claim. Two weeks ago, my car was rear-ended right in front of my driveway as a result of a young driver driving under the influence. My car is in running condition, but I still have to deal with all this shitty stuff.

I only have one comment/complaint. One of your claims adjusters who inspected my car two weeks ago had issued a check for $537 to my name, covering more than 50% of the estimated total repair cost ($1,037). She said I was responsible for the $500 deductible unless the responsible party was an uninsured motorist, in which case, the driver was. When I faxed you a copy of the police report noting the other party didn't have insurance, you were prompt to send me a $500 check, a reimbursement of my deductible.

Now all of this would've been fine and dandy, except all this time the repairs haven't even started yet. I went in for a preliminary inspection this past week, and now I have to go back next week and drop my car off. This means when the repairs are done late next week, I have to pay the body shop the $1,037, not to mention all the trouble forcing me to go to the bank and depositing the stupid checks you wrote me and using my own debit card to pay at the repair shop next week, whose estimate, by the way, is slightly higher than yours, but that's for you to deal with.

WHAT YOU COULD HAVE DONE is that you should've never written me any checks in the first place. The auto shop said that they deal directly with the insurance companies, and they don't bill until after the repairs are done. If you had dealt directly with the shop, they would've billed you after the fact, and I didn't have to be "reimbursed" of the $500 that I didn't have to pay in the first place.

Other than that, I commend you for your fast, though not so efficient service.

Sincerely,
Drone

 

[Mr. Laser Beam]

Dear MBTA,

About bloody time you finished the Kenmore station, eh? Something tells me that millions of Red Sox fans almost wanted to storm the Bastille here.

Still, would have been nice if you'd finished it on schedule, then maybe my parents and I wouldn't have almost gotten TRAMPLED TO FUCKING DEATH trying to get into it...

*******

Dear Nyjer Morgan,

Would you just grow the fuck up already? Stop acting like a thug and start being a man. You're lucky the Marlins didn't kill you the other night. Chris Volstad and Gaby Sanchez PWNED your sorry ass.

*******

Dear New York Mets,

Start WINNING, you bastards!

 

[Gryffindorian]

Dear "Cathy,"

The carrot cake, which you brought in yesterday for your birthday lunch, probably tasted like shit anyway, which is why you had plenty of leftovers in the fridge. The fact that you only offered it to a few of your "select friends" in Accounting didn't matter; everyone liked the light, fluffy white fruit cake I bought yesterday in Chinatown MUCH better than yours. At least we didn't consume 10 million calories per slice like you and the others did.

By the way, how's that Weight Watchers program working for you? You know, I can never tell the difference, judging by your size.

Don't choke to death!
Drone

 

[auntiehill]

Dear Neighbors:

I know you are only renting and therefore don't care about the house or the neighborhood, but you really don't need to go out of your way to be the best example of white trash on Earth.

Stopping screaming obscenities at each other at all hours. Our homes are 5 feet apart with walls like paper. We hear everything in excruciating detail. Stop letting your dog run wild and stop letting it poop all over the neighboorhood. We have pooper-scooper laws in this town, not to mention the HOA requirements.

If you spent less time sitting on your front porch smoking, drinking and laughing like horses on Valium, you might want to actually walk your dog instead of just leaving it shut in the house all day. That way, it wouldn't be such a hyper nutcase when you let it outside.

Oh, by the way, my yard is not an ashtray. I would appreciate not finding dozens of cigarette butts in my front yard each week.

We have gone out of our way to be friendly, and keep pretty quiet so as not to disturb anyone, but that does not mean you don't annoy the hell out of us. Stop parking in our driveway, stop leaving a trail of trash wherever you go and stop letting your dog poop all over our tiny little yard.

 

[AstroSmurf]

Dear Colby,

You need to stop flirting with me because I can't take much more. You are awesome. You are sweet. You have the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen. You had me captivated the first time you smiled at me. You had me spellbound when you brushed your fingers against the inside of my wrist. You almost destroyed me when you walked up behind me and laid your head on my shoulder the other night. It is ripping me apart inside.

And I must also admit I admire you. You managed to survive a horrific childhood and that tragic junkie period in your teens. Despite the world working so hard against it you have managed to evolve into this majestic and shining person. I would like nothing better than to be a part of your life.

But to be honest, you want more than I can give. I can't be the hero you need and want. I will only disappoint. Besides, in two weeks I will be on my way to another city and I know you can't come with me. What we want in this circumstance is not what either of us needs. So I am going to be the adult here and walk away. It will hurt but I hope one day you will understand. The hero you need is still out there. He is just wearing a different cape.

-AS

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Dear Cupid,

Stop frakkin with me. Colby and Dillon? Two shades of perfect just out of my reach? Enough already.

-AS

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Dear Universe,

Stop frakkin with me. A person can only take so much before they have to lock them in a padded room with 24 hour Thorazine room service.

-AS